Isn't Hell Supposed To Be For Horrible People?

Who knew that the dating world was going to change me from this totally empowered, awesome single mom who has her crap together into this insecure headcase? 

Because I sure as hell didn't.

I didn't know that everyone is looking for an adventure.  Something exciting and new.  **Insert sarcastic eye roll here**  Almost every guy worth looking at has a picture of himself on top of a mountain and I'm over here like, "Let's do Netflix and ice cream on the couch." 

And don't get me wrong, I am all for adventure.  Just not heights.  I love fishing, the outdoors, hiking, camping and all that entails.  Random car rides that lead to anywhere and create days worth of inside jokes are perfect.  As a friend once said, "I'm looking for the Diego to my Dora".  Only way less annoying, but she's right.  Nature and I are like frenemies.  Being the master at accidental self-injury that I am, it would be wonderful to have someone around to at least witness my imminent death by flipping my kayak trying to get in it.  Which totally happened last summer, concussion and all.

I'm a small town girl.  I like the city and loud places in small doses.  I could do a quiet day at camp all day.

I love photography, both taking and being in photographs.  I love to share what I do with others.  In no way does it imply by showing you a pinup modeling shoot that I have done that I am crying out for or need your attention - as stated by one of the first guys that I was chatting with.  That actually hurt.  A lot.  "That was a really big assumption for such a small brain, wasn't it?"

To chat with someone, totally get along and feel like you've known each other forever.  Only to have them either disappear without saying a word one day.  I know that I cannot control the actions of another person, and clearly I have no idea what is going on in their lives to make them disappear.  I know that another person's thoughts and feelings about me actually have nothing at all to do with me nor do they reflect who I am as a person.  But that doesn't mean that it feels that way. 

Sometimes we find ourselves desperately trying our best to fine tooth comb who we are in order to make sure that there isn't any sort of deterrent for the next one based on the experiences we had with the previous.  Sometimes we truely don't give a shit and just move on.  Lately I seem to find myself flip flopping somewhere in between.

Here's the thing;  I am full figured, extremely curvy, and love who I am.  I have a very hard time NOT treating someone like I've know them 100 years.  I love Quantum Leap and have 1-12 of 13 of the comic book series.  I love cooking and food and life.  I love my kids and as hard as things get sometimes the one thing that I will never do is give up on our neat little unit that we've become.  I just can't get over the feeling that there's enough wiggle room in there for one more.