Rabbit Door

I'm not asking you to tear down your walls
Just to open a doorway so I can peek inside.

At my age,
a woman should let the world around her be their muse
there's so much to explore
see, touch, taste.
Focusing on one thing can be a complete waste of time
If only I could feel that you were...

On Dating 2

Dating is like looking both ways before you cross the road and getting hit by a plane in the middle of it. 

Whether I want to or not, eventually I'm going to have to give in and accept "Ducking" as a swear word.  My phone just isn't having that word out of my potty mouth.  It will however randomly suggest "Cock" when I type in the letter C and "Boobs" whenever I enter a B....figure that one out.

Do you ever just look at someone and instantly can't talk to them because you know it's going to be highly inappropriate if you try?

"How are you today?" 

"Well, I'd be great if I could pretty please sexually harass you while touching your butt for just 5 minutes so that I can get the visions of me banging you on every piece of furniture I own out of my system so I can act like a human and not some sexually driven ape."   

And then you walk away and high five the friend who tried to talk you out of saying that before it left you mouth and call HR and leave a voicemail that you'll see them promptly Tuesday after work so that they can give you that new hire sexual harassment seminar again that you were in the back swiping right on Tinder during the first time.

 No?  Me either.

While my attraction to women is rare, there are times that I want to walk up to 1 specific person that I have a braingasm every single time I see her and I just want to ask her husband if it would be okay if I made out with his wife.

"I'll leave her better than I found her, promise!"

I haven't been on Tinder in a while, but as I was recently checking it out and found something that makes me believe that he would be okay with that.  That, and the fact that approximately two months ago on a night out with friends I was repeatedly winked at from across the bar by said braingasmic hot woman.

Anyways, I'm getting off subject because well, boobs.

Why are breakfast dates not more of a thing?  Forget your fancy dinner with the food that I'm expected to be able to consume while wearing an adorable dress in spanx where I have to both breathe and be kind while being squeezed like the watermelon challenge.  Give me my pj's and a short stack and and coffee and deep conversation about anything that doesn't involve feelings and nobody will get hurt;  or something relatively BS free and along those lines.  If I had a movie date at my house it would most likely end in 20 minutes after I pass out because I have rarely been able to sit through a movie in my own home.  You want to just cuddle and fall asleep?  I'm totally down for a nap date!  A walk on a trail in the woods and explore where I get covered in sweat and bug spray and you somehow think the way that I seduce you with my awkwardness is fantastic?  Yes please!

I have a hard time "working towards" a relationship.  I kind of want things to already be that way.  With one person, forever.  It amazes me how common courtesy is lost on most people nowadays.  If someone doesn't match up with what you want from your life, tell them instead of freezing and hiding like a coward.  Then there are those who act to your face like you're the best thing in the world to them and then nowhere to be found any other minute of the day.  There just aren't enough real people in the world anymore.

And that's my point:  I'm a relatively BS free person, most of the time.  As a recently acquired friend said in conversation the other day: "You have had an enormous amount of shit thrown at you in the past 5 months."  Things I thought would never happen did and as mentioned in a previous post, I know I haven't had the best time of dealing with it appropriately.  I'm a constant self improvement project;  as we all should be.

Some of the things written to me on my dating website account....I wish I could be making this shit up, but I have screen shots.

From Dude 14 years younger than myself:

"Hey Cougar!  Is your name Wi-Fi?  Because I'm definitely feeling a connection here!"

1.  I am not a cougar.
2.  You are closer in age to my teenage daughter than you are to myself.
3.  I have standards.
4.  Fuck off.

From random Dude half the state away in his very first message to me:

"I love you."

Um, well that escalated quickly...

His response:

"Well when you know, you should tell someone right away."

And then there's the entire fear of being catfished, again.  Yeah, that's happened too.

I'm so ready to give up on the quest for the actual forever kind of love and just have a crap load of toys and activity buddies.  Wait, I already have that....

Vital Organs

I don't want to keep having to put myself back together every time you don't call.

I am pretty sure that alcohol comes with the label "Heartbreak Super Glue" for a reason, but I've never really been one to test theories.  Okay that's not true, I'm all too familiar with the warpath of curiosity.  I could put the blame on you, but it's me who keeps breaking my own heart sitting here waiting.

None of my organs are on speaking terms anymore.

My brain absolutely knows what an insult to my intelligence all of this is and collects facts to make the pain stop screaming "Fuck this" while my broken heart bleeds out into the bottle of tequila my liver perpetually consumes to disinfect and drown the feelings I've never gotten used to hanging around like some gang waiting in a dark alley to cut me deeper than your lies did.

My eyes keep trying to force every memory of your face down my throat and it's not having it.  They want to rage rivers but my heart and brain are giving the tag team "Don't you dare" and since they've made the mistake before, they heed the warning this time.

My tongue can't stop longing for your taste and it lashes out in protest of teenage dream anguish.

My stomach is over this already.  Antacids are great, but so isn't the food that I used to be a fan of.

My nerve endings are screaming for the calm that just being in the sound wave as your existence brought to them, knowing they'll never feel that way again.

And the underthings, don't even get me started on what I heard through the grapevine regarding the coup they're about to stage.

And my fingers.....well honey, unfortunately nothing feels like you.

There's few sure things in this world.  Even fewer constants.  But the thing I'm most sure of is that once someone knows that they have you and it's not a struggle to keep you, they're going to find a new game to play.

Someone get the memo to my soul to stay out of it next time.

I'm About To Say "Fuck" A Lot....

Honestly, the best thing about text messaging and the fact that it's backed up on my account, is that I have a written timeline every time that someone drives me to act like an emotionally unstable lunatic, and the sane conversations and nuggets of wisdom I dole out to my friends that I don't take myself;  and as I'm looking through them apparently should.

Sometimes (all the time) it's really fucking hard for me to remember that I'm worth more than a once in a while text  response or a pat on the butt when it's convenient;  but I am and even after having a day that was as much fun as a sandpaper dildo, I remember.  And then I get pissed that it's not already common fucking sense to treat a person with a little decency.

Nobody is really as busy as they say they are.  When you've ignored me for a fucking week straight and yet openly complain about how horrible every woman is on the planet and how you're getting ignored BUT THERE IS ONE RIGHT HERE BEGGING FOR YOUR FUCKING TIME, you my friend deserve to be told to FUCK.  DIRECTLY.  OFF.  I cannot believe that anyone would accept that kind of standard from themselves, let alone anyone else.  How are you surprised that nobody wants to talk to a blowhard who acts like the human equivalent of a Participation Award?

Having patience with the person that you're in a relationship with is key.  It is not license to act like a fucking dick and do whatever the fuck you want.  I don't mean that once you're in a relationship that you're under my thumb, but have enough fucking respect for me enough to communicate a little.  Busy?  I get it, but not answering calls or text messages or answering direct questions that are simple to fucking answer and then all you can text back hours later is "What are you doing" to prove that you genuinely don't give a fuck about anyone and clearly not me is fucking bullshit.  Most importantly:  **You are not allowed to cancel plans by text message unless your throat has been ripped out by a hyena.**   And I'm not just talking about someone that you're dating; I'm talking about any kind of  relationship at all.  I would fucking die before I let someone that was a part of my life in any way feel like they were nothing. 

"And the human equivalent of a Participation Award for Douchiest Douchebag on the planet is awarded to...."  Believe me, it's a contest that nobody is in the running for.  You can stop trying so hard;  you fucking win.

If you don't have any integrity;  meaning that if you don't believe in saying what you actually feel/think/mean, call when you say you will, do what you say you are going to do, then keep to yourself or at the very least stay the fuck away from me.

When You're Not Sure What Else To Say In The End, Say Everything

Some folks follow their dreams,
I like to hunt mine down and beat them into submission.
There are times when I am the most terrifying thing I've had to overcome.
There are also times when I get weird, stabby pains in my chest.
Then I relax because it was just a piece of cereal in my bra trying to impale me.
My first instinct has always to jump to conclusions 
And even though I've gotten better at the "is this an ocean or puddle", 
I can't help but feel like I've been right the entire time about you.

My mind never stops and neither do my feelings of being less than enough.
I just wanted someone to laugh with;
I had become tired of leaning on myself
And being there for everyone else.
I am finally ready for someone else to help bear the weight of the world with me.
I hope one day to find someone who will keep me long enough
To make sense of all of the chaos that creates all the places where 
My soul bends like those carnival rides I hate.
It took me a while to figure out that I don't meet the height requirement 
For your emotional roller coaster, 
However I found myself stupefied by the beauty of the scenery 
And Baby I would have stayed forever if you had let me.

I think I scare you because I won't break you like those other girls did.
I don't have it in me to hurt you,
Even though I know I should.
I know that being happy is the most terrifying thing in the Universe.
Once you're happy it can be taken from you.
Sometimes it simply runs screaming after a glimpse 
At the weight of the world you're holding up.
Sometimes it's best to leave the happiness in tact 
And walk away until it's time to come back to it.
And this is where I leave you.
I can't keep breaking my own heart waiting for you.

When you wrote me that time years ago, 
Not through any fault of our own it was ill timed and unexpected.  
I knew you were an anomaly powerful enough to bring my inner vixen to her knees
And I sensed a tenderness wild enough to bring my inner poet to the breaking point.  
Boy was I right.

I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm the first to get under your skin
I'm nearly positive that I didn't even scratch your epidermis.
I know I wasn't the first person to kiss your body
And do things that made you feel like you were the only man in the world.
I had just hoped that I got to be the last 
Because to me you were.

I didn't want to get used to you, you know.
I fought you,
But being with you was as pure and effortless as breathing
And you told me that it would be okay if I did.
But here we are and now I am
And I can tell that you are so not okay with it.

Just one time I'd like to live in a world in which loving doesn't mean losing.
Losing what?  You ask.
Nothing.
You should gain everything with love.
With the definition I give it as an appreciation of who you are as an entire being,
I love you.
And I don't care what you think because I know your narrow mind is stuck on 
That hollow saying that everyone takes back.

Some days talking to you is like trying to fold a fitted sheet.
Ending in everything being entirely mangled and screwed up on the inside of the folds
Leaving you with wishing it were easier to deal with but understanding the necessity.
But looks like it's perfect from the outside;
At least until you go to put it on the bed.
Then all the wrinkles ingrained in it from being ignored,
Stuffed in the back of the closet too long.
And no amount of acting like you enjoy seeing me makes me flatten out and feel better Because they're stained with all the nasty things only a CSI can read.

I'll start keeping my hands to myself when I find someone who feels like you.
Someone who tastes like it would feel if I had a dollar for every time
You cross my mind and make my heart stop in my chest.
I was never worried about losing you
I was worried about losing myself
Until the day came that I reached out for your dead, blackened heart
And you broke me.
Now I know that I wasn't afraid of losing you because I never had you to begin with.
And now I don't know where I am.

Words spill out of me as if I have no lid,
Yet I still manage to hold back
I want to put you away 
but thoughts of us are running through my mind too fast to collect dust.
Words created by memories
Of the chills I get when I remember your hands;
The emptiness I feel when you're not with me is crushing.

I wish you well and along with that I wish you the pain of consequences.
I remember every instant that my poor, 
Hopeful heart caved for a crumb of your time.
I've lost you a thousand times and I remember every single loss,
But I can never remember what makes us find each other.

We'll meet again years from now,
Probably in some antique shop filled with books people pretend to need.
When you are the same old you and I a different me.
Maybe I won't hate you then.
Maybe I will have forgiven us both.
Maybe you'll finally stop searching for things to fill that void you don't talk about.
Believe me, yes I noticed it.

So much of what we learn from love are lessons taught by those who never really loved us.
I left the door to my heart open ajar just in case.

Rework: Uneasy Silence, Curiosities And Visions

 I had somehow become married to my loneliness 
                       and that's where you found me.  

I tried to fight you out of my mind 
                      but I can't help but keep writing my admiration of you.  

Writing it out feels like the best and the worst moment all at the same time. 

I can proclaim a masterpiece for you in this blog of mine repeatedly, 

          but my vocal chords turn to concrete at the sight of your face;  

                 keeping me from saying what I need to in order to voice my need for this to be mutual.  

Instead it's easier on my heart to dismiss any nice things that you say to me 

          and accuse you of sleeping with half the planet 

                 and push you away with the dismissal that you're just screwing with me 

because you enjoy killing me slowly like some narcissistic serial killer of hearts 

         instead of accepting what you're telling me to be true. 

Constantly questioning the Universe:  
                    "Is this an ocean or a puddle?"  
My ability to tell has been skewed by muddled signs of self preservation 
                     and punch drunk curiosity.  
I run a constant race with my emotions 
                and it's usually ego that falls flat on it's face first 
         with inner peace coming in dead last.  
It just sits in the middle of the track waiting to be kissed, 
                 checking out the dandelions.

Converse with me, but don't look at me.  
Your eyes cause a molecular change in my spirit 
              and my mind becomes amputated from my mouth 
and my heart is at the control panel 
        and that's not a good thing if we want to avoid burning to ash.  
My tongue doesn't follow direction well.  
The way I feel about you has become so ingrained in me 
                 that I would set myself on fire if you asked for light. 
But your words are hitting my ears as faint as a coin you've flipped into a well of abandonment 
            and echoing just as hollow.  
Words, that's all you give me.  
I'm tired of waiting for you, 
                patiently watching you gambling copper in hopes of promises of gold.  
It's infuriating.  

I've grown accustomed to goodbyes without ever speaking the words "It's over".  
I keep waiting for your grand deployment from my life;  
               praying with every atom of my being that it never comes. 
Based on your history that you've let me see you don't keep them around long;
         yet I'm supposed to keep my patience level to a maximum at all times even when you don't call. 
My head gets the concept, 
           yet my heart is about 10 miles back trying to catch up.
I could watch you watching the news on the couch 
                  and not hear a thing 
but find a million things about you that I can't get enough of.

There's nothing that can ever keep me from you.

Except you.

This is just a re-work of a previous post titled "Uneasy Silence, Curiosities and Visions".  It just didn't feel like it was flowing correctly and getting my point across as I re-read it the other day.

Viking Funeral

Remembering the first time we were together;
You looked at me and in that moment I was naked,
Your eyes devouring the contours of my frame.
You've nearly got me trapped between your lips and hands.
I drop my guard;  
Unwillingly and wanting all at once.
I could sit by your side all day,
No complaints.
You're my favorite place to be.
Even my demons dress up and behave when I'm with you.
This has never happened before and it's as exciting as it is concerning.
I can tell that you have the power to either end or save my soul.

Inwardly I'm crippled on my knees,
Deaf to reason.
Outwardly I can only pray it doesn't show.
And then you touch me just so
As spikes of curiosity pop up on my skin.
Heat rushed through my body in places only a child who 
Stays up past their bedtime knows.
And even against the curtain of darkness you could feel me blushing.

As we rid ourselves of fear hidden within the fabric of the clothes on our backs
I stood there in the silence of screaming hormones.
Your skin glowing as the streetlights illuminated the room,
But you still aren't naked enough.
Everywhere with you is exactly where I want to be.
The feeling of release to one who is my biorhythms counterpart,
Creating an art that I have only dreamt of feeling.
I want to strip you down to your bones and purge you from any insecurity. 
I want to tear down the skyscrapers you watch down on me from. 
You're quite the architect and I a wonder struck girl;
I'm so vulnerable
Desperately seeking more than just your naked skin.

I don't want a heart that's perfect and unbruised;
It won't know how to love me.
I want one that's ripped in half;
Gaping open.
As feral and wild spirited as mine.
Primed and ready.
It's been tested and tried and proven to be resilient.
Perfect hearts are for pansies.

Give me a Viking any day.

You say you've heard it all before;
You're wary of me I know.
"You've met plenty of women just like me".
I'm not your typical anything and I wish you'd start treating me as such.
I want to take your words and shove them up your tight little ass
And tell you to go die in a hole.
Not because I wish you death;
Because I'd never put you in the same boat with others that have hurt me.
I would set it on fire and let it sink before it could ever reach you.

Flow And Devour

Pretending not to notice that you're killing me has 
      become my favorite game.
My destruction is going to come from wanting           
            You too much and letting you know it.
I've been in a holding pattern; 
Scared by what my heart wants, 
But even more by what it doesn't.
        Don't try to fix me,
You'll only end in your own destruction.
I promised myself that I wouldn't fall in            
                         Love with you.
Laying so close to you feeling for the first time 
      In my life, so peaceful; 
       I know that I am completely screwed.
I've felt alone in this world longing for               
               That flow that I could never find.
But here I am feeling you flow through me 
          At 4 am working through a lucious fantasy 
       And I have to say it is divine.
Getting what I want with a flicker of the tongue.
The way that it doesn't take much to bend you          
                        Tells me that you feel it too.
You know something,
      It's not you who keeps me awake at night.
It's the thoughts of all the things I do;
The sacrifices, 
     the heartache, 
             the bending over backwards
Just to prove that love is worth having to stretch for.
Always giving too much of myself to the wrong people. 
Every time I've given my heart away 
          I've gotten less and less of it back.
But alas,
The most highly skilled killers will always wear the mask
       Of what consoles us the most.
If you must
At least worship me enough to keep my heart            
         In the back of your freezer.

Vanquish

 "Just because I am not outwardly asking for anything
doesn't mean that I am not inwardly pleading for your everything"

To be not just that girl
Your company or mere companionship
But to be THE girl in your eyes
Oh for Pete's sake
You are the one that I breathe fire for
One millisecond in my mind
And I'm standing here smiling like I've just learned how to

I want the passion that builds
When two have a deep and mutual craving for each other
The one that leaves me longing
Awake at night reaching for you
As you need me so much too
That you hunt me down in only the place we know to find each other
You captured me with your illusion of desire to be inside my thoughts
A black cloud of carefully placed words
I have found myself falling for you at a terrifying rate
This growing anticipation is requiring a patience that
Leaves me feeling like I'm going to hit the wall any moment now

I want the novel turned Rom-Com
But I don't want the process
I'm not too sure about the apologies and cynicism and the binge drinking
The tears and breakups and friends opinions can see themselves out of the plot line too
Which then begs the question
Why do we have to lose love to learn to appreciate it?
Can't we just love what we have when it's in front of us the first time?
And then we laugh and high five because we did anything but that

Deep within I am repairing
But you've chosen to live inside there and rip to shreds
I've known for awhile, my love
The impact you were going to have on me
Every piece I sutured carefully
I'm convinced I'm going to go mad
Under these deafening alarms I'm trying to ignore
Trying to thread the needle when all I can see or hear is you

I wanted to look into your eyes and fight about it
Screw apologies that I owe to myself
Kiss and make up about it
Ego screams "Never in this lifetime"
You need to be the one to get out of this vortex
Because I am not ever going to be able to stop dropping everything for you
I surrender so easily without a single punch thrown
My bulletproof plan was defective
The exit wounds match my smeared lipstick
Save the sulking for someone who isn't dying to feel important in your arms
I hung my DO NOT DISTURB signal up
But you still managed to find your way in
That's not why we're here
We miss that thing we do
Our dirty games
Ending in swearing that I'll quit you
One touch quiets the exclamation marks again
Maybe next time

Intrepid

I've never been more sure 
That it was the moment the whole world was waiting for
The moment my heart jumped out of my chest at the sight of you
With a simple "Hello there"
You're everything my father warned me about 
And my grandmother told me to find
And my inner cynic was sure never existed

I'm falling for the idea of loving you 
And I am just the kind of fool who doesn't need it to be April first to admit it
I've lived my life convincing myself that love is nothing more than a mirage
You see
I was born with an insatiable desire for affection
And a heart with a radar that finds it where it can never thrive
Like a line in a song written in a language I don't speak
I've always enjoyed the rhythm even though I can't understand it
I can already tell I'm going to love you for the rest of my life
With or without you in it

My heart has arrived to you without instruction
I hate you for discovering me so carelessly
Blindly you swung your jar around hunting fireflies 
And unintentionally caught my lightening
A violent storm that seeks to jump start your heart 
Into believing that what you sought all along resides in it's bolts
Without caring what you have
You place your lid over me.
Dancing to the rhythm of my silent explosions
Shaking me up and making me shine 
When I just want to hide behind the clouds

There is no brilliance without a touch of chaos
I won't go seeking the Universe if you would just take the lid off
Instead of anger that I've been caged
I can't help but be in awe 
That I'm to be the one you chose to lose track of time with
I'm more than a handful
Just reassurance that it's why we were born with two hands
I'm not asking for trust
I'm asking for a chance

I want to be the one you miss after saying goodbye
And the one you countdown to seeing again
At times I sleep with the hope of running into you
There is a place between goodnight and good morning 
Where I always hope we meet

You have been accustomed to 
Never telling anyone how deeply you feel about them
Because attachment has always led to leaving
Relationships are about investment
Not hobby
We have been broken by those who sought 
To make their flame brighter by blowing out ours
Because we loved them in a way that they didn't understand
Was never about them

Tonight I hang onto the notion that your soul is just like mine
If you were anyone else you would have been in the fuck-it bucket by now
Maybe I hang on so tightly 
Because I worry of letting go of a once in a lifetime kind of connection
But I won't chase what doesn't want to be caught
Someone who stands there effortless with their jar 
Hoping that I'll crash land and stay awhile

Untied Thoughts

"Spiritual transformation brings us to the point where we realize that in our own being, we are enough.  We don't have to become anything but what we are.  Life will fine tune us no matter the path we choose...  If we let it.  Ego tells us we are not enough, yet spirit made us naked and vulnerable for a reason.....  One way or another, humility comes at some point before we go on to meet our maker.  There is simply no escaping it.  So what if your smile is crooked and you walk with a limp, you're still smiling and going somewhere while you do it.  Maybe just help someone along the way, that's the most beautiful you will ever be, in the service of others."
- Ram Dass

 "Don't feel bad about demolishing a few things in order to build a better you;  wrecking balls don't apologize."
- Owen Lindley

--------------------------------------------

That was my quota of quotes for the day, onto the blog!!!!

Something to keep in mind for future reference:  When a girl is either eating ice cream straight from the carton or alcohol straight out of the bottle or some days in my case both, you do not under any circumstances ask her how she's doing.  Don't do it unless you are ready to bare the full brunt of the emotional outburst that I am working to avoid.  You will either get tears or whatever I'm holding thrown at your head.

With that said, I'm pretty sure there isn't a heartache that a night in with Beringer white zinfandel, chicken fried rice from Ming's Garden and Wayne's World can't get you through.

I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense.  There have been a lot of random working through things going on in my mind.  It's like prepping for an estate sale up in my head, there's a lot of sorting to be done before anything can really be fixed.  Sometimes, you've just got to be able to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding.  I haven't been in that place for a long time and it's good to be back here.

It's so bizarre that someone who for what felt like eternity was a huge part of your life and they were always thought of as someone who was going to be there forever; for one reason or another by the time catastrophe came and swept them out of your universe you were convinced that they meant nothing to you to the point that it was weightless to you to let them go and yet on certain days, like Sunday, it takes the combined effort of every atom in your body to keep you from being crushed by the weight of their absence.

I will say, that I am settled a little more than I was.  I got to spend time doing what I love doing to those who love doing it with me.  Nothing like a random drive and a shoot in my happy place on my day off.  I blew off steam in less self-destructive ways than usual;  that was nice.  I'm happy dancing with the notion that I'm feeling much more like I feel more comfortable on my new found pathway than I have the past two months.

To be completely transparent, 3 months into the journey into the black hole I found myself at the bottom of, I have consulted with my doctor and am now on medication for anxiety.  It's something that I can take as needed, which is nice.  I really don't want something to take every day that is going to screw with my brain chemistry and send me off the deep end like I experienced a few years ago.  What I have been going through is situational, it will get better, but in the meantime it is kind of nice to not become paralyzed with fear and cry and hyperventilate while taking a shower while home alone because I couldn't remember whether or not I had checked the front door to make sure that it was locked before heading upstairs.  Not only did that happen 3 weeks ago, but it was also the breaking point in seeking help.  No, certainly not the binge drinking, impulsivity or lack of sleep couldn't have done it sooner....   I went through Hell trying to stabilize myself on my own.  Whatever, the day came, and I have never been more grateful for listening to myself.

On the job front, things are working out wonderfully.  The dating world has proved itself difficult, but I will thank it for the lessons about myself that I have learned as of late.  My emotional well being evening out has opened a portal to the more creative part of my brain, I've been writing like crazy;  I have about 4 projects going on throughout the house at the moment.

My sister came back home.  Last week was nice to have her around and get to spend some time physically with my niece and nephew.  I'm looking forward to this Sunday, I get to see the bonus-brother that I haven't seen in 20 years.  Family time is truly my favorite thing in the world.  There is, however, one statement that I would like to make about that:

What I allow to be seen on social media about my personal thoughts, dating life and social life are exactly that, the parts of me that I allow to be seen.  I have two kids, yes.  I spend much more time with them and doing other things than what it appears that I do on social media for two reasons:  1.  Because they're human beings with thoughts and feelings of their own and I fiercely respect their right to their privacy and 2.  See reason #1.  It really is that simple.  Being judged based on what you think you know without actually getting to know me is alright; because if you think that treating someone like that is an okayish thing to do, you don't belong where I am in the Universe.  

----------------------------------------------------------------

Lessons learned and random thoughts I've had and written down:

They really should get rid of Valentine's day and replace it with Second Thanksgiving.

I don't take no for an answer from anyone, why am I accepting this from myself?

My creative mind takes a back seat to work and responsibility most of the time;  and I hate it.

That it takes bravery to show up in your own skin.  Blending in is the easiest way to lose the precious parts of ourselves.  We all deserve to be seen and appreciated for what we bring to the table;  even it's just cheez-its.  At least I'd sit with them, I like cheez-its.  Point is, be you.  The world will fucking adjust.

Thank you, pints of ice cream, for starting off as a nice treat and ending as a sad realization that I have no self control.

I love sarcasm.  It's like punching people in the face, but with words and most of the time they're too stupid to realize it.

The thought of being broken again terrifies me more than the notion that I am going to be alone forever.  That's why I don't let anyone get close to me.  Too many failed long-term endeavors of the soul has made me okay with the welcoming of short-term hearts into my bed.  It's easier.  Sometimes even I feel like there are parts of myself I find coaxing out of the darkness like a feral cat that's about to attack me.

I feel that you can tell a lot about someone by the way that they answer questions.  Or don't, for that matter.

We are all just one really good or bad thing happening in our lives away from becoming a completely different person.

I would choose a love letter tucked under my pillow after a night in cuddling and watching a movie over a night in a fancy restaurant or club and a bouquet of cut flowers hands down.  Unless they're wildflowers from the side of the road, that's just adorable.

Not a single one of us gets to choose who, how or why we love.  Things get interesting when you learn to stop fighting it.

Imagine how amazing the world would be if we all obsessed about the things that we loved about ourselves...

I am always stuck in a limbo between giving someone every ounce of my being and nothing at all.  I do love in the way that some people experience an earthquake.  I don't know how to be subtle.  On one hand, I want nothing more than to create meaningful relationships and on the other, if they leave at least I'll get out of it unscathed if I, for lack of a better term, play dead. I love badly - or at the rate people leave my life I have come to the conclusion that I must be.  I don't know how to do something in between or have patience enough to wade around and see what something will turn into.  I want it to already be what it will.  It amazes me that I still have a heart at all after what I've gone through.  I want to be left alone and held tightly by big strong arms all at the same time;  not too much to ask, right?

My mind never stops running and neither do my thoughts of feeling like I'm less than enough.  All I've ever needed is for someone to hold me down and quiet the exclamation marks.  

It isn't that I'd want to die in my sleep, but waking up means feeling.  I don't want to hear about how things could be.  We could be in love if it wasn't because you are an idiot, yet here we are. My heart is too damn big to be treated as if it's small. 

Unconditional

You tried to change didn't you?
Closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

- Warsan Shire "For Women Who Are 'Difficult To Love'"

So much stress, sadness, heartache.


I'm done with it all.  I don't think I can take any more of it.  I'm sitting here on my bed at the moment.  Outside is a horrible rain storm and the wind is hitting my house harder than it did during a hurricane we got 3 years ago.  Normally the house shaking as bad as it does would be worrisome to me but all I can feel is a weird peace.  

"Finally, the Universe is showing everyone else what is going on inside of me."

I have spent the past week filled with volatility.  I just want to scream and cry and throw things.  I want to drink until I feel nothing and lay around in my sweatpants eating cheese doodles and watching Wayne's World and There's Something About Mary until my eyes fall out or I finally give in and cry.  I hate everything because I want to be loved and I'm not. I want to stop being made a fool of.  I just want to get my stuff and be done with it.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't need to speak the words.  

If someone wants you, they call you back when they see that you've called.  They text you.  They go out of their way to see you (the 35 minute trips to your town weren't just for dog food, dumb ass.  My dog weighs 13 pounds, how much could he possibly eat?)  They act like they're actually glad that you exist.  I'm not looking for flowers or jumping up and down or even a fucking parade, maybe a hug?  Maybe an acknowledgment that I exist every now and again?  One can only beg so much before their spirit is bruised.  All I wanted was 5 minutes, and all I get is crickets.  I'm supposed to think that he wants me and thinks I'm special how?  Exactly.  I'm not.  I'm not fighting with him.  I'm being realistic.  I want him.  He's all I've ever wanted.  I don't have him.  Why waste any more time?  Get it over with, stop dancing a jig on my heart and break it allfuckingready.  

I can't help but think that the universe is punishing me for something.  I don't understand.  All I have ever wanted was to be cared for.  To be loved and know it.  I haven't exactly earned it, but I certainly don't deserve to be ignored and treated like I'm worthless. I'm not going to ever be sorry for telling someone that the way that they're treating me isn't okay.

But as much as I want to lay down and quiet my mind, life must go on.  I put on the makeup and do the hair and the cute outfit complete with cute shoes as perfectly as I can.  I smile and laugh and spend time with my family who is in town - so nobody knows what happening under the surface. 

**I will add with the exception of 3 very close friends, whom I am more grateful for now more than ever.  I owe you all baked goods of your choosing for putting up with my moment of temporary insanity.  This is just temporary, or at least I'm pretending to take your words for it.** 

Did I mention that I can't cry?  I'm a crier, but I haven't cried.  I'm angry.  I even cry when I'm angry - nothing.  I felt things - Gods.  Damn.  It!!!!  I opened my entire being to him and he just peeked inside like some snobby window shopper, tried everything on for size, threw everything inside of me on the floor and kept right on a movin'. 

"Sorry folks, I just don't carry anything ego-sized." 

And as I write this, I look at the pictures on my phone at some that I took of my grandparents.  True love, defined.

My grandmother was recently hospitalized for some serious medical conditions and it's not the first time.  Everyone in the family was worried sick and since there were no available beds at a local hospital, she was shipped to one almost 3 hours away.

I went on a road trip with my aunt on my one day off for the next 6 days, who is also my best friend.  On the way down, we laughed so hard that we almost died on the interstate, needless to say we make our own good time.  It was a nice break from my mind.  

My grandfather was already down there.  He said that no matter what he was going down there and he wasn't coming home without her;  and at that point we didn't know exactly what was going on.  We got to her room and being the stoic that he is he doted on her and we all told jokes and had a good time keeping up each other's spirits and holding each other up with the "everything is going to be fine" look.

Watching the two of them together amazes me.  They would do anything to make sure the other was happy.  He was laying across the end of the bed telling stories and jokes to keep her smiling.  This was a very serious time, we didn't know how bad things were then (fortunately things were not as bad as they could have been and she was able to go home after a procedure), but it didn't matter.  He was doing everything and anything he could to keep her happy and comfortable and take her mind off the fact that any second they could get some really bad news.  

They were so worried about each other.  Smiling and laughing and loving each other in a way that you only can when you've loved someone forever.  They've been through everything together.  How many women would date a guy let alone marry him when he wants to marry you so that he can adopt a 3 year old little girl that isn't even either of theirs?  Because that's what happened...Long story short, my mother was left at the daycare that his mother ran out of their apartment and my grandfather met and married my grandmother so that he could adopt her.

And maybe that's my problem.  I was always taught that conditions are unconditional;  that people who mean something to you should always know it.  I don't do things in half measures because I don't know how to.  That's where my bar is set.  Love me like that; when life throws you a huge curve that terrifies you, as my partner - no matter what, or don't love me at all.  

This will all sort itself out, somehow.

And yes, I started crying halfway through writing this blog post.  Finally.  And no, I'm not drinking any alcohol.  I've taken a moment to actually experience my feelings instead of stuff them down.

Repost: Nonsensical Rant

Blunt honesty.

TRUTH.  We all say that we want it, but do we? 

When the truth doesn’t match up to what we desire from life, we find it next to impossible to accept it. 

We all say we give it.  And we do, for the most part.  That is, until the truth is going to destroy our bubble that we're comfortable in or hurt someone that you care deeply about. 

Well, like it or not, here’s mine:

When I say that I want to be in a relationship, I mean it.   When I say that I think that you’re wonderful, I mean it.   What I don’t mean, is that we should get married after knowing each other less than 2 months.   See!!!   No need to panic.   I’m not nuts like every other drunken whore on the planet.   I’m just me, over here like, “At some point before I die, I want to be loved and know it.“  Too much to ask?  It better not be, or you don’t have a place in my life. 

What I really want, is another adult in the house, who wants to do adult things.   Like shower together, for example.   Or watching porn and making fun of it with me.  Or conversing.   I think that good, honest, old fashioned communication has gone right out the window.   Man do I miss it!   I want to know what makes someone tick at their core.   When you have that kind of bond with someone, love is simply besides the point.   It took me until I was 25 years old to learn how to love myself the way that I deserved to.  I have busted my ass to have the life that I have now.  It might not be a lot to some, but it’s a lot more than I had to start with.  I will not spend a second in the next 25 years of my life from this day forward trying to convince someone else that I am worth getting to know. 

Truth.   Love.   It either is or it isn’t.   If you wanted to get to know me, you would. 

I find it hard to be in love.  That’s only because I didn’t want to fall in love.   I refuse to lower my walls.   I have been through a lot of things that I don't get close enough to people for them to know about me.  Once you open up yourself to someone, there’s a chance things won’t go the way you intended and you will be left broken.  I’m not ready to feel empty. 

I think that Facebook should allow the relationship status "In a threesome with Ben & Jerry and Netflix".  Polyamory, anyone?

There are 26 letters in the English language.   26 letters that can be arranged in an infinite combination of words and sentences.   None of which will be able to change what has already happened.  None of which can make sense out of the nonsense that love is.  Being one to need to make sense out of everything, this fact is the most frustrating.