Current Situation In Song

Quieted

      He laid his head on her lap with his eyes closed as if she was the most comforting place in the world and her chaotic mind quieted in the way she had only experienced once before in the presence of the grandmother she was still haunted by.
      She noticed he was relaxing under her hands as she continued to feel his anguish from the inner workings of his mind fade away while she held him closer;  letting everything she held in her heart for him ooze out of her burning fingertips.
      She felt him start to become aroused when she moved his hand he held over his heart as if he was trying to hold in everything he was feeling and her finger grazed his nipple; knowing full well that he always loved it she continued to do so.
      Mentally prepared for it to be commanded to a halt as she was convinced that he was over her, she continued as his breath grew quicker and he melted into her like a sundae cone in July.
      "What are you doing to me?"  He groaned under his breath looking up at her with one eye.
      "I'm not sure," she said breathlessly.  For she was genuinely perplexed at this reaction that she had gotten from a man that she never thought she would have her hands on again.


To be continued....

It Happens

Have you ever found yourself so happy that you're afraid to be happy?

Like if you say anything about it, 

the Universe will take note and explode just so that you don't have it anymore.

This look on my face?

Someone who has become important to me put that there.

Repeatedly they have said exactly what I needed 

to brighten my day enough to lift the gloom.  

I didn't see what they would mean to me when I met them.

Frankly, I almost said screw it and didn't.

Sometimes, when we are able to see past the situation that we're in 

and take a leap of faith something amazing happens, 

and we meet someone who doesn't treat us like everyone else 

because they see us for who we are.

Happiness.  It happens.

I Need A Drink

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Jump Start

Some connections,
Like strong espresso,
Keep you up at night
And do funny things to your insides.
My train of thought is flying off the rails again.
I spew out into the Universe to find connections 
With my unconnected thoughts
From my heart that I like to pretend is disconnected.
Mine seems to be connected to yours with jumper cables.
It almost feels like it was a grotesquely unkind thing 
For the universe to do.
You can't take back the words I heard.
I'd love to be able to take them out 
And throw them back back into the black hole where they came from.
           But alas,
Here we are in the stare down of who is going to move first.
It's almost absurd how much space they've taken up in my brain.
These poems are nothing but a bunch of notes.
           Or are they?
Is it what you really think?
I am not afraid to peace out this time.
But then I find my serenity in your eyes
Because there is nothing but the same chaos inside us
And I'm jump started.

Permission

When you realize that you've battled hailstorms 

For that one who wouldn't walk through the rain for you

It's okay to lose it

It's okay to be hurt

But only for a minute

Don't ever forget who you are

Not just the one 

To be treated like the flicker on the end of a match

You are the whole fucking fire

-Cynicallovebird

Sympathy For The Stars

I was told once that sometimes the most spiritual, 
Soul-cleansing thing you can do is to tell someone to fuck off.
Being the anti-asshole that I was, 
Until now I didn't believe that to be true.
I let the pain linger just a little while longer 
Knowing that you aren't going to stay.
Even though I knew that throwing myself on a grenade 
Would probably have hurt less, 
I stopped by and said hello anyway.
Letting the guilty little pleasure of your grin 
Bring me up to a high 
I know that I'll never experience again.
When I put my foot down  and refuse to buy into the lies,
Cry to the stars, 
Maybe they'll hear.
Give my new love a cruel nickname while swearing
That it doesn't bother you.
Disturbed by how they don't bow down 
And dim at the sound of your anguish?
Clearly you've taken them for granted again.
That is, after all, what you do best.
When the rest of the world has forgotten you 
Don't come crying to me.
I'd console the stars for having to listen to you,
Before I would you.
After all, they were there for me when I was crying over you.

In Between Normal

On a random, unassuming Thursday
Your unappreciated heart
Stumbled upon my broken one
And ever since, nothing has been the same
I wasn't looking for you
I was too busy sifting through the rubble that made me
But I couldn't shake the feeling I got when we talked

Something was gripping me
And that inkling I got when I heard your voice for the first time
Felt more contagious than the common cold
Maybe it was the way that we have both known heartache
The way that a kid knows what it's like to have a quiet, unreciprocated schoolyard crush
Maybe it was the way that my random
Blurted out thoughts make you laugh
And when you do your eyes light up
And it burns the paper string that ties my walls together
That I like to pretend are made of titanium

Editing out all the lines we've crossed
And the words that we dared not speak but did anyways
Arbitrarily giving us permission to be nothing but ourselves
I've had the coffee shop getting to know you talks
I'd rather see the in between
I want to hear all about your afternoon indecision
Curl up and stow away inside the ticking of your weeble wobbling mind

I have tried the human experiment on from time to time
Always being treated as just another grain of sand
When I've always felt more other-worldly than that
This pornographic friendship is most definitely something else
It has broken the mold and unintentionally unearthed something I had only dreamt of
There's something to be said for the one who sees you
The one who makes themselves at home in between your normal
You know the one, that side
The simple pleasure of knowing what is hiding behind grazing fingertip touches
Is enough to set me ablaze

I can't help but look at you undeniably fascinated and incredibly intrigued
I feel like a child looking at the ocean for the first time
So forgive me if I look at you and everything happening in my brain pours from my eyes
It's just that my mended heart appreciates you

Dating Can Go Fuck Itself

I was told once that the best way to get over it, was to sweat over it.  Not physically told by someone, but picked up from one of those "fitness instagrammers" who lost a bunch of weight so now they think they're inspirational life coaches....  I won't get started on them, I like clean eating and health and fitness as much as the next person who loves delicious food and Netflix just as much but not enough to starve my body of the things that make me happy to do anything about minimizing my curves (and why the hell would I want to do that);  but this time I think they were right.  Whenever I'm aware of the fact that I've hit an emotional roadblock, doing something mindless like walking the dog in the middle of the night instantly resets my brain enough to get it out. 

 Hence the ensuing vent.  I apologize ahead of time, it's a doozy.

What is so lost in the dating world?

Why can't we just do things right and love whole heartedly and unconditionally without being told that it's wrong?  Granted monogamy isn't for everyone, but for fuck's sake, even the people it's for can't get it right these days!

I want this:  Loyalty to my face AND behind my back.  Huh!  Imagine that.  Being an honest person.  The realization that not being a dick is suddenly some kind of "new-fangled idea" to people who existed pre-social media makes me fucking cringe.  What the H.E. Double Hockey Sticks is wrong with people?

And just to get something straight right now:  There's a huge (just to be clear, we're talking Atlantic ocean sized) difference between asking me to be patient and just expecting me to act like I'm stupid for the sake of letting you get away with treating me like shit.  I'll tell you what bub, go wish in one hand and jerk off in the other, and we'll see which one gets filled first, K?

Another thing too:  I'm an amazing person to have around.  If you're having a bad day, I'm going to make sure that you have whatever you need to work through it and have a better one.  I am a really good friend as often as I can be, and I like to surround myself with friends who feel the same way.  At the same time, there are some things that girlfriends do, that "friends" simply do not.  

In other words:  QUIT EXPECTING GIRLFRIEND LEVEL ACTIONS WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEVEL COMMITMENT!!!!!!

I know, I know.  That probably hurt your sensitive eyeballs and felt like a kick in the nuts.  Deal!  Not by any means am I one to sleep around, but if you want to be the only person getting my energy, you're going to have to date me.  And this whole, "expecting me to do things that you're not willing to do..." is nothing but a great big bag of NOPE.

That is so much better than all this shit we are doing now.  I am so frustrated and fed up with trying to fall in love with a generation of men who just don't care and just want to get laid every chance they get.  That, and they were raised to believe that they don't need to grow a pair just because one nut job fucked them over in not any fun ways.  Does it mean that all of us are out to?  Of course not.  Everything is disposable to people nowadays, even other people, and it sucks.

It.  Sucks.

Dating is weird for people like me.

"Hey thing of the human species I find slightly attractive, wanna hang out and get to know me a little bit, and maybe human together?"

Dating used to be so awesome back in the day:  the boy asks the girl out, shows up at her house and picks her up, brings flowers or some other token of affection to win her over.  There was effort put into it.  It was an event, and gave us girls an excuse to get dressed up and look pretty and the boys smelled nice.  Now it's just "Hey, come over if you feel like it."  Acting casual to avoid the atomic "F" word that leads to a human MAYBE ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKING YOU.  Basically I am more of a dude than most men I know, but I don't want to act like one all the time.  I want to be treated like a girl sometimes.  I want it to be okay when I decide that I can drop my facade of dudeliness and "In-Chargeness" at something other than a photo shoot and be treated like a fucking queen instead of Swamp Thing.

But I don't, because dating has changed from romance and squishy feelings to a game of who can fuck with the other's head more.  It's called "being friends" or "hanging out" now.  And then if we actually did have fun "hanging out", we can't act like it.  Sex has to be casual, and free of feelings.  And we can't let on to each other that we might only want to sleep with them, because, well that would mean it was a relationship.  We can't call it dating, because that would mean that one of us actually likes each other.......

Can we have a moment of silence for the common sense that just flew out the window ............................ .............................  ..........................moment ............................ of  ....................... silencing...........................................................................................no seriously, we're moment of silencing because, stupidity................................................insert mental rant about how I hate all of humanity. .....................................  Not the time J, we're silencing right now .............................................................................

Isn't that the point of dating?  Hint:  You want them to like you.

Update:  I seriously had to wait a couple of days (Okay 4.  4 days) to come back to finishing this because I was pretty sure I was about to have an aneurysm writing those last few paragraphs.

Dudes, I am over hearing about how girls are all clingy and pushy because they CONTACT YOU WHEN THEY LIKE YOU!!!  Let me get this straight;  you want us to not act like bitches and be nicer, but the second we do, you run like hell?  **The world has gone silent.  My brain actually stopped working at that moment of stupidity.... **crickets chirping**

Who the fuck do you think you are?  In your head, you're a 10+ when in reality you're probably a 6, but with the way you treat people, you're more like a -4 with that shitty personality.  Fuck directly off.

Don't get me wrong, I would kick all of your asses at Yahtzee.  I love games.  But I am over the "talking about plans until we're blue in the face, and I'm all excited to see you, then get "I can't" when it's time to grow a pair and actually make the fucking plans.  You can't act like you're actually excited to see them, then they'll start ignoring you.

If I have one more conversation via text that should have been at the very least a phone call or definitely a face to face discussion, I'm going to fucking lose my shit entirely.  And then if you decide that you don't want to see them anymore, "Ghosting" is a thing now.  Whatever happened to having balls?  Sack.  The.  Fuck.  Up!!!!!  Nobody likes to be ignored and treated like crap.  When did this ever become an okayish thing to do?  Because it's not.  Respect.  It's a thing.

We're all trying to out-asshole each other.  Stop it.  Stop it now.  Put down the Tinder!!!  It's in the rules dating back to preschool times.  If you like a person, tell them.  Then if they don't like that you like them, then to hell with them and move on with your day and find someone else to play on the swings with.  (giggle, snort.  See what I did there?  Sorry not sorry, my brain just goes there).  Seriously, if you don't know if you want to be with me or not, deuces!  It doesn't make it suck any less, but I'm done throwing my brain out the window and giving all of my energy to anyone who is just going to rip out my heart too.  I don't acknowledge that I have one all the time, but I do, and so do you.  You really should be a little more careful with it.

Dating is fucked.  We're all fucked.  Stop fucking each other and fucking around and fucking love each other instead.  How fucking hard is that?

Strange Creature

                         I was so drawn to you.  
You, the devil showed yourself to me dressed as everything I have ever wanted.  
            But here's the thing;  
You can't weave a beautiful web of lies in which to throw lassos from to entangle 
and rip out the heart of someone as if they're a mere fly, 
             and then mean it when you kiss them and say, "I never meant to hurt you".  
Don't tell me this hurts you too;  
                           you can't blame me for the mess you made with my blood.

Your outright dismissal of my self worth assisted in my awakening.  
                 In all my life so far, I've never learned to let anything die gracefully.  
But this was never alive to begin with, right?  
                       Not according to you anyway.  
But for me?  
           I'm still blinded by the kaleidoscopes and dizzied by the rainbows 
I was too busy riding on to see the reality of what this was going to do to my universe.  
                 But you were new and shiny, and I didn't care about my own destruction 
and threw my body into the fire for you.                     
                   You're going to do what you do best, which isn't staying;  
     but you do it because you know I'll always be doing what I do best, which is waiting.  
                                             Only I won't be.  Not today Satan.

I don't see the world like most.  
                I fall in love with the paint, not the painting.  
With the people not the places.   
                       With the flowers not the garden.  
The same way that I fell in love with your soul, not your body;  
                          with your smile, not your face.  
The same way that I could get lost for a million years in your embrace 
                                            and not see the blood on your hands.  
To me, it is the things that make something that make it worth it.

Such a strange creature, you are.  
                        You scream what you want into the Universe, 
and then slam the door in its face when it gets sent your way.  
                       You loved the way I touched you, 
but decided to leave me wanting yours and disappeared.  
                        You made me promise that I was going to get to know you 
and said that you would never leave.  
               Now the only presence I have of you is faint memory of conversation 
and the strong scent of red wine kisses. 
                                    It's hard to walk away from thoughts of the time we had together.  
Every now and then I hope I'll still find you 
                   at the end of the trail of footsteps that you've left upon my heart.

You're such a strange creature, but so am I, and maybe that is why I will always wait.