The Suck

 I seek to find peace for my world in pieces.

I need to find a way to relax.

All this stress from recent sadness and other life-insanity;

my anxiety cloud offering nothing but darkness, 

decompressing from my anxious mind that ending in something closely resembling Wile E. Coyote free falling 

- watching the boulder that was about to fall on him the whole way down - 

had me ready to punch my keurig for needing water when I turned it on to make my oatmeal this morning...

If you can't laugh at yourself, what can you do?

My journey into no longer reaching for familiar coping mechanisms has been tested greatly,

something that I've been trying my best to ignore.  

We all know how that goes.  

I will say I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking the landing. 

Rather than running to the bar or a stranger's bed,  

I'm running to the hills of Vermont for the weekend. 

I need to make myself inaccessible and since my impulsive brain is trying to take control the only way to shut the bitch up is to let mother nature help me along with zero service and beautiful views. 

Just a girl,  her tent,  the sky, a recorder app on her phone, and sitting in the suck. 

My white flag is flying for all to see.

It's not what I'm used to.

But what's a girl to do?

You can't make a home on a windshield wiper.

Silly me for trying just the same.

TALKING YOURSELF OUT OF IT

 You’re fine. 

Say it again. 

Until those two words reach your limbs. 

Look in the mirror. 

Ignore the tired in your eyes. 

Implore yourself to smile. 

Don’t cry. 

You’re fine. 

Get dressed. 

Go be perfect. 

Go be incredible. 

Go be the friend your friends deserve. 

Go be everything you’re in need of. 

Try again. 

Try harder. 

Don’t quit.

You’re fine. 

Remember better days. 

Disappear in them. 

Come back stronger. 

Stop complaining. 

You’re fine. 

Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. 

Be ashamed for not being happier. 

Pull yourself out of it. 

Find your footing. 

Find your dreams. 

You’re fine. 

Look for the light. 

Be the light. 

Work harder. 

Work more. 

Work. 

Laugh, despite that sinking feeling. 

Swallow the knot in your throat. 

Step over the pit in your stomach. 

It’s not your fault that it’s your fault. 

It’s ok to not be ok, 

but hurry up and be ok. 

You’re fine. 

Say it again. 

Say it until you hate it. 

Say it until you can’t stand the taste of it. 

Say it until there’s no air left in your lungs. 

Say it until you cough on your own exhaustion. 

Say it one final time, 

then swear to never say it again. 

Don’t leave the raging tempests within you untouched. 

Let the heavy rain soak your burnt-out frame.

Stand still and beg for the lighting strike.

Feel all of life profusely. 

Learn the rough weather you’re made of,

until you love the storm you are.

A Reminder

the next time 

you refuse to sing

because you’ll never 

fill a stadium

or decline the joy of dance

for fear of looking ridiculous

or you resist risking

the new adventure

because you’re 

not entirely ready or

you dim your shine

because you’re not

completely healed and whole

the next time

you hold yourself suspect 

because you’re not

entirely qualified

just remember

a bird doesn’t sing 

because it’s talented

a bird sings because 

it has a song

the moon doesn’t only shine

when it’s whole

it can show up with 

a single sliver of itself

and still light an entire

night sky

show up

sing

shine

the world needs you

as you are