Not Me

I know I should save my tears for someone who will catch them
As I try to ignore the memory of the way your scent makes my chest ache.
You're not in love with me.
You run around stealing hearts and confusing brains
Because it's so much easier to break another than it is to fix yourself.
And this is why my door for you is now closed.

If you truly believed that we had no potential of something special
It is either the most magnificent of lies,
Or heartbreaking of truths.
If this were a month ago,
I would have leapt off the edge of the earth waiting for you to catch me
If that's what it took to feel your touch one last time.

But I was never the reason you're dancing on rainbows
And sleeping with no rain clouds above your head.
My smiles didn't send butterflies to your stomach.
You gave your affection like the weather.
"It's cloudy and boring today;  I will give you what you need of me".
But on the sunniest of days,
There were too many other shiny,
Pretty things to give your attentions to.
I'm just an option,
Everyone else on the planet is the priority.
Funny how you remember my existence when they forget about you.

I loved you in pieces because that is all you ever gave me.
As if saying to yourself;
She's a good one but I don't want her right now
But I still don't want anyone else to have her
Because I know I'll want her eventually.
But I know how to insult the crap out of her intelligence
And it's really fun to watch her lose her shit over why I don't call;
So I'm just going to play with her emotions,
Mind fucking her into believing that she might actually mean something to me
And make empty promises so she doesn't leave.
I filled the spaces between with everything that I hoped you were.

My voice didn't make your knees tremble
And your heart sink to the deepest part of your soul at the thought of my sadness.
You may have made my heart sing,
But you can't even write a single line about how my eyes sparkle every time I looked at you.
You don't see me when you close your eyes.

I thought I loved you,
but it was only the guise of you.
And your performance is Oscar worthy.
I'm still clapping for the wonderful show you put on for me!
This is why I loved you the most;
And this is also why I hated you the most.
And why my wound where I've been cut the deepest won't heal.
But miss you?
Oh no.
I can't miss what didn't exist in the first place.

The message getting lost in translation from brain to heart is always the same:
I deserve someone who doesn't make me feel stupid for being loyal to them.
Darling,
You're not in love with me,
So do me a favor and let me be free of you.
Or do better,
And actually be what I needed.