Fate? Inertia? Bueller?

"It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed:  it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope.  But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical will live the relation to another as something alive."

Rainer Maria Rilke

In an effort to deal with recent events, I am not going to talk about it to those who are not directly involved.  I will say however, that sometimes once you think you have found the entirety of ones crazy, there can be an entire underground garage complete with sub levels.  It will shake you to your core, but it will also prove what you're made of by how you deal with it.  Instead of letting it ruin me, I'm going to just move on.

I haven't been blogging on here a lot because I started writing on another blog that covers a different facet of my life.  I'm actually quite excited about it, but I'm not going to post it on here because I prefer to keep it separate.  I know some who read this one would have a heart attack if I said half of the stuff that goes on behind closed doors in my world.

Over the past year, I took a huge leap of faith and decided that I was going to do what it takes to be happy rather then continually doing an autopsy report on something that was already decayed beyond recognition.  There is nothing that you can ever do to take back something that happened, words that were said.  Most of the time it's not even worth it to wish you could.  The energy is best used on what deserves it, and nobody deserves my attention more than I do.

There's a French proverb I came across the other day that says: "You often meet your fate on the road you've taken to avoid it."  I guess being on a dating site looking for anything but love it was bound to happen.

Just like any relationship that is going to be worth it and last, it has to take patience and time.  I know who I am and what I want now more than I ever have.  I have never been a patient person.  I've always been in the position to need to be the one who takes charge and forges ahead to get things done.  There's only one image in my head that comes to mind when I think of what happened to me when I saw the person that I was, and still am, willing to be patient for:

Fate has a funny way of coming around.  It's like a tiny, unpopular restaurant filled with weird little waitresses with shitty attitudes who bring you things you never asked for and end up loving anyway.

In the event that they're reading this:  I'm sorry.  I miss you.  And if I really did say what you said I did, then I mean it more now than I ever have - considering the fact that when you told me that I said that I was a little dumbfounded because I don't think those are words that I would ever mumble let alone type into a message.  

Heeere Kitty Kitty

I know someone who thinks that they are invincible.  This person thinks that it's ok to steal someones photos (not mine) and use them to pretend to be someone else online and fuck with people.  That it would make me so distraught that I would run back to him and we would run off to the sunset together after a few apologies. 

Catfishing is illegal.  Wrongfully pretending to be someone else just to hurt a person is simply disgusting.  Taking advantage of someone who clearly was in no position to be able to consent to what you were doing to them and woke up with no recollection or idea what you did to them because they were so under the influence while you were completely sober is a sex crime.  I hate to break it to you, but being batshit crazy doesn't count as being under the influence.  Driving two hours to take pictures of me on a date outside of the theatre just because I didn't tell you who I was going with because it was none of your damn business is stalking.  Falsifying information and making a person trust you with their naked body as a photographer is a sex crime.  I could go on forever.

I have been violated to my core by you and I am not going to allow it anymore. 

A protection order is the least of your worries right now dickhead.  You belong in jail.  That is all I can say about it, both because I simply hate having the energy out there and because I'm in the middle of pursuing legal action.  I don't know what path this will take, but I sure as Hell am not going to sit back and take it.

If You're Happy And You Know It....

....freak the fuck out and do everything you possibly can to sabotage it quick before your heart explodes!

**No rainbows, glitter, puppies, kitties or unicorns were harmed in the creation of this blog post, however you may want to after you are done reading it.**

Normally when someone is being perky in my general direction this early before I finish my coffee I get kinda stabby, but not today.  Maybe never again for that matter.  I seriously almost feel the need to apologize for not being my usual snarky, sarcastic, love is bullshit self.

Sorry not sorry, K?  I've kind of sort of learned to meet you half way and compromise, see, learning.

Oh, and I'm also not saying that I still don't believe that love is bullshit, I'm just saying that I'm kind of that H word that I'm not used to...

**Fighting the urge to stop talking before I further incriminate myself**

...It's making me think things, okay?!?  You know, the things that I want but shouldn't think about because I'm not going to have them and I've accepted that already.

"What brings on this very sudden, very weird shift in the Universe J?"

Well folks, I'm glad you asked.  Because I've been struggling to find words for it for about 3 days now and I've been dying to get it out of me.  Like in the Spongebob with a secret sense, for real.  I don't even like Spongebob, but that's the only thing I can think of when I think of a struggle this real at the moment.  I can't remember words, hence why no blogging for me.  I can barely focus long enough to remember pants, let alone the entire English language and how to correctly use a keyboard.

So, in some previous posts, I've mentioned how separated I keep myself from people mostly on purpose without getting into the why.  **Side note:  I don't think I ever will**  How I have this certain side of my brain that I don't let people see, but a certain someone has invaded it like a fucking alien who the Universe sent my way just to screw my shit all up.  All of it.  Or use my important, necessary for functionality organs as a playground.  The jury is still out.

This simply will not stand.  But since I'm feeling so warm and fuzzy and all, maybe I'll just lay down so that it doesn't have to.  This is not the forum in which I am going to use to go into details.  If you are catching my drift then you know where else to find me.

Again.....

I think he may have picked up what I was putting down, grammatical errors and all (My inner spelling bee champ still cringes at that).  On the other hand, when my mind has settled on something, my hints are about as subtle as an atomic bomb.  When there is someone on the planet who finds you in your lone puzzle piece type weirdness that has all the same awesomeness and hinting that they may even have the same weirdness that you have and they're sort of amazing and weirdly patient with you and all your freaking out in a Kung Fu Panda Master Shifu sort of way it makes you freak out even more because holy crap where did they in the Freaky Frickin' Friday did they come from!

Anyways, if you'd like to know more come to the dark side.  I bake excellent cookies :)

Feelings, They're All Over Me Get Them Off!

So many things to catch you up to speed on....

I made my blog private and only visible to other blog authors for a bit.  I felt it was necessary for my safety.  Being grilled hourly over something I said by someone who shouldn't be grilling me about what's going on in my life is kind of worrisome.

I got a new car.  Well, new to me anyway.  An 05 Chevy Equinox.  Her name is Mavis, and she is very nice.  I got a fantastic deal and she came with a date.

Long story short, the salesman gave me his personal # on the back of the company card.  The next day I sent him a text thanking him for his help and just verifying that I really enjoy the car.  We went out to dinner.  Then this past Sunday we went out for a drink and then to the movies.  Not just any movie, the new Star Wars movie!  I geeked out so hard that he said he had a better time watching me than he did watching the movie :)  I may have fan girl squealed a couple of times, but it was such an out of body experience I can't say for sure.  I am so excited to see it again that I actually made plans with another friend to go see it this coming week, and he took his son to see it already too.  What can I say?  I like to surround myself with freaks.

So, on my way home, I get a call from the ex.  He asks how the movie was.  I start talking about it and then he interrupts.  Asks me who I went with.  I lied.  While I don't care that he knows if I'm dating again, I'm getting pretty worried.  He pulled into my driveway behind me, because he was waiting outside of the theatre, taking pictures of me and my date;  like a stalkerific nutcase.  Not a fan.  My relationship with him is an entire different post.

Oh, and for my weekly alcohol evaluation:  Coney Island Hard Orange Cream Ale is amazing.  Due to my childhood love of creamsicles my friend bought them for me knowing this, and it was love at first sip.  They go down much smoother than anything that should be legal.  I may have to get more tomorrow, but I have plans and I'm worried that I won't be able to keep them if I do because they are truly the new loves of my life.

 Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia is still in the forefront of my mind.  I don't know why.  I am treated as though I am an afterthought 98% of the time.  We were supposed to get together.  Alas, per usual behavior he disappeared.  I went all "Say Anything" on him and sent him a note without proofreading or editing before I could change my mind.  I read it today....it wasn't pretty.  Some of it wasn't nice either.  Loads of spelling and grammatical errors.  Not my best work, but I think I got my point across without being whiny.  Maybe.  It included something about "normal human behavior going against everything that he's telling me" and him being "fucking perfect", if memory serves me correctly...I called his place of business Monday, half to ask him about pants, mostly because I miss him.  And to tell him about the horrible thing I was going through because somehow I thought it would help me feel better. It did exactly what I knew it would.  We both know exactly what that is.  He mentioned that he read it.  I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again and I'm not going to dwell on it.

At least not for more than the total of an hour a day....

I didn't say that. 

Let me be clear that I am not under any kind of delusion that I mean something more to him than what it was.  He sucked me in.  I let him against my better judgement.  He is clearly an expert.  I knew it.  I let him anyway.

Anyways, moving on...

Something else happened that was horrible that I'm not going to blog about.  Not anytime soon anyway.  There will surely be blog posts, just not published ones.  My last post was a vent/writeup relating to it.  My past wasn't pretty.  I want it to stay there, but just like every other bad thing in the Universe, it won't die completely and must be dealt with accordingly.  And that is what I plan on doing exactly. 

I got my pictures from the shoot that I did last week.  I edited them and posted some on my fet profile.  When I upload new pics I like to leave them open for a day or two.  I got a new contact for possibly doing another shoot, that was nice.  And then there's always the jackass who has to ruin it for everyone and say something that causes me to make them friends only again...like the time that some guy that I recognized from that site but never spoke to sitting on the couch across from me at work and staring at me until I made one of the security guards come talk to me just so I wasn't alone with him in the lobby with nobody else around pretending to be busy.  Yeah, that happened about a month ago.

I think I want to see Mr. Car Salesman again.  He seems nice enough.  Maybe more friend material than anything else, but that could also just be self-preservation talking.  I haven't even felt a desire to kiss him.  That's weird for me.  And he's cute.  I should be totally gaga for him and I'm being a Fucktard and I know it.  To be completely honest for a moment, just one, I'm still really missing Mr. IOWTFL.  I fell.  Hard.  I don't know what to do.  I'm just going to live my life the way that I want to and he knows where to find me.  I can't drop my pride and dignity and chase after a grown ass man who clearly doesn't want to make sense.

That's all I can say.  None of it makes sense. 

Well goodnight.  I'm half in the bag and mad for someone who doesn't want me around and avoiding other ones who do.  I must attempt sleep. Although I have learned this past week just how long I can go without sleep before I am a weeping five year old again, I don't desire to feel that way again.

Night all!!

The Broken One

 Blank page.

Filled with so much emotion that all I can do is stare.

Nothing coming from the brain to the fingertips to let any of it out.

Befuddled.

Once it stopped flowing out physically, mentally you're shut down.

Ten years of recovery, all to have it ripped away with one call.

The day that I knew was coming came.

All the suppressed memories, the anguish, the hatred, loathing.

Some pressed down, some healed over.

Open.  Bleeding.  Crying.

Everyone knows now.

It's not all in my head, though I seem to be the only one who remembers.

I'm not the only one.

Numbed.

I had gotten used to seeing this side of you.

I was the only one you showed it to.

It's nothing new.

If there was ever a time that I didn't mind playing the villain.

This.

The one who is most broken holds everything together the best.

I wash my hands of it all.

I read once that most of us are simply getting over bad emotional habits established within the first ten years of our lives and that is why we suck at relationships so badly.  I don't know about you, but I concur.

Ignited

Blueberry vodka and iced coffee.  It's like they were made for each other.  I thought my friend was nuts when she went to D&D and got blueberry flavoring in her coffee every morning.  I tried it because I felt like I needed something to calm the nerves.

I said that I needed a minute and I ended up taking two weeks.  I'm still not ready to go there.  I'm still doing the autopsy report.  All I can say is that there is nothing worse than thinking that you have a chance and not seeing all the signs screaming at you that you don't.

Mr. Invader of WhatTheFuck-Landia and I had a chat.  I think we understand each other a little better now. 

Patience and time.  Thanks George H!  I'd high five you, but since you're dead and all...

I felt ignited.  Now I just feel cold and weird and not sure what to say or do.

I am feeling feelings......I had thoughts that I never thought that I would have.  Maybe this is just me being crazy.  Maybe there really is something to it.  All I know is that it can't be good.

*pauses for a moment.  Licks finger and sticks it to the wind....

It's scary and awesome and all kinds of frigged up. 

I like it!

A Vent For The Married

Well, I said give me a minute and I took two weeks....You know you are in a bad place emotionally when you hole yourself in your room to hide for a bit and put on the Star Wars trilogy and you're watching Return Of The Jedi and want to break your TV because Leia and Han are too fucking adorable to stand watching.  Also some observations made over the holidays.  And then there was the mistake of watching The Great Gatsby before bed on New Year's....

Dear Married People,

I hate you.  I hate you all.

You already have it.  You have that thing that is everything that I have ever wanted, with all of your sickening Pottery Barn perfection shell on the outside.

You can take it for granted and bitch and complain about all the things that aren't enough.  If you didn't, if you paused just for a second and attempted to be grateful instead, I guarantee that hearing them promise to love you and cherish you no matter what would be the only thing that you could think about.  That you might stay up to watch them sleep at night and be glad that there is someone there that gives a shit that you exist.

Do not expect honesty from your relationships if you can't be honest with yourself and others.  How are you going to expect someone to openly communicate with you when you are entirely unable to do the same?  If you make decisions, you need to have you both in mind when they pertain to your relationship or or things in your life that could affect it.  If you can't understand each other, you need to accept that the other doesn't understand and move forward with finding a common ground instead of just bailing on each other.

Double standards simply won't fly.

Do not expect trust in your relationships if you are sneaking around behind someones back - and not just any person, the person that chose you as the one they are going to spend the rest of their life with.  Grow a pair.  Give a shit about that fact, even just for a second.  You get what you give, and if all you give is untrustworthiness, that is all that you will receive.  Frankly, it's the only thing you will deserve.

If you are limiting your world to those with shady morals, do not expect to be genuinely cared for.  Don't give me this crap about how "Some things just aren't planned."  Oh fucking well.  You're a grown ass adult, and if you genuinely value and care for the person that you are in a relationship with, you will have the self-control to resist violating the foundation of it.  You are unfulfilling and will never meet another persons needs if you only use them to meet a small portion of yours.

I am using this post to express my feelings and thoughts and experiences.  If you don't like it, go to where I am not.  I don't believe in absolutes.  Behavior happens.  Bad choices happen.  It doesn't mean that you have to condone them or support them in any way.  I make shitty decisions too, in no way am I saying that I don't.

Doing things in half measures is bullshit.  Accepting them from people who are treating you like that's all you deserve is even more.

You get what you put into a relationship.  It baffles me that you folks are all surprised by that.

Appreciate what you have or get divorced allfuckingready.  There are single people out there waiting to be loved.  There is no single thing worse than hoping that you have a chance and not seeing all the signs screaming at you that you don't.

And because this;