Crawly Things

So everyone who knows me well knows that I don't mind spiders and other creepy crawlies as long as they don't touch me.

So when this morning,
Mr. Spider decided to drop down near my head in the car in the middle of the road,
this free to be you and me spirit kept calm.

He even climbed up to the windowsill where I breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't need to kill a living creature because I figured he flew out.

And then, I felt something on my arm....

I am now a murderer.

You

I painstakingly assemble my thoughts,
I over inhale;
And then I look at you, 

Looking at me.

Every time, you render me speechless.
I can feel the overwhelming cosmic pull from the back corner of your mind
As if you have a dark passenger holding the reins on my soul.
You rip every word from my mouth,

Leaving me a useless vacuum void of sound.

I wish I could tell you how the way you told me 
That I looked timeless made me feel.
I am the lucky one to have such an admirer.
There aren't words to convince you of all that you are to me.
I've been yearning to heal and release the ugliness 
That relentlessly sears every corner of my mind.
I have spent all this time a raging sea inside of a raindrop;
My demons lashing out.
You've begun to help ease the stinging.
Trickling drops of hope that I might be a human worth knowing after all.

You have given me the greatest gift.

You've become my calm and clarity in a storm of all the things 
That were meant to make me unravel.
I apologize for the things that make me difficult.
I thought maybe you'd run from the uneasiness that makes me.
You don't realize what you've done;  accepting me.
Showing me a world where past mistakes 
And present flaws make perfect sense.
Giving me a spot to rest my racing mind and revive my defeated heart.

But I couldn't speak,
So I squeezed your hand a little harder.
You smiled slightly and moved your legs a little closer
And although I can't be sure,

I think maybe you heard me just the same.

Not Me

I know I should save my tears for someone who will catch them
As I try to ignore the memory of the way your scent makes my chest ache.
You're not in love with me.
You run around stealing hearts and confusing brains
Because it's so much easier to break another than it is to fix yourself.
And this is why my door for you is now closed.

If you truly believed that we had no potential of something special
It is either the most magnificent of lies,
Or heartbreaking of truths.
If this were a month ago,
I would have leapt off the edge of the earth waiting for you to catch me
If that's what it took to feel your touch one last time.

But I was never the reason you're dancing on rainbows
And sleeping with no rain clouds above your head.
My smiles didn't send butterflies to your stomach.
You gave your affection like the weather.
"It's cloudy and boring today;  I will give you what you need of me".
But on the sunniest of days,
There were too many other shiny,
Pretty things to give your attentions to.
I'm just an option,
Everyone else on the planet is the priority.
Funny how you remember my existence when they forget about you.

I loved you in pieces because that is all you ever gave me.
As if saying to yourself;
She's a good one but I don't want her right now
But I still don't want anyone else to have her
Because I know I'll want her eventually.
But I know how to insult the crap out of her intelligence
And it's really fun to watch her lose her shit over why I don't call;
So I'm just going to play with her emotions,
Mind fucking her into believing that she might actually mean something to me
And make empty promises so she doesn't leave.
I filled the spaces between with everything that I hoped you were.

My voice didn't make your knees tremble
And your heart sink to the deepest part of your soul at the thought of my sadness.
You may have made my heart sing,
But you can't even write a single line about how my eyes sparkle every time I looked at you.
You don't see me when you close your eyes.

I thought I loved you,
but it was only the guise of you.
And your performance is Oscar worthy.
I'm still clapping for the wonderful show you put on for me!
This is why I loved you the most;
And this is also why I hated you the most.
And why my wound where I've been cut the deepest won't heal.
But miss you?
Oh no.
I can't miss what didn't exist in the first place.

The message getting lost in translation from brain to heart is always the same:
I deserve someone who doesn't make me feel stupid for being loyal to them.
Darling,
You're not in love with me,
So do me a favor and let me be free of you.
Or do better,
And actually be what I needed.

Liar

You fuck with my head 
so beautifully that I orgasm 

while I pray to make it stop. 

Your secrets are shadier 
than a summer eclipse but

this chemical control you have over me 

has become deeper than the ocean
invading the spaces nobody else dares to go

and after all this time of knowing that, 
still my soul follows the light in your eyes 

 straight for your chest with false hopes of solace; 

Forgetting that there's nothing but dark.

-Cynicallovebird

Sinatra

Photo credit:  my son.  Taken last evening after getting home from assisting my friend's dog to pass on, only to have the bugger pop up like nothing was ever wrong with him as if to say "Just kidding".  Decompressing with a glass of wine and classic Sinatra.  And for me, "decompressing" is usually comprised of questioning every life choice ever made.  I'm too contemplative for my own good, most of the time.  My hands feel like they're on fire when I have something to say.  Thank Gods for keyboards.

She didn't know how to love subtly.

She felt it in her bones the way 

that some experience an earthquake; 
even when it was against her will.

Like Frank always said,

"All or nothing at all."

And it was sung right to her soul.
So with a sigh and a swig, 
   she decided that she was worth loving more       than the other man with blue eyes.

-Cynicallovebird