Bloody Hell

Have you ever gotten to the point where you are about to just let your crazy hang out and don't give a shit who knows it?

Today is that kind of day.  And I have been drinking and I gave in and highlighted my hair and it came out badly.  I am in a bad place and I am going to vent for a second, K?  Here goes:

I have been asked recently by several people if I am seeing anyone seriously.  To answer, no I am not.  Not that I am aware of anyway.  My recent blog posts were nothing more than creativity spilling out.   

I have been dating someone that I have come to care deeply about.  And that is just the thing.  I have allowed myself to care.  And I knew that it would bite me right in the ass.

I really hate it when other adults need a lesson in integrity and adult conversation.  If you say you're going to call, do it.  If they call you, answer.  Don't look someone straight in the face and gain their trust, and lie to them.  If they've given you prime real estate in their time that they are seriously lacking in, grasp it with an iron fist and appreciate the fuck out of it.  If you say that you care about someone and say nice things to them, actions - where you disappear off the face of the planet any time they try to make plans with you - speak much louder than a kind text message and a pet name.  I understand that you're busy.  If you don't want to get together because you've got a million things going on, you're not the bad guy unless you say absolutely NOTHING after saying that you want to get together.  I am a human.  I won't even get started on the fact that I have feelings.  I am a mom.  I don't have a lot of spare time.  If it's not going to be appreciated and cherished like I deserve for it to be, then feel free to let the door smack you on your way out so hard you can't walk ten ways to Tuesday.  An old expression from my childhood I'm using, but I never really understood what my Nana meant when she said that, by the way. 

I am the first one to admit that when it comes to human relationships, I suck.  And not in any fun ways.  I have a tendency to be very stand-offish and cautious, because if I'm not then I get used to them.  My heart won't get broken if I don't acknowledge that I have one by letting someone into it.  And then I'll never have to be empty and sad.  Much like how I feel right now.  When you're the person who has to have it totally together, there is no room for this kind of crap.  By nature, I take care of the people that I care about.  I call to make sure that your day is going OK.  I bake you cookies.  I cook you dinner after you've had a hard day.  If I'm attracted to you, I let you in all my dirty fantasies and secrets.  I show you off to my friends.  In short, I show you that you actually mean something to me.  In no way does that mean that I'm under any delusions that involve us sliding down rainbows and saying the "L" word before I know what your earliest childhood memory was.

This guy resides inside my being and has found a home in the part I'd like to refer to as WhatTheFuck-Landia.  It's where all of my really screwed up, inappropriate thoughts and the piece of my heart that I don't ever let out of it's cage are hidden.  He didn't even need a map.  He just walked right in like he owned the place.  Frankly something in my soul needed it to happen.  It felt (still does, in all transparency) weird because it's almost as if he really did belong there.  And he honestly made me believe that he didn't want to be anywhere else.   He was nothing that I bargained for, and yet everything I had ever hoped for at the same time. 
 
I deleted my dating profile this morning, not because he was "it", but because I am just tired of all the attention that I don't want to get.  And I do owe it to both dating profile and a certain adult social media site for the Universe sending me this person.  It doesn't feel right to have one.  I don't know how to people.  I hate talking to people, I hate talking to someone who's hitting on me even more.

And I am hurt. And confused. And just tired of trying to piece my sanity back together.  And OK, OK.....

maybe, just maybe the post before last was a little bit about him.  And the one a little further down from that too.

Onwards and upwards.  Peace out.