Half Measures

"Tell me we are hopeless and I will give up hope for you and I but until then that hope stirs within my head projecting images of us telling stories that we have yet to tell."
                          -S.L. Gray

Maybe we were just bad timing.  
Maybe we'll meet again in another three years from now.  
What if we were only trying to be bad because being good to each other was hurting us too much?
Just a stagnant reminder of all things that went wrong beforehand.

My entire body is tortured.  Not having you;  not touching you.  
You were the rabbit hole I'd been searching for.
One look at you and all I saw was an entire universe waiting to be discovered.
You were a wonderland and inward I fell.
I wasn't looking for a relationship.
I just wanted a partner to laugh, smile and enjoy life with for a while
Or forever...
I wanted to connect to your soul, have you talk about your complexities
and push each other out of our comfort zones.

You asked me a little while ago when we were discussing doing that thing that you like
"Why no other man has kept me."
The answer is quite simple you see;
I have never kept anyone around who had any interest in knowing who I am.
Never.  Not once.
I have never opened myself up to anyone.
I always just kind of "went along"
What drove me to do that, I can't say
Fear that they'd leave if I was myself?
They did anyway so clearly it wouldn't have mattered
Through weird vibes in the universe that are completely out of my usual realm
and in every fiber of my being that wishes for this to make sense:
nothing about what this is does.
I can't explain what happens to me when you come near me.
It's like all this time I've been this feral, wild beast in a cage and then you were my rescuer.
With one touch I was instantly tamed in spirit and I had no choice in the matter.
Whatever the fuck peace was, being with you was mine.

In other words:  I gave you an unparalleled access to wreck me.
And so you have.

And still I wonder if my relentless ability to hold on is a blessing or a curse.
Hope and ignorance are good drinking buddies on a foggy night when 2 a.m. memories 
of your smile wake me up.
Everything I have ever let go over has claw marks all over it.
I have a soul that longs to be loved for who I really am.
Maybe you were just some random sign from the universe 
to prove to me that miracles really do exist 
and to prove to me that I really do have a heart.

That is now broken.

We are all a little fucked up, so let's just be real with each other.  
You and I have more skeletons in our closets than most and can barely close the doors, 
so let's stop placing blame and pointing fingers.  
Forgiveness.  Put down the sword.  
To expect a soul's mate to be mistake free is dumb.  
You're only breaking your own heart by expecting this.  
I don't want to play that game anymore.  
In saying that it would mean I wanted to play it to begin with.
Frankly, the only answer I feel I can ever utter when it comes to you is "Okay."
I have spent more of the time that I've known you emotional, 
upset and confused than any other time in my life.  
Some external to us, some caused by us.  
If only you'd stop viewing love with your own narcissistic entanglements.  
We all want what we want until the person that wants us expresses pain 
that we've caused them
Finally a light has come on;  
I cannot give a person the blessings they deserve if they are not interested, even if that blessing is me.  

Please understand, there is a Grand Canyon of difference between the girl that likes you and the woman that needs you.

For me, some things are not options:  
I love hard and completely and I laugh even harder.  
I expect a call when I am told that there is an existence of intention to do so giving me hope. 
I was raised to never allow another person to feel like they are nothing 
I will hold you accountable when you do;  
even if it is after the hundredth time I've bit my tongue.
 I've finally had enough.
I devote myself to those who want me because that's who I am.  
I'm not begging you to stay, 

I won't chase what doesn't want me around.
I was never asking you to trust me.
I was only hoping for a chance.
That you decided you couldn't afford to give.
There will be no more, "I'll call" and then don't respond madness.
I am a person worth having, 
So commit to being in my life or just watch me from social media.

Half measures are not allowed.

If you wanted me, you would have found me.   
The only certainty I know is that if knowing that someone is who you should be with the second you hear a syllable of their voice, 
then I'd rather be condemned for loving all the wrong things than loved for hating everything you consider right. 

It's not letting go of the past that is a problem for me.  
It's that the cruel and unusual mind wants to keep its fantasies.  
Even when they're wrong and cruel to our hearts.  
It's that it's a constant struggle to let go of the possibilities that I saw 
in those rose colored kaleidoscopes.

            "It's all right."  He touched her face, gently, with the back of his hand.  "You disappear so completely into your head sometimes," he said.  "I wish I could follow you."
            You do, she wanted to say.  You live in my head all the time.  Instead she said, "What did you want to tell me?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I am dead,
And over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair
Tho you should lean above me broken hearted
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace
As leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted
Than you are now

-Sara Teasdale