Onwards

She didn't want to leave things like this

But it was at the point where her heart and brain

Were constantly at odds with his ego

And she couldn't have that

She decided that half-measures would 

No longer be acceptable

And did the only thing that she could  

She straightened her makeup

Took a deep breath

And moved on in the grandest way she knew how

Remembering her forgotten worth

And loving herself more

-Cynicallovebird

Tumultuous

You are the most beautiful storm I have ever seen
          And I will always be the ship sailing into it.
Under every wave,
          Trying to catch a glimpse of who happened to you.

Trying to unload my cannon-fire into your crests 
          To soften the blows of the past that I'm an innocent in;                 You never crash into me hard enough to damage,
      But always just enough to leave a reminding sting 
                 When we get too close.
I'm constantly on guard.
As much as I am frightened by the realization 
               That you have the power destroy me completely
          I love it even more.
Stop trying to contain my wildfire!
     Forcing me to flicker into a simple flame.

I feel like I'm at the helm holding up my secret box of                        Unopened love letters.
Fodder from this wounded soul;
I wonder if you have any idea how curious I am to know 
          If that smile you gave me was a ploy 
            Or if I was as pleasing to your eyes as you are to mine.
I want to be drunk on your nostalgia.
I wonder what would you do if I randomly grabbed your                      Hand so I could dance with you 
               In the peaceful symphony of silence 
     That falls over the world 
         When you touch me in the kitchen 
                                  As my favorite song plays.
I wonder what kind of thoughts keep you up 
                 On a sleepless night; 
How you take your eggs or if you hate them like I do
          And how you take your coffee.
What your biggest regret was,

        Or rather who.

  Trying my damndest to give them to you and to show you that I'm real; 
               But your waves just dance around me.
Refusing to acknowledge anything except for 
       The pain of my past avoidance.
You must understand this:
      I am terrified of sparklers,
          And I always knew that you were fireworks.
And now that I'm here you won't play fair.
Trying to push me back ashore.
Stop trying to wash away memories 
                That haven't happened yet.

What makes you tick like the broken clocks you collect
             As if you're Captain Hook?
Or perhaps you're just the Unabomber of hearts
                     With your dynamite lit at the wrong end.

Seven Year Itch

I cannot forgive you,
The man who has hurt me. 
But I can forgive the child that was 
      Before you became this monster. 
He was innocent once.
Before we all grew up and started trying to kill each other
     And loved and adventured without fear of a THE END.

You sang hypnotically to my soul
     And I ran because I saw that you were bleeding and needed me.
There was so much red I stopped being able to see straight.
I knew that you were going to be one for the books.
I have fallen and gotten scraped from time to time,
     But you simply gutted me.
In what feels like seconds you had me drowning 
     In your hypnotic confusion.

The words you spoon fed me were holy.
Not like religion as you had hoped, 
     But like Swiss cheese.
I still nailed myself to a cross made out of apologies anyway.
I know I'm nothing to you.
I'm a fucking plagiaristic copy of every other being 
     You spewed invisible promises at.
I'm still finding myself wanting answers to this myth of yours.
You were always more beautiful as a stranger.
Are you sick or just from Hell?

One of these days I will forgive myself for falling in love
          With someone who never existed in the first place.
In minutes I was ripped from my happy place by you.
And somehow thought I'd be fine
          And just grateful that I made it out of your sickness alive.
Bright sides...
     There'd be no art if your rose colored glasses 
          Weren't kaleidoscopes in disguise.

I keep wondering why I'm not telling myself 
     That I'm going to be alright.
I'm reaching,
     But there are not arms for me to find solace in.
There is something about this new found silence that now has me more scared 
     Of being alive than of dying.
I am an escaped hostage who can't find her way home 
     Standing in her own living room.

I was always the brave one.
         The warrior.
If you know what's good for you,
     You'd drop the act and do the right thing.
You should have killed me.
As always it was half-assed 
     And still managed to rip everything I am out of my soul.
I'm still in here somewhere.
What will you do when you find that your discarded pawn 
          Was really the queen you were searching for?
I still find beauty in your "almost".

I Believe...

That just when you think you have lost all hope and admitting defeat and letting go feels like the only option, sometimes unexpected surprises turn up.

That sometimes spewing honesty at someone other than who it's meant for can be a good way to gain a new perspective without destroying a relationship that means everything to you; cathartic even.

That best friends were invented for times when our souls are screaming.

That tequila and pool tables were invented for times when you need to get something out of you that you can't quite put your finger on;  because it's going to come out whether you want it to or not.

That drunk feelings are sober thoughts minus caution.

That Mad Libs were invented for times when you need to feel like you're going to die from laughter;  the hands-down best way to make a grumpy, hormonal teenager get out of a slump.

That people who were not taught the meaning of NO as a child make the shittiest adults on the planet.

That when you realize that it's not actual defeat that you feel but rather a simple shock to the system, you can find healthier ways out of your own mind.

That teaching a child the things that you loved when you were their age is the most important thing in the world.

That if you have done everything you can to heal your wounds you should take all precaution to avoid what broke you;  but find a way to do it in such a way that you don't forget what makes you happy or how to live.

That if you are taking a time out to regain your sanity, the amount of calories in a pint of Ben & Jerry's doesn't count.  Negative calories if things are so awful that you've holed yourself in your room and are watching a movie in bed.  Double negative if it was because a boy made you cry.  I highly recommend Chunky Monkey for those times.

That sometimes when you are feeling like going shopping it's better to just pull everything out of a closet to appreciate what you already have - and maybe get rid of some of it because you realize what a hoarder you really are.

That most of the time, oceans are mere puddles and we should just find the joy in jumping in them instead of drowning ourselves in misperception.
  

Mid-Morning Observation

I'm messy when I'm human.
I mistake puddles for oceans and before I know it, 
I'm having a drunken one night stand or changing my hair or rearranging furniture and deep cleaning my closets or starting a new project that I know I'll never finish in an attempt to disinfect my feelings that are crawling under my skin like the sand worm in Beetlejuice in order to get you off of my mind.
It never works.
I need a new escape plan.

My dog will watch intently while he decides whether or not you are worthy of putting your hands on him.  
This could take minutes or it could take months;  
but he will never rush to his decision.  
Once he has chosen you, 
he'll spend every moment in your presence reminding you of his love and demanding yours.
He is the smartest 9 year old I have ever met. 
I wish that I could be more like him.
I on the other hand,
feel like a big dumb dog who is stupid excited for a belly rub every time that way you look at me crosses my mind.
Brain shut off, 
not caring how vulnerable I've just made myself.
Foreign, alienated, yet at home.  
Invigorated, yet settled.

None of the physics and all other things logical-defying devices that I've crafted over and over in my mind have been able to outrun those who have left my life. 
I don't miss most of them.
Chronically allergic to human relationships.
That's what I've always described this "thing" that goes on inside of me as.
I've never lost a limb; 
but I bet that's exactly what losing you would feel like.

Museum

I used to believe in signs.                 Perhaps I still do, but I don't go looking anymore.  Words I thought were painted vividly are showing themselves to me but they're as muddled as braille.                  Honestly!                                          Constantly wishing and hoping...

If the Gods wish for me to read riddles, I wish that they would please take my permission and not hold back when they hit me with "Hello" square in the face.

There's a strange reassurance in your existence that helps remind me of mine - as if being here and loving you has begun to make me real.

I'll let you into my brain.               Walk amongst my favorite memories, 
safeguarded behind ropes and glass.         
I won't let you touch them.               
The broken little girl I have let you see isn't the one you're touching when you lay your hands on me.                           The heart you're watching beat behind the gilded sign is too damaged to ever be whole again.                               Remember, you're here on a free day pass.  A view like this isn't going to last long. I'll show you a glimpse of who I am and shutter the doors because I saw that you weren't paying attention.                    I will recount all of my favorite memories; not that you have any interest in getting to know who I am.                  You are a visitor, only welcome to listen.

It's not like I can't live without you.       I've done that already.          
It's just that suddenly being without you feels unnatural.                         
I've never been willing to pull the sun out of the sky for anyone.

Memories are meant for visitation not for residency.                                   I never wanted to be loved.                 It's just that being in the same room as your presence hits me in a place within that tells me I could have fallen in love with you with my eyes closed.                            The memory of the sparkle in your eye that you had watching me when you thought I didn't see you has made a home in my mind.         It was as if something inside of you had caught fire.                                   It was as beautiful as it was unsettling.

Carefully pay attention to the signs that read "Do not touch" and "For safety reasons, stay inside of this line".I wish you had brought a sledgehammer.

Whirlwind

Wavering between reality and dreams.
Beautiful words and common sense.
What I believe and what I'm told.
       Deflector shields are up.             My heart is going to explode under the confusion.                              They're staying that way until things are different.                                 And you know exactly what I mean by that.

Words need to start becoming actions.      You tell me how you feel like I'm everything but you act like I'm nothing.                I saw this coming from a mile away and jumped willingly into your tornado anyways.

          Be patient.  NO.                  It is you who needs to be more careful with me.                                     There's a big difference between patience 

        and tolerating the destruction                of my entire being.               

On Dating....

Dating sucks.

There are all of these unspoken rules about how you're not supposed to spill everything you're thinking and feeling.  Being the kind of person who has a tendency to blurt out the first thing on their mind, this is not a good rule for me.

Honesty goes right out the window and nobody seems to be a fan of using it anymore.  Common sense is so rare it's practically a super power.

Not to mention that I melt at the mere thought of someone being thrilled in regards to my existence on this planet.  That has yet to happen as far as I'm aware of.  

I am so tired of doubting whether people are coming or going in my life.  Finding a way to power through repeated rejection.  I'm good at not acknowledging the fact that I'm a human being, but I am finding it harder and harder lately.  And I think it all boils down to what one person has done to me.  In a good way, but in a bad way too; more so because when I am with them I feel like a dog looks when they're stupid excited about a belly rub.

You know what turns me on?  What keeps me coming back?
Effort.  Assurance.  Conversation.  Conversing - my favorite verb on the planet.  Show me that you care.  That you really want me.

Actions, things like letting me know that you're still watching me get into my car and drive away after you've walked me out and telling me to let you know when I made it home.  Responding to messages.  Acting like you're glad to hear from me.  Don't just say shit to make me fall in love with you if you're not ready for me to do that.  Don't tell me that I make you happy after you've ignored me for a month.  Especially after canceling plans by text message and thinking that it was a perfectly acceptable option.  When you pull shit like that, you're basically the human equivalent of a participation award.  Good fucking job, douche.

Picture it:  I went out for some drinks with my friend last night and I told her what had been happening with Mr. InvaderOfWhatTheFuck-Landia.  I told her about the cuddling that I'm actually comfortable with, and the staring into my eyes, and political debates and discussions that I'm actually enjoying and was mostly sober for and the spending the night and all the fucked up things happening in my head, like taking him to my camp.  What the fuck is that?  It took me a year of knowing Mr. Seven Year Itch before he got to go there, and it was another 5 years before I let him go again.  (**Note:  for me, camp is the happiest place on Earth and I wouldn't ever just take anyone who hasn't earned a place in my life because I'll be damned if anyone is going to desecrate it with their bullshit)  After clarifying not once, but twice, that I was fine with the cuddling, she asked if I needed to go to the Emergency Room to be checked for roofies or other drugs because she was genuinely concerned for my safety.  In her words, "I can see you enjoying a political debate before I can see you not screaming in terror when someone is trying to cuddle you, and even then I would need photographic evidence to believe it."  In other words;  this really has never happened before in the history of ever.  Holy Fuck balls. 

When I deactivated my POF account in the fall shortly after I met Mr. I, it wasn't because I was delusional enough to believe right away that he was the one;  it was because I FUCKING HATE DATING.  I didn't even really want to reactivate it 2 weeks ago like I did.  I've had some pretty interesting conversations.  And in response to something Mr. I. said, no, to the best of my knowledge, I do not have a fan club.  Not anywhere on this planet.

I'm starting to think my account should read:  

Super socially awkward, fun loving single mom of 2.  I'm an open book, but not a doormat.  Has a tendency to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and is the only person in the entire world who actually wants what she says that she does.  I love being outside with my dog, laughing with friends.  I'm looking for friends, possibly more.  Definitely not just a one time hook up.  I honestly think that I'm the last person on the planet who thinks that loyalty is a thing to be proud of and doesn't see dating as a sport.  Lover of shows from 70's, 80's and 90's television.  Geeky t-shirt wearer.  Twisted sense of humor.  No fucks given, most of the time.  Compulsively organizes a closet or a drawer while the rest of the house looks like it exploded.  Kitchen alchemist - fudge catches fire when it boils over onto a glass top stove and then turns to rock, who knew :).  Lover of projects, just doesn't have the attention span to be able to finish the last 10%, no matter what it is.  Just for kicks pinup and fetish model - no being open about it isn't an invitation to ask for nude pictures or to disrespect me.  I don't judge other people's dynamics but if you're on here and you're lying to someone about it, look elsewhere.  I will love your pet and will probably be more affectionate with them than with you.  I have a very hard time not treating people like I've known them for the past millennium so don't take offense to my kindness.  I love to play games, just none that involve a person's vital organs if you catch my drift.  I'm not needy, I'm a very busy person and I care about the people in my life so if I make time for you please respect that.  Please have something intelligent to say, I love conversation.  I'm not looking to have a fantastic conversation one minute and be ignored and treated like I'm nothing the next.  I have the attention span of a squirrel, if you can hold my attention for more than five minutes I will love you until the Earth falls apart.  If you message me and all you can say is "What's up?" I'm going to ignore you. If all you can say to me is how amazing my boobs look in the black dress (**note, a picture I put on there on purpose to weed out the dicks), I will block you.   Oh, and don't be a lying douche.  It's just bad form.

And I don't have any interest or want to hear about all of the shitty relationships you've had constantly.  Or making me feel inadequate by sharing all of your amazing stories about how your ex had the most amazing body in the history of boobs.  Stop storing memories of failure better than a camel stores water.  Talk about the past at appropriate times;  sexy time, is not that time.

Another thing:  You know how some guys buy flowers or drinks in bars for girls?  Why can't people do that in other stores?  Like when I'm looking at a comic book store and someone walks up to me and offers to buy me the #13 Quantum Leap or some Calvin & Hobbes or that Stay Puft marshmallow man piggy bank (that I still regret not buying when I saw it at Bull Moose), there is a bigger chance that things would work out in their favor.

And when it comes to relationships:  fuck the flowers and the gifts.  I just want to know that you think about me because you don't just say it.  You show it by touching me like it's agony on your hands not to.

I give up.  

There May Be Life On Mars After All....

"When you get excited over a new sponge in the sink, you're at an all time low."

- Realized as I was waiting to see if my coffee was going to use it's powers for good or evil this morning.

I'm going to get honest for a minute.

The past 6 weeks have been Hell.  I have been in a space that, with no other way to put it, I was shut down from life.  When you have been involuntarily attacked within your own walls that you put up to protect yourself by someone that you trusted with your entire being, stuck in your own mind is a very bad place to be.  

I had panic attacks, sometimes several a day.  I cried more and harder than I have in my lifetime.  I have consumed more alcohol than I did in the entirety of last year combined.  I was angry.  Most nights if I got any at all, I could count the number of hours of sleep on one hand.  The stress was so bad that I broke out in hives and woke up every morning for two weeks looking like I had been wrestling with a tiger in my sleep.  I consumed more benedryl and advil than any stomach should have to bear.  My house is more of a wreck than usual.  I binge watched Netflix and did everything I could do to avoid seeing anything remotely happy or lovey-dovey.  I was compulsive.  I barely ate.  I was selfish.  I did what I needed to do to feel better come Hell or high water; no matter what that was.  I was honest with people about what I was feeling and thinking and I wasn't always nice about it.

And here's the thing:  I'm not sorry.

I reached out to people more than I was ever able to.  I forced myself to laugh until I wasn't forcing it anymore.  I became more conscientious about how I was feeling and embracing it instead of turning myself into an emotionless, exploding zombie trying to ward off feelings.  I ate good things to make up for the fact that I could barely eat and now that's all I want.  I started moving on with my life and it moved with me instead of crumbling like I was afraid of.  I did what I needed to do to relax regardless of the number of hours of sleep I got.  I sought inner peace until it wasn't running from me anymore.  Over the past week, things have slowly gotten better and I have faith that they will even more so.  I think my biggest hang up was that I didn't feel like myself and I was so focused on getting that back that I didn't realize that she very well may be gone forever.  And that I'm okay with it.

Sometimes, something really horrible has to happen in our lives;  shaking us at our very core.  Being thrown into a Hell that we didn't ask for;  learning to stop analyzing and asking questions I'll never get answers to and simply find a way out.  Then, and only then, are we able to come out able to see the beauty in something as seemingly simple as a new sponge in the sink.

Darkness

It's always been there.
   Tiny,
Yet dark and foreboding.
I knew it wasn't a safe place.
There are no warm and fuzzy feelings to be had in there.
Everything was growing beautifully around it.
There was always this undercurrent of sadness that, if I'm honest about it, I never really minded.
Allowing so much happiness to be cultivated.
So inviting and beautiful.
There was always something lurking in the shadows
               of the hole in the floor.
No matter how happy I was
        or tried to be
No matter how much I danced
        it was always there;
Something to avoid
Sure enough
        One day
It was all too much to bear.
I wanted to know what was in there
Too bold for my own good
One footstep away from it and the air was sucked out of the room
       Warning,  "Don't touch me!"
I didn't care anymore
            Who needs using their better judgement when they can have a comfortable lie?
This darkness isn't all it's chalked up to be
         Comfortable here for way too long
             Trying to claw my way out
Happiness is always a lie
What happens now that I've had both
            and find myself skipping between both worlds?

"Let Me Take A Selfie"

There are loads of people who wag their condescending fingers at those who take selfies and throw them around on the Internet.  But take it from someone who is there more often than not:  there's a heap of blues behind the smile, the cleavage, the duck lips.

Regret, anger, sadness, panic, loathing - they all keep piling up on me;  adding to this paralyzing sense of inadequacy.  On the outside I might look like I'm holding it down.  Believe me, every cell in my body has disintegrated into jello.  Every inch of my soul wants nothing more than to erase time and find myself again.  I've made a goal in life to keep my mind in a place of understanding, rather than judgement.  I also think this is a lot of the reason that I've been feeling the way that I do lately.  Instead of focusing on the fact that I'm doing the right thing and the thing that I know that I should be doing, I hold onto the memory of what I thought I knew to be true.

Lots of selfies are the creation of people wishing they could crawl inside a carefully created self-portrait of themselves.  To live forever in a frozen moment where they appeared to be fine.

Solace comes in strange ways.  Sometimes all it takes is seeing your own picture lit up on a screen to feel OK again, if only for a few seconds.  Sometimes it's the arms of a complete stranger;  anything to feel the familiar burn and tingle of forgetting the world for awhile.

It's entirely possible when you're down and out to numb certain very real pains with anything and everything that feels right in the moment;  and if you can't relate then I'd consider you to have won the emotional lottery.

I don't cringe at the drunk on the street or the selfie taker on social media anymore.  I get it.  More hugs.  Less judgement.  Please.

Little Voice

I find my mind quieted and unable to bring myself to leave.
I fell  as easily as fingertips that trace over my body.
       Teasing.
Bruising my ego with every goose bump and loss of breath.
Leaving me with a longing that I'm not used to.
Don't go.
          Beg me.
                 Please.
Don't brush me off.
            Don't put up a wall.
I promise I'll stop being honest if you would start.
I don't want to stop feeling this way.
I set out to destroy you.
     It was I who am destroyed.
Check.  Mate.
Imploded upon myself.
        Point.  Proven.
A brilliant plan without a plan that backfired.
    You belong to no one.
                  I wasn't supposed to.
Finding that I'm wanting so much that I never knew existed.
           I wasn't supposed to feel.
So much that I can barely breathe just thinking about you.
You weren't supposed to prove me right.
   My heart doesn't belong in my body anymore.  
               Please take it.
We waited so long for each other.
                       And now we're still strangers.

Happy VD

What a cluster this weekend turned out to be.

It started with me finding things to do for both kids and taking Sunday off so that I could have a nice evening like I was hoping for that was canceled by text message.  That's right.  Way to keep it classy.  Point made.  I'm not stupid.  If you tell someone twice that you want to see them and then don't even have the decency to call then that person means nothing to you.  Point.  Taken.  Noted.  I don't have the cheat codes to the games that everyone claims they don't want to play.

Which leads me to the following rant:   I swear I am the last person on the planet that doesn't see dating as a sport.  In no way did I care about the fact that this was Valentine's day weekend.  It has never mean anything more to me than the fact that it's my mother's birthday.  That, and I henceforth dub it "Single's Awareness Day".  Nothing reminds you just how alone you are in the world when everyone around you is confessing their undying love for the asshole they can't stand 364 other days of the year.  I don't think that people should need to use it as an excuse to treat each other any differently than they should already be treating the person that they're in a relationship with any other day.  If I go out of my way to show any sort of kindness to you it's because I have an appreciation for who you are as a whole person in general, not because I want something from you other than your time and mutual respect.  I am not in a relationship and in no way am I delusional enough to believe that after 3 months that I am.  However, I should mean something by now.  And yes, I will admit that I had the slightest moment of homicidal rage when I saw the Facebook post of my thrice married best male friend newly engaged yet again less then a month after the ink on the divorce papers was dry to a woman that he has known for an even less amount of time.  I don't ask for a whole hell of a lot:  call when it's appropriate to do so (like when you're canceling plans or when you said that you will!!!), give me snuggles, touch my butt like it's the best thing in the whole wide world and act like I still exist when I'm not naked in front of you.  End rant.  For now anyways.

I can barely eat because I take two bites and I'm stuffed, three bites and I'm ready to explode.  None of my pants that were tight a month ago fit me so I went shopping at Old Navy and to my surprise I bought a pair of jeans in the next size down from the ones that I was wearing and were loose without trying them on and they fit perfectly.  I've heard of the "divorce diet", but this isn't that.  It's more like the "my body has figured out that over eating to emotionally cope doesn't snap her out of it or work so let's do the opposite as a human experiment on how little food a fat girl can survive on before she loses her shit entirely".  Because you know that dealing with my recent stress by binge drinking and verbal outbursts where I spew a bunch of emotional honesty isn't nearly humiliating enough.

Then Saturday night after work I had a half of a beer with dinner and thought it would be OK to start my new medication that said in several places "Do not drink alcohol in any amount with this".  Usually it just means that it would intensify the effects or make you nauseous, I figured it couldn't hurt anything.  Sure enough, within 30 minutes of taking it I was itching from head to toe and broken out in weird hive-like rash in several places and my tongue swelled up.  I called the on call provider for my practice who told me to take enough benedryl to knock out a horse (aka the adult dose which causes me to fall asleep standing up minutes after ingesting).  She also instructed me not to consume any alcohol in the next 48 hours or this kind of reaction could happen again and I could die this time.  Here I am, home alone in a snow storm, terrified and having one of those "Well, this is it.  This is how I'm going to go" moments.  I spent most of the evening curled up in bed wishing for death.

Got a 2:30am wake up from my sister asking me to rescue my mother from herself again.  To which I promptly refused because there's only so many times one can do that before you're just following them around with a safety net without taking their scissors away.

Woke up feeling like I had consumed an entire keg while jazzercizing.  Thought it was a good idea to go to the slots with my Nana and aunts.  It was fun, but I couldn't drink and in my family it's customary to be drunk before noon on any given family outing.  The food at the buffet was acceptable but not worth the money I spent on it.  I did get some pretty good quotes though:

"Your father couldn't have been the milk man, he was my brother!"  Said by Nana after aunt #3 said that she never fit in and that her father was the milk man.

"You can't ram them no matter how stupid they're driving.  It'll be considered a hate crime because their car is black!"  Again, said by aunt #3 to aunt #1 while following an extremly ignorant driver who clearly didn't know how to drive in Maine in the winter.  Which then opened up the can of worms about how everyone is butthurt about everything nowadays and how unfortunate people are who don't have a family like mine who considers sarcasm to be the language of love.

By the time I got home I needed a nap, which of course I didn't get.  So there I was, itchy, tired from fighting off death, emotional from being blown off and feeling like a human being and it pissed me off me off because I don't like feeling like I'm a human being.

Word to the wise:  when I tell you how I really feel about something, don't ask me if I've been drinking.  It's just not smart.  Especially if you did something epically stupid and I'm calling you on it.

Cupid was clearly not beaten nearly enough as a child.

Logical Nonsense

"But the law of loving others could not be discovered by reason, because it is unreasonable."
-Tolstoy

Oh for the love of logic!!!!  Have you ever met someone whose entire being has you feeling like you're about to burst into flames?  Because you totally should.

I think that I've come to the conclusion that drunk me and sober me are one in the same.  No more excuses.  I've learned over the past month to stop, look and listen - much like we did when we were kids learning to cross the street - to what my instinct is telling me.  I think I'm finally on the right path to figuring my shit out.  Not really, but I can at least see which direction I want my path headed in rather than staring at the deep dark forest of the dating world and being scared shitless.  Taking an action even though it might end up being the death of you, I've decided, is a million times more worth it than playing it safe just because of all the crap another certain person put you through trying to destroy you.

And no friends, this is not a Disney film (Train Wreck version, maybe?).  Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia is not Prince Charming, despite what happens in my brain when I think of him.
**Insert image of gif from last post**  I am not a princess or a Disney character of any kind.  Over several conversations with friends who insist that being up front from the moment I knew how I felt was the best policy I bit the bullet and sort of/kind of told him what was happening in my brain.  I really felt a strong need to make sure he understood that I don't feel things, but somehow there's an exception here.  It's freaking me out.  I'm pretty sure I lost all ability to breath and blacked out for a second when he said something super sweet after I was done blurting out my nonsense.

You know what my inner cynic is saying about this last paragraph?  That I was drunk and thought it was a good idea to spill the beans because then I could use it as an excuse later to say that I didn't really mean it and that Mr. IOWTFL said incredibly adorable thing to feed his ego and that he doesn't really care about me at all.  That he's just some douche bag soul crusher who makes women fall in love with him just to prove he can and to get his dick wet.

And then you know what I did to shut the stupid bitch up?  I sent him a text stating that I remembered said dumbass things from last night and that I regret nothing.  Take that.  And you know what?  I don't care if he did say it to feed his ego.  Maybe he is a douche bag soul crusher.  I'm done hiding.  My feelings, my thoughts, my wants, my fantasies.  All of it.  I'm done.  And it's okay that he might not feel the same way.  For a change I have proof that I am able to feel something and to be even more honest, it's wonderful.  Lately things have been pretty dark in my world and if I have a little, even the tiniest glimmer of hope that it's just temporary, and the slightest chance that maybe, just maybe, I am actually not a dark-hearted troll like I feel like I might be most of the time, you're damn right I'm going to grasp it as hard as I can until I can't anymore.  It actually feels kind of nice to accept the fact that I don't have control over this.

So much over the past several months has happened that I had no control over and it has sent me into a tailspin of panic attacks and flare ups and what I recognize now as really bad choices (kept behind the scenes and on a need to know basis - and no, it's not drugs.  Anyone who who knows me well enough can do the math or has already been my shoulder to cry on or ear to bend).  After the most recent dramatic episode that *hopefully* will be over soon, I don't want to know what happens next so I'm planning on paving the way as much as I can and drive out the negative energy.  A little "Exorcising the demons, both inner and Universal", if you will.  Surrounding myself with people that I find to be of value to me rather than focusing on the past and riding the PTSD roller coaster.  Letting people in is something that I'm not the best at but I think I've been doing a good job of at least knowing what I need enough to express it and get it in the healthiest way possible.

Fate? Inertia? Bueller?

"It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed:  it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope.  But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical will live the relation to another as something alive."

Rainer Maria Rilke

In an effort to deal with recent events, I am not going to talk about it to those who are not directly involved.  I will say however, that sometimes once you think you have found the entirety of ones crazy, there can be an entire underground garage complete with sub levels.  It will shake you to your core, but it will also prove what you're made of by how you deal with it.  Instead of letting it ruin me, I'm going to just move on.

I haven't been blogging on here a lot because I started writing on another blog that covers a different facet of my life.  I'm actually quite excited about it, but I'm not going to post it on here because I prefer to keep it separate.  I know some who read this one would have a heart attack if I said half of the stuff that goes on behind closed doors in my world.

Over the past year, I took a huge leap of faith and decided that I was going to do what it takes to be happy rather then continually doing an autopsy report on something that was already decayed beyond recognition.  There is nothing that you can ever do to take back something that happened, words that were said.  Most of the time it's not even worth it to wish you could.  The energy is best used on what deserves it, and nobody deserves my attention more than I do.

There's a French proverb I came across the other day that says: "You often meet your fate on the road you've taken to avoid it."  I guess being on a dating site looking for anything but love it was bound to happen.

Just like any relationship that is going to be worth it and last, it has to take patience and time.  I know who I am and what I want now more than I ever have.  I have never been a patient person.  I've always been in the position to need to be the one who takes charge and forges ahead to get things done.  There's only one image in my head that comes to mind when I think of what happened to me when I saw the person that I was, and still am, willing to be patient for:

Fate has a funny way of coming around.  It's like a tiny, unpopular restaurant filled with weird little waitresses with shitty attitudes who bring you things you never asked for and end up loving anyway.

In the event that they're reading this:  I'm sorry.  I miss you.  And if I really did say what you said I did, then I mean it more now than I ever have - considering the fact that when you told me that I said that I was a little dumbfounded because I don't think those are words that I would ever mumble let alone type into a message.  

Heeere Kitty Kitty

I know someone who thinks that they are invincible.  This person thinks that it's ok to steal someones photos (not mine) and use them to pretend to be someone else online and fuck with people.  That it would make me so distraught that I would run back to him and we would run off to the sunset together after a few apologies. 

Catfishing is illegal.  Wrongfully pretending to be someone else just to hurt a person is simply disgusting.  Taking advantage of someone who clearly was in no position to be able to consent to what you were doing to them and woke up with no recollection or idea what you did to them because they were so under the influence while you were completely sober is a sex crime.  I hate to break it to you, but being batshit crazy doesn't count as being under the influence.  Driving two hours to take pictures of me on a date outside of the theatre just because I didn't tell you who I was going with because it was none of your damn business is stalking.  Falsifying information and making a person trust you with their naked body as a photographer is a sex crime.  I could go on forever.

I have been violated to my core by you and I am not going to allow it anymore. 

A protection order is the least of your worries right now dickhead.  You belong in jail.  That is all I can say about it, both because I simply hate having the energy out there and because I'm in the middle of pursuing legal action.  I don't know what path this will take, but I sure as Hell am not going to sit back and take it.

If You're Happy And You Know It....

....freak the fuck out and do everything you possibly can to sabotage it quick before your heart explodes!

**No rainbows, glitter, puppies, kitties or unicorns were harmed in the creation of this blog post, however you may want to after you are done reading it.**

Normally when someone is being perky in my general direction this early before I finish my coffee I get kinda stabby, but not today.  Maybe never again for that matter.  I seriously almost feel the need to apologize for not being my usual snarky, sarcastic, love is bullshit self.

Sorry not sorry, K?  I've kind of sort of learned to meet you half way and compromise, see, learning.

Oh, and I'm also not saying that I still don't believe that love is bullshit, I'm just saying that I'm kind of that H word that I'm not used to...

**Fighting the urge to stop talking before I further incriminate myself**

...It's making me think things, okay?!?  You know, the things that I want but shouldn't think about because I'm not going to have them and I've accepted that already.

"What brings on this very sudden, very weird shift in the Universe J?"

Well folks, I'm glad you asked.  Because I've been struggling to find words for it for about 3 days now and I've been dying to get it out of me.  Like in the Spongebob with a secret sense, for real.  I don't even like Spongebob, but that's the only thing I can think of when I think of a struggle this real at the moment.  I can't remember words, hence why no blogging for me.  I can barely focus long enough to remember pants, let alone the entire English language and how to correctly use a keyboard.

So, in some previous posts, I've mentioned how separated I keep myself from people mostly on purpose without getting into the why.  **Side note:  I don't think I ever will**  How I have this certain side of my brain that I don't let people see, but a certain someone has invaded it like a fucking alien who the Universe sent my way just to screw my shit all up.  All of it.  Or use my important, necessary for functionality organs as a playground.  The jury is still out.

This simply will not stand.  But since I'm feeling so warm and fuzzy and all, maybe I'll just lay down so that it doesn't have to.  This is not the forum in which I am going to use to go into details.  If you are catching my drift then you know where else to find me.

Again.....

I think he may have picked up what I was putting down, grammatical errors and all (My inner spelling bee champ still cringes at that).  On the other hand, when my mind has settled on something, my hints are about as subtle as an atomic bomb.  When there is someone on the planet who finds you in your lone puzzle piece type weirdness that has all the same awesomeness and hinting that they may even have the same weirdness that you have and they're sort of amazing and weirdly patient with you and all your freaking out in a Kung Fu Panda Master Shifu sort of way it makes you freak out even more because holy crap where did they in the Freaky Frickin' Friday did they come from!

Anyways, if you'd like to know more come to the dark side.  I bake excellent cookies :)

Feelings, They're All Over Me Get Them Off!

So many things to catch you up to speed on....

I made my blog private and only visible to other blog authors for a bit.  I felt it was necessary for my safety.  Being grilled hourly over something I said by someone who shouldn't be grilling me about what's going on in my life is kind of worrisome.

I got a new car.  Well, new to me anyway.  An 05 Chevy Equinox.  Her name is Mavis, and she is very nice.  I got a fantastic deal and she came with a date.

Long story short, the salesman gave me his personal # on the back of the company card.  The next day I sent him a text thanking him for his help and just verifying that I really enjoy the car.  We went out to dinner.  Then this past Sunday we went out for a drink and then to the movies.  Not just any movie, the new Star Wars movie!  I geeked out so hard that he said he had a better time watching me than he did watching the movie :)  I may have fan girl squealed a couple of times, but it was such an out of body experience I can't say for sure.  I am so excited to see it again that I actually made plans with another friend to go see it this coming week, and he took his son to see it already too.  What can I say?  I like to surround myself with freaks.

So, on my way home, I get a call from the ex.  He asks how the movie was.  I start talking about it and then he interrupts.  Asks me who I went with.  I lied.  While I don't care that he knows if I'm dating again, I'm getting pretty worried.  He pulled into my driveway behind me, because he was waiting outside of the theatre, taking pictures of me and my date;  like a stalkerific nutcase.  Not a fan.  My relationship with him is an entire different post.

Oh, and for my weekly alcohol evaluation:  Coney Island Hard Orange Cream Ale is amazing.  Due to my childhood love of creamsicles my friend bought them for me knowing this, and it was love at first sip.  They go down much smoother than anything that should be legal.  I may have to get more tomorrow, but I have plans and I'm worried that I won't be able to keep them if I do because they are truly the new loves of my life.

 Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia is still in the forefront of my mind.  I don't know why.  I am treated as though I am an afterthought 98% of the time.  We were supposed to get together.  Alas, per usual behavior he disappeared.  I went all "Say Anything" on him and sent him a note without proofreading or editing before I could change my mind.  I read it today....it wasn't pretty.  Some of it wasn't nice either.  Loads of spelling and grammatical errors.  Not my best work, but I think I got my point across without being whiny.  Maybe.  It included something about "normal human behavior going against everything that he's telling me" and him being "fucking perfect", if memory serves me correctly...I called his place of business Monday, half to ask him about pants, mostly because I miss him.  And to tell him about the horrible thing I was going through because somehow I thought it would help me feel better. It did exactly what I knew it would.  We both know exactly what that is.  He mentioned that he read it.  I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again and I'm not going to dwell on it.

At least not for more than the total of an hour a day....

I didn't say that. 

Let me be clear that I am not under any kind of delusion that I mean something more to him than what it was.  He sucked me in.  I let him against my better judgement.  He is clearly an expert.  I knew it.  I let him anyway.

Anyways, moving on...

Something else happened that was horrible that I'm not going to blog about.  Not anytime soon anyway.  There will surely be blog posts, just not published ones.  My last post was a vent/writeup relating to it.  My past wasn't pretty.  I want it to stay there, but just like every other bad thing in the Universe, it won't die completely and must be dealt with accordingly.  And that is what I plan on doing exactly. 

I got my pictures from the shoot that I did last week.  I edited them and posted some on my fet profile.  When I upload new pics I like to leave them open for a day or two.  I got a new contact for possibly doing another shoot, that was nice.  And then there's always the jackass who has to ruin it for everyone and say something that causes me to make them friends only again...like the time that some guy that I recognized from that site but never spoke to sitting on the couch across from me at work and staring at me until I made one of the security guards come talk to me just so I wasn't alone with him in the lobby with nobody else around pretending to be busy.  Yeah, that happened about a month ago.

I think I want to see Mr. Car Salesman again.  He seems nice enough.  Maybe more friend material than anything else, but that could also just be self-preservation talking.  I haven't even felt a desire to kiss him.  That's weird for me.  And he's cute.  I should be totally gaga for him and I'm being a Fucktard and I know it.  To be completely honest for a moment, just one, I'm still really missing Mr. IOWTFL.  I fell.  Hard.  I don't know what to do.  I'm just going to live my life the way that I want to and he knows where to find me.  I can't drop my pride and dignity and chase after a grown ass man who clearly doesn't want to make sense.

That's all I can say.  None of it makes sense. 

Well goodnight.  I'm half in the bag and mad for someone who doesn't want me around and avoiding other ones who do.  I must attempt sleep. Although I have learned this past week just how long I can go without sleep before I am a weeping five year old again, I don't desire to feel that way again.

Night all!!

The Broken One

 Blank page.

Filled with so much emotion that all I can do is stare.

Nothing coming from the brain to the fingertips to let any of it out.

Befuddled.

Once it stopped flowing out physically, mentally you're shut down.

Ten years of recovery, all to have it ripped away with one call.

The day that I knew was coming came.

All the suppressed memories, the anguish, the hatred, loathing.

Some pressed down, some healed over.

Open.  Bleeding.  Crying.

Everyone knows now.

It's not all in my head, though I seem to be the only one who remembers.

I'm not the only one.

Numbed.

I had gotten used to seeing this side of you.

I was the only one you showed it to.

It's nothing new.

If there was ever a time that I didn't mind playing the villain.

This.

The one who is most broken holds everything together the best.

I wash my hands of it all.

I read once that most of us are simply getting over bad emotional habits established within the first ten years of our lives and that is why we suck at relationships so badly.  I don't know about you, but I concur.

Ignited

Blueberry vodka and iced coffee.  It's like they were made for each other.  I thought my friend was nuts when she went to D&D and got blueberry flavoring in her coffee every morning.  I tried it because I felt like I needed something to calm the nerves.

I said that I needed a minute and I ended up taking two weeks.  I'm still not ready to go there.  I'm still doing the autopsy report.  All I can say is that there is nothing worse than thinking that you have a chance and not seeing all the signs screaming at you that you don't.

Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia and I had a chat.  I think we understand each other a little better now. 

Patience and time.  Thanks George H!  I'd high five you, but since you're dead and all...

I felt ignited.  Now I just feel cold and weird and not sure what to say or do.

I am feeling feelings......I had thoughts that I never thought that I would have.  Maybe this is just me being crazy.  Maybe there really is something to it.  All I know is that it can't be good.

*pauses for a moment.  Licks finger and sticks it to the wind....

It's scary and awesome and all kinds of frigged up. 

I like it!

A Vent For The Married

Well, I said give me a minute and I took two weeks....You know you are in a bad place emotionally when you hole yourself in your room to hide for a bit and put on the Star Wars trilogy and you're watching Return Of The Jedi and want to break your TV because Leia and Han are too fucking adorable to stand watching.  Also some observations made over the holidays.  And then there was the mistake of watching The Great Gatsby before bed on New Year's....

Dear Married People,

I hate you.  I hate you all.

You already have it.  You have that thing that is everything that I have ever wanted, with all of your sickening Pottery Barn perfection shell on the outside.

You can take it for granted and bitch and complain about all the things that aren't enough.  If you didn't, if you paused just for a second and attempted to be grateful instead, I guarantee that hearing them promise to love you and cherish you no matter what would be the only thing that you could think about.  That you might stay up to watch them sleep at night and be glad that there is someone there that gives a shit that you exist.

Do not expect honesty from your relationships if you can't be honest with yourself and others.  How are you going to expect someone to openly communicate with you when you are entirely unable to do the same?  If you make decisions, you need to have you both in mind when they pertain to your relationship or or things in your life that could affect it.  If you can't understand each other, you need to accept that the other doesn't understand and move forward with finding a common ground instead of just bailing on each other.

Double standards simply won't fly.

Do not expect trust in your relationships if you are sneaking around behind someones back - and not just any person, the person that chose you as the one they are going to spend the rest of their life with.  Grow a pair.  Give a shit about that fact, even just for a second.  You get what you give, and if all you give is untrustworthiness, that is all that you will receive.  Frankly, it's the only thing you will deserve.

If you are limiting your world to those with shady morals, do not expect to be genuinely cared for.  Don't give me this crap about how "Some things just aren't planned."  Oh fucking well.  You're a grown ass adult, and if you genuinely value and care for the person that you are in a relationship with, you will have the self-control to resist violating the foundation of it.  You are unfulfilling and will never meet another persons needs if you only use them to meet a small portion of yours.

I am using this post to express my feelings and thoughts and experiences.  If you don't like it, go to where I am not.  I don't believe in absolutes.  Behavior happens.  Bad choices happen.  It doesn't mean that you have to condone them or support them in any way.  I make shitty decisions too, in no way am I saying that I don't.

Doing things in half measures is bullshit.  Accepting them from people who are treating you like that's all you deserve is even more.

You get what you put into a relationship.  It baffles me that you folks are all surprised by that.

Appreciate what you have or get divorced allfuckingready.  There are single people out there waiting to be loved.  There is no single thing worse than hoping that you have a chance and not seeing all the signs screaming at you that you don't.

And because this;