The Real Kind

I think I've come to a point in my life where I understand people better,
or at least I try to.
When I see anger, I also see confusion and anxiety.
When I see tears I also see frustration and a willingness to keep fighting.

When I see you...
I see someone who just might change my entire world.

Can I tell you now that I love you?
Because I do.

The real kind.
I thought I was in love once.
It felt so right but we were not prepared to fall in love
So we settled to fall in pretend,
and then we both moved on like strangers on a city sidewalk.

But you,
You're my three page love letter in a world full of relationship status updates.
Complete with heart-dotted "I"s.

A mouth can bring pain or pleasure.
Mine can be the absolute worst.
It is a great pleasure to show you what love is
and teach myself what it means to be at another person's mercy.

Honesty, I've learned, doesn't like the light of day, so where do I begin?

"He smells like snuggles feel."

I'm sorry, my memory is failing me
and I've already lost so many words that should be yours.

When I try to speak of you all the comes to me are images of that face you make
when you're thinking of something amusing
and it makes the freight train between my brain and mouth come to a screeching halt.

"Jessica, why are you smiling at your pens?"

Can I tell you now that I nearly renounced music after my surgery?
How I had no need for symphonies?
Can I tell you how I stopped writing and how I nearly abandoned words?
How I longed for only silence.
And then, you.

And somehow, it actually wasn't weird.

It is always such a comfort when someone sees the real you and loves that person first.
There is never a need to hide your stripes or filter your thoughts around such a love.
It's pure, what we have.
It's beautiful and rare.
I consider us to be the lucky ones.

Can I tell you now how you moved me?
How seized gears began rotating once more?
Can I tell you how much it hurts to be brought back to life?
In our perfect balance of independence and soul smothering love
let me spend all my days growing old with you.

I love that I want you to change me.
I can't wait to change the way we feel about love together.
Change my eyes to see my future every time I look at you.
Change our personal goals to include you beside me for them.
Change my life into your life each and every day until our hair has turned to gray.

We're going to have an amazing life.

The rest of the insufferable shits can just watch.