Food For Thought

So apparently it's a really bad idea to blurt things out when you're half awake, even if you're only typing.  Don't type and publish on an empty brain. 

Actually, to be completely honest it's not empty.  It's just full of crap that I either don't know how to say or a bunch of stuff that I promised that I wouldn't.

I feel like setting fires.  Not literally.  Well, for the most part anyway.  I'm sure that if I were to go into details you would appreciate the sentiment.  I understand honesty.  I understand keeping secrets that are important.  I understand the need for privacy in all types of relationships.  My question is:  at what point do semi-answers become better than having no answers at all?  Am I going to be stuck settling for that?  I'm not one to sit back and let things happen.  I guess only time will tell.  Let it go, and all that jazz.

Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.

All I can is say that when you find youself thinking in Disney song lyrics, things might be looking up, but it ain't pretty. 

"New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he's no Prince Charming
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see....
There's something there that wasn't there before"

Don't lie.  You sang it too.

I am pretty sure that it doesn't help that the instrumental elevator music being piped into the lobby at work actually plays disney songs.  And I know every word. 

Every.  Damn.  One.

In other news:  dad let me borrow his mower, as mine I'm afraid has completely crapped the bed.  Funny enough this thing is older than I am and works better than mine that was maybe 5 years old.  The yard was starting to look like I was losing a game of Jumanji.  The side of your foot is the single worst place on your body to get bitten by a mosquito, by the way.

Had an interesting realization on my walk last night.  It felt great at the time.  Did I remember what it was when I woke up?  Of course not.  Squirrel brain, it's a curse. 

I have a couple of procedures scheduled this week.  Routine, yes.  Am I any less terrified?  Of course not.  It doesn't help that 5 years ago I went in for a "routine procedure" and woke up with no feeling from my knee to my shoulder on half of my body that took over a year to recover from.  I don't have a worst case scenario in mind, things just seem to work out that way when I get opened up.  It's times like this that you realize just exactly how alone in the world you really are.  It is not a good feeling.

This realization also led me to take down my online dating profiles.  I just need time to figure shit out.  I won't get into the reasoning behind it.  Other than the fact that the internet is full of cheap hookup seeking dirt bags and that's not who I am.  And it didn't feel like it was coinciding with what I really want out of my life and who I want to be a part of it.  I did it because I wanted to and it feels like I made the right decision. 

I changed the alarm notification on my phone to the Andy Griffith theme song.  I have always loved it and it puts a smile on my face.  I thought that it would be a nice way to start my day, that listening to something skippy would help waking up a more pleasant experience.  I am not the kind of person who can wake up listening to a bio hazard siren, pop out of bed like I'm in a toaster and then not spend the day wanting to stab everyone in the eyeball.  The unfortunate side effect is that it's been stuck in my head any time that I haven't been listening to other music.  I'm going back to Achmed The Dead Terrorist. 

"Hellooo.  Wake up or I keell you!"

Straight and to the point.  I like that in a man.

I have to finish getting the kids ready for school tonight.  I'm so glad that they're in the same school now.  Navigating the drop off area for 2 different schools on the same road was what I imagine the 3rd and 4th circles of Hell are like.  I can appreciate the architectural sentiment, but it clearly wasn't designed by someone who experiences half awake moms trying to commute to work; uncaffeinated and messy haired who want to run over the overly protective parents who won't get the H.E. Double Hockey Sticks out of the way because they have to make sure their spawn's hair is perfect.  It's a great day if I can get mine to wear pants. 

On Facebook, there is an app called "On this day", where you can see your posts from previous years.  I had completely forgotten about the time 5 years ago when the kids and I were at the beach.  The girl child, 9 years old and still hadn't hit her anti-everything girly phase, kissed a frog (after having just seen The Princess and The Frog) and in her dismay that he didn't turn into a boy exclaimed "Who needs a Prince Charming anyways?  I just sacrificed my lips for nothing!"

Prince Charming my ass.  At this point I'd settle for a doofus in a tin foil hat.

Kids, Today's Lesson Is...

**EDITED**

That one should not blog and publish while half awake and emotional.

That blueberry pinnacle and simply lemonade were meant to be together. 

That I will be lose my mind excited over a phone call that I didn't expect to have.  Gravitational pull, y'all. 

That when I'm completely honest, people that don't have to be will be a little bit nicer than they were planning to be.

That connections with people shouldn't ebb and flow and then crash as hard as they have been.  The Universe needs therapy.  Also that my entire being cannot handle the crashing part anymore so therefore if you are currently a part of my life and plan on being a douchebag, see yourself out of it.

That when I am open and honest about needing your time for 5 minutes, it would be nice if you cared enough to pick up the phone. 

That I am really tired of feeling like I have to question everything all the time.  I just want to feel secure for once. 

That haters gon' hate no matter what I do, so hate away!  I am so tired of being negatively judged by people that have barely even met me.  Take yourself back to the Mean Girls convention that you crawled out of and come back when you've found your self respect.

That grocery stores don't carry sanity.  I have been seriously praying to see a two for one sale any day now.

That my gut instinct is usually correct.  Hope says "Yes!  About damn time", signs say truth, logic is screaming "pick me", big red flashing signs point to bullshit.  At the same time I can't help but wonder if my big red flashing signs are all based on things that have happened in the past vs. anything that coincides with what is happening now.  I need help in decifering but I think that realizing this is a start at the very least. 

That I shouldn't have to compete, ever, to be loved.  Unless it's arguing over who loves the other more, love is never a competition and you should never have to feel like you're constantly waiting for the bottom to drop out.  Voicing your needs to your partner should never feel like a chore.  **For the record, that although currently working on it, I am still unpartnered, this blog is just about realizations.

That giving honesty without expecting in return is the most freeing experience you can ever have.  And realizing that it isn't going to matter if I don't receive it even more so.  And accepting the fact that you are not going to get it even more than that.

That I'm not as allergic to human relationships as previously thought.

That is need to stop pushing myself and trust my body when it says that it's had enough.  Failure in this causes me to feel like I'm being crushed by an elephant apparently.  Now that I know what is causing it, I really am going to need to do better to stay on top of this.  I just got done spending an entire month feeling this way and pissed away a summer being sick. 

That there is not really a bad time to communicate specific thoughts or feelings so much as there is a bad way to say it. 

The Piano's Been Drinking, Not Me

Alcohol!  Because what else is an Irish girl who's cried herself dehydrated going to drink?

That was an attempt at humor.  I'm not drunk, but I am drinking.  I made the mistake of using eucalyptus shampoo after my 3 miler with the dog.  Before showering I was awake, but now I'm awake and tingly.  For some reason, this kind of stress causes my body to believe that it can run perfectly OK on 4 hours of sleep each night and the amount of food that one person should eat in an entire day all week.  When I'm content, well, they didn't coin the phrase "fat and happy" for nothing...

I'm starting to find my groove.  I've done a bunch of research on my condition, it was a lot to take in but it reaffirmed that I'm not going to die, I'm just not going to get better.  I've been making sure that the things that I am putting into my body are things that I should be.  For the most part.  Alcohol is good for the soul, and it's Angry Orchard, so it's basically fermented juice.  An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  After 10 of these bitches I should never need to see another one, amiright?  It's nice to feel semi-human.  I start physical therapy for my knee on Friday, that should be interesting. 

Repeat after me:  When you believe that nothing could possibly go wrong, the Universe is going to prove you wrong just to smite you.  And when it does, it is going to suck donkey balls.

The past few days have reassured me that, even though I didn't realize it before, I have a network of people that love me and want me to be happy.  They are the kind who just hand over the alcohol and cookies and don't ask questions.  That no matter what happens in the next few months, everything will have happened the way it was supposed to and worrying about it is in fact really, really bad for my well being.  And for the mental health of everyone that comes near me.   

Also, after an in depth conversation with a very wise person, I've always been the type that avoids action until decisions are made for me and that I can't be upset about a result I got for something I didn't do.  You can just 'fess up the truth, take the action you didn't (if you can), and hope for the best.  Though faith is admittedly absent, hope I still do.

Time will tell what happens next.  I am going to let go of what I can't contro.....oh who the Hell am I kidding?  I can't relinquish control over my own life.  I am going to find a way to just go with it and tru.....

Why do all the phrases about strong independent women all have this crap?  It almost makes me not want to be a woman anymore.  I am strong, but I'd like to be able to be weak sometimes and have it be OK.  Not "Oh, the strong single mom that I admire has lost her shit, but it's OK.  She'll come out of it so strong that she could lift a car after a dingo ate her baby".  Feelings, I have them.  I want to feel free to be able to feel the full spectrum of emotion;  even if it does happen all within the same 10 minutes, without being judged for it. 

I want to be in love with someone who loves me too without losing myself or compromising my integrity to get it.  I won't lie all over the Internet just because I think someone is watching that it's going to hurt.  In fact if I think I'm hurting someone it hurts me more - I'm a Pisces, my kind are grudge-holding assholes on level -8,000%.  But I'm also Irish and we take shit to the grave.  It could go either way really.  Yeah, I hide behind my humor and put on a strong front that I can handle anything, but I don't understand what it takes to be just outright spiteful and mean.  It's taken awhile but I am a sappy hopeless romantic and I've learned how to take my guard down because honestly, I'm just really tired of having to hold it up all the time.  I use common sense, but I have a heart and at the core, I'm just a girl who is asking a boy to love her. 

Common sense is subjective anyway.

In Other News

So many other things other than heartache have been happening in my world that I want to share, so that's what I'm going to do today kids!

I got my teeth fixed!  No more yellow glue on all teeth except one that will be taken care of in October when I get my 1 starter wisdom tooth cavity filled.  The hygienist was so pleased that she had to bring all the other dentists in to see what another stupid dentist had done to me.  I am proud of myself for making that call.

I am down 10 pounds, but I'm not going to hold my breath on that one because right now I'm not in the middle of a flair up.

Which brings to my other thing.  My doctor put his foot down and got me an appointment with a rheumatologist on Monday.  In the past, my other doctor had consulted with one who turned down seeing me because one stupid blood test didn't make me special enough.  All clues all this time have pointed to fibromyalgia.  And I honestly don't know why it took 4 years as a human pin cushion and seeing almost every specialist in the state to figure it out.  Looking at some of the symptoms listed for the disease it's almost like I'm a poster child.  I'm actually shocked that this was never on their radar.  And people with my disease there are 11 to 18 pressure points that don't hurt another person when they're touched if they're normal, but excruciating to the touch to people with this disease. I have 15 of them and halfway through the exam I was in tears.  Every press on every spot might as well have been a gun shot.

The good news, answers.  The bad news, answers.  I am not going to get better.  I'm not dying, I'm just going to continue to have days where I feel like I am.  I have been given some tips that will manage the disease, which is do everything I do on a good day, but do it all the time.  Regular sleep, healthy eating and he wants me to exercise more than walking the dogs 3 miles a day a few times a week.

I have a lot to get done around the house.  Possibly moving - not going to get into that issue right now because it'll set me off on another crying spree which I've managed to not do for 12 hours.  I'm almost elated by that, by the way.  

I'm going to gather up all the crap that is going and get it out of the house.  Having a yard sale September 12th instead of using the day for what I actually took the day off from work for.

I'm not moving on, I'm managing my health.  I won't let this shit win.

In The End...

I have so much to say, but it's just not worth it to say more.  The damage has already been done.  I already said what I needed to.  What is more important is that it was what I should have said.  To the person that I should have said it to.  The ball's in their court. 

**Edit**  I realize that acting out of anger is never a good thing.  I tend to have a penchant for uncontrolled emotional outbursts.  More often than not it works in my favor....this time, um, not so much.  When I said I wanted to get rid of the bad feelings, I didn't mean that I wanted to have to feel them first, and cry almost non-stop, then get rid of them;  but the universe seems to have taken it that way.

All I can say is that this issue is just as much my fault as it was his.  Communication in any form other than self preservation had never been my strong point.

Clarity, regret and guilt can be saviours sometimes too, it's not only the job of happiness. 

I'm Out.

Yes, I took down my previous post.  I decided that I am not going to let this defeat me by putting that energy out there.  I was having a feel all the feelings all at once moment.  It was gross.  I got it out.  I'm over it.

After work I had an early dinner with a friend.  Naturally he wanted to get the autopsy report out of the way.  After attempting to, I figured out that there's not enough alcohol to get through it.  Gods love him for trying though.  We can get too wrapped up in the details of how we're hurting and forget the things in life that matter.  So instead, I chose to laugh and enjoy the wine.

I don't know what time will bring.  Maybe I'll just figure out the things I have going on right now that I thought I had a partner to help me through and revel in my ability to handle it.  Maybe I'll just start dating again.  Judgey McJudgersons need not apply:  I don't think there's an appropriate grieving process to wade through when you've been spiritually Napalmed.

"You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try all over again" as my man Frank would sing it.

https://youtu.be/3EFPJL1uQbs

Lesson Learned

I don't want to talk about what brought on the post from the other day in great detail.  I've been asked and to answer, yes it was about Mr. Seven Year Itch.

I swear that since we broke up we've seen each other and talked more since we broke up then we did all of last year when we were together.  Of course last year was the ending point and things were really bad, so of course we did everything we could to avoid each other....I digress. 

All I can say about what I recently found, is that I don't understand.  I guess I never will, as I don't understand what it takes to build someone up and tear them down behind their back.  I don't have control over what he chose, which was to lie - yes there is no other way to put it.  What he did falls into exactly that category.  Which was to convince me to uproot my entire life for something that I've always wanted and to agree to go to counseling together to rebuild what we both destroyed.  To get my kids on board and ready to have a man around full time.  To start looking for another job as commuting with my current schedule wouldn't work as well as it does now.  My son was psyched.  Change doesn't come easy for me and I really thought this time that someone had my back.  The initial panic wore off and I was actually starting to plan.  It clearly isn't going to happen.  And that is okay.  I will figure it out.  I always do.

No, I haven't heard a thing from him since I told him I found out. He wouldn't answer my calls or respond to my text messages.  So be it.  I have other people that I would rather talk to.  Ones who don't lie to my face.  Lions don't lose sleep over sheep.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past 48 hours. 

That I have amazing friends who know who I am when I forget.  Who understand what I can't talk about and why and just hand me alcohol and make me cookies.  I owe my liver one hell of an apology.  Though it would be half assed, because it was worth every second of the experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world.

That I am worthy of being loved.  Nobody deserves to be hurt on purpose, or otherwise for that matter.  I'm not saying for a second that I am perfect.  I am saying that as humans, we all make mistakes.  Regardless of what those mistakes are, especially if they ended in a learning experience of epic proportions, we can still come out of it in the end better for it.   I was doing fine, I was dating again and happy and looking to take classes this fall and then against my better judgement I put so much on the back burner because I let myself be convinced that I was wanted too.  

I guess the ultimate goal was simply to win.  It feels like this was all some high school ploy to get back at me for breaking up with him and that I meant nothing.  I call B.S.  When you're over the age of 30 and real life shit is involved you should be institutionalized if you attempt to act like you're in high school.  I was told the best way to get over a breakup is to stay angry.  You could say I'm angry alright.  Picking up the pieces of your child's broken heart is a million times harder to take than being on the inside of the relationship knowing why it's happening.  I can also say that I am better because of this happening because I will never say no to my gut instinct again.

Mic. Drop.

When you have learned the fact that someone is never going to change, it can disturb your entire being.  But then there is an overwhelming sense of peace when you find your bearings again, and simply move on.

I have never taken crap from anyone in a relationship.  I don't know why the past 7 years have been so different for me.  It has been nothing short of a disaster of epic proportions, both emotionally and spiritually. 

I keep feeling like the same thing just keeps recycling itself.  The same lies, the same hurt feelings, the same love and hatred, the same broken dreams and shattered hopes, all the same crap, just rolling and tumbling around in the dryer with the dirty laundry and you never know what is going to pop out when you open the door.  Of course it never matches up with what you're hoping to find in the moment.  No specific peice of B.S. to match your shoes;  you just wind up with leopard print and paisley leaving the house hoping that nobody notices and it ends badly.  Always. 

People don't stop to think about who is being affected by the bullshit.  It's not just me.  I have kids that loved him too.  I can take it - tossing away old news is becoming second fiddle to me.  To ask them to is also asking me to do things to you that would put me in jail.

Nobody ever asks for a shattered, rotten heart with a side of fuck you, smothered in I know you are hesitant to take me back but I'm not lying even though I'm lying sprinkled with fake proof to make you take your guard down to make you love me so I can smash your soul.

And if you are handed that concoction and you find yourself starting to sound like Nancy Kerigan, the only reaction that is healthy, is to say "Fuck you, I'm out" and go get drunk with your best friends. And maybe screw one or two of his. 

Clocks

The thing with broken clocks

Is that you can always tell

When they stopped ticking.

 

With people it isn't so easy

And sometimes

You can't even tell

They're broken.

 

I'm going to say Author Unknown, because the internet is wonderful for memes of the same quote with ten different author credits.

A male friend once told me that talking to me about relationships was as entertaining as throwing a cat in a pool. 

This conversation also took place mid 20's therapy after my therapist tried to get me to understand why I keep everyone at arms length. 

Relationships are hard.  They become harder after what feels like that hundredth date ended in "You're wonderful, but I don't want kids". 

Understanding the rage I get filled with when I am told how strong people think I am for being a single parent and "doing it entirely on my own".  Then if I tell them my story they look at me and say, "But you seem so normal, I never would have thought..."  Preconceived notions and all that jazz.  They have no idea.

I do and say kind things because I think everyone deserves it sometimes.  I have seen a lot of dark and sometimes it's just nice to get a compliment from a stranger who didn't have to give me one.  Sometimes it feels like I'm driven to do it by a need for approval.  Like, "If I get this one thing juuust right then...."

It's taken a lot for me to realize that I am not destroyed.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

The Great Dentist Debacle

I know that I am not alone in my phobia of the dentist, but mine has not come from nothing.  I am not going to hide it;  the last time I went to the dentist was 19 years ago. 

There.  I admitted it. 

When I was a kid, I loved the dentist.  But at the same time, in a small town businesses are just like that.  You see everyone at the store, they treat you like they've known you 100 years and they ask you how you're doing and about your family.  You get the idea.

I got braces when I was 9.  Something that by the way, I would never do to a child that is not done growing unless there is something seriously wrong, but I'm not the professional.  I can still remember the excruciating pain of having my elastics changed each month.  I wasn't able to eat for days.  I had oral surgery to have 4 teeth pulled before they could even put them on.  I still have nightmares.  I will never live down throwing up in my dad's car - my mom thought it was a great idea to have it done on a Friday so that he could deal with me half dead for the weekend so she didn't have to. 

I got the braces off when I was 13.  Afterwards, I still had a gap in between my front teeth.  Also there were the infamous yellow spots that I still have to this day that I have tried everything in my power to take off to no avail. 

Kids are not kind. 

I went to the dentist a few more times, addressed the spots with them.  During cleanings I am near tears in so much pain my teeth were left so sensitive.    I am told that there is nothing that can be done, that it is part of my enamel and short of getting veneers I'm screwed. 

The last time I went to the dentist I was 15, it was some random person in Belfast my mother took me to.  He was old, had a huge pot belly and a bulbous red nose common in those in the advanced stages of alcoholism.  I told him that my teeth were sensitive and that he was hurting me, and he replied by holding my head down with his forearm while I bawled and him causing so much damage to my mouth that it bled for 2 weeks after the appointment.  I don't remember his name.

In my 20's I didn't have dental coverage and the only time I have gone in between was when I had to get my wisdom tooth pulled as an emergency, during which I bawled like a baby and almost hyperventilated and passed out. 

When I first worked for my previous unnamed, big box wireless phone company and got dental insurance I went for a visit to a dentist in Bangor that I won't name.  They took x-rays, were very condescending and rude.  They thought that I would come back for 10 visits to have one thing done and then another, all needing to take time off of work because they were the "ship them in and out without really doing anything and keep charging for office visits" kind of place.  They're on Union St.  That's all I'm going to say.  I didn't go back after having the x-rays done. 

Fast forward to now, at the age of 34. 

I was convinced my teeth were ruined.  I was convinced that I had a million cavities.  I brush twice a day and floss most of the time.  Clearly it was not enough.

Last Monday, I thought I broke a tooth.  In a panic I called a local dental office that was covered under my employer's dental plan.  I have heard nothing but good things about this place so I was feeling pretty good about it.  Fast forward to Thursday.

I went to leave 15 minutes before my appointment and the car battery was dead.  That's not a good sign... It was my fault.  Wednesday evening we had a bad thunderstorm and I remembered half way through it that not only did I leave my windows rolled down, but my sun roof  was open too.  The rain was coming down so hard that I couldn't see the river 20 yards from my house.  While I was out in the torrential downpour, lightening struck down on the river front by my house and in my panic to get back to the house before Mother Nature killed me, I left the keys in the ignition still turned on.  I booked it up the road, all uphill.  I walk twice that length almost daily, but I plan to do that and am ready for it.  By the time I got there I was pretty sure that I was near death, but I made it and I was on time.  I was pretty sure that I was never going to stop sweating, but I was ok.

The hygienist I met was amazing.  The kindest little old lady you'll ever meet in your life.  She has been a dentist longer than I've been alive and she knows her stuff. 

Come to find out:  I have no cavities!!  The tooth I "broke" just turned out to be disgustingness that came off the back of my tooth.  Embarrassing, yes.  I met with the dentist after the hygienist was almost done.  She was amazed that I didn't have cavities.  She is very confident that my tooth that is higher than the rest of  them can be shaved down to be in line with the rest of my teeth.  And then, she looked at my spots.  She was livid that I was told that there was nothing that could be done, it was glue left over from my braces that was never taken off. 

Glue. 

FUCKING GLUE!!!!

Of course all the treatments I tried didn't work.  They only work on enamel and not other things.  This stuff is designed so that acid doesn't erode it away and ruin the braces when they're mounted on your teeth.  I drove myself crazy for nothing.  She did joke that not all Orthodontists use yellow glue, some use blue, or purple.  I'm glad I got yellow.  I cannot imagine what the last 21 years would have been like with blue teeth. 

Relief on a level that I can't describe.  I feel like I have my life back.  I go back on the 20th of this month to have the rest of the work done, but just from the cleaning it has made a world of difference in how my entire mouth feels. 

I am unafraid of so much, and yet this was always the one thing holding me back.

If anyone is looking for a dentist, I recommend Fort View Dental.