Alcohol! Because what else is an Irish girl who's cried herself dehydrated going to drink?
That was an attempt at humor. I'm not drunk, but I am drinking. I made the mistake of using eucalyptus shampoo after my 3 miler with the dog. Before showering I was awake, but now I'm awake and tingly. For some reason, this kind of stress causes my body to believe that it can run perfectly OK on 4 hours of sleep each night and the amount of food that one person should eat in an entire day all week. When I'm content, well, they didn't coin the phrase "fat and happy" for nothing...
I'm starting to find my groove. I've done a bunch of research on my condition, it was a lot to take in but it reaffirmed that I'm not going to die, I'm just not going to get better. I've been making sure that the things that I am putting into my body are things that I should be. For the most part. Alcohol is good for the soul, and it's Angry Orchard, so it's basically fermented juice. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. After 10 of these bitches I should never need to see another one, amiright? It's nice to feel semi-human. I start physical therapy for my knee on Friday, that should be interesting.
Repeat after me: When you believe that nothing could possibly go wrong, the Universe is going to prove you wrong just to smite you. And when it does, it is going to suck donkey balls.
The past few days have reassured me that, even though I didn't realize it before, I have a network of people that love me and want me to be happy. They are the kind who just hand over the alcohol and cookies and don't ask questions. That no matter what happens in the next few months, everything will have happened the way it was supposed to and worrying about it is in fact really, really bad for my well being. And for the mental health of everyone that comes near me.
Also, after an in depth conversation with a very wise person, I've always been the type that avoids action until decisions are made for me and that I can't be upset about a result I got for something I didn't do. You can just 'fess up the truth, take the action you didn't (if you can), and hope for the best. Though faith is admittedly absent, hope I still do.
Time will tell what happens next. I am going to let go of what I can't contro.....oh who the Hell am I kidding? I can't relinquish control over my own life. I am going to find a way to just go with it and tru.....
Why do all the phrases about strong independent women all have this crap? It almost makes me not want to be a woman anymore. I am strong, but I'd like to be able to be weak sometimes and have it be OK. Not "Oh, the strong single mom that I admire has lost her shit, but it's OK. She'll come out of it so strong that she could lift a car after a dingo ate her baby". Feelings, I have them. I want to feel free to be able to feel the full spectrum of emotion; even if it does happen all within the same 10 minutes, without being judged for it.
I want to be in love with someone who loves me too without losing myself or compromising my integrity to get it. I won't lie all over the Internet just because I think someone is watching that it's going to hurt. In fact if I think I'm hurting someone it hurts me more - I'm a Pisces, my kind are grudge-holding assholes on level -8,000%. But I'm also Irish and we take shit to the grave. It could go either way really. Yeah, I hide behind my humor and put on a strong front that I can handle anything, but I don't understand what it takes to be just outright spiteful and mean. It's taken awhile but I am a sappy hopeless romantic and I've learned how to take my guard down because honestly, I'm just really tired of having to hold it up all the time. I use common sense, but I have a heart and at the core, I'm just a girl who is asking a boy to love her.
Common sense is subjective anyway.
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