I was in a relationship for 7 years. When the breakup initially happened, I was like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Full of life, totally excited to break free from my stranglehold, and face the world head on. And then I started dating again.
It all started when my sister threatened that if I didn't do something to put myself out there soon, she was going to create a dating profile on a random site for me. See, my ENTIRE family seems to have this odd fear that I'm never going to settle down and find someone who will marry me. But here's the thing: I want nothing more than to settle down. I want a partner to do all the things that couples in my never ending Rom-Com collection do, complete with Sunday morning banana pancakes and snuggling in bed. I already have the independance, the kids and the career. All I need now is the man who wants to be a part of it all.
But here's the other thing: I hate dating. I am a true believer that the Universe has got it all wrong when it thought that random strangers having some kind of Meet-Cute and getting to know each other was a good idea. Wouldn't it all just be much easier if the one person that was meant for us just showed up at our doorstep? Like a Mr. Perfect delivery. Someone should get on that shit, and fast.
I have set up 2 profiles. One on a popular site that I had some success with in the past and the other a dating app that links with Facebook claiming that it's to avoid fake profiles. That has proven itself to be a crock, as half of the profiles on there are fake names and ages and have the balls to state such. Yes, I have a Snapchat account. No, I don't want to use it to receive pictures of your abs and morning wood. I have chatted with several guys. Some not worth mentioning. Some very memorable but will save for a different time. Two dates so far. The first one was excruciating, in the "We have nothing in common and I have no idea how to talk about computer programming because I'm lucky I can even get mine to turn on" way. The second, very pleasant. Adorable man, very sweet and a profile that embodies everything I want from life. Nevertheless, hope for either of them coming into my grid again is nonexistant. Again, both saved for a different time.
I am currently talking with someone that I like. A lot. And he seems to like me. For the time being, I will refer to him as, "Mr. Chef". I say "seems to", but he's told me. Several times. We have yet to meet in person and would have if I could get over the fact that I might actually be worth getting to know. I can't get over this overwhelming fear of, well, everything. We talk for hours. He always leaves me feeling like I've just left a coffee date with my best friend. Only I think about doing bad things to him.
Mr. 7 Year Itch keeps coming around and calling. I almost don't know what to do with him. He's become the boyfriend I've always wanted from him now that he's not my boyfriend anymore. And there is no hope for us getting back together, so everyone that knows about that situation can sigh relief. I was brainwashed into feeling that he wasn't the type of guy you would leave if you could help it. But, even if it was just always in the back of my mind, I was always made to feel dispensible. Something came to light recently that changed everything that I knew about our time together. That if I had previously entertained a slight glimmer of the vision that I had of our future together, it is now gone. I was so in love with him. And I trusted him so much. And now all I feel when I am near him is disappointment. Frankly, for lack of a better cliche, my kids and I deserve better from someone. I will leave it vaguely at that. For now.
So after the succession of boys that haven't called back or just fizzled out into the interweb, the one that won't go away and the one who leaves me smiling, I sit here with my computer going through the past 7 years worth of photo sessions that I had with Mr. 7 Year Itch, deleting the unimportant or unprofessional ones, editing and dividing them into categories. And then it occured to me. Life is just a bunch of categories that we all file away. Not as if they were unimportant to us, but because it's simply time to move on. And that is exactly what I intend to do.
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