People always say that they look up to me, I guess I'm just more successful than they are at being a people person because I remember things that I learned when I was a kid.
If it doesn't belong to you, don't touch it.
If you don't like something, you are perfectly capable of saying so without being an asshole about it.
If you get offended by something, it's perfectly fine to state your opinion about it, but talking about a problem without proposing a solution is whining.
Whining get you nowhere and makes you look like a jackass.
I'm a tad frustrated at the moment. The first time in months that I actually have something to say and I turn on my computer, only to find that half the keys on the keyboard aren't working and that all of my pictures are missing. Fortunately I have a keyboard that I was able to plug in and use and the dear friend who helped me "fix" my other computer problem completely backed up my pictures on his drive so nothing important has been lost. I wish there was an easier solution to fix my brain.
I've stopped drinking. I've stopped fucking around. The latter is a different post entirely, but the point I'm getting at is that I stopped doing all the things that were keeping me together. I, at the moment, am a broken vase.
I don't know what it is with love that makes me freak out so much. I've never had it really; but the mere thought of it growing up would make my throat tighten to the point of a full on allergic reaction to human relationships.
I'm in therapy. My anxiety has been through the roof. This time of year does things to me. Nothing fun. He wants me to start medication other than PRN, but I can't do it. Pre-2016 I could manage. Which also goes to say that pre-trauma; pre- my entire world turned into a psychopath's pretty human skin suit dress, I was fucked up, but I managed.
This afternoon I spend 3 hours finally cleaning my basement that I haven't touched since it flooded 3 years ago. There's a lot of crap there that I am throwing out and it's kind of nice to find things that I knew I wanted to start enjoying again. I talked my son into cooking dinner which was nice. I was way to tired to move after that. I'm watching the movie "Love Actually" for the first time. Several coworkers and my best friend that I miss dearly (hello, Matt) consider it to be one of the best Christmas movies in existance. I have avoided it, of course. I was damned if I was going to watch something about love. *Also coming from the woman whose favorite movie line up includes mostly RomComs*. I was sitting here in my angry, cynical, fuck everything usualness, and then I had to pause to watch the movie. And I love it. Of course I do.
I've found that despite all the cynical overlay in the core of my being, there is something in me that has opened up. I'm becoming quite a sap lately. I'm more excited for Christmas this year than I have in about 5 years. I'm sharing my feelings and my life with people and I'm starting to allow relationships that I never thought I'd want to have. Without going into details at the moment, I'm finding that my life has the makings of an interesting RomCom story myself.
I had surgery. I made it through despite some complications. It's been a long 2 month journey. I had to relearn how to talk and swallow but I am. My voice doesn't sound like a cartoon character anymore and I am eating again.
Before Thanksgiving, my therapist gave me homework. To think about 3 overdeveloped coping mechanisms and 2 underdeveloped ones. To think about them, talk about them, write about them. I have mulled them over in my head. I'd love nothing more than to say that nothing came to mind, but then I'd be a liar. And a liar, I am not. I'm working on it. I'll get there eventually.
Maybe I'll find some gold to fill in my cracks like they do in Japan to their broken vases in the meantime.
