I like to hunt mine down and beat them into submission.
There are times when I am the most terrifying thing I've had to overcome.
There are also times when I get weird, stabby pains in my chest.
Then I relax because it was just a piece of cereal in my bra trying to impale me.
My first instinct has always to jump to conclusions
And even though I've gotten better at the "is this an ocean or puddle",
I can't help but feel like I've been right the entire time about you.
My mind never stops and neither do my feelings of being less than enough.
I just wanted someone to laugh with;
I had become tired of leaning on myself
And being there for everyone else.
I am finally ready for someone else to help bear the weight of the world with me.
I hope one day to find someone who will keep me long enough
To make sense of all of the chaos that creates all the places where
My soul bends like those carnival rides I hate.
It took me a while to figure out that I don't meet the height requirement
For your emotional roller coaster,
However I found myself stupefied by the beauty of the scenery
And Baby I would have stayed forever if you had let me.
I think I scare you because I won't break you like those other girls did.
I don't have it in me to hurt you,
Even though I know I should.
I know that being happy is the most terrifying thing in the Universe.
Once you're happy it can be taken from you.
Sometimes it simply runs screaming after a glimpse
At the weight of the world you're holding up.
Sometimes it's best to leave the happiness in tact
And walk away until it's time to come back to it.
And this is where I leave you.
I can't keep breaking my own heart waiting for you.
When you wrote me that time years ago,
Not through any fault of our own it was ill timed and unexpected.
I knew you were an anomaly powerful enough to bring my inner vixen to her knees
And I sensed a tenderness wild enough to bring my inner poet to the breaking point.
Boy was I right.
I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm the first to get under your skin
I'm nearly positive that I didn't even scratch your epidermis.
I know I wasn't the first person to kiss your body
And do things that made you feel like you were the only man in the world.
I had just hoped that I got to be the last
Because to me you were.
I didn't want to get used to you, you know.
I fought you,
But being with you was as pure and effortless as breathing
And you told me that it would be okay if I did.
But here we are and now I am
And I can tell that you are so not okay with it.
Just one time I'd like to live in a world in which loving doesn't mean losing.
Losing what? You ask.
Nothing.
You should gain everything with love.
With the definition I give it as an appreciation of who you are as an entire being,
I love you.
And I don't care what you think because I know your narrow mind is stuck on
That hollow saying that everyone takes back.
Some days talking to you is like trying to fold a fitted sheet.
Ending in everything being entirely mangled and screwed up on the inside of the folds
Leaving you with wishing it were easier to deal with but understanding the necessity.
But looks like it's perfect from the outside;
At least until you go to put it on the bed.
Then all the wrinkles ingrained in it from being ignored,
Stuffed in the back of the closet too long.
And no amount of acting like you enjoy seeing me makes me flatten out and feel better Because they're stained with all the nasty things only a CSI can read.
I'll start keeping my hands to myself when I find someone who feels like you.
Someone who tastes like it would feel if I had a dollar for every time
You cross my mind and make my heart stop in my chest.
I was never worried about losing you
I was worried about losing myself
Until the day came that I reached out for your dead, blackened heart
And you broke me.
Now I know that I wasn't afraid of losing you because I never had you to begin with.
And now I don't know where I am.
Words spill out of me as if I have no lid,
Yet I still manage to hold back
I want to put you away
but thoughts of us are running through my mind too fast to collect dust.
Words created by memories
Of the chills I get when I remember your hands;
The emptiness I feel when you're not with me is crushing.
I wish you well and along with that I wish you the pain of consequences.
I remember every instant that my poor,
Hopeful heart caved for a crumb of your time.
I've lost you a thousand times and I remember every single loss,
But I can never remember what makes us find each other.
We'll meet again years from now,
Probably in some antique shop filled with books people pretend to need.
When you are the same old you and I a different me.
Maybe I won't hate you then.
Maybe I will have forgiven us both.
Maybe you'll finally stop searching for things to fill that void you don't talk about.
Believe me, yes I noticed it.
So much of what we learn from love are lessons taught by those who never really loved us.
I left the door to my heart open ajar just in case.
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