"Spiritual transformation brings us to the point where we realize that in our own being, we are enough. We don't have to become anything but what we are. Life will fine tune us no matter the path we choose... If we let it. Ego tells us we are not enough, yet spirit made us naked and vulnerable for a reason..... One way or another, humility comes at some point before we go on to meet our maker. There is simply no escaping it. So what if your smile is crooked and you walk with a limp, you're still smiling and going somewhere while you do it. Maybe just help someone along the way, that's the most beautiful you will ever be, in the service of others."
- Ram Dass
"Don't feel bad about demolishing a few things in order to build a better you; wrecking balls don't apologize."
- Owen Lindley
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That was my quota of quotes for the day, onto the blog!!!!
Something to keep in mind for future reference: When a girl is either eating ice cream straight from the carton or alcohol straight out of the bottle or some days in my case both, you do not under any circumstances ask her how she's doing. Don't do it unless you are ready to bare the full brunt of the emotional outburst that I am working to avoid. You will either get tears or whatever I'm holding thrown at your head.
With that said, I'm pretty sure there isn't a heartache that a night in with Beringer white zinfandel, chicken fried rice from Ming's Garden and Wayne's World can't get you through.
I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense. There have been a lot of random working through things going on in my mind. It's like prepping for an estate sale up in my head, there's a lot of sorting to be done before anything can really be fixed. Sometimes, you've just got to be able to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding. I haven't been in that place for a long time and it's good to be back here.
It's so bizarre that someone who for what felt like eternity was a huge part of your life and they were always thought of as someone who was going to be there forever; for one reason or another by the time catastrophe came and swept them out of your universe you were convinced that they meant nothing to you to the point that it was weightless to you to let them go and yet on certain days, like Sunday, it takes the combined effort of every atom in your body to keep you from being crushed by the weight of their absence.
I will say, that I am settled a little more than I was. I got to spend time doing what I love doing to those who love doing it with me. Nothing like a random drive and a shoot in my happy place on my day off. I blew off steam in less self-destructive ways than usual; that was nice. I'm happy dancing with the notion that I'm feeling much more like I feel more comfortable on my new found pathway than I have the past two months.
To be completely transparent, 3 months into the journey into the black hole I found myself at the bottom of, I have consulted with my doctor and am now on medication for anxiety. It's something that I can take as needed, which is nice. I really don't want something to take every day that is going to screw with my brain chemistry and send me off the deep end like I experienced a few years ago. What I have been going through is situational, it will get better, but in the meantime it is kind of nice to not become paralyzed with fear and cry and hyperventilate while taking a shower while home alone because I couldn't remember whether or not I had checked the front door to make sure that it was locked before heading upstairs. Not only did that happen 3 weeks ago, but it was also the breaking point in seeking help. No, certainly not the binge drinking, impulsivity or lack of sleep couldn't have done it sooner.... I went through Hell trying to stabilize myself on my own. Whatever, the day came, and I have never been more grateful for listening to myself.
On the job front, things are working out wonderfully. The dating world has proved itself difficult, but I will thank it for the lessons about myself that I have learned as of late. My emotional well being evening out has opened a portal to the more creative part of my brain, I've been writing like crazy; I have about 4 projects going on throughout the house at the moment.
My sister came back home. Last week was nice to have her around and get to spend some time physically with my niece and nephew. I'm looking forward to this Sunday, I get to see the bonus-brother that I haven't seen in 20 years. Family time is truly my favorite thing in the world. There is, however, one statement that I would like to make about that:
What I allow to be seen on social media about my personal thoughts, dating life and social life are exactly that, the parts of me that I allow to be seen. I have two kids, yes. I spend much more time with them and doing other things than what it appears that I do on social media for two reasons: 1. Because they're human beings with thoughts and feelings of their own and I fiercely respect their right to their privacy and 2. See reason #1. It really is that simple. Being judged based on what you think you know without actually getting to know me is alright; because if you think that treating someone like that is an okayish thing to do, you don't belong where I am in the Universe.----------------------------------------------------------------
Lessons learned and random thoughts I've had and written down:
They really should get rid of Valentine's day and replace it with Second Thanksgiving.
I don't take no for an answer from anyone, why am I accepting this from myself?
My creative mind takes a back seat to work and responsibility most of the time; and I hate it.
That it takes bravery to show up in your own skin. Blending in is the easiest way to lose the precious parts of ourselves. We all deserve to be seen and appreciated for what we bring to the table; even it's just cheez-its. At least I'd sit with them, I like cheez-its. Point is, be you. The world will fucking adjust.
Thank you, pints of ice cream, for starting off as a nice treat and ending as a sad realization that I have no self control.
I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words and most of the time they're too stupid to realize it.
The thought of being broken again terrifies me more than the notion that I am going to be alone forever. That's why I don't let anyone get close to me. Too many failed long-term endeavors of the soul has made me okay with the welcoming of short-term hearts into my bed. It's easier. Sometimes even I feel like there are parts of myself I find coaxing out of the darkness like a feral cat that's about to attack me.
I feel that you can tell a lot about someone by the way that they answer questions. Or don't, for that matter.
We are all just one really good or bad thing happening in our lives away from becoming a completely different person.
I would choose a love letter tucked under my pillow after a night in cuddling and watching a movie over a night in a fancy restaurant or club and a bouquet of cut flowers hands down. Unless they're wildflowers from the side of the road, that's just adorable.
Not a single one of us gets to choose who, how or why we love. Things get interesting when you learn to stop fighting it.
Imagine how amazing the world would be if we all obsessed about the things that we loved about ourselves...
I am always stuck in a limbo between giving someone every ounce of my being and nothing at all. I do love in the way that some people experience an earthquake. I don't know how to be subtle. On one hand, I want nothing more than to create meaningful relationships and on the other, if they leave at least I'll get out of it unscathed if I, for lack of a better term, play dead. I love badly - or at the rate people leave my life I have come to the conclusion that I must be. I don't know how to do something in between or have patience enough to wade around and see what something will turn into. I want it to already be what it will. It amazes me that I still have a heart at all after what I've gone through. I want to be left alone and held tightly by big strong arms all at the same time; not too much to ask, right?
My mind never stops running and neither do my thoughts of feeling like I'm less than enough. All I've ever needed is for someone to hold me down and quiet the exclamation marks.
It isn't that I'd want to die in my sleep, but waking up means feeling. I don't want to hear about how things could be. We could be in love if it wasn't because you are an idiot, yet here we are. My heart is too damn big to be treated as if it's small.
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