There May Be Life On Mars After All....

"When you get excited over a new sponge in the sink, you're at an all time low."

- Realized as I was waiting to see if my coffee was going to use it's powers for good or evil this morning.

I'm going to get honest for a minute.

The past 6 weeks have been Hell.  I have been in a space that, with no other way to put it, I was shut down from life.  When you have been involuntarily attacked within your own walls that you put up to protect yourself by someone that you trusted with your entire being, stuck in your own mind is a very bad place to be.  

I had panic attacks, sometimes several a day.  I cried more and harder than I have in my lifetime.  I have consumed more alcohol than I did in the entirety of last year combined.  I was angry.  Most nights if I got any at all, I could count the number of hours of sleep on one hand.  The stress was so bad that I broke out in hives and woke up every morning for two weeks looking like I had been wrestling with a tiger in my sleep.  I consumed more benedryl and advil than any stomach should have to bear.  My house is more of a wreck than usual.  I binge watched Netflix and did everything I could do to avoid seeing anything remotely happy or lovey-dovey.  I was compulsive.  I barely ate.  I was selfish.  I did what I needed to do to feel better come Hell or high water; no matter what that was.  I was honest with people about what I was feeling and thinking and I wasn't always nice about it.

And here's the thing:  I'm not sorry.

I reached out to people more than I was ever able to.  I forced myself to laugh until I wasn't forcing it anymore.  I became more conscientious about how I was feeling and embracing it instead of turning myself into an emotionless, exploding zombie trying to ward off feelings.  I ate good things to make up for the fact that I could barely eat and now that's all I want.  I started moving on with my life and it moved with me instead of crumbling like I was afraid of.  I did what I needed to do to relax regardless of the number of hours of sleep I got.  I sought inner peace until it wasn't running from me anymore.  Over the past week, things have slowly gotten better and I have faith that they will even more so.  I think my biggest hang up was that I didn't feel like myself and I was so focused on getting that back that I didn't realize that she very well may be gone forever.  And that I'm okay with it.

Sometimes, something really horrible has to happen in our lives;  shaking us at our very core.  Being thrown into a Hell that we didn't ask for;  learning to stop analyzing and asking questions I'll never get answers to and simply find a way out.  Then, and only then, are we able to come out able to see the beauty in something as seemingly simple as a new sponge in the sink.