New Beginnings, Afterwits and Rants: What I Should Have Said (Revised, And Then Some More)

To the Narcissistic, Manipulative manchild I somehow managed to fall in love with:

Go fuck yourself.

I was told once that there's a difference in giving up and moving on. That the first is because you don't love anymore and the other is because, while you still love, you recognize that you're better than how you're being treated and are strong enough to let go. Frankly, I find myself doing neither. I still love you and while I recognize that I deserve better, I don't always feel that way. I more or less am frustrated by the insult to my intelligence that this entire situation has been and have decided to move the hell on for the sake of my sanity. Free falling away from you (emotionally) has never felt better.

I see now that the texts and calls I sent trying to "make" you understand and 'convince' you to speak to me were an extension of my own need to prove to myself that you were the person I thought you told me that you were and also a serious lack of self worth that I have (thankfully) since addressed.

Recently, while going through the pictures in my phone, I came across a selfie that I snapped in mid April of you asleep on my shoulder and I couldn't help but smile. That night was the first time you were vulnerable with me. I brought you dinner and clipped your toenails and gave you a massage because you had a hard day and your feet hurt. Ignoring the fact that mine were killing me from the hard day that I too had. There you were, the man I was so head-over-heels for that I was willing to take time away from the rest of my life and drop everything, heart in hand, to spend time with. I believed that we might have actually been on the path to having something real, and at that time I wanted nothing more then to stay in that moment forever. I took the picture as a reminder; I recognize now that it was more out of fear that I would never have that moment again. How Clairvoyant of me. *A little snarky sarcasm after the fact, if for nobody else's pleasure but my own.

Looking at that photo you'd never know that we were going to stop seeing each other in an ending so painful to my soul and drawn out because of your inability to grow a pair that a month after the last time I saw you I knew that it was over even though you still tried to tell that it's not when I flat out asked you if we were done. You made no effort and I'm done giving 100% and breaking my own heart for your entertainment. It took a while for your sudden change in behavior to make sense. You seemed to be so crazy for me and then it just all came to an abrupt end. My calls were increasingly ignored, only to be responded to by text message after I'd told you that I was done chasing you and that I was going to just give you your space that you clearly wanted from me. I felt decieved and played; shattered by the cold, cruel way you cut me out the moment that I made it clear that my opinions about things as important as my feelings, boundaries and want to have someone in my life who's around and actually gives a shit are never going to dissolve in order to appease you. I can't help but feel like it was punishment. The more I wanted you, the less you gave on purpose. You took my using my voice as being pushy. I was simply refusing to sit back and be treated like crap.

You do get credit for how convincing you were. The fact that you got someone like me to give you a chance to disappoint me repeatedly is worth at least two muffins. But you set out to get me like I was some sort of conquest and then dumped my ass the second you discovered how easy I made it because I fell for you instantly; your smoke and mirrors are pretty.

The last time we talked, I was so happy to hear the real you, and your "sincere promise" that we were going to spend more time together. Frankly, I don't know how you can look in the mirror without wanting to punch yourself in the face. Your head is so far up your own ass that you can't even think the words "I'm sorry", let alone feel them. Sure, you said it every time being at "the end of my rope" was expressed, but nothing ever changed. You took every ounce of self-respect that I had left and shredded it like a cat with toilet paper. I'm sure you even laughed about me with all of your friends.

What I didn't get, is that what you had for me wasn't ever going to be love. Believe me I get it now! Loving me would have required respecting me. I was so blinded by my own selfish need to be loved by you, that I couldn't see that being treated that way was not healthy. I'm sure it felt great, getting message after message and having the control not to respond only to know that I was going to do it again every time I said that I was done. That I was going to unconditionally fight for you; a fight that I would have battled forever if there was even an inkling that you cared.

I had (have) a terrible time admitting that I had allowed you to deceive me with your far-fetched promises, excuses and stories. The admission that I bought it all exposed a somewhat desperate desire for love that I didn't even know was a part of me. That was really hard to swallow. Then of course, there was the unbelieveable chemistry I felt with you; it was so seductive that I ached for it almost compulsively. To be honest, there are days that I still do. It was the most powerful drug. which in itself should have been a sign.

Looking back, I'm not exaggerating when I say that I cried a million tears over you. You didn't appreciate me. You weren't willing to do that for me, and that's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person and it certainly doesn't make me unworthy of getting to know.

Your inability to forgive me for wanting you has nothing to do with me. I hope that you've found happiness with someone who loves you as much as I wanted to. I hope she has opened your heart enough to make you want to be a better man for her. I hope that you can trust and accept her gifts of love and kindness without reservation or resentment.

Take a break for the summer? But dearest, we're not in a relationship, remember. Words from your own mouth. This isn't a breakup. It was a violation to the soul of someone who trusted that you were a good person. I have been through more horrible things in the past 6 months than I had in 34 years. I needed you. A partner, a friend, a hug, SOMETHING. Your ability to turn a blind eye to someone hurting so badly - someone you claimed was a friend - is so contradictory of the man you claim to be and is so incredibly disappointing.

I don't care how well you've fooled yourself and those around you; you're selfish. You're a coward who didn't even have the balls to talk to me like a real man. You're manipulative. You're fake. Fuck you.

I'm sorry that you weren't raised to be a real person with real feelings who's strong enough to do what's right even if it sucks. I think that just about covers everything I've been holding inside because I have something called morals and integrity. I would die before I allowed anyone that I knew cared about me feel like they were nothing.

To be completly frank, if your dad hadn't told me what he said on Christmas Eve, I would have told you to fuck directly off back then. I have a lot of respect for him. I miss our talks. You, not so much. I gave up on the "going our seperate ways skipping into the sunset with some semblence of respect left for you", kind of ending way before I had even bothered to come to my senses and write this. Here's to you one day having a "come to Jesus" moment and actually working on yourself. DO BETTER.

Have fun living with yourself for the rest of your life.

Sincerely, Me