I don't want to talk about what brought on the post from the other day in great detail. I've been asked and to answer, yes it was about Mr. Seven Year Itch.
I swear that since we broke up we've seen each other and talked more since we broke up then we did all of last year when we were together. Of course last year was the ending point and things were really bad, so of course we did everything we could to avoid each other....I digress.
All I can say about what I recently found, is that I don't understand. I guess I never will, as I don't understand what it takes to build someone up and tear them down behind their back. I don't have control over what he chose, which was to lie - yes there is no other way to put it. What he did falls into exactly that category. Which was to convince me to uproot my entire life for something that I've always wanted and to agree to go to counseling together to rebuild what we both destroyed. To get my kids on board and ready to have a man around full time. To start looking for another job as commuting with my current schedule wouldn't work as well as it does now. My son was psyched. Change doesn't come easy for me and I really thought this time that someone had my back. The initial panic wore off and I was actually starting to plan. It clearly isn't going to happen. And that is okay. I will figure it out. I always do.
No, I haven't heard a thing from him since I told him I found out. He wouldn't answer my calls or respond to my text messages. So be it. I have other people that I would rather talk to. Ones who don't lie to my face. Lions don't lose sleep over sheep.
I have learned a lot about myself in the past 48 hours.
That I have amazing friends who know who I am when I forget. Who understand what I can't talk about and why and just hand me alcohol and make me cookies. I owe my liver one hell of an apology. Though it would be half assed, because it was worth every second of the experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world.
That I am worthy of being loved. Nobody deserves to be hurt on purpose, or otherwise for that matter. I'm not saying for a second that I am perfect. I am saying that as humans, we all make mistakes. Regardless of what those mistakes are, especially if they ended in a learning experience of epic proportions, we can still come out of it in the end better for it. I was doing fine, I was dating again and happy and looking to take classes this fall and then against my better judgement I put so much on the back burner because I let myself be convinced that I was wanted too.
I guess the ultimate goal was simply to win. It feels like this was all some high school ploy to get back at me for breaking up with him and that I meant nothing. I call B.S. When you're over the age of 30 and real life shit is involved you should be institutionalized if you attempt to act like you're in high school. I was told the best way to get over a breakup is to stay angry. You could say I'm angry alright. Picking up the pieces of your child's broken heart is a million times harder to take than being on the inside of the relationship knowing why it's happening. I can also say that I am better because of this happening because I will never say no to my gut instinct again.
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