Freight Train of Self Realization

Buckle up Bitches.

I haven't attempted to write anything here since April.  Not for lack of fodder, but when you spend your entire day, both at work and school at a computer, even doing something so simple for myself is too much. 

I have changed.  A lot.  I am finding myself more and more excited to be alone.  There isn't anything I have to worry about when there isn't another person around.  I don't have to constantly be worried about whether or not I'm being lied to, what the other person is doing, bending over backwards to make another person like me and heaven forbid I want them to stay.  Maybe I never wanted them to stay.  Who knows.  Life is better this way, and it's that is not me giving up on the idea of ever finding the proverbial "one", I'm just no longer available for what doesn't mutually benefit me.

Give this Friday evening as an example of my growth.

To start with background:

There is a man that I met in 2016 when things for me, mentally, were at their worst.  Just coming out of a huge breakup from  Mr. Seven Year Itch, post assault that changed the entire wiring of my brain.  I was a mess.  For three years, weekly, we would get together once or twice a week.  We talked about everything.  It was nice.  Of course eventually I fell and of course, it ended abruptly. I didn't write an actual blog piece about him until now because I really liked what we had and something in me wanted to fiercely protect it.  So much to the point that I never let him be a part of my life and in that 3 years he might have spent a total of 15 minutes inside of my home, because I realize now that it was my subconscious protecting myself from him. A lot of what I published in mid 2019 was regarding that.

Fast forward to a year out to the end and he randomly messages and wants to grab dinner.  I go.  He unexpectedly apologizes.  He is heart broken because this new girl is treating him badly, he was ready to propose and he needed a friend.  Guys, I don't know if you have ever experienced this, so bear with me while I try to explain what I am experiencing, as it is foreign to me as well.

I felt nothing.

I kept waiting for the rush of "I told you so", "Take that", pity, excitement to see him again, something.  

Nothing. 

Fast forward the past couple of years since.  He got dumped in spectacular fashion. I have, I guess you can put it as more than healed.  We still see each other when timing allows, and as a friend, I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with him.  I have slept with him when I had an itch to scratch that I couldn't reach myself. I guess the disconnect now is that I don't swoon when I see an invite to come over.  I don't put my life on hold waiting for it. On Memorial Day, I invited him and a couple of other friends over for dinner.  I never would have dreamed of doing that before.  It just didn't feel like such a big deal anymore.  He came.  We hung out as friends.  It was nice. 

Protecting my peace has become paramount to me. There is some sort of roadblock put up in front of me where I don't have any emotional attachment to him anymore. And given what I used to feel about him, it's freaking me out that I feel so little.

Back to Friday.  It's been six years since we first met. 

I grabbed dinner on my way over. We watched a couple of episodes of Picard, which made my nerd brain light up with glee. But when we were deciding on what to watch, I saw it.  Her name as a profile listed under his accounts for streaming services.  He still lets her use him even after the way she treated him. I was never good enough for that - as the one who treated him well. As I watched the show, that marinated throughout my being, invading my mind like acid.  

The cork that was holding in all the rage I didn't even know I have been holding in has been launched into outer space.

In the most unceremonious way that I can be, I am done.  Finally, completely, totally, done. No crying, no whining and asking why I'm not good enough and why he wouldn't choose me or why he's holding onto a shitty person when I am right in front of him in all of my amazingness that he refuses to see.

I am enough.  Too much maybe, because I refuse for another second to settle for excuses.  He found less.  He knows that. But if that's what he still wants, so be it.  

In every relationship that I have been in, I have always been stuck in the role of curvy fantasy fulfiller.  The something to do when you have nothing else to do. Not once, even to my ex husband, that I married, was I ever good enough to be the one to change or stick around for.  The one to commit to.  The one, at all. 

Hell, one of my ex's lied to my face about seeing my modeling photos online, and stuck to his story about it for months until I confronted him about a comment - that he made on one of them 90 days before meeting me! He knew exactly who I was, and what I did, and he lied to my face about it.  Mr. Seven Year Itch had, multiple times over, a second life, controlled every aspect of my life (For. Seven. Fucking. Years), stalked me, drugged and sexually assaulted me with my children in the other room and I still took him back.  I cannot even tell you how sick I feel knowing that the woman he is with now, and lives with has 3 daughters. He is a monster that belongs in jail for what he did to not only me, but his ex wife and more women than I can count.  My Guru, I am pretty sure that straw that broke the camel's back. I have no idea how on Earth I believed myself to be the exception when his rule was a haram. And I knew that! 

**insert moment of silence for my brain cells that just jumped to their death.**

Yeah, all of the one night stands and sleeping around were great.  They served their place at their time.  It's just not ever going to be what I need in my life to be happy anymore.

I just think that I have gotten better at severing what doesn't serve me anymore. I cringe at the thought of my past, but I am so hopeful for my future.

Don't kill yourself over a person guys.  They'll just bring someone else to your funeral.