Please forgive me for all the things my eyes are screaming at you,
My brain never seems to shut the hell up.

You were born of the earth and I of the sea.
My eyes the color of the tumultuous green ocean and yours of the calm blue sky.
I feel like I'm always struggling to keep up with your ever calm heart 
With my ever racing mind.
I that can't help but feel like if I crash into you persistently enough
your beach will give in and fall into me;  but it hasn't yet.
I should know better by now.

I have always managed to expertly maneuver myself through waves of emotion
Refusing to glance back at all the things that I know I would feel 
If only I had allowed myself;
But something has always been in the undertow.
There are days I've spent watching you,
Feeling like I have to throw myself off of cliffs to hold your attention.
I don't get why;  
I've never been one to beg like a puppy dog.
Hell, I've never even been loyal half the time.

The ghosts of what ifs haunt me quietly.
There's a small place in my mind without any cracks.
It's a place I always revert back to when love tries to creep in;
And here now with you as my thoughts cease in my quieted mind
My heart sinks at the notion and wonder yet again
That if love is supposed to bring us higher
Then why are we letting it down by not being in love with each other.

I've never met someone who saw the traits in me that i detest and ignore
Instead everyone falls in love with only the ones that I keep polished
When we met I was busy sifting through the rubble of my broken heart;
All of this messiness was right out in the open
And you accepted me as I was at the time.
And I can't help but wonder if loving me would be easier
If I would just accept the fact these aspects of me exist 
Rather than apologize profusely for it.

On Sticky Notes

I have a constant need to get what is in my head out of it.  I have a sticky note app on my phone that is filled with nothing but random thoughts, things that inspire me, and at times racing thoughts dictated while doing other things when I can't be near a computer.  

 

Junkie

My addiction is not a drug.

It is touch.  
Yours, to be exact.
A simple hello infuses my veins with a high like none other I've experienced.
The crash that follows our goodbye is a withdrawal that I cannot bare.

I tell myself I'll walk away this time;
convince myself that there is no undertones in the way it makes my chest ache 
when your face lights up 
and we're talking about something that makes my nerd brain tingle. 
I shouldn't be so ashamed that it's not the first time I've said this.

I've had so many thoughts of you this morning that my espresso is as cold
as the winter nights I can't wait to spend kissing you.

I want to stow away inside your head.
Curl up and fall asleep each night listening to the way your gears turn.
You are fascinating; 
old, beat up hearts and new words and hope;
all things toned down and fired up;
craving the kind of things only understood through time and conversation 
and the once in a lifetime kind of connection sparked between only us.
You're the only thing in the universe that made me see all that remains of magic 
in places that I had forgotten to look for and believe in.

I don't know how or why I fell in love with you.
There is no "X marks the spot moment" in my timeline.
It's not that I'm saying that I am, or anything.
It just feels like it's something that's always been in me and I finally found who it was for.
Somehow coming to know you feels more like a memory from a past I've never forgotten.
A home I've tried to find my way back to.
Our souls are very old friends.
Your kiss is pure sweetness to me,
mostly because I had to suffer through most of my life without you in it first
and I don't want to ever feel that way again.

At times there is so much to say to you but I choose not to.
I fight the thoughts drowning my brain and struggling out of my mouth.
Not for my own sake,
but for the sake of mankind.
If I let it all out,
the fire inside me is going to burn everything to ashes.

When you found me I was a mess.
I detest that I wandered away from myself to get close to someone else.
It will never happen again.
I was so convinced that giving up on him would feel like a win.
Anything had to be better than that spinning vortex.
I can't explain the safe haven I've found when I'm near you.

It's hard to give up on someone who makes you feel like 
the depth of the world resides inside their eyes.
But like any addict, 
recovery will take multiple attempts before I rid you out of my system.
I don't even want to.
Your simple hello will haunt my life forever;
with or without you in it.

Kindly Fuck Off

Don't stare at me like that. You with those eyes that stare into my soul like you're looking deep inside yourself

Don't make me crave your presence

Don't tell me I'm the only when there have been dozens that you've let into that black hole you call a heart

Don't just do something, do THAT THING, the thing that will make me stay

Don't make me trust you.

Love you

Need you

Don't make me feel like I can tell you anything when I can't

Don't make my walls crumble and not help me pick up the pieces

Don't treat me like I'm a human to you, and do human things to me and then expect me to have the feelings of a cyborg

Don't make my body remember you

Crave you like a drug

Don't make me feel like you have my back and take my side and then leave

Don't make me hope for someday, the day that you'll finally take your head out of your ass

Don't throw the pieces of my walls back over your shoulder like just another obstacle to get to what you really want out of me

Don't sit back and watch my scramble and squirm routine, picking up the pieces of my broken heart that I wasn't sure existed until you destroyed it

I'm good

You can kindly fuck off now

I've got it from here

Time Warp

This modern love is not enough for an old-fashioned girl like me.
Give me a time machine and take me to the exact moment the person who I want to be with forever figures out that I exist.
Give me a time when the way you look at me like you do meant that you felt every feeling for me from the pit of your soul instead of the fact that you simply don't have one.
Give me a time before technology;
before the internet made it easy to realize that I'm not the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Give me a time when "I love you" meant something that wasn't thrown away.
Give me at time when one person was it - forever.
Give me a time when unconditional didn't depend on what day of the week it was.
Give me a time when assholes were something to be shunned rather than pined over.  
Give me a time when holding hands and weekends and breakfast in bed existed. 
Give me a time when it was okay to voice your needs without being needy because everyone else needed this shit too. 

-Cynicallovebird

-Dictated while driving into my sticky note app on my phone.  Yes, hands free.  6/2/2016

Dear Me

"If love could talk she wouldn't;  she knows there are no words to explain what happened.  She would just hold me, stroke my cheek, and let her tears speak the truth."  

- The Poetry Bandit

Dear the me that I'll be when I'm ready for this message,

If you really want to heal, you're going to have to admit to some shit.  It truly is time to drag this out into the light and realize that things meant for you won't turn to ash and disappear when you do.

I'm am not going to mince words with you.  I am not going to coddle you and tell you all the  things you want to hear.  I am not going to give an autopsy report on what happened, whether you wanted to see it or not, you were there.  Admit that he broke you;  made you weak and took that self worth that you always held dear.  Admit that while you have always taken great pride in the fact that your life has not once replicated an episode of daytime television, things went down the path of the cheesiest of soap operas.  And you enjoyed watching it all unfold while refusing to accept that you were the one that it was all happening to.

You could have stopped it, you were smart enough.  You knew exactly how it would end before it even started.  I know, I know.  Just one look into his eyes and your paper thin walls that you love to pretend that are made out of titanium fell like they were held up with mere staples instead of rivets, but seriously!  You knew better.  I'm just saying this because tough love is necessary and because I know that you can handle it when you're ready to accept it.  Sack up!  You are better than this.

Admit that you allowed it to happen because from the beginning you were never really in love with yourself enough to love someone else.  I know that you feel completely worthless with your heart shattered in a million pieces, but from where I'm standing it resembles the stars.  You've forgotten who you are, and it hurts to see this happening to you.

Cover it up.  Go ahead and do what you always do best.  Deflect the real feelings with the void fillers of false adoration from the guys you're talking to in your half-assed attempt to replace the way he made you feel.  Whatever you do, liver and I insist that you stay the hell away from alcohol.  Drunk us doesn't need to act like a frat boy right now.  Maybe throw a little time with nature and some yoga in there too for good measure.  I know you hate to be alone with yourself because your mind doesn't stop racing, but you also know what quiets it and he wasn't the only thing that did.  The easy way out is poison for the soul.

Admit that you allowed yourself to fall without any real reciprocation.  That your misplaced need for love caused you to blindly catch feelings for a man we barely even knew (but could see...).  Everything was perfect when we were together; but when we weren't, you were always the furthest thing from his mind.  You always had to fight so hard to maintain his attention when you weren't fucking his brains out.  That's not love;  but you were so unbelievably and blindly convinced that you loved him because in your eager rush to dive in that you never really got to know what this person was all about and you were still so in love with the perfect image you had painted for yourself in your mind that you refused to see anything else.

It was a lightening strike.  Your world was feeling a little lackluster after the clusterfuck you went through.  In a world where you felt nothing special was happening, he was something quite extraordinary.  It was a lie. Brilliant and beautiful.  Then suddenly nothing was left but dead space and burning weeds.  Admit that you're better off moving on from them because in the end all that matters is what's left of your pride.  And yes, it is okay to admit that it's bruised worse than your head the time you flipped the kayak getting into it and almost drowned yourself two summers ago, you're just going to have to walk away from the mess even if you have to limp the whole way.  

You're smarter than that.  You're stronger than this.  And I'm writing this now, because I know it.  All of it.  But you, you poor, poor broken soul who took a chance to see just how deep your heart really is doesn't understand it right now.  And that's okay.  You will.  And I'll be waiting when you do.

Sincerely, Your Brain

Falling In Autumn

Over the past month I have found solace in walking alone on the trails in my town.  Just a girl and her dog in silence that pulls the peace into your soul like a forgiving friend.  Even though fall has always been my favorite season once I've been able to admit that it was finally here, I have never been one for admitting that I was seeing the seasons change;  that I didn't see the tops of the trees turning colors.  The treetops were changing colors, but someone low to the ground, such as my 5'3" self, the middle and bottoms of the trees were very much stuck in summer mode.  It was as if my heart believed that if I kept my eyes to the ground or straight ahead I didn't have to admit to the inevitable changing of the seasons.  But, since most of the trees are now changed entirely and all change is inevitable, I have found myself enjoying the sky again.  Besides, you can't enjoy the beautiful sunset or make up stories about the characters in the clouds, if you don't look up.

And change is going to come, whether you like it or not.

Even though logic screamed from the tiny cage she kept locked 
in the dark lair of her mind 
that laying on a grenade would hurt a million times less 
than being in love with him, 
she couldn't help it.

Giving him an unparalleled access to wreck her entirely,
she wanted him.  
It didn't matter how she had him in her life, 
she had him, 
and that was the only knowledge that her heart would accept.

Friends. 
His kiss was not that of a friend.  
The fire in his eyes when he looked at her from across the room 
was something that she'd never seen before
and it hit her square in the chest like a deer in headlights. 

So what if it was falling that she was afraid of?  
She was fine with hiding from commitment 
convincing each other that they were just friends.  
She learned to ignore how she couldn't ignore 
the way that the curve of his smile made her chest ache.
How her brain lit up at the sound of his hello.
He learned how to connect her freckles like constellations
and how his touch caused her to simultaneously catch fire and relax.

And they found peace in each other's inner chaos.
All the while pretending they weren't falling like leaves in October. 

Know Me Better

I see you, but not like I once did.

I know you now and I miss the way you looked at me when I didn't.

I want your love but I guess your likes will have to do.

We have both walked away from everyone in our lives 

Before they could walk away from us.

What's the chance we would be each other's exception?

Praying for someone to save you is an unfair thing to do 

If you're the one starting all the fires.

I found a lonely corner of the world to lay my solidarity

And found you fighting to do the same.

Although it took forever to find you,

It only took one skip of my heartbeat to know I was home.

I knew all the time that you were near and I didn't have to see you to know it.

I could feel you.

The atmosphere feels different when we are near.

I'd love nothing more than to be your Saturday night,

But I long to be your lazy Sunday morning.

I won't make myself a place in your life;

Only you have the ability to do that.

I know that all I can do is offer you a place in mine.

But stop dickering around like a car salesman of asses.

I won't hold vacancy for you too much longer.

And then you grin because you know me better than that.  

I have to warn you before we start that you should run.

I could never lose interest in your touch.

Forget you ever met me and don't look back.

For if I let you in, and you destroy me

I will break you and I won't regret it.

If you wanted to be here you would be.

I didn't fall for you, your smile tripped me.

It still feels grotesquely unkind of the universe to do this 

Since you clearly have no intentions of loving me.

Making me crave the untamed hope that is being in love with you.

One of my biggest flaws is my ability to see Red Flags in people from a distance,

Yet I continue to travel towards them and develop a closeness,

Because I have to make sure the color was real.

Second chances have never been a problem for me.

I tend to give eight or ten before I realize I'm a fucking idiot.

I never want to be kept guessing.

With every second that passes 

And every breath that escapes your beautiful mouth  

I want to make sure that you know that 

You're the one my soul has craved in the darkest hours of the night.

My heart is not something that you want to be up for grabs.

Once you're booted out of it there's no coming back.

My memory loves you.....

It must.  It asks about you all the time.

And then you grin, 

because you know me better than that.

Current Situation In Song

Quieted

      He laid his head on her lap with his eyes closed as if she was the most comforting place in the world and her chaotic mind quieted in the way she had only experienced once before in the presence of the grandmother she was still haunted by.
      She noticed he was relaxing under her hands as she continued to feel his anguish from the inner workings of his mind fade away while she held him closer;  letting everything she held in her heart for him ooze out of her burning fingertips.
      She felt him start to become aroused when she moved his hand he held over his heart as if he was trying to hold in everything he was feeling and her finger grazed his nipple; knowing full well that he always loved it she continued to do so.
      Mentally prepared for it to be commanded to a halt as she was convinced that he was over her, she continued as his breath grew quicker and he melted into her like a sundae cone in July.
      "What are you doing to me?"  He groaned under his breath looking up at her with one eye.
      "I'm not sure," she said breathlessly.  For she was genuinely perplexed at this reaction that she had gotten from a man that she never thought she would have her hands on again.


To be continued....

It Happens

Have you ever found yourself so happy that you're afraid to be happy?

Like if you say anything about it, 

the Universe will take note and explode just so that you don't have it anymore.

This look on my face?

Someone who has become important to me put that there.

Repeatedly they have said exactly what I needed 

to brighten my day enough to lift the gloom.  

I didn't see what they would mean to me when I met them.

Frankly, I almost said screw it and didn't.

Sometimes, when we are able to see past the situation that we're in 

and take a leap of faith something amazing happens, 

and we meet someone who doesn't treat us like everyone else 

because they see us for who we are.

Happiness.  It happens.

I Need A Drink

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jump Start

Some connections,
Like strong espresso,
Keep you up at night
And do funny things to your insides.
My train of thought is flying off the rails again.
I spew out into the Universe to find connections 
With my unconnected thoughts
From my heart that I like to pretend is disconnected.
Mine seems to be connected to yours with jumper cables.
It almost feels like it was a grotesquely unkind thing 
For the universe to do.
You can't take back the words I heard.
I'd love to be able to take them out 
And throw them back back into the black hole where they came from.
           But alas,
Here we are in the stare down of who is going to move first.
It's almost absurd how much space they've taken up in my brain.
These poems are nothing but a bunch of notes.
           Or are they?
Is it what you really think?
I am not afraid to peace out this time.
But then I find my serenity in your eyes
Because there is nothing but the same chaos inside us
And I'm jump started.

Permission

When you realize that you've battled hailstorms 

For that one who wouldn't walk through the rain for you

It's okay to lose it

It's okay to be hurt

But only for a minute

Don't ever forget who you are

Not just the one 

To be treated like the flicker on the end of a match

You are the whole fucking fire

-Cynicallovebird

Sympathy For The Stars

I was told once that sometimes the most spiritual, 
Soul-cleansing thing you can do is to tell someone to fuck off.
Being the anti-asshole that I was, 
Until now I didn't believe that to be true.
I let the pain linger just a little while longer 
Knowing that you aren't going to stay.
Even though I knew that throwing myself on a grenade 
Would probably have hurt less, 
I stopped by and said hello anyway.
Letting the guilty little pleasure of your grin 
Bring me up to a high 
I know that I'll never experience again.
When I put my foot down  and refuse to buy into the lies,
Cry to the stars, 
Maybe they'll hear.
Give my new love a cruel nickname while swearing
That it doesn't bother you.
Disturbed by how they don't bow down 
And dim at the sound of your anguish?
Clearly you've taken them for granted again.
That is, after all, what you do best.
When the rest of the world has forgotten you 
Don't come crying to me.
I'd console the stars for having to listen to you,
Before I would you.
After all, they were there for me when I was crying over you.

In Between Normal

On a random, unassuming Thursday
Your unappreciated heart
Stumbled upon my broken one
And ever since, nothing has been the same
I wasn't looking for you
I was too busy sifting through the rubble that made me
But I couldn't shake the feeling I got when we talked

Something was gripping me
And that inkling I got when I heard your voice for the first time
Felt more contagious than the common cold
Maybe it was the way that we have both known heartache
The way that a kid knows what it's like to have a quiet, unreciprocated schoolyard crush
Maybe it was the way that my random
Blurted out thoughts make you laugh
And when you do your eyes light up
And it burns the paper string that ties my walls together
That I like to pretend are made of titanium

Editing out all the lines we've crossed
And the words that we dared not speak but did anyways
Arbitrarily giving us permission to be nothing but ourselves
I've had the coffee shop getting to know you talks
I'd rather see the in between
I want to hear all about your afternoon indecision
Curl up and stow away inside the ticking of your weeble wobbling mind

I have tried the human experiment on from time to time
Always being treated as just another grain of sand
When I've always felt more other-worldly than that
This pornographic friendship is most definitely something else
It has broken the mold and unintentionally unearthed something I had only dreamt of
There's something to be said for the one who sees you
The one who makes themselves at home in between your normal
You know the one, that side
The simple pleasure of knowing what is hiding behind grazing fingertip touches
Is enough to set me ablaze

I can't help but look at you undeniably fascinated and incredibly intrigued
I feel like a child looking at the ocean for the first time
So forgive me if I look at you and everything happening in my brain pours from my eyes
It's just that my mended heart appreciates you

Dating Can Go Fuck Itself

I was told once that the best way to get over it, was to sweat over it.  Not physically told by someone, but picked up from one of those "fitness instagrammers" who lost a bunch of weight so now they think they're inspirational life coaches....  I won't get started on them, I like clean eating and health and fitness as much as the next person who loves delicious food and Netflix just as much but not enough to starve my body of the things that make me happy to do anything about minimizing my curves (and why the hell would I want to do that);  but this time I think they were right.  Whenever I'm aware of the fact that I've hit an emotional roadblock, doing something mindless like walking the dog in the middle of the night instantly resets my brain enough to get it out. 

 Hence the ensuing vent.  I apologize ahead of time, it's a doozy.

What is so lost in the dating world?

Why can't we just do things right and love whole heartedly and unconditionally without being told that it's wrong?  Granted monogamy isn't for everyone, but for fuck's sake, even the people it's for can't get it right these days!

I want this:  Loyalty to my face AND behind my back.  Huh!  Imagine that.  Being an honest person.  The realization that not being a dick is suddenly some kind of "new-fangled idea" to people who existed pre-social media makes me fucking cringe.  What the H.E. Double Hockey Sticks is wrong with people?

And just to get something straight right now:  There's a huge (just to be clear, we're talking Atlantic ocean sized) difference between asking me to be patient and just expecting me to act like I'm stupid for the sake of letting you get away with treating me like shit.  I'll tell you what bub, go wish in one hand and jerk off in the other, and we'll see which one gets filled first, K?

Another thing too:  I'm an amazing person to have around.  If you're having a bad day, I'm going to make sure that you have whatever you need to work through it and have a better one.  I am a really good friend as often as I can be, and I like to surround myself with friends who feel the same way.  At the same time, there are some things that girlfriends do, that "friends" simply do not.  

In other words:  QUIT EXPECTING GIRLFRIEND LEVEL ACTIONS WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEVEL COMMITMENT!!!!!!

I know, I know.  That probably hurt your sensitive eyeballs and felt like a kick in the nuts.  Deal!  Not by any means am I one to sleep around, but if you want to be the only person getting my energy, you're going to have to date me.  And this whole, "expecting me to do things that you're not willing to do..." is nothing but a great big bag of NOPE.

That is so much better than all this shit we are doing now.  I am so frustrated and fed up with trying to fall in love with a generation of men who just don't care and just want to get laid every chance they get.  That, and they were raised to believe that they don't need to grow a pair just because one nut job fucked them over in not any fun ways.  Does it mean that all of us are out to?  Of course not.  Everything is disposable to people nowadays, even other people, and it sucks.

It.  Sucks.

Dating is weird for people like me.

"Hey thing of the human species I find slightly attractive, wanna hang out and get to know me a little bit, and maybe human together?"

Dating used to be so awesome back in the day:  the boy asks the girl out, shows up at her house and picks her up, brings flowers or some other token of affection to win her over.  There was effort put into it.  It was an event, and gave us girls an excuse to get dressed up and look pretty and the boys smelled nice.  Now it's just "Hey, come over if you feel like it."  Acting casual to avoid the atomic "F" word that leads to a human MAYBE ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKING YOU.  Basically I am more of a dude than most men I know, but I don't want to act like one all the time.  I want to be treated like a girl sometimes.  I want it to be okay when I decide that I can drop my facade of dudeliness and "In-Chargeness" at something other than a photo shoot and be treated like a fucking queen instead of Swamp Thing.

But I don't, because dating has changed from romance and squishy feelings to a game of who can fuck with the other's head more.  It's called "being friends" or "hanging out" now.  And then if we actually did have fun "hanging out", we can't act like it.  Sex has to be casual, and free of feelings.  And we can't let on to each other that we might only want to sleep with them, because, well that would mean it was a relationship.  We can't call it dating, because that would mean that one of us actually likes each other.......

Can we have a moment of silence for the common sense that just flew out the window ............................ .............................  ..........................moment ............................ of  ....................... silencing...........................................................................................no seriously, we're moment of silencing because, stupidity................................................insert mental rant about how I hate all of humanity. .....................................  Not the time J, we're silencing right now .............................................................................

Isn't that the point of dating?  Hint:  You want them to like you.

Update:  I seriously had to wait a couple of days (Okay 4.  4 days) to come back to finishing this because I was pretty sure I was about to have an aneurysm writing those last few paragraphs.

Dudes, I am over hearing about how girls are all clingy and pushy because they CONTACT YOU WHEN THEY LIKE YOU!!!  Let me get this straight;  you want us to not act like bitches and be nicer, but the second we do, you run like hell?  **The world has gone silent.  My brain actually stopped working at that moment of stupidity.... **crickets chirping**

Who the fuck do you think you are?  In your head, you're a 10+ when in reality you're probably a 6, but with the way you treat people, you're more like a -4 with that shitty personality.  Fuck directly off.

Don't get me wrong, I would kick all of your asses at Yahtzee.  I love games.  But I am over the "talking about plans until we're blue in the face, and I'm all excited to see you, then get "I can't" when it's time to grow a pair and actually make the fucking plans.  You can't act like you're actually excited to see them, then they'll start ignoring you.

If I have one more conversation via text that should have been at the very least a phone call or definitely a face to face discussion, I'm going to fucking lose my shit entirely.  And then if you decide that you don't want to see them anymore, "Ghosting" is a thing now.  Whatever happened to having balls?  Sack.  The.  Fuck.  Up!!!!!  Nobody likes to be ignored and treated like crap.  When did this ever become an okayish thing to do?  Because it's not.  Respect.  It's a thing.

We're all trying to out-asshole each other.  Stop it.  Stop it now.  Put down the Tinder!!!  It's in the rules dating back to preschool times.  If you like a person, tell them.  Then if they don't like that you like them, then to hell with them and move on with your day and find someone else to play on the swings with.  (giggle, snort.  See what I did there?  Sorry not sorry, my brain just goes there).  Seriously, if you don't know if you want to be with me or not, deuces!  It doesn't make it suck any less, but I'm done throwing my brain out the window and giving all of my energy to anyone who is just going to rip out my heart too.  I don't acknowledge that I have one all the time, but I do, and so do you.  You really should be a little more careful with it.

Dating is fucked.  We're all fucked.  Stop fucking each other and fucking around and fucking love each other instead.  How fucking hard is that?