Doubts

I don't know what it is, but since I found those questions and posted them with the intention of answering them, I can't do it.

I have started a blog post for 7 of the questions that I thought would be the easiest ones to answer.

I've got nothing.  Every single time that I have sat down with the intention (and false sense of self-knowledge, apprently) I have sat at the keyboard and can't find any words.  I am never lost for words.  Why can't I find them?  It's driving me nuts.

This is bothering me.  Am I so riddled with so much self-doubt, so much self-loathing that I can't let people know who I am?  That's what this is feeling like.

I am not doing this blog for anyone but myself.  I don't understand why this is so difficult.  I guess it's more because I'm the kind of person who just does what I need to do to get through the day.  I don't dwell on bad things that happen because once that experience is gone, it's something that isn't going to happen again and it's a moment that you can't get back.  It's not because I believe that I'm unworthy of getting to know.

It's been brought to my attention that some think bad things of me.  All I have to say is:  You might tell the world that I'm talentless and have no personality (or maybe that's just what's happening inside of my head on your behalf);  but you're the one who keeps reading and coming back for more, don't you?

Personality Questions

Given that I have decided to try my hand at dating again, my inner nerd decided that if I was going to do it at all, I was going to do it right.  Input, Google.  I came across a list of personality questions that you should ask someone that you are trying to get to know

I don't know about you, but I love knowing a person in their entireity and questions like these are right up my alley.  I love knowing what drives a person.  Heck, I love knowing and discovering things that drive ME.

Over the next few days I plan to work on answering them, it is only fair after all.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now.
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Time Will Tell

Humans.  That is what we all are.

Religion, belief system, way of life, belongings, relationships we lead.  Those are all just things.

Yes.  I am human too.

I make mistakes that I don't always own up to or talk about.

I push my real feelings aside for the sake of being able to make it through the day.  Sometimes for entertainment value, even.

I met someone.  Things were felt by my entire being that I had never experienced before.

I fell.

Hard.

I said that I would never be that girl.

And now I'm healing the bruises and licking my wounds and learning from my mistakes.

For every one thing that I tell you, there are ten more that I'm not.

I have been sucked into an abyss that I don't know how to get out of.

Give me a minute.

Holidaze

Growing up, I was always forced into the holidays kicking and screaming.  I was and am, the kind of person to just go with it for the sake of everyone else's happiness.  It's not something that I enjoy.  I hate decorations.  They look nice, but I don't understand the concept of digging out all that crap to invade your home for less than a month just to have to clean the rest of your house around it and then find the motivation to put it away.  I was also made to believe that Santa was real until I was 12, and forced to keep up the rouse for my brothers who are 6 years younger than I am.  I am a realist.  I don't like change to my routine.  It's not seasonal depression if you hate everyone and have no desire to interact with any of them all year round, K?

I personally do a wreath of jingle bells at my door and those homemade paper snowflakes out of coffee filters because they're cute and make the kids be creative.  I have a tree, but I hate putting it up.  Last year I didn't, my son wasn't happy about it.  This year, I'm still very much on the sturdy fence about it.  My standpoint is that everything is in one place in the basement.  I work full time and run a household while the kids get home from school and after homework is done they do basically nothing else.  If they want to bring the stuff up from the basement and HELP put up the tree and other decorations, then we can do that and I will happily participate.  We don't do Little Red Hen situations in my house.  Needless to say, it's the weekend before Christmas, and everything is still in the basement.

Being a teenager with all those hormones is some hard work, ya know.  It's a miracle if they can get out of bed on time and somehow not destroy the house in it's entirety in the time it takes them to get up and on the bus to school in the morning.

Two years ago, my kids held an intervention, of sorts, about Christmas.  My son came to me as I was doing dishes.

*Hugs me*
"Mom, can we talk?"
*Me, a little concerned as his tone was that of someone about to tell you that they have some horrible thing wrong with them*
"Sure honey, what's up?"
*Boy takes my hand*
"I think we should go sit down on the couch."
*I can barely walk because now I'm convinced that they're going to have some kind of information about things I told them they're not allowed to do until they're 30.*
*Leads me to the living room where his sister is waiting in the chair.*
"I know."
"You know what?"
**I'm of course acting stupid because this could mean anything at this point and for all I know it could mean that he knew that I hid his candy bar in the back of the fridge.**
"*The girl child* told me that Santa isn't real.  I want you to tell me the truth."
*Sigh of relief.  Candy bar snatching secret is safe with me, no crime sprees were had, virginity is still intact and no one is dying.*
"Well, what do you believe?"
"Well I believe her."
*They both chime in together*
 And we want you to stop buying us useless crap that we get rid of by summer.  Just give us money so we can buy what we want."

And there you have it folks.  For the past two years my kids have gotten money, a stocking filled with random stuff, a family game, a family movie and a pair of pj's that they open up and wear on Christmas Eve.

When I was a kid, holidays were celebrated with vigor.  Not for lack of appreciation for the memories, but I don't understand why.  Things were not as commercialized as they are now.  Besides, who has time to pretend to enjoy the company of others who don't want anything to do with you for 85% of the year?  I don't.  I am almost stupid excited that my kids have inherited this one thing from me.

Give me a couch, ice cream, my dog, television and someone to snuggle up to any night of the week and I will be content for eternity.  I like low key and easy going when I'm stressed.  I've been stressed a lot lately. Who needs the worry of taking a second mortgage out just to buy presents for ungrateful assholes on top of regular life.

Adulting is hard.  There is no reason to make it harder.

Boy Brain

Hmmm.....

Where do I begin?

Still single/dating/unsure of what the Hell situation I'm in at the moment.  Getting ready to put my foot down, just not sure where yet.  I tried to today, but then I melted.  Memories suck. 

Made some new contacts in the past couple of months.  Some for fun, some for professional life, some for fet modeling and one that much to my chagrin, I have allowed into a part of my being held captive from the outside world in the "Man in the iron mask" sense.  Previously mentioned and referred to as "WhatTheFuck-Landia".  Yup.  He's still there.

What the frig...

This simply cannot be permitted.

I don't like it one bit.  OK....maybe just a little whole big lot (the size of Texas (and all of the other continents combined)).

Time.  "It's going to take patience and time."  As one of my favorite former Beatles said in one of my favorite songs.

I said something that I think (hope) got through to them today.  I don't know.  Their response seemed sort of excusey, rather than apologetic. 

I hate text messaging.  I spent 7 years in a relationship where it was the main means of communication because the area that he lived in had really really horrible cell phone reception.  I grew to hate it with vigor.  Try to argue over text.  When you want to scream.  Daily.  For seven years.  Seven.

If you want to know what or how I'm doing, pick up the phone and call me for two seconds to say hi.  It means a million times more to me than a text message.  Texting has it's time and place.  I get that. You are in a room full of other men and don't want to call up your girl just to say "I'm thinking about you" (which the idea of makes me swoon for some reason) just to get shit for it.  Good old fashioned conversation has gone right out the window in our society, but if you contact me at all I'm over the moon.  Hell I'm already over the moon just having gotten to meet you.  Just answer the damn phone once in awhile, I don't call for no reason.

I don't need to date anyone ever again because I got to feel this way just one time before I died, and that was all I have ever asked for.

I really just said that.

For some reason lately, I am finding myself putting up with so many illogical things that NASA should be studying my life.  My swear jar is big enough to fund them for the next century, they might as well start putting the funding to good use!

Patience has never been my strong suit.  Especially when the squirrel brain that I routinely experience comes to a screeching halt because something has my full and undivided in a million ways attention and says "I want that." 

GUYS.....I want it.  ALLLL of it.

All of him.

I'm like that kid who has to be made to sit on their hands because they can't stop fidgeting.

I know how to behave myself.  I mean, I might rip a tendon and blow an artery, but I could do it if I was made to.

I simply don't wanna.

*Insert mental image of me running around flailing my arms around and screaming like a Muppet*

Unsure

"You have a multifaceted personality and I'm not quite sure how to approach you.  On one hand you're really amazing and I just want to give you endless snuggles and respect you.  On the other hand, you're really dirty minded. "

Of course I'm paraphrasing a recent conversation, but never in my life have I ever seen my personality described so eloquently. 

"You are truly an epic human being".   Another friend told me this last night, thankfully via text.   It was both the most settling and disturbing things a person has ever said to me. 

I don't think that I could handle another person saying something that awesome to me during conversation again.  I'm so not used to it.  I hate being in freak out mode because someone was nice to me.  I'm finding myself in that place a lot lately. 

I just need to know that I can be weird as Hell and that someone still wants to get naked with me at the end of the day.  Is that too much to ask? 

Apparently it isn't. 

Let's be real about this for a sec;  my life is a romantic comedy minus the romance and with a whole bunch of me just laughing at my own jokes.

Never have I ever thought I would see the day that actually speaking to someone on the phone and having a normal conversation in real time would constitute a major act of trust and a landmark moment in a relationship either.  But, yet that moment came a month ago after I avoided the inevitable for 3 years and someone truly amazing.  Still trying to work out this one.  There have been many a "what the actual fuck" moment.  If I go into it more in depth than that I'm going to need a keg of vodka to get me through it.  Wait....Do they make those?  Check on that for me!

I don't know what the deal is with one person that I would at this point consider to be a pretty good friend but I've come to the conclusion that they needed to make sure that I was both dateable and not crazy before they're willing to meet me.  It's OK.  I almost kind of like what we have going.  He's got a personality similar to mine and we make each other laugh and we tell each other things that we can't talk to other people about.  I just wish they would stop being such a pussy.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.  I personally prefer either a phone call or a note.  Texting is so impersonal and I spent much of the past 7 years doing more than I ever want to do again. 

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders."

Sometimes I wish it was that easy.  I did something epically stupid last night.  I don't know what to do about it.   As another friend I told about it said, "Just go with it and see."  Fireball turns me into a frat boy.  I say all the fiery things.  I'm just going to leave it at that for now.

For as long as I can remember I've always had this undercurrent of sadness that, if I'm honest about it, I don't totally mind.  I can't blame people for leaving, communication isn't exactly my strong point when I've spent the past 20 years in self-preservation mode.

I think that over the past year, more than any other time in my life I've been more in touch with who I am and what I want from my life.  I would be lying if I said that it didn't worry me a little. 

Lessons learned this week:

I am fully aware of the fact that no person on this planet is too busy to go after what they really want.  That doesn't make the fact suck any less when you're the one who's waiting on the phone call.

Not under any circumstances, especially when sad, am I to get drunk with a friend and think it's a genius idea to allow them to "paint" highlights onto my head.  Even more so when the two of you can taste colors better than you can see them.  This will result in thinking that they are developed enough to wash out and result in looking like a bunch of peeps had a gang bang on top of your head in the form of yellow streaks.  My mom has fixed it as much as it can be.  It doesn't look bad.

"This is going to look awesome" while drinking is the female equivalent of "Hold my beer."

That no matter how badly I want to refrain from hurting someone, honesty really is the best policy.

That opening up to an old friend during what you thought was just casual catch up conversation about who you are seeing and they knew the old you who was deathly allergic to human relationships will result in them playing big brother and messaging this new person online.    What. The. Actual. Fuck.  Mortified.  Ended contact with them.  Grateful that new person is still talking to me.  Ending said relationship with old friend will help you feel better about cutting ties with who you were in the past, as he was there at the beginning of your adult life and helped mold some awesome parts of who you are today.  Appreciate them, thanked them, and moving on.

Once someone shows you that they are a manipulative crappy person, you should believe them.  I'm not kidding myself that this is something that I am insurmountably bad at.  I refuse to walk around instantly thinking the worst of everyone, but even when someone is horrible I have a really hard time giving up on them.  Mostly because I know what it feels like to be the one that was given up on.

That I should allow the first thing that pops into my head to fly out of my mouth in anger more often. 

I don't talk to dicks.  I fuck them.  I wish some men would take note of that.

I think I just discovered that my son is a creative genius disguised as a clueless dink.  The kid could go on forever about anything that interests him like a college professor and it's totally amazing to be a part of it.  Can he both shower and use soap? 

I just re-read this and it seems like a whole bunch of unconnected thoughts, because it is.  My mind is bouncing everywhere lately and I need to find a way to reign it back in.

Peaceful Chaos

I won't be that girl. 
The one who whines and begs you to pick me.
Don't stare at me like that.
You, with those eyes that stare into my soul like you're looking deep into yourself.
Don't make me crave your presence.
Don't weasel your way into my heart.
I have it locked away for a good reason. 
Don't ask me why,
because then you'll know all the ways that you can make me forget and I can't have that.
Don't tell me that I'm the only one.
I know there have been dozens that you've let into that black hole you call a heart.
Don't just do something, do that thing. 
The thing that will make me stay.
Don't make me trust you.
Need you.
Love you.
Your smile is a drug.
Your touch is a dagger.
More than to be honest.
Leaving me fulfilled and yet empty.
You treat me like you think I'm something you cherish one minute and something to throw away the next.
Don't make my body crave you and then withdraw like I'm poisonous.
I'm not some dime a dozen bimbo that you can forget about.
I know that it helps you to sleep at night if you treat me as such.
There are so many questions
Stresses
Lies
My mind gets to be quiet for awhile.
It takes a lot to make my brain go empty.
One fingertip and I'm gone.
Why is it that the one thing that makes my mind race also deadens it with one touch?
I feel like I'm constantly on a journey to find new things to fall in love with.
I can't find my will to wander now that you're in my Universe.
I think I'll keep you around a little while, if that's okay with you.
I promise to destroy you in the most beautiful way possible.
I will leave you understanding why storms are named after people.
Peaceful chaos.
This is how I feel when you cross my mind.
I feel that it's only fair to return the favor.
The heavens opened up and rained down a happy accident.
We're going to be the death of each other.
I'm going to disappoint you, I can feel it.
I wish that you weren't perfect for me.
It would make it so much easier to break you.

What The H.E. Double Hockey Sticks?

So, apprently I haven't learned my lesson on drinking and blogging....

Here's the thing about being the kind of person who keeps herself closed off:  once a tiny trickle of emotion starts flowing, you're going to need to hit up Noah.

My hair.  Oh dear Gods my hair.  Never get drunk and trust a drunk friend to "paint" highlights on your head.  Especially when you're not wearing your glasses and can taste colors better than you can see them. 

The phone is not your friend.  Cameras exist.  Keep the phone at home.  In fact, feel free to keep it in a locked safe and throw the combination away.

Go ahead.  Blog.  Write to your hearts content.  Let those fingers fly, sister!  But do not, I repeat DO NOT hit the publish button, no matter how brightly it is shining on that computer screen of yours.  Like the lovely orange beacon of freedom that it might be, just say no.  In fact, putting a sticky note on the part of your screen that it appears on is probably the best option.  Or in fact, not even going to your blogging page at all.  A nice Word document would probably suffice. 

Excuse me while I nurse my soul and more than slightly bruised pride and move on with my life.

Bloody Hell

Have you ever gotten to the point where you are about to just let your crazy hang out and don't give a shit who knows it?

Today is that kind of day.  And I have been drinking and I gave in and highlighted my hair and it came out badly.  I am in a bad place and I am going to vent for a second, K?  Here goes:

I have been asked recently by several people if I am seeing anyone seriously.  To answer, no I am not.  Not that I am aware of anyway.  My recent blog posts were nothing more than creativity spilling out.   

I have been dating someone that I have come to care deeply about.  And that is just the thing.  I have allowed myself to care.  And I knew that it would bite me right in the ass.

I really hate it when other adults need a lesson in integrity and adult conversation.  If you say you're going to call, do it.  If they call you, answer.  Don't look someone straight in the face and gain their trust, and lie to them.  If they've given you prime real estate in their time that they are seriously lacking in, grasp it with an iron fist and appreciate the fuck out of it.  If you say that you care about someone and say nice things to them, actions - where you disappear off the face of the planet any time they try to make plans with you - speak much louder than a kind text message and a pet name.  I understand that you're busy.  If you don't want to get together because you've got a million things going on, you're not the bad guy unless you say absolutely NOTHING after saying that you want to get together.  I am a human.  I won't even get started on the fact that I have feelings.  I am a mom.  I don't have a lot of spare time.  If it's not going to be appreciated and cherished like I deserve for it to be, then feel free to let the door smack you on your way out so hard you can't walk ten ways to Tuesday.  An old expression from my childhood I'm using, but I never really understood what my Nana meant when she said that, by the way. 

I am the first one to admit that when it comes to human relationships, I suck.  And not in any fun ways.  I have a tendency to be very stand-offish and cautious, because if I'm not then I get used to them.  My heart won't get broken if I don't acknowledge that I have one by letting someone into it.  And then I'll never have to be empty and sad.  Much like how I feel right now.  When you're the person who has to have it totally together, there is no room for this kind of crap.  By nature, I take care of the people that I care about.  I call to make sure that your day is going OK.  I bake you cookies.  I cook you dinner after you've had a hard day.  If I'm attracted to you, I let you in all my dirty fantasies and secrets.  I show you off to my friends.  In short, I show you that you actually mean something to me.  In no way does that mean that I'm under any delusions that involve us sliding down rainbows and saying the "L" word before I know what your earliest childhood memory was.

This guy resides inside my being and has found a home in the part I'd like to refer to as WhatTheFuck-Landia.  It's where all of my really screwed up, inappropriate thoughts and the piece of my heart that I don't ever let out of it's cage are hidden.  He didn't even need a map.  He just walked right in like he owned the place.  Frankly something in my soul needed it to happen.  It felt (still does, in all transparency) weird because it's almost as if he really did belong there.  And he honestly made me believe that he didn't want to be anywhere else.   He was nothing that I bargained for, and yet everything I had ever hoped for at the same time. 
 
I deleted my dating profile this morning, not because he was "it", but because I am just tired of all the attention that I don't want to get.  And I do owe it to both dating profile and a certain adult social media site for the Universe sending me this person.  It doesn't feel right to have one.  I don't know how to people.  I hate talking to people, I hate talking to someone who's hitting on me even more.

And I am hurt. And confused. And just tired of trying to piece my sanity back together.  And OK, OK.....

maybe, just maybe the post before last was a little bit about him.  And the one a little further down from that too.

Onwards and upwards.  Peace out.

Enough

The fire we need to feel is never ignited in the way we expect.

What do you do when you've damaged someone beyond repair but are not entirely sorry that you did it?  I knew that it would happen regardless of how it happened.  I couldn't find a way out of my dark Labyrinth.  I found my batteries recharged in the flashlight that I held all along in the hand that was too numb to feel. 

Of course things have been said and done that cannot be taken back.  I don't want them to be.  I have tasted the light side and my heavy load that I am constantly bearing is still the same but somehow different this time. 

I feel myself dancing inside of your stinging words like I enjoy them.  They fall sparking against my skin and instead of pain I'm mesmerized by the constellations they're leaving.

Dirty. I am smoldering indecently and it is delicious.

SLUT.  I sway my arms about with the S and find solace in the slope of the U. 

Free.  Rebellious.

Whore.  A word that would normally stab my inner child who is just a girl who dreamt of the fairy tales coming true in the heart is now making me skip carelessly down a glass covered sidewalk barefoot.  I bled glitter in my dreams last night. 

Liar.  Yes, by some standards I did.  I could bring up a laundry list of technicalities, but there really is no use.  Believe it or not, not everything revolves around or has anything to do with you.

Strong.  Strength.  I like that.  Something that I am finding much more than I was ever given credit for.

I'm no longer grasping for something to hold on to and coming up empty every time. 

I'm not a big fan of rewriting common sense, it's already so rare that it's a super power.  You on the other hand treat it as if it's a blue bouncing ball that you can bounce any which way but up. 

I am enough.  For me, anyway.  For now anyway.