Ode To The New Guy

 I just about lost my wits

When you started talking in front of the children about tits

You talked to my child about drugs

And then asked if he's sharing his nugs

My dear friend has lost her brain

Losing my shit in your general direction, I did refrain

Your grave I did mentally dig

While you were acting in my house like a mansplaining pig

My favorite was when you likened eating sugar to smoking crack

Listening to your drunken banter was the straw on the camel's back

My favorite rock you told us, as if you knew, that it was volcanic

It was actually sedimentary, your bullshit was tragic

When you disrespectfully came back in my house with an open beer

I should have kicked you out on your rear

I draw the line at bossing me around in my house

I should have sprayed you like a louse

You didn't wash your hands when you peed

She thinks she's landed quite a steed

I'd like to pack you in a box

And send you off to the Land of Lost Socks

Dude, your vibe is absolutely atrocious

And yet, my friend simply sees you as precocious

As harrowing as this evening was

I for sure cannot handle you, even if I had a buzz

No sir, not at all

Was your presence a ball

I do not like you here nor there

I do not like you anywhere

The smell of ashtray and beer just about caused emesis

You do not want me for a nemesis

But keeping my mouth shut I shan't

Because harm coming to her and the children, it can't

It's evident that you're a leach

Yet she's convinced you're a peach

The bad energy I did gather

Being near you again, I would not rather

No sir, not at all

I do not like you, big or small

Please excuse yourself out of her life

Stop causing all of this strife

She's stuck on you like white on rice

Her brain isn't working to think twice

There is a calm in sticking to what you know

And this is why you have to go