Logical Nonsense

"But the law of loving others could not be discovered by reason, because it is unreasonable."
-Tolstoy

Oh for the love of logic!!!!  Have you ever met someone whose entire being has you feeling like you're about to burst into flames?  Because you totally should.

I think that I've come to the conclusion that drunk me and sober me are one in the same.  No more excuses.  I've learned over the past month to stop, look and listen - much like we did when we were kids learning to cross the street - to what my instinct is telling me.  I think I'm finally on the right path to figuring my shit out.  Not really, but I can at least see which direction I want my path headed in rather than staring at the deep dark forest of the dating world and being scared shitless.  Taking an action even though it might end up being the death of you, I've decided, is a million times more worth it than playing it safe just because of all the crap another certain person put you through trying to destroy you.

And no friends, this is not a Disney film (Train Wreck version, maybe?).  Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia is not Prince Charming, despite what happens in my brain when I think of him.
**Insert image of gif from last post**  I am not a princess or a Disney character of any kind.  Over several conversations with friends who insist that being up front from the moment I knew how I felt was the best policy I bit the bullet and sort of/kind of told him what was happening in my brain.  I really felt a strong need to make sure he understood that I don't feel things, but somehow there's an exception here.  It's freaking me out.  I'm pretty sure I lost all ability to breath and blacked out for a second when he said something super sweet after I was done blurting out my nonsense.

You know what my inner cynic is saying about this last paragraph?  That I was drunk and thought it was a good idea to spill the beans because then I could use it as an excuse later to say that I didn't really mean it and that Mr. IOWTFL said incredibly adorable thing to feed his ego and that he doesn't really care about me at all.  That he's just some douche bag soul crusher who makes women fall in love with him just to prove he can and to get his dick wet.

And then you know what I did to shut the stupid bitch up?  I sent him a text stating that I remembered said dumbass things from last night and that I regret nothing.  Take that.  And you know what?  I don't care if he did say it to feed his ego.  Maybe he is a douche bag soul crusher.  I'm done hiding.  My feelings, my thoughts, my wants, my fantasies.  All of it.  I'm done.  And it's okay that he might not feel the same way.  For a change I have proof that I am able to feel something and to be even more honest, it's wonderful.  Lately things have been pretty dark in my world and if I have a little, even the tiniest glimmer of hope that it's just temporary, and the slightest chance that maybe, just maybe, I am actually not a dark-hearted troll like I feel like I might be most of the time, you're damn right I'm going to grasp it as hard as I can until I can't anymore.  It actually feels kind of nice to accept the fact that I don't have control over this.

So much over the past several months has happened that I had no control over and it has sent me into a tailspin of panic attacks and flare ups and what I recognize now as really bad choices (kept behind the scenes and on a need to know basis - and no, it's not drugs.  Anyone who who knows me well enough can do the math or has already been my shoulder to cry on or ear to bend).  After the most recent dramatic episode that *hopefully* will be over soon, I don't want to know what happens next so I'm planning on paving the way as much as I can and drive out the negative energy.  A little "Exorcising the demons, both inner and Universal", if you will.  Surrounding myself with people that I find to be of value to me rather than focusing on the past and riding the PTSD roller coaster.  Letting people in is something that I'm not the best at but I think I've been doing a good job of at least knowing what I need enough to express it and get it in the healthiest way possible.