Reflections From My Driveway

4/19/19 @ 11:43 p.m.

It's very sad and perplexing at the same time;
when you're treated as though you might be a person worth getting to know 
by someone new.
It feels like a completely foreign concept.
It hits your brain in the most awkward ways.  
Like, it almost feels like they're wrong.  
Like you're doing them a disservice by letting them get to know your insides.
There's something about rejection that does that to us. 
We tell ourselves that we know better;
but knowing something and feeling something are always going to be parted 
by the great sea of rejection 
and all other things that have wronged and ruined us,
every single time.

________________________________________________________


"If they act like they don't give a shit about you, believe them."  Best advice I've ever received.  I'm done trying to swan dive down people's throats, my ass is too big to fit.

Sometimes the nicest thing we can do for ourselves is to accept that we're human.  It might be killing me to breathe, but I'm resting when I can instead of running around like a crazed lunatic pretending to be fine as usual.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I'm done saying "sorry" for things that I'm not sorry for.  I want everyone to be happy, but it's also not my job to dim my light to make others more comfortable.  Your opinion of me is none of my business.  I am a nice person.  I am a quirky person.  I love hard and I wear my heart on my sleeve if I'm comfortable with you.  If I'm not, then I seem cold and removed, but I'm really just shy.  I am me, and I won't apologize for that.  Just know that I'm a good person.
_________________________________________________________________________

I just wanted to thank you for making all the love songs mean something

____________________________________________________________________

With one look at my mother I'm overcome with an overwhelming sense of grief.

All I've ever wanted was a mother.  All I've ever gotten was an evil dictator, a boss, an abuser, an arch nemesis and a two-faced friend.

I seek to find peace for my world in pieces.
I need to find a way to relax.
All this stress from recent sadness and other life-insanity;
my anxiety cloud offering nothing but darkness, 
decompressing from my anxious mind that ending in something closely resembling Wile E. Coyote free falling 
- watching the boulder that was about to fall on him the whole way down - 
had me ready punch my microwave for beeping halfway through defrosting a steak tonight...

If you can't laugh at yourself, what can you do?

My 18 month journey into no longer reaching for familiar coping mechanisms has been tested greatly,
something that I've been trying my best to ignore.  
We all know how that goes.  

My white flag is flying for all to see.
It's not what I'm used to.

_________________________________________________________________________


The activity buddy
The something to do
I never intended to end up as something so lowly to a person
But what I allowed is what continued
And now here I am
Done with your shit and only myself to blame
Forever doomed with the purpose of showing you exactly how much I love you without the pleasure of ever saying it

~cynicallovebird

---------

Wrecking Ball was playing on the radio 
after we stopped spewing hatred at each other
For 350 days I never thought this day would come
The day where I don't know you anymore
I woke up this morning and the world looked like a completely different place
And it doesn't feel fair 
I saw a storm brewing but I never saw this coming.

You know that look that someone who once loved you gives you when you just became another person to them?

Yeah me neither.

It wasn't until I experienced true love that I saw that difference.

____________________________________________________________________

You don't get to make decisions for the both of us like I'm some invalid child who can't function and then wonder why I'm frustrated.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Laying on my bed in the sun on my day off I can't help but remember that this is the kind of day where you'd be here.  Making sure you implanted yourself in my world on a beautiful day so that I couldn't enjoy ever the slightest of joy.  Doing what you wanted, never what I needed.

_________________________________________________________

My name is Jessie, and I am a sex addict dating a man who wants basically nothing to do with sex.  Because it's better that way.
___________________________________________________________________

There's always a fork in the road.
The day comes when you wake up and decide that this isn't how you want to live your life anymore;
and you'll be fine with it.  
You can walk away from what isn't right for you.
No more breaking your nails holding onto what didn't fit for dear life because you couldn't admit you might be OK.
The fear is no longer overwhelming as as you own who you are and take the next turn,
you stare it straight in the eye and walk past it.
_________________________________________________________

I know that some things are better left unsaid
I just wish they weren't the same ones that needed to be
My mouth is full of Napalm and it won't keep quiet to meet that bar you've set  in your own comfort level
I'll blast through the bullshit you use as mortar
With your excuses and explainations
Brick by brick trying to keep me contained in your fairy tale of what fuckery really means.
_________________________________________________________________________________

My IQ is higher than the equivalent of the men I've slept with combined.
This is why I fell in love with you.
__________________________________________________________________

Good morning y'all.  Yes, I am posting a no makeup selfie on my way to the grocery store to fix my hankering for cookies.  Just wanted to throw out a reminder that if all you did was wake up and breathe today I'm still proud of you, and you definitely deserve a pat on the back for making it through by any means necessary.  I on the other hand, have put the bare minimum into my self care lately and I can definitely feel it.  And you also see it in my no fucks given, didn't even look in the mirror this morning as I quickly brush my teeth and ran out the door face.  Oh well, I'm just doing yard work.  Here's to hoping that everyone walking on the waterfront today has bad vision.
_______________________________________________________________

Why do single women take advice from other single women?  That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.
________________________________________________________________________________

People like to coin the phrase
"My inner child is a drunken whore".
I don't have a demon,
I have a devil in a blue dress.
She likes to scratch herself at the windows from inside my walls
The word sobriety to her is a puppy dog to play with,
and she likes to curl up inside the swoop of the b and tickle my fancy.
She loves power and she knows just which heart string to pull

6/18/18

_________________________________________________________

3/26/18

I'm so tired of boys using their former emotional traumas as an out to be a douchebag.

Yes Eric, the years of cheating on your wife and the stress of everyone expecting more from you than you can give them;  and your willingness to share that fact with me, totally wiped out not calling when you said you would and not treating me with any amount of basic human decency.

You didn't keep my number in your phone for 3 years and not use it because it's romantic, like you are hoping I'd find it to be.  No it's actually quite weird.  I kind of think that only reason I want to meet up with you is so I can delete it._________________________________________________________

2/23/18

I've reached exhaustion level *Leave my keys in the fridge and then cry after looking like a mad woman to find them*.  I don't even remember going to the fridge since I got home.  I quit.

I woke up feeling more useless than the "G" in lasagna.  Going to the gym is going to kick my ass.

_________________________________________________________1/29/18

I'm pretty sure that I've discovered that a therapist recommending that you write in your blog because I'm very good at it is pretty much the equivalent of a grandmother trying to convince you to eat everything in the house.
_________________________________________________________________________________

1/27/18

Sometimes my mind is as serene as my camp on Toddy Pond.
Other days,
like this day,
it's Thunder Hole.
Filled with crashing thoughts so loud I can't hear anything else.
________________________________________________________________________________

1/13/18

I have been spending the past year assessing feelings.  Figuring out why I do the things that suck when I do them.  I was honest out loud the other day.  It was painful.  Letting someone I am terrified of leaving me see me as I am.  I am an addict.  Not drugs.  Alcohol, sex and one night stands.  Getting to pretend that everything is fine for a little while.  Ignoring the fires.  I got really good at it.  As a kid growing up in mental health chaos I had plenty of practice.

I've pretty much stopped writing and modeling.  Nothing feels right.  My skin is crawling in this exposed and vulnerable state I've found myself in.

I've been avoiding social events.  It's as if trying to be healthier mentally has thrown gasoline on fear...of what though?  Happiness?

Oh for fuck's sake.

Brain, get it together.
________________________________________________________________________________

12/17/17

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm constantly jumping through hoops just to stay capable of some resemblence of Ok.

I don't feel like I can breathe without something else going wrong.  It's overwhelming.
_________________________________________________________________________________

12/7/17

I'm stuck between a rock and the person I'd like to hit with it.
________________________________________________________________________________

12/2/17

Reighan's brain, example 5,000:
You know what I just realized?  That all the beer names sound like they were made up by someone who was drunk from drinking the beer.
________________________________________________________________________________

11/24/17

I'm pursuing other options because I feel like I have to.  If this was something, then it would be enough for me.  But it's not because it isn't.  I want ownership.  I need something tangible that I can talk about and not feel weird because I don't know what to call it.
_________________________________________________________________________________

11/15/17

Self care isn't always manicures and drinks.  Sometimes, it's going to bed at 8 or letting go of someone who didn't know how to be good to you.  It's forgiving yourself for not meeting your impossible standards and understanding you are worth it even if it feels like every male on the planet doesn't see it.  Self care isn't a luxury, it's a means of survival;  and tonight my self care is curling up with my fleece lined leggings, my afghan that my mom made when I was little, ice cream, Netflix and forgetting all about the stupid planet because I survived the day and that's all I need to know right now.
_________________________________________________________________________________

11/5/17

Let me get this straight for a second, you have absolutely no interest in dating me or getting to know me at all.  However, you have somehow managed to make it you lifes mission to sit back and watch my dating life with the eyes of a hawk, and judge the shit out of everyone who wants to....why is that?
_________________________________________________________________________________

9/16/17

Being in my shoes isn't hard.
It's terrifying.
And the creepy clown waiting in the gutter is knowledge that with one wrong move I'm going to fail at everything.
_______________________________________________________________________________

8/7/17

A beginning and an ending can't be in the same space and you already decided which one you were going to be before I could decide for myself.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Extended Family

My heart bruised
It's all relative 
that we're all relatives
Yet you treat me as other
DNA not the same
Some shared
But how can we laugh over the same 3 Stooges
My gifts revered
But I'm given half the gifts
But all the same hugs and kisses
You take
My heart
My love
And give half back
Not yours
Expectations high
Keeps my confidence low
A dark shadow looming over
As if I
A child 
Was something to fear
I only wanted one to revere
You
A hole I'll never fill

~ Cynicallovebird

Closure

From the beginning, we were a tragedy;
in the agonizing instant I first saw your face,
I knew that I wanted to give you everything,
and that you had already stolen all of the things I had to offer
And then when my soul saw you it kind of went,
"Oh there you are.  I've been looking for you."
My infatuation, my desire, my lust for you was all consuming
Hell, I even trusted you

I miss you
Like, really miss you.
I feel the squeeze in the bottom of my heart when my mind says your name or sees your face.
When the wind whispers your voice.
The 4am sleeplessness,
not caused by writers block but by the whirlwind of dreams and memories dancing in my brain
The smile that forms when I imagine your laugh
that stupid grin you make when you see me doing something stupid.
I miss you.

I wore longing in my hair for a man who did not deserve to pull it.
But one thing that I will always be sure of
is that I'll never be sure how to know how to end and be a memory
I'll always be sure that I'll never be sorry for letting the world make me strong
I hope you hurt as you realize as you sift through the rubble of our memories
Admitting that your definition of love wasn't love at all;
But more a manipulation of hope.
And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back,
don't lie like I meant nothing.
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying:
"She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I destroyed her."

I went to our spot where the ocean devours the sand.
Desperately trying to ease my messy thoughts
I laid my body down on the cold ground waiting for gravity to cease.
I thought that maybe that's what it would take to move on from you.
The things you have done said that this was it,
that there was nothing here worth saving
and that we should set it ablaze and bury the ash
Which shocked me to my core and sort of confused me because
I thought you already did that.

I would like to say it's water under the bridge, but I'm not quite there yet.
After all, it was the water I nearly drowned in and the bridge you stood on, watching.