The Levee

Let me cry 

Do you know how gut wrenching it feels to be half-loved  
By someone you would bleed yourself dry for? 
My side of the story 
It doesn't matter anymore 
Life happened 

The Levee has broken
And in turn the flood broke me 
And if I lived I would be considered heroic 
But if I were to die I would simply be a plot point 
I'm healing - I guess that's what I can call this 

Leave me be 

 
To offer them everything of yourself

Only to realize they never intended to hold it  
Only in my dreams do I get loved the way that I love 
And it's not poetic like I romanticized in my head 
It's pathetic and wrong 
But what's important is I learned who deserves a seat at my table 
And who will never sit at it again 
I want to scream out all the ways that love has let me down  
In hopes that somebody hears me and tells me it's all going to be okay 
I want to crumble at all the mistakes I have made into my palms  
As I watch as they fall through my fingertips as nothing but dirt  

But don't leave me 

I want to shove the world into a dark corner and tell it to go fuck off 
I want to ask why I have been such a burden to bear  
When all I ever asked for was love 
I want to understand others' heartbreak without becoming angry  
With how it doesn't compare to mine  
I'm done with hoping for a Disney-like romance 
Chucking it in the fuck it bucket  
And reverting back to the gray scale from sunshine and rainbows 
No metaphor will soften this blow 
I'm just a secret they kept hidden away until they want attention 
I'll always just be the half-love 
The half-truth I always settled for 
The maybe that never becomes a resounding yes 

When it was all I could hear in my head when I looked at them

My God 

I want to wake up as a version of myself  
Who does not live with this loss etching itself deep inside my heart  
I can't write anything that is going to make this hurt less 
I was going to marry you 
No metaphor is going to soften that blow. 
I'm just a tool in your box  
I'm the one that knows every part of you that you're too afraid to show 
When all I wanted was you to claim me 
I watched myself shrink 
Watched myself disappear piece by piece

Trying to fit into the small corner of the world

I wanted almost desperately for us to stay in 
I traded my pride for the illusion of something real  
For a love that never belonged to me 
I can't turn this pain into poetry 
I can't make this heartbreak sound like healing 
I was a placeholder for something else  
And I always knew it but tried to ignore  
As long as my head was on your chest that was all I needed to know 
When all I wanted was you to claim me  

And maybe somewhere in there a glimmer of hope you'd save me
There is not a shred left of a silver lining that would make this all worth the pain  
Because there's no beauty in being half loved  
I tell myself I'll wait for a love that will never come  
Yet the door stayed open anyways  
The light stays on still hoping that someone,   
Eventually, 
Will see me for more than what comes between my thighs  
I never understood what makes me so forgettable  
I'll keep waiting for a love that's never coming  
I think I've realized the truth I keep burying  
This warrior officially doesn't have any fight left 
I want to see the world for what it can be

And not for all that it has not been all along 
I want to hold the Earth down until it apologizes for existing  
In the way I feel like it keeps doing to me 

Please don't leave