As a kid, while all of my friends were dreaming of The New Kids on the Block, Christian Slater and Skeet Ulrich, I was hopelessly in love with Debbie Gibson, Indiana Jones, He-Man, Weird Al and the entire cast of The Goonies. So, when I attempted to manifest their existence into fruition at the age of 15 after watching The Craft with my besties for the millionth time, I had no idea what was going to show up, but if you're anything like me, you know that I just threw the wishes out into the ether and expected it to actually work. GUYS, I think I have met a person who is all of them rolled into the same person. It's hard to describe, not physically of course, more like how they make me feel....as good as I am at descriptions you would think I'd be better at this one. And just like that, it's all that I am going to say about it. For now.
Head to toe goosebumps coupled with heart skipping beats popped up in case you needed a visual representation of what thinking of them does to me. I wouldn't have the blog name Cynicallovebird if I didn't acknowledge that it is reminiscent of a panic attack.
Anyways, the above information is not what I came here to do.
Ah, who am I kidding. Of course, it's all I want to do. But I'm not going to, because self-preservation, too much too soon, past history, crushed dreams, and all that entails. I haven't even dubbed him with a nickname yet to be able to write about him (or have I?).
Read first ever blog post to get the reference.
If you know me at all, it's that avoidance at all costs, including my sanity, when things are getting heavy in my world is my superpower. I haven't given much for updates, so I thought it was time, because while I am dictating a lot into my sticky note app and creating draft after draft when I need to get some energy out, I don't feel like I have anything to actually say until I can talk about life for a second.
Health:
Let see, for me there's a lot of upsides. Last year I put my foot down and made my provider send a referral to be tested for ADHD. Everything about going back to college was reminding me of how much I struggled as kid in school. Holy crap, the medication that I have been on is a life-changer. I was getting to the point where I was so worried I would be broken forever. Just like in normal Jessica fashion, I nonchalantly messaged my doctor that it was time for me to see a specialist because I noticed some changes, expecting that it was natural stuff for the over 40. Saw the specialist, it was definitely not normal, had a couple of biopsies and got scary news that I was not going to spend the remaining time that I have on this planet worrying about, so I had all of my lady parts removed in May. My body no longer feels like it's in a constant battle to stay alive. I have lost 18 pounds just existing. I finally got the clear to exercise and do all the fun adult things. I have started with walking without pushing myself. So far so good. I did the fun adult things. It was nice to know that the part of my brain that had zero interest was just saving it for a time that was worthy. Oh boy was it ever. Smoke a cigarette in my honor if you do, because I don't and I feel like I could use one. It was also a reminder that it's time for yoga again, I was not nearly as bendy, mostly thanks to me spending hours on end scrunched up like a bog troll at the computer working/learning/writing. Later today, I am going to push myself a little, but I feel like I'll be able to handle it. I'll do it later this afternoon, so I don't waste my entire day sleeping if my SLE decides to flair.
Family:
I vented what I needed to vent to whom it needed to go to. My parents are both newly engaged to good people that my six-year-old self wishes they had found a little sooner, but we all have a journey. I've been spending a lot of time in Deer Isle and learning things about my family that I wish I knew sooner, in a good way - it's nice to know where I got my love of dinner parties and fancy things came from.
Kids:
If you pay attention to the ticktock reels of parents of Neurospicy kids, just know that it is so much worse. Having a child, that is now an adult, that you are in a constant battle to keep alive does things. Nothing I can say out loud to someone who has zero experience with. Just know that if I do come to you when I can't take it anymore, I am giving you the "crystal lite" version. I don't need advice from someone with no experience. I can't "just" anything. There are days where my entire well-being depends on how they are doing and I am so, so tired. Therefore, I leave this conversation to the paid professionals.
Work
I truly have found the thing that I was meant to do, and I want to keep doing it forever. I get to spend my day being happy for complete strangers all day long. In the 6 weeks that I was out on medical leave, every time I woke up, whether it was in the morning or after a nap, I woke thinking it was time to get ready for work.
Home:
It feels like every time I turn around something in this apartment building is breaking. Starting Monday, I get to stay at a hotel until Lordt only knows when because the main sewer line from the house to the street has collapsed somewhere along it. I can still come home to get food, clothes and do homework at my computer, and I'll be right up the road, but Jesus Murphy I would give anything for a normal day. I have the big bedroom for once in my life. I have an area for both a vanity and an office. My son moved out and I have been working on setting up the extra room as a reading/craft/crap room. I got my great grandpa's sign hung. Of course, said Neurospicy first child had to have something to say about it not being where she wanted it. It just feels like I'm spending my time doing a constant facepalm.
Dating:
I said what I said above and I would be lying if I said that my brain isn't doing cartwheels. I also deleted my Facebook dating profile. I had deleted all of them for a bit, then one evening I decided that it would be a great idea. **Thanks, post-surgical Dilaudid haze for that.** I hope that "above mentioned person" doesn't think that I did it because I'm insane and it had anything at all to do with meeting them there. There was a lot of careful consideration put into it that is a post for another time. A long time ago, I decided to add being partnered on the shelf as something that was a "nice to have", rather than something that I needed in order to be happy. That shelf is getting pretty crowded. Again, a post for another time.
True story: The words "I would rather set myself on fire and put it out on a floor covered in Legos before I try to date again. It would hurt less." were spoken, out loud, in conversation with my best friend, and less than 10 seconds later, "DING". I get a message from above mentioned Mr. on Instagram. Yes, he matched with me on FB dating (for the second time, long story), and then followed my profile to Insta and messaged me there. I have to say, effort is enticing.
Overall, I have stopped doing all the things that once held me together, and things were messy for a long time, but I like the version I am now even more.
I'm sure that there is more that I am missing, but if you're at the end, "Thanks for noticing", as Eeyore would say. As always, open to questions and conversations. Be good to each other.
***So it turns out that while this person may be amazing, they "didn't feel a spark" - after seeing me twice and talking about themselves the entire time they were together, naturally I like him. He barely let me get a word in and didn't have the emotional intelligence to be honest with me about their concerns and sit down and talk to me about it. They're wrong, but what can I do to control that if they are going to quit before they even try? And I reactivated my dating profile and will give it energy when I find the time. Which of course will be never. \
Still waiting on that Mr. Perfect delivery service. It's whatever.
