Love Monster

I will never forget how carefully you look at me when I'm describing 
the wreckage of who I am.
I have a exterior of strength and independence
and an interior that feels a certain neediness.
Much to my demise,
you seem to understand just the formula 
that is made solely to protect the fragile thing underneath;
Which is all of it.

I said I was busy
I was, but not in a way that most people would understand.
There is something inside of me that I've always been aware of;
a hollow core filled with all the emotions I could never let escape.
Then the day came when they found the key and I felt them all at once.
I've been lost in something scary;
My reality became nightmarish
and my mind was locked away and screaming;
my heart sobbing in the corner

Healthy?  Unhealthy?
Who knows.
I simply no longer had a choice.
In they crept;
Under my nails,
crawling beneath my skin,
forced down my throat to the pit of my stomach.
Sending me into a current too strong to control on my own.
And there you were.  
Just there.
In the one place that nobody has ever been allowed access to.

I was busy silencing irrational thoughts
I was busy calming my shattered heart.
I was busy convincing my mind that it was okay 
until it saw sunlight again.
Sometimes, this is my busy.

Don't be too quick to cuff yourself to my crazy
I'm a no-win situation
I need to be loved hard or not at all
Love,
Oh love,
it makes a monster out of me.

Thinking Over Coffee

You called me.
Your voice reeked of drama and desperation;
Even more so than usual. 
Telling me things I have no business to care about.
That was the part that was out of the ordinary for even you.
I guess we can just chalk it up to being another one of your testosterone driven attempts to wreak havoc upon my heart.
The disappointment in your voice 
at the realization that I wasn't buying was fascinating. 
And if I take a moment to admit it, satisfying, even.
Every time the story of us crosses my mind,
Little by little the importance you once held in me 
is chipped and falling away.
This morning I peeled myself away from my needy bed 
and brewed my espresso with gusto that today will be the day.
I sit watching the steam rise from my "Happily Divorced" mug 
and follow it to the intersection of hope and hopeless.
How am I supposed to forget you 
when even my morning coffee reminds me of you?
Hot and comforting.
Strong, bold, yet sweet.
Something that even I am convinced 
that I cannot get through my day without.
I might as well be squeezing 
my perpetually bleeding wound of a heart in my hands.
My nails dig in deeper and I gasp at the realization that I'm 
still waiting for the day to come where you cross my mind 
and I can't remember how long it's been since the last time.
The day that I stop worrying that I'll never be able to create art as beautiful as your curiously gentle grin.
Maybe I was selfish by begging you to pick me for once;
Just like a kid reacts when something they love 
is being taken away from them.
Bewildered that trying to make you gone from my head 
has made you even more present.
It's as if you can feel me saying goodbye to you. 
Just when I feel that I might be winning,
You seem to feel the need to reach out to prove me wrong.
I'll make you a deal:
You do the remembering for once,
While I do the forgetting for a change.
Maybe then our hearts will finally be even. 

Lust

I remember the first time I fell in love with sexuality.
I've been high off it ever since.
They carry it so casually;
As if you all have no clue my legs are threatening to give out beneath me.
I think that is what makes me so giddy.
That you have no idea how gorgeous you really are.
You are oblivious to what a girl would give to live wrapped in your eyes for just a day.
And the desire....

It's relentless.

My hands are on fire.
They ache terribly to reach out and touch
the stranger I've fallen deeply in love with.
My feet are planted firmly to the ground
And silently chastising the lesser of my being that aches to wrap myself around you.
I respect all that you are too much to pout or grovel or beg;
but to say that I was just as composed on the inside would be a flat out lie.

My heart is a graveyard.
Everything is buried in there as deeply and repressed as possible,
But when they talk about love,
I swear I feel them scratching at the back of my brain
Trying to make room for you.

I question.
I over think.
I insert fear into things that never carried any danger to begin with.
I leap off of sky scrapers built with my own mind.
Maybe this is nothing.
But what if it's everything?

So here I remain.
Planted.
Silently, painfully
Admiring the art of you, 

The stranger in the Hall.

Resignation

You always acted like you could live without me.
Why are you so angry?
I'm just helping you do it.

I somehow led myself to believe that you were much more magical than you really are.
I can't say who's at fault for that,
nor do I want to spend another millisecond trying to analyze and calculate blame.
I can't stand it when another person is unhappy
but they refuse to do anything about it in the interest of avoiding confrontation.
You cannot change what you don't confront.

Sometimes we make mistakes and when we do,
we aren't willing to just accept that maybe,
just maybe,
it's okay to admit that it doesn't work for us and move on.
Well, I have a secret to tell you:

If it doesn't feel right, it's because it's not right.

I never wanted wanted to be loved because I am good for you.
I'm not everything you have been looking for.
You made it clear that I'm not the one who gets under your skin;
Who made you unsteady.
You never questioned everything you've ever believed about love looking into my eyes.
The one you were infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to;
Like I was to you, unfortunately.

You say you think this time you've found the one in one breath
and tell me how miserable you are in the next;
but we both know you still spend time thinking about me.
The love I felt for you in my hands can't be replaced with her touch.

Congrats.
You drove a really good person away out of her life
because in your testosterone filled,
so-called manliness you felt so insecure that you had to prove that you could do it.
What the fuck have you won??
How many lies does this make now?
Did it make you feel any better that you destroyed a friendship?
Our friendship.
Her friendship.
Guess what?
A real person who is an adult,
would have been honest with you about them being in their life in the first place.
Any person with any amount of respect for themselves
would never allow another person who cares about them feel worthless
or question their role in that person's life.

None of that would matter to you if you were happy.

You were wrong about him, by the way.
You're not the better man.

I felt betrayal and loyalty tangled up in my hair.
I believed in beauty looking straight into your ugly truth.
We became the best and the worst for and from each other.
And it's all over now.

The saddest part of all is that you're giving her less love and she doesn't even realize this
because she's settled into a bed with someone who isn't even there.
But you're refusing to give up on what doesn't work for you
and holding everything that will at arms length out of your own ignorance.
I've found my voice and my strength and I'm moving on from you
And you're stuck with a bitch who lied.
And none of it matters now,
Because I'm done.

"These are all of the things that I love about you.  You're so trustworthy and amazing. I want you to always be yourself;  but in this one case don't do any of that.  Lose your integrity.  Drop your morals about twenty notches.....nope, lower......there ya go!  That's it.  Now, keep your mouth shut.  It's not lying if you keep your mouth shut."
No I won't.  Yes it is.  Fuck.  Directly.  Off. 

Happy Anniversary

I'm in love with you.
It's as simple,
and as complicated as that.

Love is not something you can end on purpose.
I should know,
I've thrown myself off of emotional cliffs and into oceans of alcohol trying to.
I can swear I'm moving on or do my best to forget you ever existed,
but inevitably I'll still be thinking about you.
Somehow you've always had a way of showing up.

A poem like ours can never truly be finished in the soul of a poet like me.
I suppose that this is why I keep coming back to you for inspiration.
I can't get rid of the nagging in the back of my mind
that I'll finally be able to make peace with our broken pieces.

Are you free tonight?
Let's meet at that place we always talked about going back to.
We should have a drink.
I think our demons should have a chat.
Perhaps they can finally take their claws out of our backs.

Please forgive me for all the things my eyes are screaming at you,
My brain never seems to shut the hell up.

You were born of the earth and I of the sea.
My eyes the color of the tumultuous green ocean and yours of the calm blue sky.
I feel like I'm always struggling to keep up with your ever calm heart 
With my ever racing mind.
I that can't help but feel like if I crash into you persistently enough
your beach will give in and fall into me;  but it hasn't yet.
I should know better by now.

I have always managed to expertly maneuver myself through waves of emotion
Refusing to glance back at all the things that I know I would feel 
If only I had allowed myself;
But something has always been in the undertow.
There are days I've spent watching you,
Feeling like I have to throw myself off of cliffs to hold your attention.
I don't get why;  
I've never been one to beg like a puppy dog.
Hell, I've never even been loyal half the time.

The ghosts of what ifs haunt me quietly.
There's a small place in my mind without any cracks.
It's a place I always revert back to when love tries to creep in;
And here now with you as my thoughts cease in my quieted mind
My heart sinks at the notion and wonder yet again
That if love is supposed to bring us higher
Then why are we letting it down by not being in love with each other.

I've never met someone who saw the traits in me that i detest and ignore
Instead everyone falls in love with only the ones that I keep polished
When we met I was busy sifting through the rubble of my broken heart;
All of this messiness was right out in the open
And you accepted me as I was at the time.
And I can't help but wonder if loving me would be easier
If I would just accept the fact these aspects of me exist 
Rather than apologize profusely for it.

On Sticky Notes

I have a constant need to get what is in my head out of it.  I have a sticky note app on my phone that is filled with nothing but random thoughts, things that inspire me, and at times racing thoughts dictated while doing other things when I can't be near a computer.  

 

Junkie

My addiction is not a drug.

It is touch.  
Yours, to be exact.
A simple hello infuses my veins with a high like none other I've experienced.
The crash that follows our goodbye is a withdrawal that I cannot bare.

I tell myself I'll walk away this time;
convince myself that there is no undertones in the way it makes my chest ache 
when your face lights up 
and we're talking about something that makes my nerd brain tingle. 
I shouldn't be so ashamed that it's not the first time I've said this.

I've had so many thoughts of you this morning that my espresso is as cold
as the winter nights I can't wait to spend kissing you.

I want to stow away inside your head.
Curl up and fall asleep each night listening to the way your gears turn.
You are fascinating; 
old, beat up hearts and new words and hope;
all things toned down and fired up;
craving the kind of things only understood through time and conversation 
and the once in a lifetime kind of connection sparked between only us.
You're the only thing in the universe that made me see all that remains of magic 
in places that I had forgotten to look for and believe in.

I don't know how or why I fell in love with you.
There is no "X marks the spot moment" in my timeline.
It's not that I'm saying that I am, or anything.
It just feels like it's something that's always been in me and I finally found who it was for.
Somehow coming to know you feels more like a memory from a past I've never forgotten.
A home I've tried to find my way back to.
Our souls are very old friends.
Your kiss is pure sweetness to me,
mostly because I had to suffer through most of my life without you in it first
and I don't want to ever feel that way again.

At times there is so much to say to you but I choose not to.
I fight the thoughts drowning my brain and struggling out of my mouth.
Not for my own sake,
but for the sake of mankind.
If I let it all out,
the fire inside me is going to burn everything to ashes.

When you found me I was a mess.
I detest that I wandered away from myself to get close to someone else.
It will never happen again.
I was so convinced that giving up on him would feel like a win.
Anything had to be better than that spinning vortex.
I can't explain the safe haven I've found when I'm near you.

It's hard to give up on someone who makes you feel like 
the depth of the world resides inside their eyes.
But like any addict, 
recovery will take multiple attempts before I rid you out of my system.
I don't even want to.
Your simple hello will haunt my life forever;
with or without you in it.

Kindly Fuck Off

Don't stare at me like that. You with those eyes that stare into my soul like you're looking deep inside yourself

Don't make me crave your presence

Don't tell me I'm the only when there have been dozens that you've let into that black hole you call a heart

Don't just do something, do THAT THING, the thing that will make me stay

Don't make me trust you.

Love you

Need you

Don't make me feel like I can tell you anything when I can't

Don't make my walls crumble and not help me pick up the pieces

Don't treat me like I'm a human to you, and do human things to me and then expect me to have the feelings of a cyborg

Don't make my body remember you

Crave you like a drug

Don't make me feel like you have my back and take my side and then leave

Don't make me hope for someday, the day that you'll finally take your head out of your ass

Don't throw the pieces of my walls back over your shoulder like just another obstacle to get to what you really want out of me

Don't sit back and watch my scramble and squirm routine, picking up the pieces of my broken heart that I wasn't sure existed until you destroyed it

I'm good

You can kindly fuck off now

I've got it from here

Time Warp

This modern love is not enough for an old-fashioned girl like me.
Give me a time machine and take me to the exact moment the person who I want to be with forever figures out that I exist.
Give me a time when the way you look at me like you do meant that you felt every feeling for me from the pit of your soul instead of the fact that you simply don't have one.
Give me a time before technology;
before the internet made it easy to realize that I'm not the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Give me a time when "I love you" meant something that wasn't thrown away.
Give me at time when one person was it - forever.
Give me a time when unconditional didn't depend on what day of the week it was.
Give me a time when assholes were something to be shunned rather than pined over.  
Give me a time when holding hands and weekends and breakfast in bed existed. 
Give me a time when it was okay to voice your needs without being needy because everyone else needed this shit too. 

-Cynicallovebird

-Dictated while driving into my sticky note app on my phone.  Yes, hands free.  6/2/2016

Dear Me

"If love could talk she wouldn't;  she knows there are no words to explain what happened.  She would just hold me, stroke my cheek, and let her tears speak the truth."  

- The Poetry Bandit

Dear the me that I'll be when I'm ready for this message,

If you really want to heal, you're going to have to admit to some shit.  It truly is time to drag this out into the light and realize that things meant for you won't turn to ash and disappear when you do.

I'm am not going to mince words with you.  I am not going to coddle you and tell you all the  things you want to hear.  I am not going to give an autopsy report on what happened, whether you wanted to see it or not, you were there.  Admit that he broke you;  made you weak and took that self worth that you always held dear.  Admit that while you have always taken great pride in the fact that your life has not once replicated an episode of daytime television, things went down the path of the cheesiest of soap operas.  And you enjoyed watching it all unfold while refusing to accept that you were the one that it was all happening to.

You could have stopped it, you were smart enough.  You knew exactly how it would end before it even started.  I know, I know.  Just one look into his eyes and your paper thin walls that you love to pretend that are made out of titanium fell like they were held up with mere staples instead of rivets, but seriously!  You knew better.  I'm just saying this because tough love is necessary and because I know that you can handle it when you're ready to accept it.  Sack up!  You are better than this.

Admit that you allowed it to happen because from the beginning you were never really in love with yourself enough to love someone else.  I know that you feel completely worthless with your heart shattered in a million pieces, but from where I'm standing it resembles the stars.  You've forgotten who you are, and it hurts to see this happening to you.

Cover it up.  Go ahead and do what you always do best.  Deflect the real feelings with the void fillers of false adoration from the guys you're talking to in your half-assed attempt to replace the way he made you feel.  Whatever you do, liver and I insist that you stay the hell away from alcohol.  Drunk us doesn't need to act like a frat boy right now.  Maybe throw a little time with nature and some yoga in there too for good measure.  I know you hate to be alone with yourself because your mind doesn't stop racing, but you also know what quiets it and he wasn't the only thing that did.  The easy way out is poison for the soul.

Admit that you allowed yourself to fall without any real reciprocation.  That your misplaced need for love caused you to blindly catch feelings for a man we barely even knew (but could see...).  Everything was perfect when we were together; but when we weren't, you were always the furthest thing from his mind.  You always had to fight so hard to maintain his attention when you weren't fucking his brains out.  That's not love;  but you were so unbelievably and blindly convinced that you loved him because in your eager rush to dive in that you never really got to know what this person was all about and you were still so in love with the perfect image you had painted for yourself in your mind that you refused to see anything else.

It was a lightening strike.  Your world was feeling a little lackluster after the clusterfuck you went through.  In a world where you felt nothing special was happening, he was something quite extraordinary.  It was a lie. Brilliant and beautiful.  Then suddenly nothing was left but dead space and burning weeds.  Admit that you're better off moving on from them because in the end all that matters is what's left of your pride.  And yes, it is okay to admit that it's bruised worse than your head the time you flipped the kayak getting into it and almost drowned yourself two summers ago, you're just going to have to walk away from the mess even if you have to limp the whole way.  

You're smarter than that.  You're stronger than this.  And I'm writing this now, because I know it.  All of it.  But you, you poor, poor broken soul who took a chance to see just how deep your heart really is doesn't understand it right now.  And that's okay.  You will.  And I'll be waiting when you do.

Sincerely, Your Brain

Falling In Autumn

Over the past month I have found solace in walking alone on the trails in my town.  Just a girl and her dog in silence that pulls the peace into your soul like a forgiving friend.  Even though fall has always been my favorite season once I've been able to admit that it was finally here, I have never been one for admitting that I was seeing the seasons change;  that I didn't see the tops of the trees turning colors.  The treetops were changing colors, but someone low to the ground, such as my 5'3" self, the middle and bottoms of the trees were very much stuck in summer mode.  It was as if my heart believed that if I kept my eyes to the ground or straight ahead I didn't have to admit to the inevitable changing of the seasons.  But, since most of the trees are now changed entirely and all change is inevitable, I have found myself enjoying the sky again.  Besides, you can't enjoy the beautiful sunset or make up stories about the characters in the clouds, if you don't look up.

And change is going to come, whether you like it or not.

Even though logic screamed from the tiny cage she kept locked 
in the dark lair of her mind 
that laying on a grenade would hurt a million times less 
than being in love with him, 
she couldn't help it.

Giving him an unparalleled access to wreck her entirely,
she wanted him.  
It didn't matter how she had him in her life, 
she had him, 
and that was the only knowledge that her heart would accept.

Friends. 
His kiss was not that of a friend.  
The fire in his eyes when he looked at her from across the room 
was something that she'd never seen before
and it hit her square in the chest like a deer in headlights. 

So what if it was falling that she was afraid of?  
She was fine with hiding from commitment 
convincing each other that they were just friends.  
She learned to ignore how she couldn't ignore 
the way that the curve of his smile made her chest ache.
How her brain lit up at the sound of his hello.
He learned how to connect her freckles like constellations
and how his touch caused her to simultaneously catch fire and relax.

And they found peace in each other's inner chaos.
All the while pretending they weren't falling like leaves in October. 

Know Me Better

I see you, but not like I once did.

I know you now and I miss the way you looked at me when I didn't.

I want your love but I guess your likes will have to do.

We have both walked away from everyone in our lives 

Before they could walk away from us.

What's the chance we would be each other's exception?

Praying for someone to save you is an unfair thing to do 

If you're the one starting all the fires.

I found a lonely corner of the world to lay my solidarity

And found you fighting to do the same.

Although it took forever to find you,

It only took one skip of my heartbeat to know I was home.

I knew all the time that you were near and I didn't have to see you to know it.

I could feel you.

The atmosphere feels different when we are near.

I'd love nothing more than to be your Saturday night,

But I long to be your lazy Sunday morning.

I won't make myself a place in your life;

Only you have the ability to do that.

I know that all I can do is offer you a place in mine.

But stop dickering around like a car salesman of asses.

I won't hold vacancy for you too much longer.

And then you grin because you know me better than that.  

I have to warn you before we start that you should run.

I could never lose interest in your touch.

Forget you ever met me and don't look back.

For if I let you in, and you destroy me

I will break you and I won't regret it.

If you wanted to be here you would be.

I didn't fall for you, your smile tripped me.

It still feels grotesquely unkind of the universe to do this 

Since you clearly have no intentions of loving me.

Making me crave the untamed hope that is being in love with you.

One of my biggest flaws is my ability to see Red Flags in people from a distance,

Yet I continue to travel towards them and develop a closeness,

Because I have to make sure the color was real.

Second chances have never been a problem for me.

I tend to give eight or ten before I realize I'm a fucking idiot.

I never want to be kept guessing.

With every second that passes 

And every breath that escapes your beautiful mouth  

I want to make sure that you know that 

You're the one my soul has craved in the darkest hours of the night.

My heart is not something that you want to be up for grabs.

Once you're booted out of it there's no coming back.

My memory loves you.....

It must.  It asks about you all the time.

And then you grin, 

because you know me better than that.

Current Situation In Song

Quieted

      He laid his head on her lap with his eyes closed as if she was the most comforting place in the world and her chaotic mind quieted in the way she had only experienced once before in the presence of the grandmother she was still haunted by.
      She noticed he was relaxing under her hands as she continued to feel his anguish from the inner workings of his mind fade away while she held him closer;  letting everything she held in her heart for him ooze out of her burning fingertips.
      She felt him start to become aroused when she moved his hand he held over his heart as if he was trying to hold in everything he was feeling and her finger grazed his nipple; knowing full well that he always loved it she continued to do so.
      Mentally prepared for it to be commanded to a halt as she was convinced that he was over her, she continued as his breath grew quicker and he melted into her like a sundae cone in July.
      "What are you doing to me?"  He groaned under his breath looking up at her with one eye.
      "I'm not sure," she said breathlessly.  For she was genuinely perplexed at this reaction that she had gotten from a man that she never thought she would have her hands on again.


To be continued....

It Happens

Have you ever found yourself so happy that you're afraid to be happy?

Like if you say anything about it, 

the Universe will take note and explode just so that you don't have it anymore.

This look on my face?

Someone who has become important to me put that there.

Repeatedly they have said exactly what I needed 

to brighten my day enough to lift the gloom.  

I didn't see what they would mean to me when I met them.

Frankly, I almost said screw it and didn't.

Sometimes, when we are able to see past the situation that we're in 

and take a leap of faith something amazing happens, 

and we meet someone who doesn't treat us like everyone else 

because they see us for who we are.

Happiness.  It happens.