On Dating 3

There just comes a time where you have to accept the fact that you've been through enough and protect your peace at all costs.

I have genuinely given up on dating and the idea of.  I have deleted all profiles on all apps.  I have only one on Hinge, that I never use, but for some reason I intermittently feel like throwing myself into the fuckboy filled trust fall that is the proverbial "out there".  There is that ever-dreaded question of "What are you looking for?"  I mean, who is ever going to completely align with that? And what person asks that before even meeting or getting to know another person to know what they might want from directly that person. It's basically become code for "say you're a douchebag without actually telling me you're a douchebag".  I mean come on, maybe from Larry I just want a night of the best sex that I've had in year (10 months, but who the fuck is counting).  But maybe from Sir Tall, Quiet, and Makes My Brain Shut Off Just Existing that I've had a secret crush on since junior year geometry I want to Netflix and chill every night for the remainder of my life, and not once have I had the balls to tell him that.

I guess the best way that I can put it, is that I would like to not die alone.  I mean come on, at least one person needs to be sad at my funeral. All of the relationships in my life until now have been entirely about what everyone else needs.  I've been single for several years and have been focusing on my life and doing what's best for me.  For me, a partner is a nice to have, but definitely not so necessary that I would do anything to have one and anyone who has followed me on this rollercoaster knows that hasn't always been the case.

I know that I have trouble letting people in. But I am an awesome friend. Although I have had to cut off a couple of friendships that I am currently still trying to sift through the rubble of.  I miss them terribly, but I simply couldn't go on being treated like I was and of course everything was status quo until I spoke up and said no more.  I do have a tendency to keep things inside until I can't anymore because I am so afraid of being rejected, which I find odd because under the right circumstances I also have a compulsion to burn bridges while I am standing on them. 

Everyone just seems so driven to be something they aren't. I just want to meet one person who is who they say they are all the time. Pinterest what? Fuck that shit, give me an antique store that hasn't been dusted in twenty years. I like geeky things - Star Wars, Star Trek, I have numbers 1-12 of 13 of the Quantum Leap comic books I'm pretty proud of.  I was that girl who would rather walk around in the woods rock hunting and building rockets or fishing with my dad as a kid.  I prefer to spend a day being quiet outside or in a dive bar than some loud concert or pretentious restaurant any day. 

I don't have to spend every waking moment of my day worrying about what someone else is doing. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm being lied to. I get to spend my days doing what I want without having to worry constantly about what someone else is feeling, and I don't see why I would need to be in a rush to compromise that. I am certain that once you feel the exhilaration that is feeling nothing in the general direction of someone who once had you like Pinocchio, you would also go out of your way to never allow another person to have that control ever again.  

It's totally not a trauma response.  I'm fine. God I need to get laid.

In comparison to the relationships of others that I have observed, I wouldn't say that they've all been a shit show, but even the best of critics watching the highlight reel that is my attempt at love would say it was definitely along the lines of a friendly clusterfuck.

I have better things to do.