Father's Day...

....can suck it. Don't give me this crap sentiment about how this day is for single moms too. It is so not.

Some things that my son has been saying to me over the past week has opened up a firey pit of rage inside of me. He has always voiced a wish, not even a wish, a need to have a man in his life to spend time with him and teach him "manly things".  Perceived or real or whatever, it's there and he voices it almost weekly.

I just want to scream and rant about how much I hate Father's Day because it kills me that my kids don't have a single male role model in their lives.

But I won't.

I also won't lose my shit to your face like I want to with every eye role you give because they don't make sense to you.

I'm not sorry that my laa-tee-da free to be you and me lessons of acceptance and peace and love are too much for you to handle, given that I am much too busy busting my ass bringing up my children to NOT be judgemental, bullying assholes like you are.

I also won't say that breaking a child down every time you do see them and refusing to be a role model in a child's life because they don't have the same interests as you is not loving them.

I also won't say that after putting up with your shit because they have to for the past 11 and 14 years, they aren't even happy to see you anymore. But they do love you anyways, because I have raised them to love everyone for the assholes that they truly are. And they continue to consistently hope that the next time that they see you that you will finally be able to just be nice to them about something.

It kills me. Especially when I am so busy praying that you won't treat your own children they way that you treat mine that I can't even be happy for you.

You are worse than the male that helped bring them into the world who chose to stay completely out of the picture.

Around but absent. A much better term for what you are, since selfish bastard is the only thing that comes to mind when I think of you the rest of the time.

You know who you are. Kiss my ass.

Instead, I will say that even though I don't get to see my dad as much as I'd like, we have a fantastic relationship. Later today the kids and I are making him dinner. He deserves our time.

INSTEAD, I will just continue to watch YouTube videos on how to tie a tie at Christmas for my son.

Instead, I will teach them the awesomeness that are action films and burping contests.

Instead, I will teach my kids that hugs and feelings are not bad things.

Instead, I will be the one to teach them how to fish and camp.

Instead, I will just continue to be who I am, as I am because I don't know who or what else to be. Not their friend. Not their father. THEIR MOTHER.

Clarity, Camp and Conundrums, Oh My!

I swear, the second I come out of my fog of misery, the rest of the Universe has to go crazier just to prove that it still can. 

I've had the past 3 days off.  Today I'm back at work.  There are no words.

I got a lot accomplished during my time off, that's a plus.  It was also very healing, as I had some moments of solitude....NAPS.  Ok, they were naps.  And binge watching Grey's Anatomy.  Still, it was nice to be able to do that free of interruptions.

My dad's family has a camp in Surry on a lake.  My aunt (mom's sister) wants to use it during the end of June and she's never been there.  We went to go check it out on Wednesday to see if it's something that she would want.  I love it, but my sister never did when we were kids and dad took us camping there overnight.  She'd complain the entire time.  And loons are scary at 3 a.m.  There is no electricity, no running water - just nature and memories.  It's my sanctuary.  We got onto the road, and my heart fell.  The road was blocked by fallen trees.  I couldn't just turn around I had to go make sure that the cabin that has been in our family since the 40's was still standing.  And so we went, over and under and around, we got through about 20 fallen trees over the course of a half mile.  The second I saw the cabin coming around the corner, I was even more determined to get there.  There was not a single tree down near the cabin or in the clearing at all.  We got back to the car, nearly in one piece.  Pretty much looking like we were raised by wolves.  There's a lot of work to do, but I am at peace. 

And, even though it peed on me, I saved a painted turtle from getting hit by a car.

I am faced with another dilemma.  Of course that could never stay away.  To explain what is going on would be to do the thing that I was asked not to do.  I'm ready to say fuck it.  All I have to say, vaguely, is that I should not have to hide anything about my life just to have someone be a part of it.  And I am not going to, ever again. 

Not much happening in the dating world.  I'm still talking to all the same people, just thinking that doing my own thing for awhile isn't a bad thing.  Besides, if I am going to primp anything for anyone other than myself there better be some damn romance involved for a change.  I like hand holding and talking to each other like a human.  I am a very open person and I am up front about my interests, but seriously?  Time and place, people!  I like wearing pretty dresses and heels.  I don't like someone questioning who I'm wearing them for.  It's so hard for people to accept the fact that I don't do it for anyone but myself because I look good in them and I like who I am.  I also like who I am when I go to the store in my pajamas when the kids decide we need ice cream to go with our movie and I've already changed.

No fucks given, most of the time. 

"If you want something you've never had before, you need to do things you've never done before."  Is that how the saying goes?  If not then y'all can quote me as the one who put it that way. 

Figured out how I'm going to finish my tattoo.  A picture that I came upon when I was looking at someone's facebook page prompted it to all come together.  It's only been a year.  What can I say?  I am the first one to admit that my decision making skills resemble that of a squirrel crossing the road. 

 My daughter seems to have come out of her funk also.  I am much less concerned.  Her room is clean.  She's voicing her feelings.  Willingly picking up after herself.  Showering. Eating.  Cooking.  Actually it's coming from both kids, but her recent shut down scared the crap out of me.  She has never dealt with changes well and then end of the school year seems to always been especially hard for her.  She thrives in routine and during the summer there really isn't one. 

Yesterday was the last day of school.  I fought the temptation to drink heavily and cry.  Instead I paid money for plants that I will inevitably kill and spray paint to make old things new again.  Purple chandelier, anyone?  Maybe just for me :)

H.E. Double Hockey Sticks, PhD

Life, it's hard.

Sometimes it downright sucks.  Yerp, I said it.  I'm embracing the sad today.  I'm done fighting it.  I've decided that if it's going to stick around, we might as well spoon.

Single parenthood.  It's hard. 

On one hand, I thank every entity in the Universe that I do not have the custody/co-parenting struggle crap that most parents go through that screw kids up worse than a merry-go-round at the fair. On the other hand, I genuinely believe that I am completely screwing them up. 

Especially when you have two kids with completely seperate, very different problems and needs both emotionally and psychologically.   The girl child gets so depressed that she can't get out of bed and  the boy child doesn't understand it so he gets super angry and confrontational about her getting to stay home and he can't.  

It's not a huge secret that since early childhood I have suffered from mental illness.  Ever since my children were brought into this world I have prayed both that I wouldn't let it affect how I am as a mother and that they would not know the Black Hole. I have found more than ever lately that I am not so lucky on either end of that prayer.  I have become fairly open about it since staying home and wallowing are not options for everyday normal life - whatever that is.  Self care is important, and instead of fighting with my emotions in unhealthy ways, I do what I need to do to get through it.  Mostly because I can't run away from myself.  A little because shadows follow you wherever you go.

Like today for example;  super stressed out.  Have a lot on my plate and need time that I don't have to get it all done.  Still trying to wrap my brain around why someone would take on a "per diem" job and then never cover at any time they are needed.  Hence why I spent the first 3 hours of my 9 hour shift failing at warding off the inevitable panic attack that ensued.  I got a break, ate a huge greasy cheeseburger.  I'm better now, panic attack wise.  At least for the time being.  Don't judge.  A cheeseburger is on the lower end of the self harm scale, given what coping mechanisms just one panic attack used to pull out of me.  I've also found that cleaning and organizing helps too.  This week I have managed to get rid of 8 trash bags of stuff going through the house, and I'm not done with the kid's room or the basement yet.  See, productive.  Much less harmful.

Last night, I opened myself up in a way that I have never done before, ever.  I was talking to someone who has become a dear friend about how much they had to drink the weekend before.  We talked about addictions, coping skills, the root cause of what brought ours out.  I've never really had someone in my life who understood all of me.  I think I finally do.  It's actually nice to be able to tell someone what you have been through and who doesn't just smile and nod or ask a million questions because they have no idea how it feels.  Someone that I'm not afraid to say what I need to say to because for some reason, they just get it.  It's...settling.

Today, Mr. Seven Year Itch came over.  He mowed my lawn and took me out to breakfast to try and help me feel better.  It didn't work, but it was at least a nice break from reality.  He bought me a dress for our next shoot.  It's adorable.  If I were in a different place emotionally this blog would probably be entirely about how I feel when I wear it. 

Money is truly the root of all evil. I am really tired of the fact that 90% of my stress is from not ever having enough of it.  It would be nice if I got child support.  I don't.  Thinking that finding a creative, non-illegal form of second income is going to be needed, and soon.

Over the hills and through the woods, I have become really good at keeping my shit together.   Lately, not so much.  Or maybe I'm just better at it than I think I am.