What I Should Have Said (Revised, And Then Some More)

To the Narcissistic, Manipulative manchild I somehow managed to fall in love with:

Go fuck yourself.

I was told once that there's a difference in giving up and moving on.  That the first is because you don't love anymore and the other is because, while you still love, you recognize that you're better than how you're being treated and are strong enough to let go.  Frankly, I find myself doing neither.  I still love you and while I recognize that I deserve better, I don't always feel that way.  I more or less am frustrated by the insult to my intelligence that this entire situation has been and have decided to move the hell on for the sake of my sanity.  Free falling away from you (emotionally) has never felt better.

I see now that the texts and calls I sent trying to "make" you understand and 'convince' you to speak to me were an extension of my own need to prove to myself that you were the person I thought you told me that you were and also a serious lack of self worth that I have (thankfully) since addressed.

Recently, while going through the pictures in my phone, I came across a selfie that I snapped in mid April of you asleep on my shoulder and I couldn't help but smile.  That night was the first time you were vulnerable with me.  I brought you dinner and clipped your toenails and gave you a massage because you had a hard day and your feet hurt.  Ignoring the fact that mine were killing me from the hard day that I too had.  There you were, the man I was so head-over-heels for that I was willing to take time away from the rest of my life and drop everything, heart in hand, to spend time with.  I believed that we might have actually been on the path to having something real, and at that time I wanted nothing more then to stay in that moment forever.  I took the picture as a reminder;  I recognize now that it was more out of fear that I would never have that moment again.  How Clairvoyant of me.  *A little snarky sarcasm after the fact, if for nobody else's pleasure but my own.

Looking at that photo you'd never know that we were going to stop seeing each other in an ending so painful to my soul and drawn out because of your inability to grow a pair that a month after the last time I saw you I knew that it was over even though you still tried to tell that it's not when I flat out asked you if we were done.  You made no effort and I'm done giving 100% and breaking my own heart for your entertainment.  It took a while for your sudden change in behavior to make sense.  You seemed to be so crazy for me and then it just all came to an abrupt end.  My calls were increasingly ignored, only to be responded to by text message after I'd told you that I was done chasing you and that I was going to just give you your space that you clearly wanted from me.  I felt decieved and played; shattered by the cold, cruel way you cut me out the moment that I made it clear that my opinions about things as important as my feelings, boundaries and want to have someone in my life who's around and actually gives a shit are never going to dissolve in order to appease you.  I can't help but feel like it was punishment.  The more I wanted you, the less you gave on purpose.  You took my using my voice as being pushy.  I was simply refusing to sit back and be treated like crap.

You do get credit for how convincing you were. The fact that you got someone like me to give you a chance to disappoint me repeatedly is worth at least two muffins.  But you set out to get me like I was some sort of conquest and then dumped my ass the second you discovered how easy I made it because I fell for you instantly;  your smoke and mirrors are pretty.

The last time we talked, I was so happy to hear the real you, and your "sincere promise" that we were going to spend more time together.  Frankly, I don't know how you can look in the mirror without wanting to punch yourself in the face.  Your head is so far up your own ass that you can't even think the words "I'm sorry", let alone feel them.  Sure, you said it every time being at "the end of my rope" was expressed, but nothing ever changed.  You took every ounce of self-respect that I had left and shredded it like a cat with toilet paper.  I'm sure you even laughed about me with all of your friends.

 What I didn't get, is that what you had for me wasn't ever going to be love.  Believe me I get it now!  Loving me would have required respecting me.  I was so blinded by my own selfish need to be loved by you, that I couldn't see that being treated that way was not healthy.  I'm sure it felt great, getting message after message and having the control not to respond only to know that I was going to do it again every time I said that I was done.  That I was going to unconditionally fight for you;  a fight that I would have battled forever if there was even an inkling that you cared.

I had (have) a terrible time admitting that I had allowed you to deceive me with your far-fetched promises, excuses and stories.  The admission that I bought it all exposed a somewhat desperate desire for love that I didn't even know was a part of me.  That was really hard to swallow.  Then of course, there was the unbelieveable chemistry I felt with you;  it was so seductive that I ached for it almost compulsively.  To be honest, there are days that I still do.  It was the most powerful drug. which in itself should have been a sign.

Looking back, I'm not exaggerating when I say that I  cried a million tears over you.  You didn't appreciate me.  You weren't willing to do that for me, and that's okay.  It doesn't make you a bad person and it certainly doesn't make me unworthy of getting to know.

Your inability to forgive me for wanting you has nothing to do with me.  I hope that you've found happiness with someone who loves you as much as I wanted to.  I hope she has opened your heart enough to make you want to be a better man for her.  I hope that you can trust and accept her gifts of love and kindness without reservation or resentment.

Take a break for the summer?  But dearest, we're not in a relationship, remember.  Words from your own mouth.  This isn't a breakup.  It was a violation to the soul of someone who trusted that you were a good person.  I have been through more horrible things in the past 6 months than I had in 34 years.  I needed you.  A partner, a friend, a hug, SOMETHING.  Your ability to turn a blind eye to someone hurting so badly - someone you claimed was a friend - is so contradictory of the man you claim to be and is so incredibly disappointing.

I don't care how well you've fooled yourself and those around you;  you're selfish.  You're a coward who didn't even have the balls to talk to me like a real man.  You're manipulative.  You're fake.  Fuck you.

I'm sorry that you weren't raised to be a real person with real feelings who's strong enough to do what's right even if it sucks.  I think that just about covers everything I've been holding inside because I have something called morals and integrity.  I would die before I allowed anyone that I knew cared about me feel like they were nothing.

To be completly frank, if your dad hadn't told me what he said on Christmas Eve, I would have told you to fuck directly off back then.  I have a lot of respect for him.  I miss our talks.  You, not so much.  I gave up on the "going our seperate ways skipping into the sunset with some semblence of respect left for you", kind of ending way before I had even bothered to come to my senses and write this.  Here's to you one day having a "come to Jesus" moment and actually working on yourself.  DO BETTER.

Have fun living with yourself for the rest of your life.

Sincerely, Me

Footnote:  This is what I originally said: 

 http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/05/youre-not-sure-what-else-to-say-in-end.html

And then this:

http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/05/im-about-to-say-fuck-lot.html

And then this:

http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/05/vital-organs.html

And then this:

http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/05/insomnia.html

And then this:

http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/07/half-measures.html

And then this:

http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/07/swallow.html?zx=6df7799b672ec450

And then this:

http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/07/dandelion-wishes-are-cliffhangers-in.html

And then this: 

http://cynicallovebird.blogspot.com/2016/07/white-flag.html

White Flag

The peace I feel in my decision 
not to chase after your fleeing, 
flirting tail 
leaves me with the underwhelming feeling 
that you wanted me to this time.  

There's only so much rejection
so many "not tonight's" one can bear 
and so few times that a heart 
is swallowed into your abyss,
turned to bits 
like meaningless paper in a fan 
before they find the place that makes them whole again 
while reaching out for your hand and finding nothing.

Searching for where your iceberg 
was a hit to my Titanic heart 
and my insulted intelligence sounded the alarm 
that a wolf was lurking.

Fighting for you.
Not seeing the corpses surrounding 
your battlefield of a heart.
Finding nothing but instant regret
and washing my hands clean of us.

Dandelion Wishes Are Cliffhangers In Disguise

My mind isn't racing,
My thoughts aren't scattered.
The exclamation marks are quieted 
With the undercurrent of recognizing 
How weird it feels 
That it doesn't feel weird....

Replaced by breathing.

This is how you feel 
When you know you're 
In the presence of something 
You're going to learn a lesson from
And you're ready to accept it.

Or that you're over it already.

I've never been loved 
The way that I wanted to love you.
I would have done anything to have you.
Even though you rode the wind 
And made yourself unobtainable,
I kept chasing after you 
Like a dandelion wish.

I guess I should have taken that 
As a sign that you weren't meant for me.
But alas, 
I was much too busy 
using your red flags 
As a blindfold to sheild 
My eyes from the flashing lights 
On the cliff's edge 
You kept me hanging from.

But when you're the kind of person 
Who doesn't know love 
To recognize it 
When it's in front of them,
Blinded or not,
Loving them isn't going to be enough.

I know that much,
                 Now.

In Other Words....

I really wish that reminiscing about the amazing time 
that I had the evening before wasn't 
as painful to me as exercising a demon.
I never feel like I can relax 
And just let things be.
I would love it if I could take things 
for the nice time that it was
instead of my poetic brain praying that I was right about 
the undertones in your kiss goodnight.

It's really nice to be able to just laugh.
And then we both stop laughing because 
we realize that we're laughing at the same things 
and that for some odd reason
someone else on the planet gets my humor 
because it's their humor too.
And that I really am getting over that asshole 
who can't take the time to call 
and am pining over like a lovesick puppy anyways.
And just like that
The switch turns on and I finally get it.
Is he doing anything to make me laugh?
I didn't think so.

I cannot get your lips and hands out of my head
and I thought that by somehow telling you this 
it would get out of my system.
But since it's as if I created you in a computer program,
I'm finding that my technology illiterate heart was wrong.
And it's not just your lips or your hands;
frankly it's your whole face and the way that you look at me 
and the energy that you have about your entire being 
that fucks my shit up entirely...

So in other words,
Hi, how are you?

**Original 7/5/16, revised 7/21/16

Swallow

A pergatory of emotion
Stuck somewhere between wanting you
missing you 
      so badly I can't breathe
         and fuck you 
I'm out
And then you kiss me 
     and it feels like a prelude 
  to ingesting me whole
and leaving me the one regurgitating 
         my slowly dying love for you

-Cynicallovebird

New.

So this is new
Talking about everything
There is no secret code to gain entrance
No secrets
No lies
Nothing lurking in the shadows behind the "truth"
Just genuine interest
Smiling
His eyes
Fucking my shit up entirely
Loss of breath every time our eyes meet
Laughing
At the same things
Not glued to phones
No checking the time
Only talking
Missing me
And telling me so
Sharing dreams
I should be more nervous
Ordering one more drink
Talking all the way to the car
Hesitation after the goodbye
Goosebumps
A longing that I can't describe
And a smile that won't go away
This is new

Father's Day 2016

Technology is awesome.  Without it, this blog would just be a paper diary under my mattress.  I still have one, to write "other things" aka non-public things and because sometimes nothing beats pen to paper getting it out, but I like reading blogs because it helps me feel grounded.  It's a good outlet for what's going on with the things in my head and if I can share it and help just one other person on the planet feel like they're not entirely alone and crazy then I'm going to do it until my fingers fall off. 

Thing #35,302,259,347 that I never thought I would have to Google and have had to since becoming a parent:  How to get dog pee out of dress shoes.  Apparently my elderly 9 year old terrier thought he was telling me off by peeing in my favorite shoes the other day when I didn't take him to the store with me.  In my defense I was there to grocery shop vs go in for one thing and it was way too hot for him to be in the car even with the windows rolled down.  When I went to give him hell for it, usually he would run to his bed when he's done something bad but he just grinned ear to ear at me as if to say "Yes, I did that.  Now let that be a lesson to you!"  I couldn't even be mad.  They're just shoes.

I love talking to my kids.  They have the best things to say.

Last night while eating dinner my daughter wasn't feeling well and my son picked up that it was because it was her "time of the month".  My son was horrified by this because,

"You mean to tell me that you get it on the weekends too!?  Jesus.  I'm so sorry to hear that."

I was talking to my son about making cupcakes for his Papa (my dad) this morning.  I'm at work, telling him about how to do it over the phone.

Me:  "After you make the cake mix, use the ice cream scoop to put it into the tin."
Him:  **huge pause and a huff**
           "Well, what the Hell am I am making then?  Cakes?  Or cupcakes?"

Insert huge roar of laughter and snickering from his sister, because he clearly was not aware that cake batter is what is needed to make cupcakes.

Nothing specific is going wrong at the moment.  Nothing catastrophic.  Milestones come and go:  Girl child graduated middle school.  My son turns 13 in two weeks.  Then I'll be the parent of two teenagers AND a high schooler.  Feeling how I do now, I have no idea how I'm going to cope when my daugther turns the same age I was when I had her.  Probably celebrate the fact that she (hopefully) will have her life more together than I did at that time.  Hell, I still don't have it together, but I certainly do more so now than I did back then.  Sometimes I think back to that time, and it just makes me so grateful for everything that I have now.  Most people (and it's mostly those who haven't stuck around long) aren't aware of what it's taken me to get to the point that I'm at now.  I've been a single parent for 15.5 years.

Which brings me to this next statement.  Yesterday was Father's Day.  As a single mom who also has an amazing relationship with my dad and grandfather who I now don't get to see as often as I would like to now that I'm an adult with responsibilities of my own, this day is not also for the mom's who do "double the work".  I am not a man, nor do I ever wish that I could fit into the roll of one.  I am their mother, plain and simple.  This day is to honor Fathers or Father Figures.  Not to place blame on absentee parents or male family members who, for whatever reason, have no presence in a child's life.  I would much rather not even acknowledge the existence of my ex just like my children and I do every other day.  Yes, I do "double the work", but I also get all the hugs and the laughter.  I get to teach them that it's the moments spent working hard and having fun doing it are what matter;  but I wouldn't have this to teach them if it wasn't for the men who had a hand in raising me.

So that's what I have for now.  Thank those who deserve it and move on not giving an ounce of energy to those who might not.  Be good to each other.

Happy Heart And Transitions

Last night, my aunt and I took my daughter dress shopping for her 8^th grade dance and graduation.  My daughter very rarely has worn dresses (and I’m pretty sure that it was only voluntarily once) since she was 10 so this is a big deal.  Right by the dressing rooms in Reny’s in Belfast, there is a rack of jewelry.  While she was in the dressing room trying on countless dresses, I can’t tell you how many times Steph and I looked all over that rack looking for a necklace and other accessories to get her depending on which dress she chose.  Then we got to talking about what a hard time I’m having as a mom with my kid transitioning into High School and finding ways to help her cope with such huge changes.  As we’re talking I’m nearly in tears about to lose it right in the middle of the store when out of the corner of my eye, I see something red on top of the same jewelry rack that we had just scoured over and I had to know what it was because no matter how many times we looked on that rack neither of us saw it.  With no price tag and missing something that was in the middle, is this red rose pin.  There is not a doubt in our minds that it’s our Nana Rose Dow saying that she’s here helping me through this.  Rei is her first Great Great Grandchild and she loved her so much when she was here.  Steph and I lost it in the middle of the store.  We told the attendant that was talking to us the entire time about what was going on, and she started crying.  "It's meant to be and I am going to make sure that you don't leave without it!" She told us.  We wanted to get it for Rei to wear and because there was no price on it, the attendant took it to the customer service and told them what was going on and they sold it to us for $1.  I can’t stop getting chills when I think about it and I’m crying as I’m writing this.   We told Rei what happened and she said that she is going to wear it and picked out a necklace to match.  The dress that she got is black so it’s going to be perfect.   I cannot thank the woman working there enough and I didn’t get her name but she is truly an angel.

It was nice to have some girl time with her.  Usually she hates shopping more than a grumpy old man and hauls me through the stores just to get in and out while I'm bouncing from department to department like a squirrel hoarding nuts for winter.  Then we stopped at mine and Steph's favorite local hole in the wall but they were slammed with a 45 minute wait for food so we just got drinks.  Then we went to another restaurant that the kids and I go to often and ate dinner.  Then she and I went grocery shopping which she hates to do, but I softened the blow with Tiramisu and a movie.  And then, she snuggled up to me and gave me a hug for the first time since she was 8.  

This is the good stuff folks.  

Joke's On Me

I'm

___________________

Being

Head

__________________

Heels

UUUU

Not today, Satan.  Not today.

But seriously who am I kidding?  
                          You could be the devil himself 
Walking up to me 
              And I would be so busy 
Admiring the way 
             That your eyes burned my clothes off 
That I wouldn't even care 
                     That I'm naked.

Who Knows

I don't know if you can call it love.
I don't know if this is something that's going to last.
The only thing I am completely aware of is that
Any time I am near you
My heart pounds
So hard that I fear that my ribs are going to crack.
You might as well have tied me to a chair
And just fed me heartache,
Because the second I saw you
I knew that it was game over.
That,
And my brain jumped right out the window like the Cowardly Lion when it met the Wizard of Oz.
This player who played all the players isn't playing anymore.

You looked right at me like you'd never seen me before and said,
"My God you're intelligent.  Not just smart, intelligent."
As if you and I were the only two people on the planet
Who understood that there was an actual difference.

And that kids,
is the beginning of the end
of me.

Rabbit Door

I'm not asking you to tear down your walls
Just to open a doorway so I can peek inside.

At my age,
a woman should let the world around her be their muse
there's so much to explore
see, touch, taste.
Focusing on one thing can be a complete waste of time
If only I could feel that you were...

On Dating 2

Dating is like looking both ways before you cross the road and getting hit by a plane in the middle of it. 

Whether I want to or not, eventually I'm going to have to give in and accept "Ducking" as a swear word.  My phone just isn't having that word out of my potty mouth.  It will however randomly suggest "Cock" when I type in the letter C and "Boobs" whenever I enter a B....figure that one out.

Do you ever just look at someone and instantly can't talk to them because you know it's going to be highly inappropriate if you try?

"How are you today?" 

"Well, I'd be great if I could pretty please sexually harass you while touching your butt for just 5 minutes so that I can get the visions of me banging you on every piece of furniture I own out of my system so I can act like a human and not some sexually driven ape."   

And then you walk away and high five the friend who tried to talk you out of saying that before it left you mouth and call HR and leave a voicemail that you'll see them promptly Tuesday after work so that they can give you that new hire sexual harassment seminar again that you were in the back swiping right on Tinder during the first time.

 No?  Me either.

While my attraction to women is rare, there are times that I want to walk up to 1 specific person that I have a braingasm every single time I see her and I just want to ask her husband if it would be okay if I made out with his wife.

"I'll leave her better than I found her, promise!"

I haven't been on Tinder in a while, but as I was recently checking it out and found something that makes me believe that he would be okay with that.  That, and the fact that approximately two months ago on a night out with friends I was repeatedly winked at from across the bar by said braingasmic hot woman.

Anyways, I'm getting off subject because well, boobs.

Why are breakfast dates not more of a thing?  Forget your fancy dinner with the food that I'm expected to be able to consume while wearing an adorable dress in spanx where I have to both breathe and be kind while being squeezed like the watermelon challenge.  Give me my pj's and a short stack and and coffee and deep conversation about anything that doesn't involve feelings and nobody will get hurt;  or something relatively BS free and along those lines.  If I had a movie date at my house it would most likely end in 20 minutes after I pass out because I have rarely been able to sit through a movie in my own home.  You want to just cuddle and fall asleep?  I'm totally down for a nap date!  A walk on a trail in the woods and explore where I get covered in sweat and bug spray and you somehow think the way that I seduce you with my awkwardness is fantastic?  Yes please!

I have a hard time "working towards" a relationship.  I kind of want things to already be that way.  With one person, forever.  It amazes me how common courtesy is lost on most people nowadays.  If someone doesn't match up with what you want from your life, tell them instead of freezing and hiding like a coward.  Then there are those who act to your face like you're the best thing in the world to them and then nowhere to be found any other minute of the day.  There just aren't enough real people in the world anymore.

And that's my point:  I'm a relatively BS free person, most of the time.  As a recently acquired friend said in conversation the other day: "You have had an enormous amount of shit thrown at you in the past 5 months."  Things I thought would never happen did and as mentioned in a previous post, I know I haven't had the best time of dealing with it appropriately.  I'm a constant self improvement project;  as we all should be.

Some of the things written to me on my dating website account....I wish I could be making this shit up, but I have screen shots.

From Dude 14 years younger than myself:

"Hey Cougar!  Is your name Wi-Fi?  Because I'm definitely feeling a connection here!"

1.  I am not a cougar.
2.  You are closer in age to my teenage daughter than you are to myself.
3.  I have standards.
4.  Fuck off.

From random Dude half the state away in his very first message to me:

"I love you."

Um, well that escalated quickly...

His response:

"Well when you know, you should tell someone right away."

And then there's the entire fear of being catfished, again.  Yeah, that's happened too.

I'm so ready to give up on the quest for the actual forever kind of love and just have a crap load of toys and activity buddies.  Wait, I already have that....

Vital Organs

I don't want to keep having to put myself back together every time you don't call.

I am pretty sure that alcohol comes with the label "Heartbreak Super Glue" for a reason, but I've never really been one to test theories.  Okay that's not true, I'm all too familiar with the warpath of curiosity.  I could put the blame on you, but it's me who keeps breaking my own heart sitting here waiting.

None of my organs are on speaking terms anymore.

My brain absolutely knows what an insult to my intelligence all of this is and collects facts to make the pain stop screaming "Fuck this" while my broken heart bleeds out into the bottle of tequila my liver perpetually consumes to disinfect and drown the feelings I've never gotten used to hanging around like some gang waiting in a dark alley to cut me deeper than your lies did.

My eyes keep trying to force every memory of your face down my throat and it's not having it.  They want to rage rivers but my heart and brain are giving the tag team "Don't you dare" and since they've made the mistake before, they heed the warning this time.

My tongue can't stop longing for your taste and it lashes out in protest of teenage dream anguish.

My stomach is over this already.  Antacids are great, but so isn't the food that I used to be a fan of.

My nerve endings are screaming for the calm that just being in the sound wave as your existence brought to them, knowing they'll never feel that way again.

And the underthings, don't even get me started on what I heard through the grapevine regarding the coup they're about to stage.

And my fingers.....well honey, unfortunately nothing feels like you.

There's few sure things in this world.  Even fewer constants.  But the thing I'm most sure of is that once someone knows that they have you and it's not a struggle to keep you, they're going to find a new game to play.

Someone get the memo to my soul to stay out of it next time.

I'm About To Say "Fuck" A Lot....

Honestly, the best thing about text messaging and the fact that it's backed up on my account, is that I have a written timeline every time that someone drives me to act like an emotionally unstable lunatic, and the sane conversations and nuggets of wisdom I dole out to my friends that I don't take myself;  and as I'm looking through them apparently should.

Sometimes (all the time) it's really fucking hard for me to remember that I'm worth more than a once in a while text  response or a pat on the butt when it's convenient;  but I am and even after having a day that was as much fun as a sandpaper dildo, I remember.  And then I get pissed that it's not already common fucking sense to treat a person with a little decency.

Nobody is really as busy as they say they are.  When you've ignored me for a fucking week straight and yet openly complain about how horrible every woman is on the planet and how you're getting ignored BUT THERE IS ONE RIGHT HERE BEGGING FOR YOUR FUCKING TIME, you my friend deserve to be told to FUCK.  DIRECTLY.  OFF.  I cannot believe that anyone would accept that kind of standard from themselves, let alone anyone else.  How are you surprised that nobody wants to talk to a blowhard who acts like the human equivalent of a Participation Award?

Having patience with the person that you're in a relationship with is key.  It is not license to act like a fucking dick and do whatever the fuck you want.  I don't mean that once you're in a relationship that you're under my thumb, but have enough fucking respect for me enough to communicate a little.  Busy?  I get it, but not answering calls or text messages or answering direct questions that are simple to fucking answer and then all you can text back hours later is "What are you doing" to prove that you genuinely don't give a fuck about anyone and clearly not me is fucking bullshit.  Most importantly:  **You are not allowed to cancel plans by text message unless your throat has been ripped out by a hyena.**   And I'm not just talking about someone that you're dating; I'm talking about any kind of  relationship at all.  I would fucking die before I let someone that was a part of my life in any way feel like they were nothing. 

"And the human equivalent of a Participation Award for Douchiest Douchebag on the planet is awarded to...."  Believe me, it's a contest that nobody is in the running for.  You can stop trying so hard;  you fucking win.

If you don't have any integrity;  meaning that if you don't believe in saying what you actually feel/think/mean, call when you say you will, do what you say you are going to do, then keep to yourself or at the very least stay the fuck away from me.

When You're Not Sure What Else To Say In The End, Say Everything

Some folks follow their dreams,
I like to hunt mine down and beat them into submission.
There are times when I am the most terrifying thing I've had to overcome.
There are also times when I get weird, stabby pains in my chest.
Then I relax because it was just a piece of cereal in my bra trying to impale me.
My first instinct has always to jump to conclusions 
And even though I've gotten better at the "is this an ocean or puddle", 
I can't help but feel like I've been right the entire time about you.

My mind never stops and neither do my feelings of being less than enough.
I just wanted someone to laugh with;
I had become tired of leaning on myself
And being there for everyone else.
I am finally ready for someone else to help bear the weight of the world with me.
I hope one day to find someone who will keep me long enough
To make sense of all of the chaos that creates all the places where 
My soul bends like those carnival rides I hate.
It took me a while to figure out that I don't meet the height requirement 
For your emotional roller coaster, 
However I found myself stupefied by the beauty of the scenery 
And Baby I would have stayed forever if you had let me.

I think I scare you because I won't break you like those other girls did.
I don't have it in me to hurt you,
Even though I know I should.
I know that being happy is the most terrifying thing in the Universe.
Once you're happy it can be taken from you.
Sometimes it simply runs screaming after a glimpse 
At the weight of the world you're holding up.
Sometimes it's best to leave the happiness in tact 
And walk away until it's time to come back to it.
And this is where I leave you.
I can't keep breaking my own heart waiting for you.

When you wrote me that time years ago, 
Not through any fault of our own it was ill timed and unexpected.  
I knew you were an anomaly powerful enough to bring my inner vixen to her knees
And I sensed a tenderness wild enough to bring my inner poet to the breaking point.  
Boy was I right.

I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm the first to get under your skin
I'm nearly positive that I didn't even scratch your epidermis.
I know I wasn't the first person to kiss your body
And do things that made you feel like you were the only man in the world.
I had just hoped that I got to be the last 
Because to me you were.

I didn't want to get used to you, you know.
I fought you,
But being with you was as pure and effortless as breathing
And you told me that it would be okay if I did.
But here we are and now I am
And I can tell that you are so not okay with it.

Just one time I'd like to live in a world in which loving doesn't mean losing.
Losing what?  You ask.
Nothing.
You should gain everything with love.
With the definition I give it as an appreciation of who you are as an entire being,
I love you.
And I don't care what you think because I know your narrow mind is stuck on 
That hollow saying that everyone takes back.

Some days talking to you is like trying to fold a fitted sheet.
Ending in everything being entirely mangled and screwed up on the inside of the folds
Leaving you with wishing it were easier to deal with but understanding the necessity.
But looks like it's perfect from the outside;
At least until you go to put it on the bed.
Then all the wrinkles ingrained in it from being ignored,
Stuffed in the back of the closet too long.
And no amount of acting like you enjoy seeing me makes me flatten out and feel better Because they're stained with all the nasty things only a CSI can read.

I'll start keeping my hands to myself when I find someone who feels like you.
Someone who tastes like it would feel if I had a dollar for every time
You cross my mind and make my heart stop in my chest.
I was never worried about losing you
I was worried about losing myself
Until the day came that I reached out for your dead, blackened heart
And you broke me.
Now I know that I wasn't afraid of losing you because I never had you to begin with.
And now I don't know where I am.

Words spill out of me as if I have no lid,
Yet I still manage to hold back
I want to put you away 
but thoughts of us are running through my mind too fast to collect dust.
Words created by memories
Of the chills I get when I remember your hands;
The emptiness I feel when you're not with me is crushing.

I wish you well and along with that I wish you the pain of consequences.
I remember every instant that my poor, 
Hopeful heart caved for a crumb of your time.
I've lost you a thousand times and I remember every single loss,
But I can never remember what makes us find each other.

We'll meet again years from now,
Probably in some antique shop filled with books people pretend to need.
When you are the same old you and I a different me.
Maybe I won't hate you then.
Maybe I will have forgiven us both.
Maybe you'll finally stop searching for things to fill that void you don't talk about.
Believe me, yes I noticed it.

So much of what we learn from love are lessons taught by those who never really loved us.
I left the door to my heart open ajar just in case.

Rework: Uneasy Silence, Curiosities And Visions

 I had somehow become married to my loneliness 
                       and that's where you found me.  

I tried to fight you out of my mind 
                      but I can't help but keep writing my admiration of you.  

Writing it out feels like the best and the worst moment all at the same time. 

I can proclaim a masterpiece for you in this blog of mine repeatedly, 

          but my vocal chords turn to concrete at the sight of your face;  

                 keeping me from saying what I need to in order to voice my need for this to be mutual.  

Instead it's easier on my heart to dismiss any nice things that you say to me 

          and accuse you of sleeping with half the planet 

                 and push you away with the dismissal that you're just screwing with me 

because you enjoy killing me slowly like some narcissistic serial killer of hearts 

         instead of accepting what you're telling me to be true. 

Constantly questioning the Universe:  
                    "Is this an ocean or a puddle?"  
My ability to tell has been skewed by muddled signs of self preservation 
                     and punch drunk curiosity.  
I run a constant race with my emotions 
                and it's usually ego that falls flat on it's face first 
         with inner peace coming in dead last.  
It just sits in the middle of the track waiting to be kissed, 
                 checking out the dandelions.

Converse with me, but don't look at me.  
Your eyes cause a molecular change in my spirit 
              and my mind becomes amputated from my mouth 
and my heart is at the control panel 
        and that's not a good thing if we want to avoid burning to ash.  
My tongue doesn't follow direction well.  
The way I feel about you has become so ingrained in me 
                 that I would set myself on fire if you asked for light. 
But your words are hitting my ears as faint as a coin you've flipped into a well of abandonment 
            and echoing just as hollow.  
Words, that's all you give me.  
I'm tired of waiting for you, 
                patiently watching you gambling copper in hopes of promises of gold.  
It's infuriating.  

I've grown accustomed to goodbyes without ever speaking the words "It's over".  
I keep waiting for your grand deployment from my life;  
               praying with every atom of my being that it never comes. 
Based on your history that you've let me see you don't keep them around long;
         yet I'm supposed to keep my patience level to a maximum at all times even when you don't call. 
My head gets the concept, 
           yet my heart is about 10 miles back trying to catch up.
I could watch you watching the news on the couch 
                  and not hear a thing 
but find a million things about you that I can't get enough of.

There's nothing that can ever keep me from you.

Except you.

This is just a re-work of a previous post titled "Uneasy Silence, Curiosities and Visions".  It just didn't feel like it was flowing correctly and getting my point across as I re-read it the other day.

Viking Funeral

Remembering the first time we were together;
You looked at me and in that moment I was naked,
Your eyes devouring the contours of my frame.
You've nearly got me trapped between your lips and hands.
I drop my guard;  
Unwillingly and wanting all at once.
I could sit by your side all day,
No complaints.
You're my favorite place to be.
Even my demons dress up and behave when I'm with you.
This has never happened before and it's as exciting as it is concerning.
I can tell that you have the power to either end or save my soul.

Inwardly I'm crippled on my knees,
Deaf to reason.
Outwardly I can only pray it doesn't show.
And then you touch me just so
As spikes of curiosity pop up on my skin.
Heat rushed through my body in places only a child who 
Stays up past their bedtime knows.
And even against the curtain of darkness you could feel me blushing.

As we rid ourselves of fear hidden within the fabric of the clothes on our backs
I stood there in the silence of screaming hormones.
Your skin glowing as the streetlights illuminated the room,
But you still aren't naked enough.
Everywhere with you is exactly where I want to be.
The feeling of release to one who is my biorhythms counterpart,
Creating an art that I have only dreamt of feeling.
I want to strip you down to your bones and purge you from any insecurity. 
I want to tear down the skyscrapers you watch down on me from. 
You're quite the architect and I a wonder struck girl;
I'm so vulnerable
Desperately seeking more than just your naked skin.

I don't want a heart that's perfect and unbruised;
It won't know how to love me.
I want one that's ripped in half;
Gaping open.
As feral and wild spirited as mine.
Primed and ready.
It's been tested and tried and proven to be resilient.
Perfect hearts are for pansies.

Give me a Viking any day.

You say you've heard it all before;
You're wary of me I know.
"You've met plenty of women just like me".
I'm not your typical anything and I wish you'd start treating me as such.
I want to take your words and shove them up your tight little ass
And tell you to go die in a hole.
Not because I wish you death;
Because I'd never put you in the same boat with others that have hurt me.
I would set it on fire and let it sink before it could ever reach you.