The What If

This is a ramble.  Consider yourself warned. I'm so working out out.

I don’t need to know. 

I don’t have all the answers. 

I don’t even care where we go from here, 

so long as it’s together. 

What if we just drifted without worry, 

and chose to float freely through this wonderful, sacred space. 

Without aim. 

Without the end in mind. 

Without the weight of expectations holding us down. 

What if we just watered one another -

blossomed and grew roots.

What if we got out of the way, 

and allowed fate to unfold before us? 

Something brought us together. 

You feel it, too – this connection. 

This energy and pull towards one another. 

It seems almost otherworldly. 

One moment my life was recognizable, 

familiar. 

Then, everything was vibrant all at once. 

Now I can’t look back. 

It’s taken a lifetime to trust what touches me deeply. 

Even though I don’t always understand it, 

I owe it to my soul 

to make the most of the journey. 

It’s easy to overlook the future when the space you’re in feels like everything. 

If forever never arrives, please know

this will still be enough for me.

Don’t tell me you’re not ready.

We’ve been twisting in the wind

for long enough.

Let me have my way with you,

raw, entirely.

Give in.

Let go.

I want your out of body experience.

Your eyes locked onto mine.

Your lip-bitten pleasure.

Your nails raking my bare skin.

To hear you begging.

   I’m not stopping.

Don’t tell me you need to rest.

We’ve been dreaming this dream

for long enough.

Let me learn you in ways others

couldn’t.

We’re safe in these sheets.

Let me in.

I want your hair by the fistful.

Your screams for more.

Your throat in my hands.

You, dripping on the floor.

 I’ll love you like you need me to.

Don’t tell me you’re tired.

We’re not done yet.

Let me take you to the other side.

Keep going.

   Hold on to me.

      Come with me.

I want your teeth against flesh.

I want to taste the sweat beading on your chest.

Your hunger - carnal and rising.

Your expletives wet.

Your every goddam drop of every goddam thing.

I’m in you so deep now.

Don’t tell me it’s too much.

I’ll love you until you’ve had enough.

Tell me you’re ready.

A relationship is a living thing, it needs to breathe… 

When You and I come together with love, we create “Us”.

And us is a real thing.

We know this because we refer to couples in particular ways…

We think of couples as a unit.

Because they are. 

As social organisms we are designed to bond and create tight units with other humans for biological and evolutionary purposes (and spiritual). 

We survive better with others. 

There is a significant part of our nervous system dedicated entirely to this process of bonding. 

Our Attachment System. 

When healthy, we attach smoothly with those who are values aligned and who feel safe to us.

A relationship, as we know it, is the synergistic blending of two (or more) lives together in order to co-create a new direction.

The better our synergy, the more abundantly we are capable of co-creating…and the better life we have. 

As long as our Attachment System is functioning healthily. 

Because like every living organism it needs to breathe…

Breathing in, we come together in connection.

Breathing out, we rest back into our individual selves

Space and togetherness

If we were to only breathe in, we would die. 

Relationally, this is enmeshment. 

If we were to only breathe out, we would die. 

Relationally, well this isn’t a relationship.

Yet because relationships are composed of two beings dancing together, we tend to polarise to one of the events.

One partner is always trying to make the relationship breathe in.

The other is always trying to make it breathe out.

And so the relationship hyper-ventilates… it can’t take a full, deep breath.

Not breathing deeply severely impacts human health. 

So too in relationship…

The desire for deeper connection is healthy. The desire for space to be ourselves is healthy

WHEN THEY ARE BALANCED.

Most of becoming secure is just learning how to do this.

Learning how to breathe together.

Remarkably simple in concept

Significantly challenging in action

It takes time to find this beautiful rhythmic breath.

Yet I also completely believe anyone can.

Comparisons

"Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it."

I've been working on this post for about a week now.  I don't know why I haven't been able to bring myself to finish it.  Actually, we always know why we hesitate.  It's the acknowledgement of our dark places that become a problem and sometimes we just can't.  I'm not even drunk and I'm laying out my feels.  Here goes nothing.  Be kind.

Growing up, our parents and family are supposed to be our examples of how we should be treated in the world.  In school, we learn from our peers.  What happens to ourselves when we are in an abusive relationship?  Several, in my case.

More so, the relationship that we have after the abusive relationship.  Or as anyone who knows me puts it, the repeated mind fuck of relationships that have molded me into the asshole I am now.

What happens when your previous contact with the human world was so damaging, that you don't recognize who you were at the beginning and came out of it not completely unscathed, but alive and semi-functional at least?

You feel like vomiting at the thought of being left, ignored, shamed, and violated so you avoid feeling anything for anyone for fear that it will happen all over again. 

Then when you do get to the point where someone breaks down all of your barriers, you self-sabotage in an effort to feel the familiar hurt. I got to that point on the 10th of this month, see Instagram post about my keychain. I truly n.e.v.e.r. want to go to "that place", ever again.  

And then you realize that they're not going to hurt you.  Not physically anyway.  You are also fully aware that this one could be Henry Rollins in disguise and you want to put on your vixen face because you'll be damned if you're going to be spiritually Napalmed again. 

What do you do?  There's always the what if nagging at you.  You feel like a deer being pursued by a wolf.  Trouble is coming and you're ready to bolt.  But then you look into their eyes and you lose the train of thought you were on and you're frozen.

Do you run?  Do you become agitated when they're nice to you?  Do you grasp for anything you can while you're waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I'll tell you what you do. 

You stop breathing the second you hear their voice because it's so wonderful to hear someone saying something nice to you without hearing the familiar echo in the other ear.  You know the one.  They say "You're wonderful" and you hear "But she's prettier than you".

Fear.  You are terrified and you love it.  You feel alive for a change.  Your friends are even looking at you a little funny, and all you can muster is a grin and shrug.  My mom even called it when I was busy trying to talk myself out of it.  That's never happened.

If ever there was a spell sent out to the Universe for the man with everything you want that couldn't exist, because if he didn't exist you'll never have a broken heart, this one.  

"I dream of a love that even time will lay down and be still for".  

But they do exist.  And it's surreal.  And weird.  Frankly, a little Alfred Hitchcock-ish.  Downright Twilight Zoney. I have spent the majority of my poetry writing about an imaginary guy, and what I want him to be exactly like, and he was brought to me on the solar eclipse.  

Guys, the universe has finally cracked the code on me with this one. 

On April 8th, I had made a plan with my friend to celebrate her birthday. Seriously, who has a birthday on the eclipse and doesn't celebrate? I couldn't let her get away with not. Anyways her and a couple other friends I was supposed to meet up with at six at Delvino's in Belfast went to the Front Street Pub to pre-game and lo and behold, there he was, just trying to enjoy a beer after work and mind his own damn business. 

You guys know that I for one, was also minding my own damn business.  I met this friend and the other people that I was meeting in a single's group.  A bunch of single people who hang out and do stuff.   Who knew it was going to lead to the only person that I want to do cool stuff with for the rest of my life? Certainly not me.

When I showed up to dinner, they told me what they did. His presence made my brain tingle before I even saw his face.  Then he sat down next to me and smiled, and a voice in the back of my brain, that I like to pretend is an ancestor speaking and not my vagina, said, "That one."

I messaged him the next day and after an hour or so of chatting,  my dumbwit brain whose attempt to flirt somewhat resembles a hippo in a synchronized swimming competition, sent the message,  "I like your face. I'd like to see more of it. " There's a lot in between then and now. But it doesn't matter because it's all brought us here. 

You don't want to get used to them.  They are going to find out exactly how damaged and screwed up you truly are and will run for their lives.  But you also find yourself not wanting them to run.  In fact, you find yourself feeling like a purring kitten when they smile at you.  It's freaking you out to no end, but you also don't want it to stop because, hey it's kind of nice to feel floating and goosebumps instead of the burn of vomit and the cold shock of your blood pressure changing while in a constant state of panic and dread. I actually sleep next to him; unheard of! Sleepovers were never allowed before him.  A man in my bed at all, for that matter. 

Speaking of bed things....I deleted 100% of my "old life", IFYKYK. But in turn, I have an all-new praise kink that came out of nowhere. Anyone who knows me, knows something is amiss with regard to that in the biggest way possible. But when it comes to him, it isn't. Again, about the writing to the imaginary person who includes some fun things of their own.  

Some things are allowed to be just mine. At the same time, I can't say that I mind turning the house into the red-light district every now and again. If your math is mathing, then you're also picking up what I'm putting down. I am most definitely getting my daily dose of D. 

This man is a walking library filled with your favorite words.  Everything they say to you sounds like Christmas morning.  What the frig are you supposed to do with that!?!?!?!?!? Conversations are completely effortless. We have so much in common for two people who have never met until this point in their lives for it to not be concocted by forces greater than ourselves.

Breathe.  Use your brain.  They're words!  Just words.  Calm your tits!  And for Pete's sake, stop it with the kind things already! 

I mean, so what if my shepherd's pie tastes like a marriage proposal?

They look at you like you're a magical mythical creature and here you are at last in front of them.    They're just playing you.  Or are they?  It's very alluring.   Like a mermaid who's going to drag you to your death.

Seriously though, I love with this man so much that I don't even know who the fuck I'm trying to kid.

At the beginning of this week when we were in Bar Harbor, he took a picture of his view out of the window in the restaurant that we were at because it was beautiful, and he wanted to make sure that I was able to see it. Yes, it brought me to tears. Who thinks of things like this except for him? Well, of course I do, but I was certain that I was the only one.

I have the walking equivalent to the best day ever in human form right in front of me.  Anything beyond me just thanking the universe is cocky. I'm still holding fast to the theory that he was created in a lab. 

Follow your heart and bring your brain with you, that's all I have to say at the moment.  If anyone has an extra, that'd be great.

Dear You

Dear you;

Yes you, the man who accepts the entirety of me.  

Relationships take a lot of work, but when I found you - the one I didn't see coming, the one that opened my eyes, and a door to a whole new world full of possibility; everything with you and this (whatever it is) seemed to just come naturally and everything fell right into place.  I love you, and I don't give a shit who knows.  I just thought maybe you should know that.  Sorry not sorry that I have given up on holding back my feelings (in this one very brief moment that we can pretend in person isn't happening) and they've invaded your personal space and violated the foundation of everything you say you don't want (but by keeping me around are all but saying that you do).  I'm experiencing a whole new realm of feelings and emotions that I, truthfully, have never experienced and have no idea in hell what to do with.

I've been letting my past haunt me and rather than not trusting in you, I'm doing the complete opposite.  Like a toddler you're watching sneak off with a box of cookies thinking you're busy watching TV, I don't trust my heart to keep it's shit together when it comes to you;  and frankly, since I'm being honest for a moment, it's times like this that I can't.  I have opened myself up and have (somehow) given you unparalleled access to wreck me entirely.  And I (somehow) have faith that you won't.

All my life, even as a little girl watching cartoons and who's first crush was He-Man (please don't judge, I was 4), I've always fallen in love with the idea that the man who's meant for me is a good guy who's strong and makes me feel safe and secure and is funny and when I saw him for the first time the whole world would melt away and I'd be magically happy forever.  So basically, an alien-ninja-clown-Casanova hybrid.  Sorry for that. 

Truthfully, that sounds so stupid of me to even say, simply because I know that you are far more than what my imagination could have even imagined, far more than all of the skeletons in my past, and much more than the "average Joe."  And I would know that, because I kind of used to be a whore.

You aren't perfect, and you'll be the first to tell me just that, but neither am I and that's what I love about you the most. Your imperfections are what make you so perfect in all of your unique little ways. You treat me with the utmost respect, you at least like me unconditionally, you never let me fail or doubt myself, you've encouraged and supported me, you stand by me in the rough waters and the calm, and you calm me down like no other.

I know that I doubt you and I rant when I'm upset, but I also know that you have me pegged and understand when I mean things and when I don't.  I'm stubborn and my mind wanders (like a fucking squirrel), but I also know that just because you don't react or respond in a way that I expect you to does not mean that you don't care or that you care any less.  One thing for certain is that we always know just how to talk to each other and flush those assumptions down the porcelain god.  Seriously, the amount of patience you have exerted listening to my rants, that are at least weekly, I'm in total awe of the fact  that you haven't permanently injured something attached to yourself.  You give the best advice.  And I almost feel guilty that I'm paying you solely with sex and the occasional baked goods.

I literally have the human version of a blessing in disguise right in front of me.  I can't explain why I constantly seek reassurance, and I'm so sorry that I do because you literally give me absolutely no reason for it.  I overthink and underestimate you at times, but I also know that we're both still in the process of learning each other. 

So basically, a big shout out to your parents for creating you.  I'm glad you exist, and thank you for putting up with me.

Me

Half Measures

"Tell me we are hopeless and I will give up hope for you and I but until then that hope stirs within my head projecting images of us telling stories that we have yet to tell."
                          -S.L. Gray

Maybe we were just bad timing.  
Maybe we'll meet again in another three years from now.  
What if we were only trying to be bad because being good to each other was hurting us too much?
Just a stagnant reminder of all things that went wrong beforehand.

My entire body is tortured.  Not having you;  not touching you.  
You were the rabbit hole I'd been searching for.
One look at you and all I saw was an entire universe waiting to be discovered.
You were a wonderland and inward I fell.
I wasn't looking for a relationship.
I just wanted a partner to laugh, smile and enjoy life with for a while
Or forever...
I wanted to connect to your soul, have you talk about your complexities
and push each other out of our comfort zones.

You asked me a little while ago when we were discussing doing that thing that you like
"Why no other man has kept me."
The answer is quite simple you see;
I have never kept anyone around who had any interest in knowing who I am.
Never.  Not once.
I have never opened myself up to anyone.
I always just kind of "went along"
What drove me to do that, I can't say
Fear that they'd leave if I was myself?
They did anyway so clearly it wouldn't have mattered
Through weird vibes in the universe that are completely out of my usual realm
and in every fiber of my being that wishes for this to make sense:
nothing about what this is does.
I can't explain what happens to me when you come near me.
It's like all this time I've been this feral, wild beast in a cage and then you were my rescuer.
With one touch I was instantly tamed in spirit and I had no choice in the matter.
Whatever the fuck peace was, being with you was mine.

In other words:  I gave you an unparalleled access to wreck me.
And so you have.

And still I wonder if my relentless ability to hold on is a blessing or a curse.
Hope and ignorance are good drinking buddies on a foggy night when 2 a.m. memories 
of your smile wake me up.
Everything I have ever let go over has claw marks all over it.
I have a soul that longs to be loved for who I really am.
Maybe you were just some random sign from the universe 
to prove to me that miracles really do exist 
and to prove to me that I really do have a heart.

That is now broken.

We are all a little fucked up, so let's just be real with each other.  
You and I have more skeletons in our closets than most and can barely close the doors, 
so let's stop placing blame and pointing fingers.  
Forgiveness.  Put down the sword.  
To expect a soul's mate to be mistake free is dumb.  
You're only breaking your own heart by expecting this.  
I don't want to play that game anymore.  
In saying that it would mean I wanted to play it to begin with.
Frankly, the only answer I feel I can ever utter when it comes to you is "Okay."
I have spent more of the time that I've known you emotional, 
upset and confused than any other time in my life.  
Some external to us, some caused by us.  
If only you'd stop viewing love with your own narcissistic entanglements.  
We all want what we want until the person that wants us expresses pain 
that we've caused them
Finally a light has come on;  
I cannot give a person the blessings they deserve if they are not interested, even if that blessing is me.  

Please understand, there is a Grand Canyon of difference between the girl that likes you and the woman that needs you.

For me, some things are not options:  
I love hard and completely and I laugh even harder.  
I expect a call when I am told that there is an existence of intention to do so giving me hope. 
I was raised to never allow another person to feel like they are nothing 
I will hold you accountable when you do;  
even if it is after the hundredth time I've bit my tongue.
 I've finally had enough.
I devote myself to those who want me because that's who I am.  
I'm not begging you to stay, 

I won't chase what doesn't want me around.
I was never asking you to trust me.
I was only hoping for a chance.
That you decided you couldn't afford to give.
There will be no more, "I'll call" and then don't respond madness.
I am a person worth having, 
So commit to being in my life or just watch me from social media.

Half measures are not allowed.

If you wanted me, you would have found me.   
The only certainty I know is that if knowing that someone is who you should be with the second you hear a syllable of their voice, 
then I'd rather be condemned for loving all the wrong things than loved for hating everything you consider right. 

It's not letting go of the past that is a problem for me.  
It's that the cruel and unusual mind wants to keep its fantasies.  
Even when they're wrong and cruel to our hearts.  
It's that it's a constant struggle to let go of the possibilities that I saw 
in those rose colored kaleidoscopes.

            "It's all right."  He touched her face, gently, with the back of his hand.  "You disappear so completely into your head sometimes," he said.  "I wish I could follow you."
            You do, she wanted to say.  You live in my head all the time.  Instead she said, "What did you want to tell me?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I am dead,
And over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair
Tho you should lean above me broken hearted
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace
As leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted
Than you are now

-Sara Teasdale

The Real Kind

I think I've come to a point in my life where I understand people better,
or at least I try to.
When I see anger, I also see confusion and anxiety.
When I see tears I also see frustration and a willingness to keep fighting.

When I see you...
I see someone who just might change my entire world.

Can I tell you now that I love you?
Because I do.

The real kind.
I thought I was in love once.
It felt so right but we were not prepared to fall in love
So we settled to fall in pretend,
and then we both moved on like strangers on a city sidewalk.

But you,
You're my three page love letter in a world full of relationship status updates.
Complete with heart-dotted "I"s.

A mouth can bring pain or pleasure.
Mine can be the absolute worst.
It is a great pleasure to show you what love is
and teach myself what it means to be at another person's mercy.

Honesty, I've learned, doesn't like the light of day, so where do I begin?

"He smells like snuggles feel."

I'm sorry, my memory is failing me
and I've already lost so many words that should be yours.

When I try to speak of you all the comes to me are images of that face you make
when you're thinking of something amusing
and it makes the freight train between my brain and mouth come to a screeching halt.

"Jessica, why are you smiling at your pens?"

Can I tell you now that I nearly renounced music after my surgery?
How I had no need for symphonies?
Can I tell you how I stopped writing and how I nearly abandoned words?
How I longed for only silence.
And then, you.

And somehow, it actually wasn't weird.

It is always such a comfort when someone sees the real you and loves that person first.
There is never a need to hide your stripes or filter your thoughts around such a love.
It's pure, what we have.
It's beautiful and rare.
I consider us to be the lucky ones.

Can I tell you now how you moved me?
How seized gears began rotating once more?
Can I tell you how much it hurts to be brought back to life?
In our perfect balance of independence and soul smothering love
let me spend all my days growing old with you.

I love that I want you to change me.
I can't wait to change the way we feel about love together.
Change my eyes to see my future every time I look at you.
Change our personal goals to include you beside me for them.
Change my life into your life each and every day until our hair has turned to gray.

We're going to have an amazing life.

The rest of the insufferable shits can just watch.

Sheets And Sparks

 Guys, this past weekend was the closest I have been to crossing off several items on my Christmas list that I have ever been.

Laying underneath the stars in Northern Maine, I started this piece.  An actual blog post is coming, I promise, but right now I would just like to have something that's mine if that's okay with you. And if it's not, then please go where I'm not.

I sent it out into the ether
That I won't stand for mediocre love
I want it to make my knees buckle
Like they do looking into your eyes
I want love to swallow me up 
Like the arms of storm clouds
Keeping me safe
I want love to rinse me clean
To shock me
I spent four years refusing lackluster love
And the world brought me you
A brilliant wildfire
And now there is not a single part of everything you are
That I could live without
Water and air
Yada yada
I want love to be something both as thrilling 
As it is reassuring
I want to curl up with it in front of a fire
I want to lose track of time 
Because there is no hidden agenda in our phones
I want to make a new world in our sheets
One that no one else can see
I want our feet and bare skin brush against each other 
And feel my heart skip a beat
I want to feel at home in your arms
I want the taste of you atop my tongue 
While my wild hair graces your body
I want your bated breath
My arching back in your hands
Feeling every curve 
As gentle sparks set fire to everything that once mattered
I want to feel your love for me coursing through my veins
I want to be this awestruck by you forever
Banana pancakes and Sunday mornings
I want to love you in every way that you've prayed for
As I have you
In the way that I wrote about you 
Before you were here in front of me
I want a love we've been waiting our entire lives for
There are things in life best enjoyed in small doses
But this
My love
Is not one of them

~cynicallovebird

**I don't know if I feel like this is finished, but I'm publishing anyways.

Call Me George

This man was a shock to my system

What do you mean you want to respect me

How dare you be a considerate lover

And call me when you say you're going to

I don't know what to do with this

Amazing everything

The power of the pen

I wrote about him

Manifested a partner exactly like this

YEARS AGO

It's as if my Mr. Perfect delivery idea 

Has come to fruition in an alternate dimension 

And the idea of a Marvel comic multiverse 

Isn't too much of a stretch

Because he was created in a lab somewhere

I'm certain of it

I want this man to do borderline disrespectful things to me
Like 
Things that would land us in jail in some countries
Unspeakable things
So hard and dirty 
That it was such a thrill to the senses 
That we can't do anything
But lay there for hours after just breathing
So much so that we have no idea what planet we're on
That it'll take days to snap back to reality
And if anyone knew what we did to each other 
They would be so horrified and proud at the same time 
That all they could do is high five us
Things that I can't wait to describe out loud in public
With everyone watching us talking about it 
And thinking we've been together forever
But it's been less than a month 
And rather than talking about our white picket fence 
We're talking about the dungeon in the basement

I also want to let myself turn into the purring kitten

I feel myself become every time he looks at me

And have dome light dinner every Wednesday

And sing karaoke with my person 

Who makes the lyrics make sense

I want to make out in a room filled with people watching

Who think we're adorable together

I want to create content with context

So great that we change hearts and minds

And if I have to spend the rest of my life

Being honest with him

Then chop down my cherry tree

And call me George right now

Jessie Says

 I am a vixen
                                 Always
I love control
                              Power
But you
                                   Disarm me
I want to ravage you                    
                          But this new weakness 
                               Foreign
Exhilarating                  
                   Calming
Freeing                 
My hardness
                            Softened

The lioness is now a kitten

I made the decision to show you who I am.  And due to the above, you were such a shock to my system that I was only able to show you who I am when I am with you.

I took my power back and I made the decision to show you who I really am, sprinkled with a little of whom I would love to be.

It was the best.  The preparations made my soul tingle. I had put all of my special toys away, giving up on the idea of ever getting to play again. I don't usually enjoy secrets.  Yours are most definitely the exception, yet I'm certain that we've established this. It's nice to have something that's just ours. I never thought it would be something that I would ever get to have.

The game was Jessie Says.

Jessie says eat the dinner I made you.

Jessie says get in the shower and wash your ass and put on what I handed to you.

I let you choose your implements.

Experience.

Experiment.

Touch.

Taste.

Sound.

To be continued.....

I have to keep it sort of appropriate here.  My grandmother reads my smut.