Where's My Paper Bag?

"The two gazed back with expressions in which hopelessly smitten erotic obsession could not really be ruled out..." (Pynchon)

Holy Moly....

All the things I have never thought, experienced or felt.  Or never thought that I ever would.  It's almost like before then, I never knew what it felt like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason.  And now  I can't stop.

Saturday was wonderful.

That one thing that you've been looking for your entire life and didn't even know it.  Until they called to make sure you made it home ok.  Like a perfect gentleman.  That you've never experienced before. 

I might be freaking out.  A little.  Maybe.

And yes, thank you to my sister. For if it wasn't for her kick in the butt, I would still be sitting on my couch watching Netflix with my dogs. I would be smiling, but not for the same reasons that I am now.

There's a song that I came across the other day.  Begin Again by Taylor Swift.  I actually like some of her music.  There were a few lines in it that really struck a chord in me:

"And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did.
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again"

Frankly it makes me bawl like a baby.  Fetal position and all. 

It is so frustrating to feel like you repeatedly tried to give your everything to this big, black hole who just kept reguritating it right back at you until you're ready to walk away only for them to suck it out of you. 

I put so much of myself away to avoid.  What, I can't put my finger on.  All the avoiding relationships like they'd put me into anaphylactic shock if I came close to having one. All of the feelings of unworthiness. And for what?  Fear?  Confrontation?  Disapproving looks?  Being made to feel ashamed to be who I am?  Avoiding conflict at all costs, never feeling like I'm enough but begging for approval anyway.  Maybe it's just the stubborn Irish in me that can't make a single right decision until I've made all the wrong ones.  Wishing things were different aren't going to make them different.

"Well you can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one gets filled first".

I don't want to go into too many details just yet. There's too much to feel out and too soon to say. All I can say is that I am a firm believer that everyone has a path. It might be winding up and down and sideways. You might have to backtrack a little just to make sure you're on the right one or that decisions you made sucked just as much the second time. But it all leads to exactly where you're supposed to be in the end.