Unconditional

You tried to change didn't you?
Closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

- Warsan Shire "For Women Who Are 'Difficult To Love'"

So much stress, sadness, heartache.


I'm done with it all.  I don't think I can take any more of it.  I'm sitting here on my bed at the moment.  Outside is a horrible rain storm and the wind is hitting my house harder than it did during a hurricane we got 3 years ago.  Normally the house shaking as bad as it does would be worrisome to me but all I can feel is a weird peace.  

"Finally, the Universe is showing everyone else what is going on inside of me."

I have spent the past week filled with volatility.  I just want to scream and cry and throw things.  I want to drink until I feel nothing and lay around in my sweatpants eating cheese doodles and watching Wayne's World and There's Something About Mary until my eyes fall out or I finally give in and cry.  I hate everything because I want to be loved and I'm not. I want to stop being made a fool of.  I just want to get my stuff and be done with it.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't need to speak the words.  

If someone wants you, they call you back when they see that you've called.  They text you.  They go out of their way to see you (the 35 minute trips to your town weren't just for dog food, dumb ass.  My dog weighs 13 pounds, how much could he possibly eat?)  They act like they're actually glad that you exist.  I'm not looking for flowers or jumping up and down or even a fucking parade, maybe a hug?  Maybe an acknowledgment that I exist every now and again?  One can only beg so much before their spirit is bruised.  All I wanted was 5 minutes, and all I get is crickets.  I'm supposed to think that he wants me and thinks I'm special how?  Exactly.  I'm not.  I'm not fighting with him.  I'm being realistic.  I want him.  He's all I've ever wanted.  I don't have him.  Why waste any more time?  Get it over with, stop dancing a jig on my heart and break it allfuckingready.  

I can't help but think that the universe is punishing me for something.  I don't understand.  All I have ever wanted was to be cared for.  To be loved and know it.  I haven't exactly earned it, but I certainly don't deserve to be ignored and treated like I'm worthless. I'm not going to ever be sorry for telling someone that the way that they're treating me isn't okay.

But as much as I want to lay down and quiet my mind, life must go on.  I put on the makeup and do the hair and the cute outfit complete with cute shoes as perfectly as I can.  I smile and laugh and spend time with my family who is in town - so nobody knows what happening under the surface. 

**I will add with the exception of 3 very close friends, whom I am more grateful for now more than ever.  I owe you all baked goods of your choosing for putting up with my moment of temporary insanity.  This is just temporary, or at least I'm pretending to take your words for it.** 

Did I mention that I can't cry?  I'm a crier, but I haven't cried.  I'm angry.  I even cry when I'm angry - nothing.  I felt things - Gods.  Damn.  It!!!!  I opened my entire being to him and he just peeked inside like some snobby window shopper, tried everything on for size, threw everything inside of me on the floor and kept right on a movin'. 

"Sorry folks, I just don't carry anything ego-sized." 

And as I write this, I look at the pictures on my phone at some that I took of my grandparents.  True love, defined.

My grandmother was recently hospitalized for some serious medical conditions and it's not the first time.  Everyone in the family was worried sick and since there were no available beds at a local hospital, she was shipped to one almost 3 hours away.

I went on a road trip with my aunt on my one day off for the next 6 days, who is also my best friend.  On the way down, we laughed so hard that we almost died on the interstate, needless to say we make our own good time.  It was a nice break from my mind.  

My grandfather was already down there.  He said that no matter what he was going down there and he wasn't coming home without her;  and at that point we didn't know exactly what was going on.  We got to her room and being the stoic that he is he doted on her and we all told jokes and had a good time keeping up each other's spirits and holding each other up with the "everything is going to be fine" look.

Watching the two of them together amazes me.  They would do anything to make sure the other was happy.  He was laying across the end of the bed telling stories and jokes to keep her smiling.  This was a very serious time, we didn't know how bad things were then (fortunately things were not as bad as they could have been and she was able to go home after a procedure), but it didn't matter.  He was doing everything and anything he could to keep her happy and comfortable and take her mind off the fact that any second they could get some really bad news.  

They were so worried about each other.  Smiling and laughing and loving each other in a way that you only can when you've loved someone forever.  They've been through everything together.  How many women would date a guy let alone marry him when he wants to marry you so that he can adopt a 3 year old little girl that isn't even either of theirs?  Because that's what happened...Long story short, my mother was left at the daycare that his mother ran out of their apartment and my grandfather met and married my grandmother so that he could adopt her.

And maybe that's my problem.  I was always taught that conditions are unconditional;  that people who mean something to you should always know it.  I don't do things in half measures because I don't know how to.  That's where my bar is set.  Love me like that; when life throws you a huge curve that terrifies you, as my partner - no matter what, or don't love me at all.  

This will all sort itself out, somehow.

And yes, I started crying halfway through writing this blog post.  Finally.  And no, I'm not drinking any alcohol.  I've taken a moment to actually experience my feelings instead of stuff them down.