Drunken Lists

So one of my readers told me, "Jessie, I wish you'd stick to one subject."

And my immediate response, and the one that I will always give, is "Why?  There are so many amazing subjects on the planet to chose from!"

Yes, for the most part I talk about myself....

Hence, blogging.

Online journaling for the whole world to see.  If you don't like something what I say, you're the one who came here voluntarily.

Say it with me now:  Vol-un-tary.

In other words, and a much less tactful way to put it:  Don't like it, FUCK OFF!

So, on to the show.

When your computer charger and the cord to your vibrator are entwined together next to your bed to the point of practically being conjoined twins, do you possibly have a bigger problem than just untangling cords?  Asking for a friend.

Wow, 325 page views in the 48 hours since I looked at this account last.  Am I creating repeat followers?  I don't know, y'all don't say much to me so I don't have much of a clue who reads.  Feel free to, by the way.  I'm open to answering questions.

Saturday I was not in a happy place.  More frustrated than unhappy.  One of those times where you can't place your finger on what's driving you nuts, but there it is nonetheless.  A dark passenger following you around and saying all the things you don't want to hear. 

Or did I?

Anyway, it got me what I needed;  laughter, good conversation, and apparently as I'm looking through my phone this afternoon, a list on all the things NOT to do while messaging someone in an online dating site that I drunkenly produced on my sticky note app.

1.  Accept the fact that people lie online about most things.  Listing off how tired you are of being lied to is not going to stop this.  You also will not get what you want out of a relationship when you instantly accuse someone as being "just like everyone else".  With most things, if you want honesty, you're going to have to give it.  And even then, you're pretty much just hoping for the best.

2.  Do not tell someone that you have never met before in your life that you love them.  Like, in the first sentence of your very first message to them.  Things might get weird after that.

3.  Do not post pictures with anyone BUT yourself in them.  This goes for obscure group shots where nobody can pinpoint just which beefy stud muffin you are, pictures of your children and especially not with other women.  I might give a pass to those next to those at something like Comic-Con or with a porn star.  Well, because everyone should have a healthy appreciation for porn.

4.  OK, we get it.  EVERYONE is looking for a new adventure.  Something new and fun.  I find just going into my closet to be an adventure to see if I'm going to wear pants today.  Eating anything smothered in cheese is fun too.  Not just climbing mountains.  I prefer fun of the "no possibility of breaking every bone in my body" persuasion, K.  The fact that I'm taking a chance and meeting a complete stranger who could be an admirer of Ted Bundy for all I know, cut me some slack.

5.  Accept the fact that after a week of chatting online, if you have not scored a number or at the least plans to meet, it isn't going to happen.  Personally, I'm busy and really don't have time to waste on a computer.  I've got shit to do. 

6.  I'm booting your ass to the curb at the first mention of sex before I've even met you.  I didn't always have this standard, but if you want something you've never had before, you've got to do something you've never done before. I am most likely the least PG rated person you've ever met in your life, but it is never going to get past that point if you don't pump the brakes a little. 

7.  Don't be a douchebag.  Just because I'm not interested and honest about it doesn't make it OK for you to call me every name in the book.  Kiss your mother with that mouth?  Jaded prick.  It's not my fault that you have such little respect for yourself and clearly other human beings that you feel the need to type your douchebaggery right out there in the open.

8.  And speaking of, I said pump the brakes, not slam on them.  Just because I don't have any desire to be a hook up or someone you can lie to doesn't mean that I'm not a human being.  Friends?  Let's be.

With that said, these are all lessons that I picked up in my online dating saga.  Which is now gladly over.  I am in a relationship currently.  No, I'm not going to talk about it here.  Time and place y'all.

Lessons learned this week, for myself and everyone else:

My alcohol tolerance is just like riding a bicycle, according to Saturday.

12 year old boys are disgusting.

Once I start cleaning, I can't stop and Goodwill is going to be very happy with my donation very soon.  As will the local transfer station, aka Town Dump.

Today, when I said "Lite cream cheese" on my bagel at D&D, I didn't mean nearly non-existent.  If you have questions about that or are unclear on the products that your company offers you should clarify.  This girl likes her some cream cheese on her bagel, just the one that isn't going make her ass giggle for a week after one bite.

When you attempt to get on a regular schedule and coordinate not only yourself but 2 therapists and everyone else, shit is going to hit the fan at the beginning of the week just because you got comfortable and forgot to write one stupid appointment down because, of course you'll remember it.  Write.  It.  Down.  Even if you completely forget where you wrote it and find it a week later.  It's a month sooner than you would have remembered it otherwise!

Technology and I are not friends.  This is not new.  Stop trying.

Standing up for what you want out of life is never a bad thing.  Even more so when it comes to relationships.  Things are going very well in that department, by the way :)

Time management is always easier on paper.  Traffic is a bitch.  And then there's always that long lost coworker who wants to chat life when you've run to the grocery store for the third time because you forgot brown sugar for the roasted squash and that is the only possible way on the planet to eat it.

I love me some fall season.  In the sense that I much prefer it to any other and would love to live in a place that it's this way for most of the year.  With that said, Pumpkin Spice anything is an abomination in anything other than something containing actual pumpkin.  Pumpkin spice coffee at D&D tastes like baked goods that were liquefied for the toothless elderly and then vomited up by a cat.  Nope.  Just say no was invented for a reason, and I'm sure it was by someone like Marty McFly going back to the future and tried one of these damn things.

I have the next two days off and plan to have lots of shenanigans that I can tell you about later and probably some that I can't because you would need a mental cheese grater.  For real, I should get paid for every thing I don't tell you.  For now I'm going to finish my clearance sale Razzarita and take an 8 hour nap.