By procedure, I mean that I had my 3rd endoscopy and 1st colonoscopy. My, my. What a process that prep is. It made me think of people who regularly do "fasts" and "cleanses" to lose weight. How the Hell....I didn't lose anything but my dignity.
Forcing myself to drink fluids on an empty stomach was an interesting experience in itself. Near the end the only think I could think of that resembled the process was this scene from Harry Potter:
36 hours with no food, and 12 hours pre-procedure with nothing at all. My body was not a fan. It is still protesting 2 days later. I'll spare the Universe the details. There is so much air in my system that it's excruciating. My body sounds like a coffee maker. I'm trying to find some humor in this so that I don't lose my mind over it.
My friend that did end up bringing me home found it hilarious that I suggested that we go to the Humane Society because I don't have nearly enough dogs. My post anesthesia brain thought I needed to go rescue all of them. Also last night my son looks at my huge bruised IV site and goes "Ewe that looks like one of those heroine things!" Explaining after I was done almost peeing myself from laughing that he remembers seeing track marks on someone in an episode of CSI. That, and he learned the signs of drug use in 5th grade.
I don't know what I can say about the situation behind who brought me and who took me home. I'm glad I have people in my life who care about me enough to do things like this for me, but I'm also devastated beyond anything I can describe that the one person that I needed the most to be there just flat out refused because they had "better things to do" - when I've had this appointment for a month. I thought that we were past the repeatedly going out of our way to hurt each other and treating each other like an afterthought stage. I guess I can only speak for myself when I say that times have changed.
And of course, I'm doing my hardest not to lose my shit and as I'm typing this out at work the instrumental version of this song starts playing overhead and I fail and proceed to sob:
Not because the song lyrics resemble anything that I have going on at the moment. It's just a really sad song. That and I'm frustrated. Things are different with this person, not the way that I want them to be and I don't like it. I realize the mistake that I made. I want things to be different and I feel like I'm the only one fighting for them to be. When the before mentioned person talked to me the evening after I got home, they repeatedly said "I'm glad it went well." No, it didn't go well. I was sick, I had a really hard time, it was misery, I needed you and you weren't there. If I can't rely on you when I need it the most and have been able to and have looked forward to having you there when I needed you and then you're not....how am I supposed to feel. Of course I'm dying. I also asked myself, would I feel this way if things had gone well. The answer, I would probably feel less strongly about it than I do, but yes, I would feel the same way.
I'm also freaking out because on the paperwork it lists your medical diagnoses and there are 2 that are terrifying, that someone put there and said nothing to me about. I am not going to go into details but one of them is life threatening. I'm hoping that it's just a fluke. I find it hard to believe that a doctor can just put a diagnosis onto a patients chart and say nothing to them about it. Of course it's a weekend and there is nobody around who can explain what is going on.
Between working full time, being a soccer mom for my daughter, 8 hours of therapy a week for my son and dealing with all the invariables that I have up in the air right now, I'm not finding much time to find my sanity. I just keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end. But will it?
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