I woke up fully loaded with questions today and every single day for the past week about the same things. Just thought I'd throw that disclaimer out there before you proceed.
Are relationships allowed to have existential crisis's too? Or could it just be considered a reevaluation of what a person's existence in our world is. Is it a good thing? Are we bringing each other something of value to the table? I think that if we can't take a moment and appreciate a person for who they are and what they bring to our lives, even if it's just cheez-it's, then we are doing the relationship entirely wrong. And let's face it, cheez - it's are pretty damn great.
At what point do our shells crack?
You know the one. The one that we put up around ourselves in self preservation to, for lack of a better term, avoid what we're really experiencing. For some, it's the "I'm fine" statement, the "my life is perfect/great/wonderful" posts on social media, it's the "I can do it all, look at me doing it". For me, it's pretending that what I'm experiencing isn't even happening. That is, until it's impossible to ignore. And here we are.....
When we're in a relationship that is clearly (and hopefully) not ending any time soon, at what point do we allow what they other wants to eclipse what we need? When the hell did I become the soft boiled egg?
When my last relationship ended, I thought it might be better to be alone than to seek out what I knew fully that I wanted. Not because I thought I'd be happy alone; it was because I was (am) afraid that if I allowed myself to be in love and it fell apart again, I might not make it this time. What if I drop my walls and allow someone in, and like it, and lean on it and curl up inside? What if I shape my life around it and it all suddenly falls apart? Losing something you love might as well be losing a limb. The only difference between that kind of pain and death is that it could go on forever. I'm pretty sure that I've decided that I'm through wincing in anticipation of it. **as I wince while typing that statement...figure that one out**
I'm not the kind of person who can just run my finger down a person's soul and jump to my favorite parts of them. It is my biggest pet peeve of human behavior. Pigeon-holing. Putting people in boxes. I hate it when people do that to me, and I want no part in doing that to others. I want to read through every chapter and take my time doing it. Taking comfort in the dog eared pages of what inspires them the most; hearing all about their favorite memories and creating new chapters. I'm the kind of person that has a heart with a corner in it that's all yours once you're allowed access. And I don't mean for now, or until I've found somebody else; I mean forever. What I mean to say, is that even if I fall in love a thousand times after you are gone from my life; if you ever are, there'll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.
Much to the chagrin of my ego/pride/heart/brain....I have caught feelings for someone; but I fear that telling them may burn my world to the ground. I'm cool as a cucumber on the outside. Inwardly, I'm terrified by his ability to weaken me. Why am I so scared that it's not the right thing? That I'm putting too much pressure on them for there to be more. Which I haven't put any pressure at all on them, because I haven't said anything. Or maybe I've said things, when again, I can't not say what I'm thinking anymore. Frankly, I think I'm ok at the moment with how things are; at least for now, but I also can't get rid of this scratching in the bad of my mind begging the question to be asked if things could be better. Maybe it's just the part of me that wants to wake up next to someone in the morning for a change. To look forward to going home to. I feel like a complete and total chicken shit around them and I have no idea why, yet he is the one person I have never been anyone but myself around from the second I met them. That has never happened in the history of me having a crush on anyone.
I almost feel sorry that my feelings have invaded his personal space. And then I get kind of angry because is that really the kind of thing that you should ever have to apologize for? All I really know right now is that I'm happy and when it comes to them I feel...settled. However, my brain and heart feel like a couple of break-dance fighting ninjas are having their way at the gates of Reason and LaLa Land.
If I've learned anything over this year of Hell, is that if I want the crappy things to stop happening then I have to stop accepting crap. And yet, here I am; not that I'm saying that I'm accepting crap, but I feel like I'm maybe accepting something that's less than what I want. Or maybe I'm just not patient enough to realize that what I want is right in front of me. That maybe, just maybe something really great could be experienced if I let my shell crack. And maybe stop trying to hold it together with duct tape. Maybe.
