My Real Christmas List

 Random reflection:  When it comes to relationships, we're always taught that abuse is wrong and that we should never tolerate it.  For some reason, the examples always seem to show only romantic relationships. What happens when we are in a toxic friendship?

If there's any one thing that I can be most proud of myself as a person, it is that while I have absolutely zero trouble burning bridges while I am standing on it when it's necessary, I have not knowingly made a person regret being good to me.  I cannot say that same about most people that are in my life, past and current.

I am very much the same person to your face as I am to your back.  I do not have time to gossip or be petty and I won't make time for it.  

Anyways, onto the point that has fallen out of the lottery ball pit that is my head.

I don't ask for a lot from anyone.  Maybe that's why all my past relationships have failed.  I have always worried about what everyone has wanted, and I never focused on what I needed to be happy. I mean, one year I lied and told the local library that my aunt was my child so I could get her a library card. When she was little, a few years before I was born, our family experienced a tragedy and had to up and leave town immediately, so her sister didn't return a library book the previous summer and the librarian wouldn't let her get a library card because of it, and for 45 years, her heart was broken, and I wanted to make it better by any means necessary.  

Because that's just who I am.  But that is also what Christmas Magic is all about.  When in reality, it's the way that people should be caring about each other every single day, but I digress because, my penchant for a good rant.

When I was pregnant with my son, I worked at a restaurant chain in Ellsworth that isn't there anymore.  On Route 1 from Bucksport to Ellsworth, there is what used to be a flea market that is now abandoned, or the landowner isn't doing anything with it at this time.  On top of the old sign, is a horse.  For some unexplainable reason, I need it.  I have needed it for 20 years.  Do I have any idea what I would do with such a thing once it is in my possession?  Absolutely not. Am I going to find out who the landowner is and explain my strange covet over this object and the fact that the Universe has spoken, and I need it?  Also no. Can I explain why?  Absolutely not.

However, I need someone in my life, who is determined to be a permanent fixture who will see the inner workings of my mind and doesn't run or malfunction, who understands me enough to get it.  Someone who doesn't judge me and maybe, just maybe, gets me the thing. No matter how stupid it might seem to them. And yes, I understand I get can get the majority of things myself, but that isn't the point that my shriveled-up Grinch heart is trying to make. I am truly convinced that true love is deader than Jimmy Hoffa, and I need someone to prove me wrong. Just. One. Fucking. Time.

So far those unexplainably coveted things would be:

That horse on top of the random sign on Route 1.

#13 of the Quantum Leap comic book series, I already have 1-12, of 13.

The entire DVD series of Dr. Who but understands why I only want to watch the seasons with Matt Smith in them.  #amyandroryforever

Amazing sex, every day.

Space, literally and figuratively.

Looks at me like I am magic even when I am obviously a bog witch.

Someone who will help me hang my great grandfather's sign.

Someone who will produce a lighter when I get a look on my face that signifies that we need to sage a place.

Lets me watch TV with the subtitles and understands that it helps me hear better.

A room covered in star and planet stickers.

Someone who can translate if my day calls for booze or ice cream and hands them over as needed.

A blanket fort, but only with a mattress on the floor of it, because we're fucking old, and floors hurt us.  Or maybe just a blanket fort over the bed, much less work and mess to clean up.

Someone who understands that reading puts me to sleep, and I have this undying want to read The Hobbit and The Chronicles of Narnia, so they read it to me instead. 

Someone to sit my ass down and watch the Lord of the Rings series with me, because I'm worried it has The Last Unicorn and NeverEnding Story vibes and well, childhood trauma. And to rewatch those other ones with me too.

To be just as stubborn as me, but also whose love language is communication and acts of service just like mine.

Someone to prove me wrong about love.

Someone who understand that the look on my face translates into the need to watch Star Wars, Star Trek, or a serial killer documentary.

Someone who loves to make the bed because while I absolutely love and want to crawl into a made bed every day, it is completely unrealistic to accomplish something like this myself when I usually have 10 minutes to haul ass out the door and make it to work on time.  Preferably after we have the amazing sex listed above.

A date where we lay on the ground in a field magically not covered in bugs and watch the sky.

A trip to a planetarium. 

A date to crack a geode at a rock shop.

Walk around an antique flea market and get to see every inch of it.  This will require me to be either dehydrated, or if they really loved me, they would call ahead to make sure they have a bathroom, because childbirth.

All of the above, but where they would just get it that I might be so excited I would cry. But also, the kind of person who understands why I feel like these things are the most important ones of all; or maybe that they don't need to understand, but that for one time in my entire life, I actually mean enough to them to give me these things.