Messy

I'm not the girl who gets picked
I'm not the girl you spend the rest of your life with
and I accept it as fact 

before you even say the first hello
but I am the girl who makes you want to change
who you reflect upon who you were 

who you have been 

and who you want to be

for someone else
I am the girl who five years from now 
you will look at your daughters and pray 
that nobody ever hurts them the way you hurt me 
on purpose
because my life is too messy to fit into yours

or so you say

you were never here for any of the messy parts

so how would you dare say that you know 

maybe I just needed you to show up unannounced

Hersheys with almonds in one hand 

and your heart in the other

the perfect equation 

where you meet my vulnerability

I keep hidden away under the guise of strength

behind papier mâché walls

and my hot chocolate moat filled with piranhas
maybe I just say 

I'm the girl who loves you when you're broken 

before you find your forever kind

while wishing it was me
the one you take all your anger out on 
so your real lover doesn't cry themselves to sleep

while I do

maybe I don't need a knight in shining armor

maybe I wanted you

the jackass in a tinfoil hat
the one you always want to kiss 
but only in private
I'm too much to explain
I don't care about being chosen anymore
not by you
the one you care for
but just don't love enough
to pick
I have to mourn you without wishing you will come back
and I've made peace with the fact that you won't
but a small part of me wishes 
that you miss the way that my head felt on your shoulder
how it always felt so perfect like it was molded just for me
I know you don't
but that messy, lonely
really fucked up part of me 

wishes for 9pm mozzarella sticks and The Labyrinth

in bed just the same

you won't call me when your broken-hearted daughter

is crying after being treated the same way you treated me

and I don't know if I would want you to

but I am sad that I won't get to wipe her tears

in solidarity

you'll always be the man with an empty plate of promises

and I the girl who chooses herself over all them