On Dating....

Dating sucks.

There are all of these unspoken rules about how you're not supposed to spill everything you're thinking and feeling.  Being the kind of person who has a tendency to blurt out the first thing on their mind, this is not a good rule for me.

Honesty goes right out the window and nobody seems to be a fan of using it anymore.  Common sense is so rare it's practically a super power.

Not to mention that I melt at the mere thought of someone being thrilled in regards to my existence on this planet.  That has yet to happen as far as I'm aware of.  

I am so tired of doubting whether people are coming or going in my life.  Finding a way to power through repeated rejection.  I'm good at not acknowledging the fact that I'm a human being, but I am finding it harder and harder lately.  And I think it all boils down to what one person has done to me.  In a good way, but in a bad way too; more so because when I am with them I feel like a dog looks when they're stupid excited about a belly rub.

You know what turns me on?  What keeps me coming back?
Effort.  Assurance.  Conversation.  Conversing - my favorite verb on the planet.  Show me that you care.  That you really want me.

Actions, things like letting me know that you're still watching me get into my car and drive away after you've walked me out and telling me to let you know when I made it home.  Responding to messages.  Acting like you're glad to hear from me.  Don't just say shit to make me fall in love with you if you're not ready for me to do that.  Don't tell me that I make you happy after you've ignored me for a month.  Especially after canceling plans by text message and thinking that it was a perfectly acceptable option.  When you pull shit like that, you're basically the human equivalent of a participation award.  Good fucking job, douche.

Picture it:  I went out for some drinks with my friend last night and I told her what had been happening with Mr. InvaderOfWhatTheFuck-Landia.  I told her about the cuddling that I'm actually comfortable with, and the staring into my eyes, and political debates and discussions that I'm actually enjoying and was mostly sober for and the spending the night and all the fucked up things happening in my head, like taking him to my camp.  What the fuck is that?  It took me a year of knowing Mr. Seven Year Itch before he got to go there, and it was another 5 years before I let him go again.  (**Note:  for me, camp is the happiest place on Earth and I wouldn't ever just take anyone who hasn't earned a place in my life because I'll be damned if anyone is going to desecrate it with their bullshit)  After clarifying not once, but twice, that I was fine with the cuddling, she asked if I needed to go to the Emergency Room to be checked for roofies or other drugs because she was genuinely concerned for my safety.  In her words, "I can see you enjoying a political debate before I can see you not screaming in terror when someone is trying to cuddle you, and even then I would need photographic evidence to believe it."  In other words;  this really has never happened before in the history of ever.  Holy Fuck balls. 

When I deactivated my POF account in the fall shortly after I met Mr. I, it wasn't because I was delusional enough to believe right away that he was the one;  it was because I FUCKING HATE DATING.  I didn't even really want to reactivate it 2 weeks ago like I did.  I've had some pretty interesting conversations.  And in response to something Mr. I. said, no, to the best of my knowledge, I do not have a fan club.  Not anywhere on this planet.

I'm starting to think my account should read:  

Super socially awkward, fun loving single mom of 2.  I'm an open book, but not a doormat.  Has a tendency to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and is the only person in the entire world who actually wants what she says that she does.  I love being outside with my dog, laughing with friends.  I'm looking for friends, possibly more.  Definitely not just a one time hook up.  I honestly think that I'm the last person on the planet who thinks that loyalty is a thing to be proud of and doesn't see dating as a sport.  Lover of shows from 70's, 80's and 90's television.  Geeky t-shirt wearer.  Twisted sense of humor.  No fucks given, most of the time.  Compulsively organizes a closet or a drawer while the rest of the house looks like it exploded.  Kitchen alchemist - fudge catches fire when it boils over onto a glass top stove and then turns to rock, who knew :).  Lover of projects, just doesn't have the attention span to be able to finish the last 10%, no matter what it is.  Just for kicks pinup and fetish model - no being open about it isn't an invitation to ask for nude pictures or to disrespect me.  I don't judge other people's dynamics but if you're on here and you're lying to someone about it, look elsewhere.  I will love your pet and will probably be more affectionate with them than with you.  I have a very hard time not treating people like I've known them for the past millennium so don't take offense to my kindness.  I love to play games, just none that involve a person's vital organs if you catch my drift.  I'm not needy, I'm a very busy person and I care about the people in my life so if I make time for you please respect that.  Please have something intelligent to say, I love conversation.  I'm not looking to have a fantastic conversation one minute and be ignored and treated like I'm nothing the next.  I have the attention span of a squirrel, if you can hold my attention for more than five minutes I will love you until the Earth falls apart.  If you message me and all you can say is "What's up?" I'm going to ignore you. If all you can say to me is how amazing my boobs look in the black dress (**note, a picture I put on there on purpose to weed out the dicks), I will block you.   Oh, and don't be a lying douche.  It's just bad form.

And I don't have any interest or want to hear about all of the shitty relationships you've had constantly.  Or making me feel inadequate by sharing all of your amazing stories about how your ex had the most amazing body in the history of boobs.  Stop storing memories of failure better than a camel stores water.  Talk about the past at appropriate times;  sexy time, is not that time.

Another thing:  You know how some guys buy flowers or drinks in bars for girls?  Why can't people do that in other stores?  Like when I'm looking at a comic book store and someone walks up to me and offers to buy me the #13 Quantum Leap or some Calvin & Hobbes or that Stay Puft marshmallow man piggy bank (that I still regret not buying when I saw it at Bull Moose), there is a bigger chance that things would work out in their favor.

And when it comes to relationships:  fuck the flowers and the gifts.  I just want to know that you think about me because you don't just say it.  You show it by touching me like it's agony on your hands not to.

I give up.  

There May Be Life On Mars After All....

"When you get excited over a new sponge in the sink, you're at an all time low."

- Realized as I was waiting to see if my coffee was going to use it's powers for good or evil this morning.

I'm going to get honest for a minute.

The past 6 weeks have been Hell.  I have been in a space that, with no other way to put it, I was shut down from life.  When you have been involuntarily attacked within your own walls that you put up to protect yourself by someone that you trusted with your entire being, stuck in your own mind is a very bad place to be.  

I had panic attacks, sometimes several a day.  I cried more and harder than I have in my lifetime.  I have consumed more alcohol than I did in the entirety of last year combined.  I was angry.  Most nights if I got any at all, I could count the number of hours of sleep on one hand.  The stress was so bad that I broke out in hives and woke up every morning for two weeks looking like I had been wrestling with a tiger in my sleep.  I consumed more benedryl and advil than any stomach should have to bear.  My house is more of a wreck than usual.  I binge watched Netflix and did everything I could do to avoid seeing anything remotely happy or lovey-dovey.  I was compulsive.  I barely ate.  I was selfish.  I did what I needed to do to feel better come Hell or high water; no matter what that was.  I was honest with people about what I was feeling and thinking and I wasn't always nice about it.

And here's the thing:  I'm not sorry.

I reached out to people more than I was ever able to.  I forced myself to laugh until I wasn't forcing it anymore.  I became more conscientious about how I was feeling and embracing it instead of turning myself into an emotionless, exploding zombie trying to ward off feelings.  I ate good things to make up for the fact that I could barely eat and now that's all I want.  I started moving on with my life and it moved with me instead of crumbling like I was afraid of.  I did what I needed to do to relax regardless of the number of hours of sleep I got.  I sought inner peace until it wasn't running from me anymore.  Over the past week, things have slowly gotten better and I have faith that they will even more so.  I think my biggest hang up was that I didn't feel like myself and I was so focused on getting that back that I didn't realize that she very well may be gone forever.  And that I'm okay with it.

Sometimes, something really horrible has to happen in our lives;  shaking us at our very core.  Being thrown into a Hell that we didn't ask for;  learning to stop analyzing and asking questions I'll never get answers to and simply find a way out.  Then, and only then, are we able to come out able to see the beauty in something as seemingly simple as a new sponge in the sink.

Darkness

It's always been there.
   Tiny,
Yet dark and foreboding.
I knew it wasn't a safe place.
There are no warm and fuzzy feelings to be had in there.
Everything was growing beautifully around it.
There was always this undercurrent of sadness that, if I'm honest about it, I never really minded.
Allowing so much happiness to be cultivated.
So inviting and beautiful.
There was always something lurking in the shadows
               of the hole in the floor.
No matter how happy I was
        or tried to be
No matter how much I danced
        it was always there;
Something to avoid
Sure enough
        One day
It was all too much to bear.
I wanted to know what was in there
Too bold for my own good
One footstep away from it and the air was sucked out of the room
       Warning,  "Don't touch me!"
I didn't care anymore
            Who needs using their better judgement when they can have a comfortable lie?
This darkness isn't all it's chalked up to be
         Comfortable here for way too long
             Trying to claw my way out
Happiness is always a lie
What happens now that I've had both
            and find myself skipping between both worlds?

"Let Me Take A Selfie"

There are loads of people who wag their condescending fingers at those who take selfies and throw them around on the Internet.  But take it from someone who is there more often than not:  there's a heap of blues behind the smile, the cleavage, the duck lips.

Regret, anger, sadness, panic, loathing - they all keep piling up on me;  adding to this paralyzing sense of inadequacy.  On the outside I might look like I'm holding it down.  Believe me, every cell in my body has disintegrated into jello.  Every inch of my soul wants nothing more than to erase time and find myself again.  I've made a goal in life to keep my mind in a place of understanding, rather than judgement.  I also think this is a lot of the reason that I've been feeling the way that I do lately.  Instead of focusing on the fact that I'm doing the right thing and the thing that I know that I should be doing, I hold onto the memory of what I thought I knew to be true.

Lots of selfies are the creation of people wishing they could crawl inside a carefully created self-portrait of themselves.  To live forever in a frozen moment where they appeared to be fine.

Solace comes in strange ways.  Sometimes all it takes is seeing your own picture lit up on a screen to feel OK again, if only for a few seconds.  Sometimes it's the arms of a complete stranger;  anything to feel the familiar burn and tingle of forgetting the world for awhile.

It's entirely possible when you're down and out to numb certain very real pains with anything and everything that feels right in the moment;  and if you can't relate then I'd consider you to have won the emotional lottery.

I don't cringe at the drunk on the street or the selfie taker on social media anymore.  I get it.  More hugs.  Less judgement.  Please.

Little Voice

I find my mind quieted and unable to bring myself to leave.
I fell  as easily as fingertips that trace over my body.
       Teasing.
Bruising my ego with every goose bump and loss of breath.
Leaving me with a longing that I'm not used to.
Don't go.
          Beg me.
                 Please.
Don't brush me off.
            Don't put up a wall.
I promise I'll stop being honest if you would start.
I don't want to stop feeling this way.
I set out to destroy you.
     It was I who am destroyed.
Check.  Mate.
Imploded upon myself.
        Point.  Proven.
A brilliant plan without a plan that backfired.
    You belong to no one.
                  I wasn't supposed to.
Finding that I'm wanting so much that I never knew existed.
           I wasn't supposed to feel.
So much that I can barely breathe just thinking about you.
You weren't supposed to prove me right.
   My heart doesn't belong in my body anymore.  
               Please take it.
We waited so long for each other.
                       And now we're still strangers.

Happy VD

What a cluster this weekend turned out to be.

It started with me finding things to do for both kids and taking Sunday off so that I could have a nice evening like I was hoping for that was canceled by text message.  That's right.  Way to keep it classy.  Point made.  I'm not stupid.  If you tell someone twice that you want to see them and then don't even have the decency to call then that person means nothing to you.  Point.  Taken.  Noted.  I don't have the cheat codes to the games that everyone claims they don't want to play.

Which leads me to the following rant:   I swear I am the last person on the planet that doesn't see dating as a sport.  In no way did I care about the fact that this was Valentine's day weekend.  It has never mean anything more to me than the fact that it's my mother's birthday.  That, and I henceforth dub it "Single's Awareness Day".  Nothing reminds you just how alone you are in the world when everyone around you is confessing their undying love for the asshole they can't stand 364 other days of the year.  I don't think that people should need to use it as an excuse to treat each other any differently than they should already be treating the person that they're in a relationship with any other day.  If I go out of my way to show any sort of kindness to you it's because I have an appreciation for who you are as a whole person in general, not because I want something from you other than your time and mutual respect.  I am not in a relationship and in no way am I delusional enough to believe that after 3 months that I am.  However, I should mean something by now.  And yes, I will admit that I had the slightest moment of homicidal rage when I saw the Facebook post of my thrice married best male friend newly engaged yet again less then a month after the ink on the divorce papers was dry to a woman that he has known for an even less amount of time.  I don't ask for a whole hell of a lot:  call when it's appropriate to do so (like when you're canceling plans or when you said that you will!!!), give me snuggles, touch my butt like it's the best thing in the whole wide world and act like I still exist when I'm not naked in front of you.  End rant.  For now anyways.

I can barely eat because I take two bites and I'm stuffed, three bites and I'm ready to explode.  None of my pants that were tight a month ago fit me so I went shopping at Old Navy and to my surprise I bought a pair of jeans in the next size down from the ones that I was wearing and were loose without trying them on and they fit perfectly.  I've heard of the "divorce diet", but this isn't that.  It's more like the "my body has figured out that over eating to emotionally cope doesn't snap her out of it or work so let's do the opposite as a human experiment on how little food a fat girl can survive on before she loses her shit entirely".  Because you know that dealing with my recent stress by binge drinking and verbal outbursts where I spew a bunch of emotional honesty isn't nearly humiliating enough.

Then Saturday night after work I had a half of a beer with dinner and thought it would be OK to start my new medication that said in several places "Do not drink alcohol in any amount with this".  Usually it just means that it would intensify the effects or make you nauseous, I figured it couldn't hurt anything.  Sure enough, within 30 minutes of taking it I was itching from head to toe and broken out in weird hive-like rash in several places and my tongue swelled up.  I called the on call provider for my practice who told me to take enough benedryl to knock out a horse (aka the adult dose which causes me to fall asleep standing up minutes after ingesting).  She also instructed me not to consume any alcohol in the next 48 hours or this kind of reaction could happen again and I could die this time.  Here I am, home alone in a snow storm, terrified and having one of those "Well, this is it.  This is how I'm going to go" moments.  I spent most of the evening curled up in bed wishing for death.

Got a 2:30am wake up from my sister asking me to rescue my mother from herself again.  To which I promptly refused because there's only so many times one can do that before you're just following them around with a safety net without taking their scissors away.

Woke up feeling like I had consumed an entire keg while jazzercizing.  Thought it was a good idea to go to the slots with my Nana and aunts.  It was fun, but I couldn't drink and in my family it's customary to be drunk before noon on any given family outing.  The food at the buffet was acceptable but not worth the money I spent on it.  I did get some pretty good quotes though:

"Your father couldn't have been the milk man, he was my brother!"  Said by Nana after aunt #3 said that she never fit in and that her father was the milk man.

"You can't ram them no matter how stupid they're driving.  It'll be considered a hate crime because their car is black!"  Again, said by aunt #3 to aunt #1 while following an extremly ignorant driver who clearly didn't know how to drive in Maine in the winter.  Which then opened up the can of worms about how everyone is butthurt about everything nowadays and how unfortunate people are who don't have a family like mine who considers sarcasm to be the language of love.

By the time I got home I needed a nap, which of course I didn't get.  So there I was, itchy, tired from fighting off death, emotional from being blown off and feeling like a human being and it pissed me off me off because I don't like feeling like I'm a human being.

Word to the wise:  when I tell you how I really feel about something, don't ask me if I've been drinking.  It's just not smart.  Especially if you did something epically stupid and I'm calling you on it.

Cupid was clearly not beaten nearly enough as a child.

Logical Nonsense

"But the law of loving others could not be discovered by reason, because it is unreasonable."
-Tolstoy

Oh for the love of logic!!!!  Have you ever met someone whose entire being has you feeling like you're about to burst into flames?  Because you totally should.

I think that I've come to the conclusion that drunk me and sober me are one in the same.  No more excuses.  I've learned over the past month to stop, look and listen - much like we did when we were kids learning to cross the street - to what my instinct is telling me.  I think I'm finally on the right path to figuring my shit out.  Not really, but I can at least see which direction I want my path headed in rather than staring at the deep dark forest of the dating world and being scared shitless.  Taking an action even though it might end up being the death of you, I've decided, is a million times more worth it than playing it safe just because of all the crap another certain person put you through trying to destroy you.

And no friends, this is not a Disney film (Train Wreck version, maybe?).  Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia is not Prince Charming, despite what happens in my brain when I think of him.
**Insert image of gif from last post**  I am not a princess or a Disney character of any kind.  Over several conversations with friends who insist that being up front from the moment I knew how I felt was the best policy I bit the bullet and sort of/kind of told him what was happening in my brain.  I really felt a strong need to make sure he understood that I don't feel things, but somehow there's an exception here.  It's freaking me out.  I'm pretty sure I lost all ability to breath and blacked out for a second when he said something super sweet after I was done blurting out my nonsense.

You know what my inner cynic is saying about this last paragraph?  That I was drunk and thought it was a good idea to spill the beans because then I could use it as an excuse later to say that I didn't really mean it and that Mr. IOWTFL said incredibly adorable thing to feed his ego and that he doesn't really care about me at all.  That he's just some douche bag soul crusher who makes women fall in love with him just to prove he can and to get his dick wet.

And then you know what I did to shut the stupid bitch up?  I sent him a text stating that I remembered said dumbass things from last night and that I regret nothing.  Take that.  And you know what?  I don't care if he did say it to feed his ego.  Maybe he is a douche bag soul crusher.  I'm done hiding.  My feelings, my thoughts, my wants, my fantasies.  All of it.  I'm done.  And it's okay that he might not feel the same way.  For a change I have proof that I am able to feel something and to be even more honest, it's wonderful.  Lately things have been pretty dark in my world and if I have a little, even the tiniest glimmer of hope that it's just temporary, and the slightest chance that maybe, just maybe, I am actually not a dark-hearted troll like I feel like I might be most of the time, you're damn right I'm going to grasp it as hard as I can until I can't anymore.  It actually feels kind of nice to accept the fact that I don't have control over this.

So much over the past several months has happened that I had no control over and it has sent me into a tailspin of panic attacks and flare ups and what I recognize now as really bad choices (kept behind the scenes and on a need to know basis - and no, it's not drugs.  Anyone who who knows me well enough can do the math or has already been my shoulder to cry on or ear to bend).  After the most recent dramatic episode that *hopefully* will be over soon, I don't want to know what happens next so I'm planning on paving the way as much as I can and drive out the negative energy.  A little "Exorcising the demons, both inner and Universal", if you will.  Surrounding myself with people that I find to be of value to me rather than focusing on the past and riding the PTSD roller coaster.  Letting people in is something that I'm not the best at but I think I've been doing a good job of at least knowing what I need enough to express it and get it in the healthiest way possible.

Fate? Inertia? Bueller?

"It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed:  it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope.  But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical will live the relation to another as something alive."

Rainer Maria Rilke

In an effort to deal with recent events, I am not going to talk about it to those who are not directly involved.  I will say however, that sometimes once you think you have found the entirety of ones crazy, there can be an entire underground garage complete with sub levels.  It will shake you to your core, but it will also prove what you're made of by how you deal with it.  Instead of letting it ruin me, I'm going to just move on.

I haven't been blogging on here a lot because I started writing on another blog that covers a different facet of my life.  I'm actually quite excited about it, but I'm not going to post it on here because I prefer to keep it separate.  I know some who read this one would have a heart attack if I said half of the stuff that goes on behind closed doors in my world.

Over the past year, I took a huge leap of faith and decided that I was going to do what it takes to be happy rather then continually doing an autopsy report on something that was already decayed beyond recognition.  There is nothing that you can ever do to take back something that happened, words that were said.  Most of the time it's not even worth it to wish you could.  The energy is best used on what deserves it, and nobody deserves my attention more than I do.

There's a French proverb I came across the other day that says: "You often meet your fate on the road you've taken to avoid it."  I guess being on a dating site looking for anything but love it was bound to happen.

Just like any relationship that is going to be worth it and last, it has to take patience and time.  I know who I am and what I want now more than I ever have.  I have never been a patient person.  I've always been in the position to need to be the one who takes charge and forges ahead to get things done.  There's only one image in my head that comes to mind when I think of what happened to me when I saw the person that I was, and still am, willing to be patient for:

Fate has a funny way of coming around.  It's like a tiny, unpopular restaurant filled with weird little waitresses with shitty attitudes who bring you things you never asked for and end up loving anyway.

In the event that they're reading this:  I'm sorry.  I miss you.  And if I really did say what you said I did, then I mean it more now than I ever have - considering the fact that when you told me that I said that I was a little dumbfounded because I don't think those are words that I would ever mumble let alone type into a message.  

Heeere Kitty Kitty

I know someone who thinks that they are invincible.  This person thinks that it's ok to steal someones photos (not mine) and use them to pretend to be someone else online and fuck with people.  That it would make me so distraught that I would run back to him and we would run off to the sunset together after a few apologies. 

Catfishing is illegal.  Wrongfully pretending to be someone else just to hurt a person is simply disgusting.  Taking advantage of someone who clearly was in no position to be able to consent to what you were doing to them and woke up with no recollection or idea what you did to them because they were so under the influence while you were completely sober is a sex crime.  I hate to break it to you, but being batshit crazy doesn't count as being under the influence.  Driving two hours to take pictures of me on a date outside of the theatre just because I didn't tell you who I was going with because it was none of your damn business is stalking.  Falsifying information and making a person trust you with their naked body as a photographer is a sex crime.  I could go on forever.

I have been violated to my core by you and I am not going to allow it anymore. 

A protection order is the least of your worries right now dickhead.  You belong in jail.  That is all I can say about it, both because I simply hate having the energy out there and because I'm in the middle of pursuing legal action.  I don't know what path this will take, but I sure as Hell am not going to sit back and take it.

If You're Happy And You Know It....

....freak the fuck out and do everything you possibly can to sabotage it quick before your heart explodes!

**No rainbows, glitter, puppies, kitties or unicorns were harmed in the creation of this blog post, however you may want to after you are done reading it.**

Normally when someone is being perky in my general direction this early before I finish my coffee I get kinda stabby, but not today.  Maybe never again for that matter.  I seriously almost feel the need to apologize for not being my usual snarky, sarcastic, love is bullshit self.

Sorry not sorry, K?  I've kind of sort of learned to meet you half way and compromise, see, learning.

Oh, and I'm also not saying that I still don't believe that love is bullshit, I'm just saying that I'm kind of that H word that I'm not used to...

**Fighting the urge to stop talking before I further incriminate myself**

...It's making me think things, okay?!?  You know, the things that I want but shouldn't think about because I'm not going to have them and I've accepted that already.

"What brings on this very sudden, very weird shift in the Universe J?"

Well folks, I'm glad you asked.  Because I've been struggling to find words for it for about 3 days now and I've been dying to get it out of me.  Like in the Spongebob with a secret sense, for real.  I don't even like Spongebob, but that's the only thing I can think of when I think of a struggle this real at the moment.  I can't remember words, hence why no blogging for me.  I can barely focus long enough to remember pants, let alone the entire English language and how to correctly use a keyboard.

So, in some previous posts, I've mentioned how separated I keep myself from people mostly on purpose without getting into the why.  **Side note:  I don't think I ever will**  How I have this certain side of my brain that I don't let people see, but a certain someone has invaded it like a fucking alien who the Universe sent my way just to screw my shit all up.  All of it.  Or use my important, necessary for functionality organs as a playground.  The jury is still out.

This simply will not stand.  But since I'm feeling so warm and fuzzy and all, maybe I'll just lay down so that it doesn't have to.  This is not the forum in which I am going to use to go into details.  If you are catching my drift then you know where else to find me.

Again.....

I think he may have picked up what I was putting down, grammatical errors and all (My inner spelling bee champ still cringes at that).  On the other hand, when my mind has settled on something, my hints are about as subtle as an atomic bomb.  When there is someone on the planet who finds you in your lone puzzle piece type weirdness that has all the same awesomeness and hinting that they may even have the same weirdness that you have and they're sort of amazing and weirdly patient with you and all your freaking out in a Kung Fu Panda Master Shifu sort of way it makes you freak out even more because holy crap where did they in the Freaky Frickin' Friday did they come from!

Anyways, if you'd like to know more come to the dark side.  I bake excellent cookies :)

Feelings, They're All Over Me Get Them Off!

So many things to catch you up to speed on....

I made my blog private and only visible to other blog authors for a bit.  I felt it was necessary for my safety.  Being grilled hourly over something I said by someone who shouldn't be grilling me about what's going on in my life is kind of worrisome.

I got a new car.  Well, new to me anyway.  An 05 Chevy Equinox.  Her name is Mavis, and she is very nice.  I got a fantastic deal and she came with a date.

Long story short, the salesman gave me his personal # on the back of the company card.  The next day I sent him a text thanking him for his help and just verifying that I really enjoy the car.  We went out to dinner.  Then this past Sunday we went out for a drink and then to the movies.  Not just any movie, the new Star Wars movie!  I geeked out so hard that he said he had a better time watching me than he did watching the movie :)  I may have fan girl squealed a couple of times, but it was such an out of body experience I can't say for sure.  I am so excited to see it again that I actually made plans with another friend to go see it this coming week, and he took his son to see it already too.  What can I say?  I like to surround myself with freaks.

So, on my way home, I get a call from the ex.  He asks how the movie was.  I start talking about it and then he interrupts.  Asks me who I went with.  I lied.  While I don't care that he knows if I'm dating again, I'm getting pretty worried.  He pulled into my driveway behind me, because he was waiting outside of the theatre, taking pictures of me and my date;  like a stalkerific nutcase.  Not a fan.  My relationship with him is an entire different post.

Oh, and for my weekly alcohol evaluation:  Coney Island Hard Orange Cream Ale is amazing.  Due to my childhood love of creamsicles my friend bought them for me knowing this, and it was love at first sip.  They go down much smoother than anything that should be legal.  I may have to get more tomorrow, but I have plans and I'm worried that I won't be able to keep them if I do because they are truly the new loves of my life.

 Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia is still in the forefront of my mind.  I don't know why.  I am treated as though I am an afterthought 98% of the time.  We were supposed to get together.  Alas, per usual behavior he disappeared.  I went all "Say Anything" on him and sent him a note without proofreading or editing before I could change my mind.  I read it today....it wasn't pretty.  Some of it wasn't nice either.  Loads of spelling and grammatical errors.  Not my best work, but I think I got my point across without being whiny.  Maybe.  It included something about "normal human behavior going against everything that he's telling me" and him being "fucking perfect", if memory serves me correctly...I called his place of business Monday, half to ask him about pants, mostly because I miss him.  And to tell him about the horrible thing I was going through because somehow I thought it would help me feel better. It did exactly what I knew it would.  We both know exactly what that is.  He mentioned that he read it.  I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again and I'm not going to dwell on it.

At least not for more than the total of an hour a day....

I didn't say that. 

Let me be clear that I am not under any kind of delusion that I mean something more to him than what it was.  He sucked me in.  I let him against my better judgement.  He is clearly an expert.  I knew it.  I let him anyway.

Anyways, moving on...

Something else happened that was horrible that I'm not going to blog about.  Not anytime soon anyway.  There will surely be blog posts, just not published ones.  My last post was a vent/writeup relating to it.  My past wasn't pretty.  I want it to stay there, but just like every other bad thing in the Universe, it won't die completely and must be dealt with accordingly.  And that is what I plan on doing exactly. 

I got my pictures from the shoot that I did last week.  I edited them and posted some on my fet profile.  When I upload new pics I like to leave them open for a day or two.  I got a new contact for possibly doing another shoot, that was nice.  And then there's always the jackass who has to ruin it for everyone and say something that causes me to make them friends only again...like the time that some guy that I recognized from that site but never spoke to sitting on the couch across from me at work and staring at me until I made one of the security guards come talk to me just so I wasn't alone with him in the lobby with nobody else around pretending to be busy.  Yeah, that happened about a month ago.

I think I want to see Mr. Car Salesman again.  He seems nice enough.  Maybe more friend material than anything else, but that could also just be self-preservation talking.  I haven't even felt a desire to kiss him.  That's weird for me.  And he's cute.  I should be totally gaga for him and I'm being a Fucktard and I know it.  To be completely honest for a moment, just one, I'm still really missing Mr. IOWTFL.  I fell.  Hard.  I don't know what to do.  I'm just going to live my life the way that I want to and he knows where to find me.  I can't drop my pride and dignity and chase after a grown ass man who clearly doesn't want to make sense.

That's all I can say.  None of it makes sense. 

Well goodnight.  I'm half in the bag and mad for someone who doesn't want me around and avoiding other ones who do.  I must attempt sleep. Although I have learned this past week just how long I can go without sleep before I am a weeping five year old again, I don't desire to feel that way again.

Night all!!

The Broken One

 Blank page.

Filled with so much emotion that all I can do is stare.

Nothing coming from the brain to the fingertips to let any of it out.

Befuddled.

Once it stopped flowing out physically, mentally you're shut down.

Ten years of recovery, all to have it ripped away with one call.

The day that I knew was coming came.

All the suppressed memories, the anguish, the hatred, loathing.

Some pressed down, some healed over.

Open.  Bleeding.  Crying.

Everyone knows now.

It's not all in my head, though I seem to be the only one who remembers.

I'm not the only one.

Numbed.

I had gotten used to seeing this side of you.

I was the only one you showed it to.

It's nothing new.

If there was ever a time that I didn't mind playing the villain.

This.

The one who is most broken holds everything together the best.

I wash my hands of it all.

I read once that most of us are simply getting over bad emotional habits established within the first ten years of our lives and that is why we suck at relationships so badly.  I don't know about you, but I concur.

Ignited

Blueberry vodka and iced coffee.  It's like they were made for each other.  I thought my friend was nuts when she went to D&D and got blueberry flavoring in her coffee every morning.  I tried it because I felt like I needed something to calm the nerves.

I said that I needed a minute and I ended up taking two weeks.  I'm still not ready to go there.  I'm still doing the autopsy report.  All I can say is that there is nothing worse than thinking that you have a chance and not seeing all the signs screaming at you that you don't.

Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia and I had a chat.  I think we understand each other a little better now. 

Patience and time.  Thanks George H!  I'd high five you, but since you're dead and all...

I felt ignited.  Now I just feel cold and weird and not sure what to say or do.

I am feeling feelings......I had thoughts that I never thought that I would have.  Maybe this is just me being crazy.  Maybe there really is something to it.  All I know is that it can't be good.

*pauses for a moment.  Licks finger and sticks it to the wind....

It's scary and awesome and all kinds of frigged up. 

I like it!

A Vent For The Married

Well, I said give me a minute and I took two weeks....You know you are in a bad place emotionally when you hole yourself in your room to hide for a bit and put on the Star Wars trilogy and you're watching Return Of The Jedi and want to break your TV because Leia and Han are too fucking adorable to stand watching.  Also some observations made over the holidays.  And then there was the mistake of watching The Great Gatsby before bed on New Year's....

Dear Married People,

I hate you.  I hate you all.

You already have it.  You have that thing that is everything that I have ever wanted, with all of your sickening Pottery Barn perfection shell on the outside.

You can take it for granted and bitch and complain about all the things that aren't enough.  If you didn't, if you paused just for a second and attempted to be grateful instead, I guarantee that hearing them promise to love you and cherish you no matter what would be the only thing that you could think about.  That you might stay up to watch them sleep at night and be glad that there is someone there that gives a shit that you exist.

Do not expect honesty from your relationships if you can't be honest with yourself and others.  How are you going to expect someone to openly communicate with you when you are entirely unable to do the same?  If you make decisions, you need to have you both in mind when they pertain to your relationship or or things in your life that could affect it.  If you can't understand each other, you need to accept that the other doesn't understand and move forward with finding a common ground instead of just bailing on each other.

Double standards simply won't fly.

Do not expect trust in your relationships if you are sneaking around behind someones back - and not just any person, the person that chose you as the one they are going to spend the rest of their life with.  Grow a pair.  Give a shit about that fact, even just for a second.  You get what you give, and if all you give is untrustworthiness, that is all that you will receive.  Frankly, it's the only thing you will deserve.

If you are limiting your world to those with shady morals, do not expect to be genuinely cared for.  Don't give me this crap about how "Some things just aren't planned."  Oh fucking well.  You're a grown ass adult, and if you genuinely value and care for the person that you are in a relationship with, you will have the self-control to resist violating the foundation of it.  You are unfulfilling and will never meet another persons needs if you only use them to meet a small portion of yours.

I am using this post to express my feelings and thoughts and experiences.  If you don't like it, go to where I am not.  I don't believe in absolutes.  Behavior happens.  Bad choices happen.  It doesn't mean that you have to condone them or support them in any way.  I make shitty decisions too, in no way am I saying that I don't.

Doing things in half measures is bullshit.  Accepting them from people who are treating you like that's all you deserve is even more.

You get what you put into a relationship.  It baffles me that you folks are all surprised by that.

Appreciate what you have or get divorced allfuckingready.  There are single people out there waiting to be loved.  There is no single thing worse than hoping that you have a chance and not seeing all the signs screaming at you that you don't.

And because this;

Doubts

I don't know what it is, but since I found those questions and posted them with the intention of answering them, I can't do it.

I have started a blog post for 7 of the questions that I thought would be the easiest ones to answer.

I've got nothing.  Every single time that I have sat down with the intention (and false sense of self-knowledge, apprently) I have sat at the keyboard and can't find any words.  I am never lost for words.  Why can't I find them?  It's driving me nuts.

This is bothering me.  Am I so riddled with so much self-doubt, so much self-loathing that I can't let people know who I am?  That's what this is feeling like.

I am not doing this blog for anyone but myself.  I don't understand why this is so difficult.  I guess it's more because I'm the kind of person who just does what I need to do to get through the day.  I don't dwell on bad things that happen because once that experience is gone, it's something that isn't going to happen again and it's a moment that you can't get back.  It's not because I believe that I'm unworthy of getting to know.

It's been brought to my attention that some think bad things of me.  All I have to say is:  You might tell the world that I'm talentless and have no personality (or maybe that's just what's happening inside of my head on your behalf);  but you're the one who keeps reading and coming back for more, don't you?

Personality Questions

Given that I have decided to try my hand at dating again, my inner nerd decided that if I was going to do it at all, I was going to do it right.  Input, Google.  I came across a list of personality questions that you should ask someone that you are trying to get to know

I don't know about you, but I love knowing a person in their entireity and questions like these are right up my alley.  I love knowing what drives a person.  Heck, I love knowing and discovering things that drive ME.

Over the next few days I plan to work on answering them, it is only fair after all.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now.
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Time Will Tell

Humans.  That is what we all are.

Religion, belief system, way of life, belongings, relationships we lead.  Those are all just things.

Yes.  I am human too.

I make mistakes that I don't always own up to or talk about.

I push my real feelings aside for the sake of being able to make it through the day.  Sometimes for entertainment value, even.

I met someone.  Things were felt by my entire being that I had never experienced before.

I fell.

Hard.

I said that I would never be that girl.

And now I'm healing the bruises and licking my wounds and learning from my mistakes.

For every one thing that I tell you, there are ten more that I'm not.

I have been sucked into an abyss that I don't know how to get out of.

Give me a minute.

Holidaze

Growing up, I was always forced into the holidays kicking and screaming.  I was and am, the kind of person to just go with it for the sake of everyone else's happiness.  It's not something that I enjoy.  I hate decorations.  They look nice, but I don't understand the concept of digging out all that crap to invade your home for less than a month just to have to clean the rest of your house around it and then find the motivation to put it away.  I was also made to believe that Santa was real until I was 12, and forced to keep up the rouse for my brothers who are 6 years younger than I am.  I am a realist.  I don't like change to my routine.  It's not seasonal depression if you hate everyone and have no desire to interact with any of them all year round, K?

I personally do a wreath of jingle bells at my door and those homemade paper snowflakes out of coffee filters because they're cute and make the kids be creative.  I have a tree, but I hate putting it up.  Last year I didn't, my son wasn't happy about it.  This year, I'm still very much on the sturdy fence about it.  My standpoint is that everything is in one place in the basement.  I work full time and run a household while the kids get home from school and after homework is done they do basically nothing else.  If they want to bring the stuff up from the basement and HELP put up the tree and other decorations, then we can do that and I will happily participate.  We don't do Little Red Hen situations in my house.  Needless to say, it's the weekend before Christmas, and everything is still in the basement.

Being a teenager with all those hormones is some hard work, ya know.  It's a miracle if they can get out of bed on time and somehow not destroy the house in it's entirety in the time it takes them to get up and on the bus to school in the morning.

Two years ago, my kids held an intervention, of sorts, about Christmas.  My son came to me as I was doing dishes.

*Hugs me*
"Mom, can we talk?"
*Me, a little concerned as his tone was that of someone about to tell you that they have some horrible thing wrong with them*
"Sure honey, what's up?"
*Boy takes my hand*
"I think we should go sit down on the couch."
*I can barely walk because now I'm convinced that they're going to have some kind of information about things I told them they're not allowed to do until they're 30.*
*Leads me to the living room where his sister is waiting in the chair.*
"I know."
"You know what?"
**I'm of course acting stupid because this could mean anything at this point and for all I know it could mean that he knew that I hid his candy bar in the back of the fridge.**
"*The girl child* told me that Santa isn't real.  I want you to tell me the truth."
*Sigh of relief.  Candy bar snatching secret is safe with me, no crime sprees were had, virginity is still intact and no one is dying.*
"Well, what do you believe?"
"Well I believe her."
*They both chime in together*
 And we want you to stop buying us useless crap that we get rid of by summer.  Just give us money so we can buy what we want."

And there you have it folks.  For the past two years my kids have gotten money, a stocking filled with random stuff, a family game, a family movie and a pair of pj's that they open up and wear on Christmas Eve.

When I was a kid, holidays were celebrated with vigor.  Not for lack of appreciation for the memories, but I don't understand why.  Things were not as commercialized as they are now.  Besides, who has time to pretend to enjoy the company of others who don't want anything to do with you for 85% of the year?  I don't.  I am almost stupid excited that my kids have inherited this one thing from me.

Give me a couch, ice cream, my dog, television and someone to snuggle up to any night of the week and I will be content for eternity.  I like low key and easy going when I'm stressed.  I've been stressed a lot lately. Who needs the worry of taking a second mortgage out just to buy presents for ungrateful assholes on top of regular life.

Adulting is hard.  There is no reason to make it harder.

Boy Brain

Hmmm.....

Where do I begin?

Still single/dating/unsure of what the Hell situation I'm in at the moment.  Getting ready to put my foot down, just not sure where yet.  I tried to today, but then I melted.  Memories suck. 

Made some new contacts in the past couple of months.  Some for fun, some for professional life, some for fet modeling and one that much to my chagrin, I have allowed into a part of my being held captive from the outside world in the "Man in the iron mask" sense.  Previously mentioned and referred to as "WhatTheFuck-Landia".  Yup.  He's still there.

What the frig...

This simply cannot be permitted.

I don't like it one bit.  OK....maybe just a little whole big lot (the size of Texas (and all of the other continents combined)).

Time.  "It's going to take patience and time."  As one of my favorite former Beatles said in one of my favorite songs.

I said something that I think (hope) got through to them today.  I don't know.  Their response seemed sort of excusey, rather than apologetic. 

I hate text messaging.  I spent 7 years in a relationship where it was the main means of communication because the area that he lived in had really really horrible cell phone reception.  I grew to hate it with vigor.  Try to argue over text.  When you want to scream.  Daily.  For seven years.  Seven.

If you want to know what or how I'm doing, pick up the phone and call me for two seconds to say hi.  It means a million times more to me than a text message.  Texting has it's time and place.  I get that. You are in a room full of other men and don't want to call up your girl just to say "I'm thinking about you" (which the idea of makes me swoon for some reason) just to get shit for it.  Good old fashioned conversation has gone right out the window in our society, but if you contact me at all I'm over the moon.  Hell I'm already over the moon just having gotten to meet you.  Just answer the damn phone once in awhile, I don't call for no reason.

I don't need to date anyone ever again because I got to feel this way just one time before I died, and that was all I have ever asked for.

I really just said that.

For some reason lately, I am finding myself putting up with so many illogical things that NASA should be studying my life.  My swear jar is big enough to fund them for the next century, they might as well start putting the funding to good use!

Patience has never been my strong suit.  Especially when the squirrel brain that I routinely experience comes to a screeching halt because something has my full and undivided in a million ways attention and says "I want that." 

GUYS.....I want it.  ALLLL of it.

All of him.

I'm like that kid who has to be made to sit on their hands because they can't stop fidgeting.

I know how to behave myself.  I mean, I might rip a tendon and blow an artery, but I could do it if I was made to.

I simply don't wanna.

*Insert mental image of me running around flailing my arms around and screaming like a Muppet*

Unsure

"You have a multifaceted personality and I'm not quite sure how to approach you.  On one hand you're really amazing and I just want to give you endless snuggles and respect you.  On the other hand, you're really dirty minded. "

Of course I'm paraphrasing a recent conversation, but never in my life have I ever seen my personality described so eloquently. 

"You are truly an epic human being".   Another friend told me this last night, thankfully via text.   It was both the most settling and disturbing things a person has ever said to me. 

I don't think that I could handle another person saying something that awesome to me during conversation again.  I'm so not used to it.  I hate being in freak out mode because someone was nice to me.  I'm finding myself in that place a lot lately. 

I just need to know that I can be weird as Hell and that someone still wants to get naked with me at the end of the day.  Is that too much to ask? 

Apparently it isn't. 

Let's be real about this for a sec;  my life is a romantic comedy minus the romance and with a whole bunch of me just laughing at my own jokes.

Never have I ever thought I would see the day that actually speaking to someone on the phone and having a normal conversation in real time would constitute a major act of trust and a landmark moment in a relationship either.  But, yet that moment came a month ago after I avoided the inevitable for 3 years and someone truly amazing.  Still trying to work out this one.  There have been many a "what the actual fuck" moment.  If I go into it more in depth than that I'm going to need a keg of vodka to get me through it.  Wait....Do they make those?  Check on that for me!

I don't know what the deal is with one person that I would at this point consider to be a pretty good friend but I've come to the conclusion that they needed to make sure that I was both dateable and not crazy before they're willing to meet me.  It's OK.  I almost kind of like what we have going.  He's got a personality similar to mine and we make each other laugh and we tell each other things that we can't talk to other people about.  I just wish they would stop being such a pussy.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.  I personally prefer either a phone call or a note.  Texting is so impersonal and I spent much of the past 7 years doing more than I ever want to do again. 

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders."

Sometimes I wish it was that easy.  I did something epically stupid last night.  I don't know what to do about it.   As another friend I told about it said, "Just go with it and see."  Fireball turns me into a frat boy.  I say all the fiery things.  I'm just going to leave it at that for now.

For as long as I can remember I've always had this undercurrent of sadness that, if I'm honest about it, I don't totally mind.  I can't blame people for leaving, communication isn't exactly my strong point when I've spent the past 20 years in self-preservation mode.

I think that over the past year, more than any other time in my life I've been more in touch with who I am and what I want from my life.  I would be lying if I said that it didn't worry me a little. 

Lessons learned this week:

I am fully aware of the fact that no person on this planet is too busy to go after what they really want.  That doesn't make the fact suck any less when you're the one who's waiting on the phone call.

Not under any circumstances, especially when sad, am I to get drunk with a friend and think it's a genius idea to allow them to "paint" highlights onto my head.  Even more so when the two of you can taste colors better than you can see them.  This will result in thinking that they are developed enough to wash out and result in looking like a bunch of peeps had a gang bang on top of your head in the form of yellow streaks.  My mom has fixed it as much as it can be.  It doesn't look bad.

"This is going to look awesome" while drinking is the female equivalent of "Hold my beer."

That no matter how badly I want to refrain from hurting someone, honesty really is the best policy.

That opening up to an old friend during what you thought was just casual catch up conversation about who you are seeing and they knew the old you who was deathly allergic to human relationships will result in them playing big brother and messaging this new person online.    What. The. Actual. Fuck.  Mortified.  Ended contact with them.  Grateful that new person is still talking to me.  Ending said relationship with old friend will help you feel better about cutting ties with who you were in the past, as he was there at the beginning of your adult life and helped mold some awesome parts of who you are today.  Appreciate them, thanked them, and moving on.

Once someone shows you that they are a manipulative crappy person, you should believe them.  I'm not kidding myself that this is something that I am insurmountably bad at.  I refuse to walk around instantly thinking the worst of everyone, but even when someone is horrible I have a really hard time giving up on them.  Mostly because I know what it feels like to be the one that was given up on.

That I should allow the first thing that pops into my head to fly out of my mouth in anger more often. 

I don't talk to dicks.  I fuck them.  I wish some men would take note of that.

I think I just discovered that my son is a creative genius disguised as a clueless dink.  The kid could go on forever about anything that interests him like a college professor and it's totally amazing to be a part of it.  Can he both shower and use soap? 

I just re-read this and it seems like a whole bunch of unconnected thoughts, because it is.  My mind is bouncing everywhere lately and I need to find a way to reign it back in.

Peaceful Chaos

I won't be that girl. 
The one who whines and begs you to pick me.
Don't stare at me like that.
You, with those eyes that stare into my soul like you're looking deep into yourself.
Don't make me crave your presence.
Don't weasel your way into my heart.
I have it locked away for a good reason. 
Don't ask me why,
because then you'll know all the ways that you can make me forget and I can't have that.
Don't tell me that I'm the only one.
I know there have been dozens that you've let into that black hole you call a heart.
Don't just do something, do that thing. 
The thing that will make me stay.
Don't make me trust you.
Need you.
Love you.
Your smile is a drug.
Your touch is a dagger.
More than to be honest.
Leaving me fulfilled and yet empty.
You treat me like you think I'm something you cherish one minute and something to throw away the next.
Don't make my body crave you and then withdraw like I'm poisonous.
I'm not some dime a dozen bimbo that you can forget about.
I know that it helps you to sleep at night if you treat me as such.
There are so many questions
Stresses
Lies
My mind gets to be quiet for awhile.
It takes a lot to make my brain go empty.
One fingertip and I'm gone.
Why is it that the one thing that makes my mind race also deadens it with one touch?
I feel like I'm constantly on a journey to find new things to fall in love with.
I can't find my will to wander now that you're in my Universe.
I think I'll keep you around a little while, if that's okay with you.
I promise to destroy you in the most beautiful way possible.
I will leave you understanding why storms are named after people.
Peaceful chaos.
This is how I feel when you cross my mind.
I feel that it's only fair to return the favor.
The heavens opened up and rained down a happy accident.
We're going to be the death of each other.
I'm going to disappoint you, I can feel it.
I wish that you weren't perfect for me.
It would make it so much easier to break you.

What The H.E. Double Hockey Sticks?

So, apprently I haven't learned my lesson on drinking and blogging....

Here's the thing about being the kind of person who keeps herself closed off:  once a tiny trickle of emotion starts flowing, you're going to need to hit up Noah.

My hair.  Oh dear Gods my hair.  Never get drunk and trust a drunk friend to "paint" highlights on your head.  Especially when you're not wearing your glasses and can taste colors better than you can see them. 

The phone is not your friend.  Cameras exist.  Keep the phone at home.  In fact, feel free to keep it in a locked safe and throw the combination away.

Go ahead.  Blog.  Write to your hearts content.  Let those fingers fly, sister!  But do not, I repeat DO NOT hit the publish button, no matter how brightly it is shining on that computer screen of yours.  Like the lovely orange beacon of freedom that it might be, just say no.  In fact, putting a sticky note on the part of your screen that it appears on is probably the best option.  Or in fact, not even going to your blogging page at all.  A nice Word document would probably suffice. 

Excuse me while I nurse my soul and more than slightly bruised pride and move on with my life.

Bloody Hell

Have you ever gotten to the point where you are about to just let your crazy hang out and don't give a shit who knows it?

Today is that kind of day.  And I have been drinking and I gave in and highlighted my hair and it came out badly.  I am in a bad place and I am going to vent for a second, K?  Here goes:

I have been asked recently by several people if I am seeing anyone seriously.  To answer, no I am not.  Not that I am aware of anyway.  My recent blog posts were nothing more than creativity spilling out.   

I have been dating someone that I have come to care deeply about.  And that is just the thing.  I have allowed myself to care.  And I knew that it would bite me right in the ass.

I really hate it when other adults need a lesson in integrity and adult conversation.  If you say you're going to call, do it.  If they call you, answer.  Don't look someone straight in the face and gain their trust, and lie to them.  If they've given you prime real estate in their time that they are seriously lacking in, grasp it with an iron fist and appreciate the fuck out of it.  If you say that you care about someone and say nice things to them, actions - where you disappear off the face of the planet any time they try to make plans with you - speak much louder than a kind text message and a pet name.  I understand that you're busy.  If you don't want to get together because you've got a million things going on, you're not the bad guy unless you say absolutely NOTHING after saying that you want to get together.  I am a human.  I won't even get started on the fact that I have feelings.  I am a mom.  I don't have a lot of spare time.  If it's not going to be appreciated and cherished like I deserve for it to be, then feel free to let the door smack you on your way out so hard you can't walk ten ways to Tuesday.  An old expression from my childhood I'm using, but I never really understood what my Nana meant when she said that, by the way. 

I am the first one to admit that when it comes to human relationships, I suck.  And not in any fun ways.  I have a tendency to be very stand-offish and cautious, because if I'm not then I get used to them.  My heart won't get broken if I don't acknowledge that I have one by letting someone into it.  And then I'll never have to be empty and sad.  Much like how I feel right now.  When you're the person who has to have it totally together, there is no room for this kind of crap.  By nature, I take care of the people that I care about.  I call to make sure that your day is going OK.  I bake you cookies.  I cook you dinner after you've had a hard day.  If I'm attracted to you, I let you in all my dirty fantasies and secrets.  I show you off to my friends.  In short, I show you that you actually mean something to me.  In no way does that mean that I'm under any delusions that involve us sliding down rainbows and saying the "L" word before I know what your earliest childhood memory was.

This guy resides inside my being and has found a home in the part I'd like to refer to as WhatTheFuck-Landia.  It's where all of my really screwed up, inappropriate thoughts and the piece of my heart that I don't ever let out of it's cage are hidden.  He didn't even need a map.  He just walked right in like he owned the place.  Frankly something in my soul needed it to happen.  It felt (still does, in all transparency) weird because it's almost as if he really did belong there.  And he honestly made me believe that he didn't want to be anywhere else.   He was nothing that I bargained for, and yet everything I had ever hoped for at the same time. 
 
I deleted my dating profile this morning, not because he was "it", but because I am just tired of all the attention that I don't want to get.  And I do owe it to both dating profile and a certain adult social media site for the Universe sending me this person.  It doesn't feel right to have one.  I don't know how to people.  I hate talking to people, I hate talking to someone who's hitting on me even more.

And I am hurt. And confused. And just tired of trying to piece my sanity back together.  And OK, OK.....

maybe, just maybe the post before last was a little bit about him.  And the one a little further down from that too.

Onwards and upwards.  Peace out.

Enough

The fire we need to feel is never ignited in the way we expect.

What do you do when you've damaged someone beyond repair but are not entirely sorry that you did it?  I knew that it would happen regardless of how it happened.  I couldn't find a way out of my dark Labyrinth.  I found my batteries recharged in the flashlight that I held all along in the hand that was too numb to feel. 

Of course things have been said and done that cannot be taken back.  I don't want them to be.  I have tasted the light side and my heavy load that I am constantly bearing is still the same but somehow different this time. 

I feel myself dancing inside of your stinging words like I enjoy them.  They fall sparking against my skin and instead of pain I'm mesmerized by the constellations they're leaving.

Dirty. I am smoldering indecently and it is delicious.

SLUT.  I sway my arms about with the S and find solace in the slope of the U. 

Free.  Rebellious.

Whore.  A word that would normally stab my inner child who is just a girl who dreamt of the fairy tales coming true in the heart is now making me skip carelessly down a glass covered sidewalk barefoot.  I bled glitter in my dreams last night. 

Liar.  Yes, by some standards I did.  I could bring up a laundry list of technicalities, but there really is no use.  Believe it or not, not everything revolves around or has anything to do with you.

Strong.  Strength.  I like that.  Something that I am finding much more than I was ever given credit for.

I'm no longer grasping for something to hold on to and coming up empty every time. 

I'm not a big fan of rewriting common sense, it's already so rare that it's a super power.  You on the other hand treat it as if it's a blue bouncing ball that you can bounce any which way but up. 

I am enough.  For me, anyway.  For now anyway.

Leaving On A Jet Plane...

Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up. 

-Pearl S. Buck

I will consider this to be nothing more than an open letter to every guy who has been a part of my life and ruined it - for the better.  A burning ceremony to cleanse my future, if you will.

All the things that I need that I've never gotten from you but could have if you would listen.  I couldn't have predicted you if I tried.  You were the one that I didn't see coming, and then before long you were the one that I couldn't imagine leaving.  And then you left.

I'm laughing louder now.  I'm smiling brighter and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something better than what we had.

That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a Thursday afternoon when our song comes through the car speakers.  I'll fight the urge to vomit when I hear someone say my name the same way you did.   That's not to say that I won't want to scream and break everything within reach at the memory of every lie I ever caught you in and how I want to invent a time machine for the sole purpose of going back and punching myself in the face for believing you anyway.  But the difference between then and now is that I recognize the pain in those memories.  I've packed them in a suitcase and put them down and walked away.  I'm done carrying them with me and I'm done giving you that power over me. 

I didn't do anything to deserve what happened, there are no amends to make on my part.  I am the one who always breaks and I am done bending over backwards to get love and approval.  Your love is staring at a big black hole and hoping you will love me is as endless as the magical vortex that the idealism of Santa and the Easter Bunny being real reside in. 

I wasn't what you wanted. I get it.  I kept hoping and staring and waiting because I didn't at the time.  Only to look back and realize that I'm in the same place I started in.  It makes me want to vomit all over your existence the same way that you've desecrated mine.

I don't know if you'll ever read this.  It's not for you anyway.  It's for me.  I'll read this on those nights when I'm alone and I feel like everything is falling apart.  I'll read this to remind myself of the promises that I'm making to myself at this very moment, to look forward and to stop letting the memory of how you mind fucked me into making me feel dictate my happiness.  This is me turning a page in the chapter of my story.  You don't win this round.

Bowl Of Lies

I just want to say before I start to rant yet again about something I saw on my feed in the Book of Face shared from the interweb that made me all "Spork someone in the undernads" happy, I really do love my friends.  They just disappoint me sometimes.

With that said, someone posted a recipe video for vegan macaroni and cheese.

What the fuck is that?

It's just a lie in a bowl.  That's what it is. 

Not even real.  The "cheese" was made from cashews and boiled up potato, carrot and onion.  I don't dispute that it's probably great, but don't call it something that it isn't.  I'm not a child whose stuff you can sneak veggies into and all that bullshit.  Cheese and I, we go way back.

Don't come to me with your web of lies. 

Cheese is wonderful and nothing to lie about.  If you have decided to become a vegan for any reason, ethical or otherwise, then I absolutely support your decision.  However, that decision was based off of your choice not to consume animal products.  Therefore I am confused as to why one would concoct something and then name it after an animal product. 

You, with your veggie cheese, veggie dogs and tofurkey.  Chemical shit storm, that's what that is.  Unless those chemicals you are consuming in the crap that you eat are somehow turning you into a member of the X-Men, don't come to me with that ethical high horse of yours. 

You don't see me walking around eating carrot sticks and calling them a hybrid steak, do you?

That's all I've got to say about that subject. 

Starbucks Cups

On my Book of Face feed, everyone is losing their minds over the new cups that popular Seattle based coffee house has put out, and being in the feisty mood I'm in at the moment, I can't help but put my 2 cents in on this.

For starters:  It.  Is.  A.  Cup.

In years past, I guess it used to be covered in snowflakes and all kinds of holiday cheery crap.  I wouldn't know because I am a penny pincher and make mine at home.  I am also a perfectionist who has to make my own to ensure my order is never screwed up.  This year they have opted for minimalism and went for just red. 

What on Earth does this have to do with not believing in God?

What on Earth does this have to do with anything at all?

What if they had opted to make them blue?  You would all be losing your minds over how they celebrate Hanukkah.  Or red and black?  You would be losing your minds over how they were celebrating Kwanzaa and how they are racists and support the #blacklivesmatter movement.  Why not bitch about how Santa is angry that it doesn't look like his workshop threw up all over it?  Frankly, I care about the opinion of a fictional character more than I care about yours.

Regardless of the color they chose, it's a cup.  It's a color.  All lives matter.  All religions matter.  EVERYONE matters. 

Are we so lost as a society that things mean more to us than people?  Are we all so unhappy and fear mongering with what's going on in our own lives that we have to dictate the actions of everyone else? 

Funny, I don't see anything on it that would suggest anything suggestive of religion on the cup at all.  The color red is no way offensive in any way unless you adamantly don't like the color itself or are a bull.  And no, being a bully doesn't count.  Are you going to start storming the houses of people who have red couches and complain about how they're impeding on your life in their home?  Red cars?  Red anything?

My question is, whatever happened to "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle"?  How is it that we can be so caught up in religion that we forgot that we're killing our planet by using these cups and one time use products as a whole?  Use it once, and throw it in a landfill.  You might just think it's a cup, but billions are used every day and believe it or not, you are part of the problem. 

Don't like the color or believe that it is rubbing your religious freedoms the wrong way?  Don't buy from them.  Big fans who like a disappointed friend don't like their decision but love them anyway and still need your fix?  Bring your own cup and stop killing the environment.

If you are butt hurt over a cup, go die in a hole. Seriously, I have nothing else to say to you.

 

Busy Bee

Oye.

I haven't had the desire to write.  Not for lack of fodder.  Get comfortable, this might take awhile.

Last week was bad. My heart is broken for my family and for our recent loss. Their story is not mine to tell but I was there for them in the ways that I could be without throwing myself into my own downward spiral.  Long story short, I cried more than I smiled.  I got maybe the equivalent of 8 hours of sleep in 5 days.  I ended up sick with a sinus infection.  3 days off from work.  Instead of laying around feeling like a pile on the floor, I organized my office area and came to the conclusion that I have enough office supplies to see my kids through college.

You know when you're doing okay?  Not great by any means but okayish enough, upright and semi-functional.  Still able to force a smile.  Then you get hit with something that makes you want to vomit from some unseen passenger in your day that blows you over like a train wreck and you get all hot all over and you feel your heart leaping out of your throat and you congratulate yourself on not actually dying like you feel like you are. 

No?  Me either. 

As someone who has been a writer since the day I learned how to hold a pencil, I have received little feedback as up until now I haven't done this for anyone but myself.  Sure in school it was the best grade I got.  With that said, it wasn't until last week that I received the first compliment from my mother in regards to it in the history of ever.  And it was about the Go Fund Me page write up that I created to support my family members with what is going on right now.  It slightly infuriated me, I'm not going to lie. 

Halloween was different.  My kids decided they didn't want to trick or treat this year after our original plans didn't materialize for reasons out of our hands.  They spent the day at my Aunt's house making treats and watching Halloween movies.  After I got out of work we all carved pumpkins.  It was a gorgeous day outside but the temps dropped very quickly halfway through and by the time we were done we were all frozen to the bone.  I would have insisted on going inside but they were big pumpkins that you couldn't just pick up and move easily.  Then I took the kids out to dinner.  My daughter wasn't feeling very well suddenly wanted to go to bed.  I took her home and as planned my son and I went to see Hotel Transylvania 2 at the local theatre.  I haven't seen the first one but it was really funny. 

My aunt and kids love spending time with each other.  And who wouldn't?  My kids are awesome and she's like my best friend/sister.  On a serious note, when you die and plan a future for your children without you in it, you want your kids to remember who you were and not only is she like me, she gets me.  Probably more then I get myself.  When they went over for Halloween, my son was unusually moody all day and wouldn't say why.  He just couldn't get settled, couldn't make a single decision for himself and had a breakdown when they went pumpkin picking.  He seemed to calm down when I got there.  We managed to have a great rest of the night.  Then, the second we got in the car after the movie, he got quiet.  Then he said, "She is never going to experience her first Halloween."  We talked about our recent loss and cried together. 

The way my kids process grief differently both makes my heart swell and cry at the same time.  I have always explained to my kids that "More family means more love", coming from a huge family where both parents are remarried I know this.  My son takes loss to heart and is slow to let go, and my daughter just understands that it's a part of life and moves on with her day.  During this journey I've come to realize I might be doing an okay job after all and that they might not be as ruined as I once believed. 

It is now November. The time where everyone comes out of the woodwork to magically become grateful for this that and the other thing that they bitch about for the other 11 months of the year - blah, blah, freakin' blah.   I won't get started on the things that I don't understand about that one. I think that it has something with the impending doom you feel during the change of the seasons and the end of the year. Plus Christmas....being nice to people so they'll buy you stuff. I on the other hand plan to be just as much of an asshole as I am the rest of the year. 

 Promises that were made to me were broken.  In my frustrated, exhausted, grieving, lonely state things came out of my soul and through my mouth that I was holding back because I knew what it was being driven by but I just couldn't hold it in anymore.  Then to my surprise, behavior seemed to change.  However, it was lost on me because I was so busy being lost in what was happening in my head that I didn't see it.  You know, when someone apparently picks up what you're laying down and they go out of their way to do something nice for you, but you're still so stuck on how much they suck you can't think of anything else?

That's right.  I am Queen Turd of planet Buttholio.

I've said more than once that I have a penchant for random emotional outbursts and blurting out the first thing that pops into my head.  Sometimes it works in my favor.  Most of the time I just don't care who knows what I'm thinking.

I didn't realize this until yesterday while I was driving my car.  You know how after someone has sat in your driver's seat you're convinced that they changed all your settings?  Wednesday I got my brakes fixed and new tires put on so I no longer need to be scared by all the weird things my car was doing.   Well I was in a really bad mood from the fight that I had just gotten into and managed to think that the mechanic moved my seat all the way back and so I moved it forward.  Yesterday after driving for 10 minutes I came to realize that my elbows were touching the steering wheel.  I guess my rage turned me into some crotchety old hag and I shrunk 6 inches.  At least I got a laugh out of it, but I really did feel defeated after normal thoughts started flooding in.  I also realized the reason behind the rage filled incident Wednesday and I have some explaining to do.  It was just an exchange of bad feelings and nothing was really said.  It was gross.  It didn't feel good.

Yesterday I didn't stop moving until I went to bed out of sheer refusal to dwell.  I started off with the miraculous fact that both kids got on the bus and I didn't have to take them to school.  An elderly volunteer at work gave me some apples for my mom's animals so I brought those out to her.  My 2 year old niece told me how "I don't like Aladdin, it scares me.  Cause the tiger."  My mom told me that she thought she meant the tiger that lives with Princess Jasmine.  I remember as a kid being scared of the tiger cave that comes out of the sand and we bonded because that was the part that always scared me too.  My landlord called and said that they were going to replace the window at the end of the kid's room to bring the house up to fire code.  I ran home and cleaned the kids room in a hurry.  In case you already didn't know, teenagers are disgusting.  I took my daughter's broken box spring and bed frame out of her room and to the deck - I don't understand how a twig for a child can jump on a bed so hard she broke the leg off of her frame and the box spring into smithereens.  I cleaned out my car and brought said box spring and mattress to the car and then to the town dump.  That was what I can imagine wrestling a grizzly bear would be like, only less gory and it didn't end with my death.  Then I went to mom's to watch the kids for a little bit while she ran errands.  Then home to get my car loaded with the weekly garbage and recycling to take to the town dump, the returnables for the redemption center and 5 totes of stuff that I have weeded out for Goodwill.  That's right, in my last blog I wrote about how I got rid of a bunch of stuff and since that time I have found more crap.  If I didn't know any better I'd think that my house was holding a crux from Lord Voldemort.  For every one item I get rid of 2 more take it's place.  Stopped at my friend's house for a bit.  Then dinner for the kiddos.  My son and I have been bonding over some old school movies my mom sent over. 

Bless my son and his gentle heart.  He didn't want his pumpkin to be cold, so he brought it inside.  I was all "Okay whatever" folding laundry and didn't ask him where in the house he put it.  I came down for coffee and saw that it was on the kitchen floor looking a little droopy.  He put it on top of the heating vent of our forced air furnace and it cooked.  Children are for raising, not understanding.  That is all I have to say about that.

After this week that I managed to somehow make it through slightly unscathed, I can foresee this work week becoming a cluster of absolute absurdity.  Therefore, I will not do anything out of the ordinary for fear of angering everything that moves.  I can hear tomorrow morning telling me to fuck off already.