Mine aren't exactly exploding, but every time I turn around there is a bunch of crap that either doesn't belong where it is or has no home in my house.
My love of buying stuff to organize my house and projects and yard sales and Goodwill may be getting a little out of hand. Like level "Call In The Intervention Squad". Seriously, I have a tote of boxes and organizing "tools" that I have accumulated because "it would work perfectly to hold all of my xyz's".
The kicker is that I have already gotten rid of a crap ton of stuff. I just had a yard sale a month ago and (much to my relief) sold almost everything that I had in it. Last year I had two when I was downsizing in preparation for a huge relocation this year that didn't happen. I'm still peeved about the decision to get rid of my camping equipment and some pictures that he didn't like for the sake of merging households.
I just cleaned again and found another two tote boxes of stuff in my living room and my bedroom. I haven't gone through the kids closets yet and I know that they've got a ton of books that they've outgrown. And then there's the clothes... why can't they stop growing?
I am one of those moms that if my kids could be four years old forever I would sign up immediately.....
Picture it: The willingness to do things without a fight. The not staying in bed all freaking day long. Not eating everything in the house in one day. I'm trying to find the beauty in having two teens in the house. I'm not finding it. They're gross. They shower only to walk across the room and smell like a gym when they get to the other side. They are also funny. Then there's their uncanny ability to help me pick out my clothes and make sure that I don't leave the house with 2 left flip flops on. **That might have happened once** However getting them to do ANYTHING or getting anything done in the house....well let's just say it would be easier to come out of the shower clean after using chocolate cake as body wash.
And then there's the uncertainty of the future. Having faith that I am doing everything that I can to raise good human beings. Hoping that one day they will be out in the world by themselves and doing ok because right now it could go either way.
My daughter has an autism spectrum disorder called Pervasive Developmental Disorder. I am very worried about her ability to live independently and she has never really expressed interest in getting married or relationships. Yesterday we were all watching one of the Twilight movies and during the wedding scene, she goes "Ugh. When I get married it's going to be very short, like 2 minutes long. Enough for us to just get it over with and very small."
I'm ruined, in a good way for once. When did I turn into this feel all the feelings that doesn't want to be a strong independent woman but needs a man by my side as a decision making partner thing happen?
Room. Spinning. Throat. Closing.
I have spent most of my life feeling like I'm someone that's easy to walk away from. It haunts me on a daily basis. I have always operated under the assumption that I care about everyone else more than they care about me. I feel like a terrible mother most of the time. I wake up terrified every day that my partner will wake up and realize just how much crazy he's gotten himself into, and I'm grateful for every day that he doesn't. I love Thunder storms, it's lightning that I'm terrified of. I was bullied a lot as a kid and I secretly love that all their asses are now fat and their husbands are cheating bastards. I have always loved the smell of a freshly opened tube of paint and blank canvas, of freshly sharpened pencils and the feel of crisp paper. It has always meant that creativity was to be had and that I got to forget for awhile. Right now I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to check out or forget anything.
Right. In. The. Feels. All of them.
And that was pretty much the sentiment for most of Thursday.
Wednesday I got my teeth fixed. One on the bottom needed to be shaved down because it was sticking up higher than the rest of them and pressing on the back of my front tooth. It is going to take some getting used to in terms of how it feels but it looks amazing. No more yellow glue! And I don't have to have my wisdom teeth pulled like I previously thought. I don't have any cavities and they're not impacted so there's no point. Works for me!
My son has started Robotics at school. He is stupid excited about it. He makes my brain hurt with his intelligence sometimes. He also has his first Scout pack outing Sunday. I am trying my best to think positively about it, but it's an almost 20 mile bike trip. I'm lucky if I can get him outside long enough to let the dogs out. Maybe being surrounded by other boys his own age encouraging him on will be what he needs. Still doing therapy, 8 hours has reduced to 6 3x per week.
I also want to make it known that I have changed my settings. No more "friendly Anonymous tips" about what you think is happening. I graduated in 1999. I left High School behind. My blog, feelings and brain are not a playground. Even though I am 90% positive I know who this "friendly" person is, I won't go there. I'm done. I won't respond to any more crap. The crap is crap that I'm trying to get away from. You are not my friend hiding behind secrecy. I don't like you and it doesn't matter that I don't know who you are. I don't like liars, and I hate gossipers and mean girls who attempt to create chaos in another person's life to hurt them on purpose even more. Thank you for telling me that you think that I'm funny and real and that I deserve good things like I wasn't already totally aware, but I didn't accept the compliment as if you were someone who actually gave a shit. You only said it because I refuse to go into details of my relationship and you wanted to meddle. I guess you aren't the kind of person that cares about other people's wishes if they mean something to you. And that's who you are. Not who I am. If you are logged into your Google account and have the cajones to comment, then and only then will we have something to say to each other. And if your comment has something to do with anything pertaining to more gossipy bullshit, then I will not respond.
Good Day.
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