My Real Christmas List

 Random reflection:  When it comes to relationships, we're always taught that abuse is wrong and that we should never tolerate it.  For some reason, the examples always seem to show only romantic relationships. What happens when we are in a toxic friendship?

If there's any one thing that I can be most proud of myself as a person, it is that while I have absolutely zero trouble burning bridges while I am standing on it when it's necessary, I have not knowingly made a person regret being good to me.  I cannot say that same about most people that are in my life, past and current.

I am very much the same person to your face as I am to your back.  I do not have time to gossip or be petty and I won't make time for it.  

Anyways, onto the point that has fallen out of the lottery ball pit that is my head.

I don't ask for a lot from anyone.  Maybe that's why all my past relationships have failed.  I have always worried about what everyone has wanted, and I never focused on what I needed to be happy. I mean, one year I lied and told the local library that my aunt was my child so I could get her a library card. When she was little, a few years before I was born, our family experienced a tragedy and had to up and leave town immediately, so her sister didn't return a library book the previous summer and the librarian wouldn't let her get a library card because of it, and for 45 years, her heart was broken, and I wanted to make it better by any means necessary.  

Because that's just who I am.  But that is also what Christmas Magic is all about.  When in reality, it's the way that people should be caring about each other every single day, but I digress because, my penchant for a good rant.

When I was pregnant with my son, I worked at a restaurant chain in Ellsworth that isn't there anymore.  On Route 1 from Bucksport to Ellsworth, there is what used to be a flea market that is now abandoned, or the landowner isn't doing anything with it at this time.  On top of the old sign, is a horse.  For some unexplainable reason, I need it.  I have needed it for 20 years.  Do I have any idea what I would do with such a thing once it is in my possession?  Absolutely not. Am I going to find out who the landowner is and explain my strange covet over this object and the fact that the Universe has spoken, and I need it?  Also no. Can I explain why?  Absolutely not.

However, I need someone in my life, who is determined to be a permanent fixture who will see the inner workings of my mind and doesn't run or malfunction, who understands me enough to get it.  Someone who doesn't judge me and maybe, just maybe, gets me the thing. No matter how stupid it might seem to them. And yes, I understand I get can get the majority of things myself, but that isn't the point that my shriveled-up Grinch heart is trying to make. I am truly convinced that true love is deader than Jimmy Hoffa, and I need someone to prove me wrong. Just. One. Fucking. Time.

So far those unexplainably coveted things would be:

That horse on top of the random sign on Route 1.

#13 of the Quantum Leap comic book series, I already have 1-12, of 13.

The entire DVD series of Dr. Who but understands why I only want to watch the seasons with Matt Smith in them.  #amyandroryforever

Amazing sex, every day.

Space, literally and figuratively.

Looks at me like I am magic even when I am obviously a bog witch.

Someone who will help me hang my great grandfather's sign.

Someone who will produce a lighter when I get a look on my face that signifies that we need to sage a place.

Lets me watch TV with the subtitles and understands that it helps me hear better.

A room covered in star and planet stickers.

Someone who can translate if my day calls for booze or ice cream and hands them over as needed.

A blanket fort, but only with a mattress on the floor of it, because we're fucking old, and floors hurt us.  Or maybe just a blanket fort over the bed, much less work and mess to clean up.

Someone who understands that reading puts me to sleep, and I have this undying want to read The Hobbit and The Chronicles of Narnia, so they read it to me instead. 

Someone to sit my ass down and watch the Lord of the Rings series with me, because I'm worried it has The Last Unicorn and NeverEnding Story vibes and well, childhood trauma. And to rewatch those other ones with me too.

To be just as stubborn as me, but also whose love language is communication and acts of service just like mine.

Someone to prove me wrong about love.

Someone who understand that the look on my face translates into the need to watch Star Wars, Star Trek, or a serial killer documentary.

Someone who loves to make the bed because while I absolutely love and want to crawl into a made bed every day, it is completely unrealistic to accomplish something like this myself when I usually have 10 minutes to haul ass out the door and make it to work on time.  Preferably after we have the amazing sex listed above.

A date where we lay on the ground in a field magically not covered in bugs and watch the sky.

A trip to a planetarium. 

A date to crack a geode at a rock shop.

Walk around an antique flea market and get to see every inch of it.  This will require me to be either dehydrated, or if they really loved me, they would call ahead to make sure they have a bathroom, because childbirth.

All of the above, but where they would just get it that I might be so excited I would cry. But also, the kind of person who understands why I feel like these things are the most important ones of all; or maybe that they don't need to understand, but that for one time in my entire life, I actually mean enough to them to give me these things.

Ode To The New Guy

 I just about lost my wits

When you started talking in front of the children about tits

You talked to my child about drugs

And then asked if he's sharing his nugs

My dear friend has lost her brain

Losing my shit in your general direction, I did refrain

Your grave I did mentally dig

While you were acting in my house like a mansplaining pig

My favorite was when you likened eating sugar to smoking crack

Listening to your drunken banter was the straw on the camel's back

My favorite rock you told us, as if you knew, that it was volcanic

It was actually sedimentary, your bullshit was tragic

When you disrespectfully came back in my house with an open beer

I should have kicked you out on your rear

I draw the line at bossing me around in my house

I should have sprayed you like a louse

You didn't wash your hands when you peed

She thinks she's landed quite a steed

I'd like to pack you in a box

And send you off to the Land of Lost Socks

Dude, your vibe is absolutely atrocious

And yet, my friend simply sees you as precocious

As harrowing as this evening was

I for sure cannot handle you, even if I had a buzz

No sir, not at all

Was your presence a ball

I do not like you here nor there

I do not like you anywhere

The smell of ashtray and beer just about caused emesis

You do not want me for a nemesis

But keeping my mouth shut I shan't

Because harm coming to her and the children, it can't

It's evident that you're a leach

Yet she's convinced you're a peach

The bad energy I did gather

Being near you again, I would not rather

No sir, not at all

I do not like you, big or small

Please excuse yourself out of her life

Stop causing all of this strife

She's stuck on you like white on rice

Her brain isn't working to think twice

There is a calm in sticking to what you know

And this is why you have to go

On Dating 3

There just comes a time where you have to accept the fact that you've been through enough and protect your peace at all costs.

I have genuinely given up on dating and the idea of.  I have deleted all profiles on all apps.  I have only one on Hinge, that I never use, but for some reason I intermittently feel like throwing myself into the fuckboy filled trust fall that is the proverbial "out there".  There is that ever-dreaded question of "What are you looking for?"  I mean, who is ever going to completely align with that? And what person asks that before even meeting or getting to know another person to know what they might want from directly that person. It's basically become code for "say you're a douchebag without actually telling me you're a douchebag".  I mean come on, maybe from Larry I just want a night of the best sex that I've had in year (10 months, but who the fuck is counting).  But maybe from Sir Tall, Quiet, and Makes My Brain Shut Off Just Existing that I've had a secret crush on since junior year geometry I want to Netflix and chill every night for the remainder of my life, and not once have I had the balls to tell him that.

I guess the best way that I can put it, is that I would like to not die alone.  I mean come on, at least one person needs to be sad at my funeral. All of the relationships in my life until now have been entirely about what everyone else needs.  I've been single for several years and have been focusing on my life and doing what's best for me.  For me, a partner is a nice to have, but definitely not so necessary that I would do anything to have one and anyone who has followed me on this rollercoaster knows that hasn't always been the case.

I know that I have trouble letting people in. But I am an awesome friend. Although I have had to cut off a couple of friendships that I am currently still trying to sift through the rubble of.  I miss them terribly, but I simply couldn't go on being treated like I was and of course everything was status quo until I spoke up and said no more.  I do have a tendency to keep things inside until I can't anymore because I am so afraid of being rejected, which I find odd because under the right circumstances I also have a compulsion to burn bridges while I am standing on them. 

Everyone just seems so driven to be something they aren't. I just want to meet one person who is who they say they are all the time. Pinterest what? Fuck that shit, give me an antique store that hasn't been dusted in twenty years. I like geeky things - Star Wars, Star Trek, I have numbers 1-12 of 13 of the Quantum Leap comic books I'm pretty proud of.  I was that girl who would rather walk around in the woods rock hunting and building rockets or fishing with my dad as a kid.  I prefer to spend a day being quiet outside or in a dive bar than some loud concert or pretentious restaurant any day. 

I don't have to spend every waking moment of my day worrying about what someone else is doing. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm being lied to. I get to spend my days doing what I want without having to worry constantly about what someone else is feeling, and I don't see why I would need to be in a rush to compromise that. I am certain that once you feel the exhilaration that is feeling nothing in the general direction of someone who once had you like Pinocchio, you would also go out of your way to never allow another person to have that control ever again.  

It's totally not a trauma response.  I'm fine. God I need to get laid.

In comparison to the relationships of others that I have observed, I wouldn't say that they've all been a shit show, but even the best of critics watching the highlight reel that is my attempt at love would say it was definitely along the lines of a friendly clusterfuck.

I have better things to do.

My Wrestler

 I can't stop thinking about you.

Feeling you.

Your hands.

Your eyes.

Your breath.

Mixed with mine.

Your nervousness.

Your lips.

On mine.

That warm summer night.

This control you have over me.

Primordial.

Longing.

Needing.

Your hands on my body.

Come back to Maine, J.

Please.

I need you.

Just one more time.

Forever.