The Caterpillar

Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time.  It is time to forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become.  It is time to exonerate yourself for all of the people you couldn't save, for all of the fragile hearts you fumbled with in the dark of your confusion.  It is time, child, to accept that you don't have to be who you were a year ago, that you do not have to want the same things.  Above all else, it is time to believe, with reckless abandon, that you are worthy of me, for I have been waiting for years."

Last summer, I saw this meme:

2016:  The Caterpillar
2017:  The Cocoon
2018:  The Butterfly

I remember saying FUCK YES and saving it to my phone the second I saw it on my Instagram feed.  Three months ago I was so done being a Caterpillar.  To me, "becoming a Butterfly", meant that I'd finally overcome all the trauma, my finances were more in order and I'd be back 100% to loving my body as much as I used to.  That I would finally be on speaking terms with the Universe again because I could trust.  Becoming a Butterfly meant that I'd reached the end of my tunnel.  That the light wasn't just some moron with a magnifying glass.  So when the clock struck 12 on New Year's Eve - I was asleep - but the next morning I awake exclaiming "This is it!  My bullshit free year has begun.  I've paid my dues and I'm going to finally be a Butterfly!"

But that's not exactly what happened.....

I had no "Great Awakening".  My bruises from 2016 - or any resurfacing from childhood - didn't magically heal.  My health didn't instantly get better.  My stress level could still knock over a horse.  I didn't wake up on the first day of 2018 without the urge to spend every dollar in my wallet on the useless stuff at Target or fitting into the pants I've been holding onto for years.  Instead, I woke up the same person I was the day before.  A little more hopeful, perhaps, but the same old Jessie that existed the day before.

If the last few months have taught me anything, it's that the great awakening that I've been busting my ass for isn't going to happen.  At least not like I've hoped.  I've had many "awakenings" in my life, moments I learned hard lessons or experienced deep healing, but none of them completely transformed me into the flawless and perfect human I desperately wanted to be.

I'm not at all saying that I'm the same person that I used to be.  I'm definitely a stronger, more resilient, more real and more vulnerable version of myself.  I'm proud of who I've become!  I'm not perfect, nor do I ever want to be.  

And instead of looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, I've learned to be ok inside that tunnel and to create my own light.  

What if instead of waiting to evolve into Butterflies, we mold our world around the fact that we might remain a Caterpillar forever?  

What if we never get "there", but wherever we end up is good enough?

I think I might always be a Caterpillar.  Life will always be work and there will always be things that I can't control. And it's finally becoming ok with me.

Love yourself.  You're the only one you've got.
Be good to each other.

~ Cynicallovebird