Oye.
I haven't had the desire to write. Not for lack of fodder. Get comfortable, this might take awhile.
Last week was bad. My heart is broken for my family and for our recent loss. Their story is not mine to tell but I was there for them in the ways that I could be without throwing myself into my own downward spiral. Long story short, I cried more than I smiled. I got maybe the equivalent of 8 hours of sleep in 5 days. I ended up sick with a sinus infection. 3 days off from work. Instead of laying around feeling like a pile on the floor, I organized my office area and came to the conclusion that I have enough office supplies to see my kids through college.
You know when you're doing okay? Not great by any means but okayish enough, upright and semi-functional. Still able to force a smile. Then you get hit with something that makes you want to vomit from some unseen passenger in your day that blows you over like a train wreck and you get all hot all over and you feel your heart leaping out of your throat and you congratulate yourself on not actually dying like you feel like you are.
No? Me either.
As someone who has been a writer since the day I learned how to hold a pencil, I have received little feedback as up until now I haven't done this for anyone but myself. Sure in school it was the best grade I got. With that said, it wasn't until last week that I received the first compliment from my mother in regards to it in the history of ever. And it was about the Go Fund Me page write up that I created to support my family members with what is going on right now. It slightly infuriated me, I'm not going to lie.
Halloween was different. My kids decided they didn't want to trick or treat this year after our original plans didn't materialize for reasons out of our hands. They spent the day at my Aunt's house making treats and watching Halloween movies. After I got out of work we all carved pumpkins. It was a gorgeous day outside but the temps dropped very quickly halfway through and by the time we were done we were all frozen to the bone. I would have insisted on going inside but they were big pumpkins that you couldn't just pick up and move easily. Then I took the kids out to dinner. My daughter wasn't feeling very well suddenly wanted to go to bed. I took her home and as planned my son and I went to see Hotel Transylvania 2 at the local theatre. I haven't seen the first one but it was really funny.
My aunt and kids love spending time with each other. And who wouldn't? My kids are awesome and she's like my best friend/sister. On a serious note, when you die and plan a future for your children without you in it, you want your kids to remember who you were and not only is she like me, she gets me. Probably more then I get myself. When they went over for Halloween, my son was unusually moody all day and wouldn't say why. He just couldn't get settled, couldn't make a single decision for himself and had a breakdown when they went pumpkin picking. He seemed to calm down when I got there. We managed to have a great rest of the night. Then, the second we got in the car after the movie, he got quiet. Then he said, "She is never going to experience her first Halloween." We talked about our recent loss and cried together.
The way my kids process grief differently both makes my heart swell and cry at the same time. I have always explained to my kids that "More family means more love", coming from a huge family where both parents are remarried I know this. My son takes loss to heart and is slow to let go, and my daughter just understands that it's a part of life and moves on with her day. During this journey I've come to realize I might be doing an okay job after all and that they might not be as ruined as I once believed.
It is now November. The time where everyone comes out of the woodwork to magically become grateful for this that and the other thing that they bitch about for the other 11 months of the year - blah, blah, freakin' blah. I won't get started on the things that I don't understand about that one. I think that it has something with the impending doom you feel during the change of the seasons and the end of the year. Plus Christmas....being nice to people so they'll buy you stuff. I on the other hand plan to be just as much of an asshole as I am the rest of the year.
Promises that were made to me were broken. In my frustrated, exhausted, grieving, lonely state things came out of my soul and through my mouth that I was holding back because I knew what it was being driven by but I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Then to my surprise, behavior seemed to change. However, it was lost on me because I was so busy being lost in what was happening in my head that I didn't see it. You know, when someone apparently picks up what you're laying down and they go out of their way to do something nice for you, but you're still so stuck on how much they suck you can't think of anything else?
That's right. I am Queen Turd of planet Buttholio.
I've said more than once that I have a penchant for random emotional outbursts and blurting out the first thing that pops into my head. Sometimes it works in my favor. Most of the time I just don't care who knows what I'm thinking.
I didn't realize this until yesterday while I was driving my car. You know how after someone has sat in your driver's seat you're convinced that they changed all your settings? Wednesday I got my brakes fixed and new tires put on so I no longer need to be scared by all the weird things my car was doing. Well I was in a really bad mood from the fight that I had just gotten into and managed to think that the mechanic moved my seat all the way back and so I moved it forward. Yesterday after driving for 10 minutes I came to realize that my elbows were touching the steering wheel. I guess my rage turned me into some crotchety old hag and I shrunk 6 inches. At least I got a laugh out of it, but I really did feel defeated after normal thoughts started flooding in. I also realized the reason behind the rage filled incident Wednesday and I have some explaining to do. It was just an exchange of bad feelings and nothing was really said. It was gross. It didn't feel good.
Yesterday I didn't stop moving until I went to bed out of sheer refusal to dwell. I started off with the miraculous fact that both kids got on the bus and I didn't have to take them to school. An elderly volunteer at work gave me some apples for my mom's animals so I brought those out to her. My 2 year old niece told me how "I don't like Aladdin, it scares me. Cause the tiger." My mom told me that she thought she meant the tiger that lives with Princess Jasmine. I remember as a kid being scared of the tiger cave that comes out of the sand and we bonded because that was the part that always scared me too. My landlord called and said that they were going to replace the window at the end of the kid's room to bring the house up to fire code. I ran home and cleaned the kids room in a hurry. In case you already didn't know, teenagers are disgusting. I took my daughter's broken box spring and bed frame out of her room and to the deck - I don't understand how a twig for a child can jump on a bed so hard she broke the leg off of her frame and the box spring into smithereens. I cleaned out my car and brought said box spring and mattress to the car and then to the town dump. That was what I can imagine wrestling a grizzly bear would be like, only less gory and it didn't end with my death. Then I went to mom's to watch the kids for a little bit while she ran errands. Then home to get my car loaded with the weekly garbage and recycling to take to the town dump, the returnables for the redemption center and 5 totes of stuff that I have weeded out for Goodwill. That's right, in my last blog I wrote about how I got rid of a bunch of stuff and since that time I have found more crap. If I didn't know any better I'd think that my house was holding a crux from Lord Voldemort. For every one item I get rid of 2 more take it's place. Stopped at my friend's house for a bit. Then dinner for the kiddos. My son and I have been bonding over some old school movies my mom sent over.
Bless my son and his gentle heart. He didn't want his pumpkin to be cold, so he brought it inside. I was all "Okay whatever" folding laundry and didn't ask him where in the house he put it. I came down for coffee and saw that it was on the kitchen floor looking a little droopy. He put it on top of the heating vent of our forced air furnace and it cooked. Children are for raising, not understanding. That is all I have to say about that.
After this week that I managed to somehow make it through slightly unscathed, I can foresee this work week becoming a cluster of absolute absurdity. Therefore, I will not do anything out of the ordinary for fear of angering everything that moves. I can hear tomorrow morning telling me to fuck off already.
