"If love could talk she wouldn't; she knows there are no words to explain what happened. She would just hold me, stroke my cheek, and let her tears speak the truth."
- The Poetry Bandit
Dear the me that I'll be when I'm ready for this message,
If you really want to heal, you're going to have to admit to some shit. It truly is time to drag this out into the light and realize that things meant for you won't turn to ash and disappear when you do.
I'm am not going to mince words with you. I am not going to coddle you and tell you all the things you want to hear. I am not going to give an autopsy report on what happened, whether you wanted to see it or not, you were there. Admit that he broke you; made you weak and took that self worth that you always held dear. Admit that while you have always taken great pride in the fact that your life has not once replicated an episode of daytime television, things went down the path of the cheesiest of soap operas. And you enjoyed watching it all unfold while refusing to accept that you were the one that it was all happening to.
You could have stopped it, you were smart enough. You knew exactly how it would end before it even started. I know, I know. Just one look into his eyes and your paper thin walls that you love to pretend that are made out of titanium fell like they were held up with mere staples instead of rivets, but seriously! You knew better. I'm just saying this because tough love is necessary and because I know that you can handle it when you're ready to accept it. Sack up! You are better than this.
Admit that you allowed it to happen because from the beginning you were never really in love with yourself enough to love someone else. I know that you feel completely worthless with your heart shattered in a million pieces, but from where I'm standing it resembles the stars. You've forgotten who you are, and it hurts to see this happening to you.
Cover it up. Go ahead and do what you always do best. Deflect the real feelings with the void fillers of false adoration from the guys you're talking to in your half-assed attempt to replace the way he made you feel. Whatever you do, liver and I insist that you stay the hell away from alcohol. Drunk us doesn't need to act like a frat boy right now. Maybe throw a little time with nature and some yoga in there too for good measure. I know you hate to be alone with yourself because your mind doesn't stop racing, but you also know what quiets it and he wasn't the only thing that did. The easy way out is poison for the soul.
Admit that you allowed yourself to fall without any real reciprocation. That your misplaced need for love caused you to blindly catch feelings for a man we barely even knew (but could see...). Everything was perfect when we were together; but when we weren't, you were always the furthest thing from his mind. You always had to fight so hard to maintain his attention when you weren't fucking his brains out. That's not love; but you were so unbelievably and blindly convinced that you loved him because in your eager rush to dive in that you never really got to know what this person was all about and you were still so in love with the perfect image you had painted for yourself in your mind that you refused to see anything else.
It was a lightening strike. Your world was feeling a little lackluster after the clusterfuck you went through. In a world where you felt nothing special was happening, he was something quite extraordinary. It was a lie. Brilliant and beautiful. Then suddenly nothing was left but dead space and burning weeds. Admit that you're better off moving on from them because in the end all that matters is what's left of your pride. And yes, it is okay to admit that it's bruised worse than your head the time you flipped the kayak getting into it and almost drowned yourself two summers ago, you're just going to have to walk away from the mess even if you have to limp the whole way.
You're smarter than that. You're stronger than this. And I'm writing this now, because I know it. All of it. But you, you poor, poor broken soul who took a chance to see just how deep your heart really is doesn't understand it right now. And that's okay. You will. And I'll be waiting when you do.
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