Existential Crisis

I don't know if that's what I've been experiencing lately, but it feels like it.

I have managed to spend almost every waking moment of this day questioning every decision I've made over the past 7 months. 

I almost don't feel like my life at this point has any direction.

When you get frustrated with someone you just want to scream in their face, "What the hell do you want?"

What do I want?

Do I want to date?  No.  I just want the love of my life to randomly show up and tell me that I'm his kind of weirdo and that he loves me and then we'll be together in our weirdness forever.  However, this is the real world, nobody has figured out how to make my idea of a Mr. Perfect Delivery work;  therefore, if I want to find someone to spend forever with, I need to date.  Or hide in my house in my pj's that I will inevitably go to the store in and ignore every sign the Universe throws my way that someone has a thing for me.  Signs, I don't get them.  They don't even go over my head, they just kamikaze themselves into the concrete barrier my brain had set up around itself that "gets" that part of human behavior. 

Do I want to do chores around the house?  No.  I just want the kids to be able to pick up a damn cup once in awhile.  Then my house might not look like a tornado sucked up everything in the house and someone threw a bomb into the funnel.  I'm still working on that one. 

Do I want to work?  Of course!  I love to work.  I love to interact with people of all sorts like my current job allows me to do.  I would also like the freedom to be able to work when I am not feeling like I want to die because my body and it's dumb autoimmune stuff won't cut the crap.  However, being that I am not financially stable enough to be able to do that, work on a schedule that is not my own I must.  I kind of like being able to have consistency and having two weekdays off allows the kids and I to do fun things without every place we go to for fun being a mad house like it would be on the weekend, and during the school year I get some time to myself during the day. 

In other news:

Now for my body's next trick:  memory loss.  Seriously.  I've lost entire conversations that I had an hour before.  I misuse or forget the simplest of words in conversation (I've edited this blog 3x before posting) and get confused by the dumbest things.  My doctor thinks that my last concussion that I didn't tell him about (when I flipped my kayak last year) is something I should have told him about - it's been going on since then.  I've tried to explain it away but I really can't anymore, since it's happening when there isn't an explaination for it.  I'm being referred to a neurologist.  My swalllowing trouble still continues, but tis the story of every EOE sufferer and it comes and goes with my "cycle", as does every other problem my body goes through each month.  Still waiting on hearing from scheduling for my next EGD.  Man, I really won the "Rare Autoimmune Disorder" lottery, not.  I'd like to know what contest in Hell I won, because I'd like to go back to when that was and make sure that I lose instead.

My son had a fantastic time at camp.  Everything that he left with came back in one piece.  Except for him, he grew another 2 inches while he was away and can now reach stuff on the top shelf at the grocery store and get his own cup in the kitchen.  My heart cries a little every time I witness it. 

The car exhaust is fixed, and now has a strange thing going on with the front end that I can't explain, being a girl with little car repair experience.  Something isn't connected to something that it's supposed to be, or is ready to go.  Or at least it feels that way.  Could just be air in the tires.  My luck tells me something else. 

Daughters, children for that matter, but this time specifically my daughter, are for raising, not understanding.  For example, the grocery list my daughter sent me via text when I went shopping this morning.  I asked her what she wanted.  She responded, and I quote:  "Oreo ice cream, brussel sprouts, ham, cheddar cheese, potato chips and maple syrup."  I am quickly learning not to ask questions.  She is most definitely my child.