On Dating 2

Dating is like looking both ways before you cross the road and getting hit by a plane in the middle of it. 

Whether I want to or not, eventually I'm going to have to give in and accept "Ducking" as a swear word.  My phone just isn't having that word out of my potty mouth.  It will however randomly suggest "Cock" when I type in the letter C and "Boobs" whenever I enter a B....figure that one out.

Do you ever just look at someone and instantly can't talk to them because you know it's going to be highly inappropriate if you try?

"How are you today?" 

"Well, I'd be great if I could pretty please sexually harass you while touching your butt for just 5 minutes so that I can get the visions of me banging you on every piece of furniture I own out of my system so I can act like a human and not some sexually driven ape."   

And then you walk away and high five the friend who tried to talk you out of saying that before it left you mouth and call HR and leave a voicemail that you'll see them promptly Tuesday after work so that they can give you that new hire sexual harassment seminar again that you were in the back swiping right on Tinder during the first time.

 No?  Me either.

While my attraction to women is rare, there are times that I want to walk up to 1 specific person that I have a braingasm every single time I see her and I just want to ask her husband if it would be okay if I made out with his wife.

"I'll leave her better than I found her, promise!"

I haven't been on Tinder in a while, but as I was recently checking it out and found something that makes me believe that he would be okay with that.  That, and the fact that approximately two months ago on a night out with friends I was repeatedly winked at from across the bar by said braingasmic hot woman.

Anyways, I'm getting off subject because well, boobs.

Why are breakfast dates not more of a thing?  Forget your fancy dinner with the food that I'm expected to be able to consume while wearing an adorable dress in spanx where I have to both breathe and be kind while being squeezed like the watermelon challenge.  Give me my pj's and a short stack and and coffee and deep conversation about anything that doesn't involve feelings and nobody will get hurt;  or something relatively BS free and along those lines.  If I had a movie date at my house it would most likely end in 20 minutes after I pass out because I have rarely been able to sit through a movie in my own home.  You want to just cuddle and fall asleep?  I'm totally down for a nap date!  A walk on a trail in the woods and explore where I get covered in sweat and bug spray and you somehow think the way that I seduce you with my awkwardness is fantastic?  Yes please!

I have a hard time "working towards" a relationship.  I kind of want things to already be that way.  With one person, forever.  It amazes me how common courtesy is lost on most people nowadays.  If someone doesn't match up with what you want from your life, tell them instead of freezing and hiding like a coward.  Then there are those who act to your face like you're the best thing in the world to them and then nowhere to be found any other minute of the day.  There just aren't enough real people in the world anymore.

And that's my point:  I'm a relatively BS free person, most of the time.  As a recently acquired friend said in conversation the other day: "You have had an enormous amount of shit thrown at you in the past 5 months."  Things I thought would never happen did and as mentioned in a previous post, I know I haven't had the best time of dealing with it appropriately.  I'm a constant self improvement project;  as we all should be.

Some of the things written to me on my dating website account....I wish I could be making this shit up, but I have screen shots.

From Dude 14 years younger than myself:

"Hey Cougar!  Is your name Wi-Fi?  Because I'm definitely feeling a connection here!"

1.  I am not a cougar.
2.  You are closer in age to my teenage daughter than you are to myself.
3.  I have standards.
4.  Fuck off.

From random Dude half the state away in his very first message to me:

"I love you."

Um, well that escalated quickly...

His response:

"Well when you know, you should tell someone right away."

And then there's the entire fear of being catfished, again.  Yeah, that's happened too.

I'm so ready to give up on the quest for the actual forever kind of love and just have a crap load of toys and activity buddies.  Wait, I already have that....